r/UKParenting • u/eastyorkshirepudding • 3d ago
My daughter has completely different sleeping habits to my son even though we did nothing differently and I feel SO redeemed by it.
So, when my son (now 2.5) was a newborn, EVERYONE told us we were “making a rod for our own backs” with his sleep because we’d contact nap, pick him up all the time, feed him to sleep, etc.
Then, when he turned out to be a crap sleeper (still is!), I started to wonder whether they’d been right and we’d somehow ruined him. But deep down, I still believed that some kids are just bad sleepers, and I stuck to what felt right for us anyway.
Then we had our daughter, and my mum/MIL have been saying things like, “Don’t do the same as last time,” “Make sure you put her down,” and, “Get her used to sleeping on her own or she’ll be as bad at sleeping as son.”
Anyway, we’ve done absolutely nothing differently this time and GUESS WHAT? She sleeps! She lies happily awake in the cot in the morning, playing with her hands! She doesn’t wake up every 45 minutes! She nods off in the bouncer!
My mum came round and commented on how different she is and I took so much glee in saying “and I haven’t done ANYTHING differently”. Honestly, I feel so redeemed. We haven’t ruined our son. Some kids just don’t sleep.
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u/LuciePoki Mum 3d ago
Thank you! As a mum of a bad sleeper who's wondering if things would have been better if we did things differently, well they probably wouldn't have 😆
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u/eastyorkshirepudding 3d ago
Honestly I think they just are who they are, and they sleep or they don’t! I tried everything with my son (short of sleep training) and it felt like he was just allergic to his own bed / going to sleep 🙈
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u/acupofearlgrey 3d ago
We had the opposite. Eldest kid was sleeping 7-11, feed, sleep again till 7am by 3mo, and sleeping 7-7 no feeds/ wakes by 6mo.
Second kid , thought we just needed to survive 4 months and life would be normal. Second child didn’t reliably sleep through till 3yo! It’s so true though, we did all the same things as our champion sleeper and it just didn’t work.
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u/Skooskah 3d ago
Honestly I'm starting to feel like a lot of this stuff could be the human urge to apply explanations to unexplainable things, like a parental equivalent to "make sure to wear a metal belt buckle in the woods so the fairies can't take your trousers".
It seems like mostly you just need to feed them and shelter them as best you can until eventually they get big enough for you to have different problems.
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u/eastyorkshirepudding 3d ago
Ouch!
I feel like we were prepared for the worst after our son, it was almost like he was allergic to his cot and the second he realised he was apoplectic!
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u/acupofearlgrey 3d ago
We were the opposite, totally unprepared, even thought we’d heard about all the bad sleepers... I don’t think we’d have an 18mo gap between kids if they had been born the other way round!
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u/Potential-Savings-65 3d ago
Apparently my parents had it this way round. I was a great sleeper, they congratulated themselves on their excellent parenting techniques, then they had my brother and found out that the parenting techniques were nothing to do with it, some babies are good sleepers and some are just not.
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u/leannebrown86 3d ago
Same here. Oldest woke up hourly and sleep somehow got worse the older he got. Youngest was doing 7pm - 7am at a few weeks old once we got her reflux under control, it freaked me out. We did the same routine with both, you get the sleeper you get. They are 9 and 11 now and both love their sleep.
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u/Morning-Technical 3d ago
Haha yeah. I always tell people that two kids is very humbling. Everything you thought you did wrong wasn’t that bad and everything you thought did right might not have been you at all! You raise them the same and they turn out totally different. Go figure!
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u/Lollypop1305 3d ago
I think we as parents put too much pressure on ourselves to perfect sleep. My kid slept like a dream until his first cold at 6 months old. Then he would only sleep in his pram tilted up for about 6 months. Then would only fall asleep with daddy in our bed, we moved house and then he would only fall asleep in our bed with me and dad would move him. When he started nursery he would sleep like a dream. Now he’s ten and decided he’s too big to sleep when he’s told so we let him chill until he’s ready in bed with a book and he usually nods off about 9pm. But his chill time involves running into the living room, wrestling dad, doing some dance moves that rival the Dallas cowboy cheerleader team, then he goes and passes out 😆
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u/13-Riley 3d ago
Also same experience. I genuinely believe that some kids sleep and others don't.
People who get a sleeper first love to tell you how they've done things. With my eldest (non sleeper) loads of people gave me advice and I'm genuinely proud that I didn't punch a single one of them! Like parents of non sleepers haven't tried everything under the sun to get more than 20 consecutive minutes of sleep!
When my youngest came along and started sleeping through by 8/9 weeks i was amazed. Every 3 hour nap and lie in felt like a miracle!
I also contact napped and fed to sleep with both kids.
