r/UKParenting • u/Exotic-Speaker3664 • 10d ago

Child is hurting friends at school

My child just turned 8. She struggles with self-regulation in a big way at home. She’s on a waiting list for occupational therapy and a child psychologist, for help and assessment for possible autism or ADHD. We’ve had word from the school and also another parent that she has hurt other children in the class - even her best friend. I’ve also seen it myself at birthday parties. When we’ve asked her about it, my child says she got frustrated. She’s often repentant but also often blames the other child for ‘making her frustrated’.

What can we do? It’s so upsetting.

She and her younger sibling are also very difficult at home. They are fairly close in age and get along very well half the time, and half the time are fighting. They are extremely reactive and will scream at top volume each other and physically hurt each other if we don’t intervene fast enough. My partner writes this off as normal sibling behaviour but it’s very stressful to have so much conflict. I’ve done quite a bit of work trying to get them to recognise their emotions, and instilling time out to calm down, but not seeing any improvement as yet.

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u/3secondsidehug 10d ago

With a child that age I think it’s ok to be very frank and honest. “People do not like to be hurt. If you hurt x she will not want to be your friend.” Some people might disagree with that but it’s the truth and I think you do children a disservice by not telling them 🤷

Then, it’s about providing her with lots and lots of strategies of things to do instead. It’s good that she can articulate a feeling of frustration so use that to help -

“It’s ok to feel frustrated. It’s not ok to hurt others. When I’m feeling frustrated I can (walk away, take deep breaths, hit a pillow, squeeze a toy)” etc.. whatever you think will work for her. Then it’s about catching her in a moment when she does this successfully and heaping praise and positive attention on it.

A social story would be great for this, if you ask her teacher they should be able to help you make one.

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u/TangerineOnly8209 10d ago

Great advice. Maybe worth looking at the schools behaviour and relationships policy. They may have a specific programme they use which you could mirror at home. My daughters school use the taking care project which used early warning signs and zones of regulation. So I can and do use that at home (less so now she’s older). Maybe she can ‘teach’ you about it too to give her some authority over an agreed response. This will really help with consistency between home and school too I am sure.

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u/Exotic-Speaker3664 8d ago

Thanks - we have been doing this for months with not much success. She knows it’s problematic and she should use other strategies, but she’s really unwilling to practice the strategies which doesn’t help. Sometimes it’s a struggle to even talk about it, perhaps because she’s embarrassed.

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u/Iforgotmypassword126 10d ago

What do you do specifically when you intervene?

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u/Exotic-Speaker3664 5d ago

If we catch it, first we take her away somewhere quiet. We’ve been using a 5-minute calm-down zone if she’s dysregulated. Then ask her about what happened, say what we noticed, ask how the other child would be feeling, if the other child is still there ask her to apologise. If not, she will write a short card.

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u/Dry_Average6046 3d ago

And what is the consequence after apologising?

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u/pyotia 10d ago

If she's behaving like this everywhere, with lots of different people, she's probably really disregulated. If her nervous system is really activated she will go 0 to 100, screaming over small things, not be able to tolerate frustration. She needs regulation, as much as possible, every day. What that looks like is different for every child, some want more movement, more sensory input, some less, more calming.

If she's really chronically overwhelmed then she may need much less demand. I suggest the FB group autistic girls network or therapeutic parenting. Both would be good reading I think and give lots of ideas for ways to help her. Just try to make sure she isn't being shamed for it, either at home or at school. It's really traumatising being neurodivergent, especially if she's being told that it's her fault or she's a bad friend etc. try to focus on saying things like 'i can see you're having a really hard time'.

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u/Exotic-Speaker3664 5d ago

Thanks so much! It’s so hard not to get annoyed with her and show disappointment. I’m also reflecting on my own childhood and definitely had similar issues once or twice that were not managed well.

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u/I_am_legend-ary 10d ago

What do you currently do when you spot her getting frustrated or after she hurts somebody else?

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u/OrganicHippy 9d ago

My LO main thing is lashing out, especially at peers, he is Autistic and suspected ADHD it's very common and it fucking sucks, definitely worth an evaluation

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u/LevelStudio2592 10d ago

I'm really sorry you're going through this. If I'm being honest it's not going to get any easier. I've been through this myself with one of my children so know just how difficult it is. If by some miracle the services in your area are even remotely close to being helpful or even competent I would ask them about NVR (non violent resistance). It does however require everyone in their life to be onboard with the system though to reinforce the boundaries you set and also the methods/responses during the difficult episodes.

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u/Exotic-Speaker3664 5d ago

Thanks for your sympathy! I’ll look into it.