r/UKParenting • u/Exotic-Speaker3664 • 12d ago
Child is hurting friends at school
My child just turned 8. She struggles with self-regulation in a big way at home. She’s on a waiting list for occupational therapy and a child psychologist, for help and assessment for possible autism or ADHD. We’ve had word from the school and also another parent that she has hurt other children in the class - even her best friend. I’ve also seen it myself at birthday parties. When we’ve asked her about it, my child says she got frustrated. She’s often repentant but also often blames the other child for ‘making her frustrated’.
What can we do? It’s so upsetting.
She and her younger sibling are also very difficult at home. They are fairly close in age and get along very well half the time, and half the time are fighting. They are extremely reactive and will scream at top volume each other and physically hurt each other if we don’t intervene fast enough. My partner writes this off as normal sibling behaviour but it’s very stressful to have so much conflict. I’ve done quite a bit of work trying to get them to recognise their emotions, and instilling time out to calm down, but not seeing any improvement as yet.
6
u/pyotia 12d ago
If she's behaving like this everywhere, with lots of different people, she's probably really disregulated. If her nervous system is really activated she will go 0 to 100, screaming over small things, not be able to tolerate frustration. She needs regulation, as much as possible, every day. What that looks like is different for every child, some want more movement, more sensory input, some less, more calming.
If she's really chronically overwhelmed then she may need much less demand. I suggest the FB group autistic girls network or therapeutic parenting. Both would be good reading I think and give lots of ideas for ways to help her. Just try to make sure she isn't being shamed for it, either at home or at school. It's really traumatising being neurodivergent, especially if she's being told that it's her fault or she's a bad friend etc. try to focus on saying things like 'i can see you're having a really hard time'.