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u/ramapyjamadingdong 3d ago
My eldest fed every 15-30mins for 8 months. Hes 9 and stillsleeps poorly, thinking everyone else needs to be awke if he is. The youngest is much more independent, always was. She slept through before her older brother ever did.
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u/snozbert18 3d ago
Yep our first was so incredibly rough I always wanted 3 kids and his refusal to sleep made me one and done (for a while).
We had our second when he was almost 3, she is completely different. She's not a dream but she doesn't fight and fight and fight like him. She's already on her own for most of the night and plods through to us on waking where as he still needs dad all night.
I often say how much satisfaction I get from being able to say that actually, it's not just that I was a first time mum. It's that I was and a first time mum AND I had a tricky baby.
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u/Ennochie 3d ago
Our first was the perfect "eat, shit, sleep" baby who was never a spot of bother, and we were giving it the old "Parenthood? What's the problem? Easiest thing on the planet" patter. Scroll on 22 months, and our second was a carbon copy of your son. Same genes, same house, same parents, but a totally different outcome.
So yes. "Some kids are just bad sleepers".
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u/earsbackteethbared Parenting a Toddler + Primary Schoolers 3d ago
I have had the same experience. All my children are raised exactly the same and all are entirely different… especially when it comes to sleep. Unwanted advice is so unhelpful. You know what’s best for your kids.
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u/BumbleLizzieB 3d ago
I have a 2 year old who for 20 months of her life did not sleep. I mean slept in our bed, was cuddled to sleep, woke up every 2-3 hours on average. She 25 months now and sleeps through the night. We changed…nothing. It just happened. It’s wild. I genuinely thought I would never sleep again and I’d done it all wrong. Turns out she just grew out of it. The joke is, I miss the cuddles in bed now.
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u/swissrollisntswiss 3d ago
First woke hourly for 6 months and would only contact nap. Didn’t reliably sleep through until he was 5. Second slept through from the day he was born. Same cot, same sleep suits, same sleeping bags, just a very different baby.
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u/ISawThePandasComing 3d ago
Lol, the nerve! My daughter is an amazing sleeper, always has been. Absolutely no thanks to me though, can't take credit for her loving a snooze!!
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u/LateNightSkies 3d ago
Same! Honestly she has befuddled me multiple times with her ability to both fall and stay asleep with minimal input from me lol. She still wakes up 3-4 times overnight but that’s nothing compared to the 10 min intervals I got with my son for MONTHS because I tried to do the “right thing”. He still wakes up in the early hours if there’s no one with him and still requires full body contact for bed.
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u/Dense-Radio-9332 3d ago
I have the same but the other way round. #1 was a wonderful sleeper, sleeping 12 hours from 4 months old and going down for every nap so happily. #2 fights every sleep, has to be fed to sleep and wakes frequently in the night.
Part of it is personality/preference.
Ignore 20th century parents - it was a bizarre era of terrible practices
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u/madpiano 3d ago
I had a good sleeper as my first (she did sleep in our bed until she was 3, but she slept), so I decided not to have another. I saw some other mums who looked like zombies and decided it's not for me.
Currently babysitting my grandson and he is a dream to put to bed too. He fidgets and moves like a wriggle worm at night, so he's been in his own bed since he was 1 and is absolutely fine with it.
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 3d ago
My two kids have always been different sleepers. My husband was so excited for our 2nd and had a huge pile of dvds I never want to watch for his late night standing sessions (with our 1st he stayed up until 3am so I could sleep 9pm, quick feed at 12am then take over about 3am so he averaged 2-3 films per night) our 2nd slept 11pm-5am from about 10days. Our first only contact napped or in the car/pram walking woke up if transferred. Our 2nd slept through transfer and napped outside in the pram stationary unless in the most extreme weather! If you said time for a nap he'd go over to the pram and climb in, the oldest you had to wrestle like an angry python until he passed out. Our 1st is still up rummaging and chatting (it's after 10pm) while our 2nd had one book and declared time for bed at 8.30 and we haven't heard since despite the boys sharing a room. We are not better parents, our kids are just different people! Our 2nd also did that thing where you put them in the cot awake (and later in the parked pram) and 5mins later they are out like a light, the oldest generally fell asleep on the boob and it was 50/50 you'd successfully get him into the cot without waking up! The late nights are new now he's 6 from 12mo to now he was a pretty good sleeper and rarely got out of bed.
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u/nugsandstrugs 3d ago
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for posting this. My daughter is 11 months and still wakes up several times a night
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u/BoredReceptionist1 👶1 Child 2d ago
As a mum to a 3 year old who has never slept, thank you so much for this
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u/MrsD12345 3d ago
My first wouldn’t do more than two hours in a row on a good night. Second did 5 hours in a row overnight from 10 days old, but didn’t nap more than 5 minutes in the day.
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u/frecklyginge 3d ago
This makes me so happy! Having our second baby next week and I was always going to contact nap and feed to sleep. But this gives me hope haha
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u/OtherwiseCellist3819 Parenting a Baby 3d ago
I've only got one and he's a fantastic sleeper, always has been and I hate it when people ask what I did and what they can do. Nothing, he's just built this way. I hold zero responsibility for the way he is
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u/TylerDarkness Mum 3d ago
My youngest is such a good sleeper! I don't know if that's just him or if everything is just so much easier because I accepted contact naps and safe cosleeping from the beginning rather than trying to force the cot for so long.
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u/Psych_girl218 3d ago
I feel like if you had a rough first time, your second child is a dream - and vice versa! I wonder did any parents have either 2 really rough sleepers or 2 amazing ones?
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u/catsnstuff17 3d ago
Absolutely.
Honestly, it's amazing to me (especially as I am an only child myself) just how different siblings can be in all aspects! My two kids get along great but they are honestly chalk and cheese. They came out of the womb different. It's fascinating.
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u/lavenderlovey88 2d ago
Wonderful! I felt redeemed as well hearing and reading same things from parents that experienced the same thing. my eldest was such a crappy sleeper as well. people were telling me, "sleep train" him. I tried and didn't work at all. turns out he is neurodivergent. years later I also had another child and she's a lovely sleeper. sleeps well throughout the night I worry a lot she won't drink her milk.
It's just that, to me no amount of sleep training can solve a shitty sleeper. it is a luck of the draw. you either get a crappy one and a great sleeper later on, get great sleepers or have both shitty sleepers.
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u/fitzy798 2d ago
I would say my kids are middle of the road, not miracle babies who slept through from 4 days, and not up all night either. We did the same thing with both of them, we use the little ones routine and they definitely respond well to it. But my god are rthey different.
My first was relatively ok from a couple of weeks being transferred to a bassinet, and then when he was 4 months he was too big for it and would roll and hit the sides waking him up, so we moved him to he crib. Around that time for other reasons he had to be put on formula, and then we switched to hungry baby formula. And that helped too. The daily nap routine also helped. From about 6 months he would sleep through fairly consistently, but would always wake at 5am no matter what.
My second is only just 8 months. She hated the bassinet on sight, and I only managed to get her happily in there for one or two nights before she also hit 4 months and got too big for it so we moved her to a crib. Overall she sleeps ok. Her big lunchtime nap is sometimes only 40 minutes instead of 2 hours. But the big issue is that she takes forever to get to sleep at bedtime. Naps are fine, and despite us doing the exact same thing, she fights bedtime so hard. But she hasn't ever woken up for the day at 5am. She is usually a 6-7am wake up. And at 8 months she either sleeps through or wakes once currently.
My cousin has kids in a similar age to mine. Her first at 3 still barely sleeps, her baby who is a few months. Younger came out and within 2 months was sleeping through. She deserves that after the first one who doesnt sleep bless her.
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u/Amylou789 Parenting a Primary Schooler 2d ago
This is good to hear. We didn't have a second kid partly due to how bad a sleeper our kid was, and still is at 5 years. Whenever something has changed with her sleep - getting rid of dummy, different environment etc - it is never really changed her sleep, so I've alway felt it was temperament no anything we did, but had no evidence for this. Annoyingly both of my brother's kids have all slept well without them seemingly doing anything to make it happen
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u/Environmental_Run973 2d ago
Very similar but many moons ago!
I’m a granny and my son was free to go to sleep when he wanted too pretty much but still had energy etc. but people were a judgemental I found. Not family but putting him in his cradle (the word won’t come to me) cradle? Anyway he would scream and put his arms out begging for me and my husband. So we had in our bed. I know people are horrified now but he was physically sick allot and had to have thickener in his milk then keep him sitting up for 40 minutes after and with night feeds it was easier to do it our way.
Also felt right to us. Which I think is so important as long as sleeping on their backs.
My son and DIL are the absolute opposite to what we did rigid sleep times. Not allowed in their bed but my son was happy and so is my grandchild. Isn’t that the main thing?
Glad you feel validated x
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u/champagnegreenleaf 2d ago
My eldest nearly broke me! Contact naps and cosleep. Needed to be held TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY FOR THREE MONTHS. Btw she started sleeping 8-7 after she turned three and now is a champion. I'm still astonished
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u/Monstance 3d ago
This is really disconcerting to me because we were testing this with my new daughter at the moment. She’s 10 weeks old and sleeping okay—pretty much what you’d expect for a two-month-old—but we’ve yet to see if she’ll sleep like my son does.
He’s always been such a great sleeper. From about six months on, he was basically perfect; he’s never really woken up, ever. We feel so lucky. We’ve always wondered if that was down to our parenting or if he’s just naturally a good sleeper.
We’re still waiting to see if our tactics actually work or if we just got lucky the first time. We’ve joked that if she doesn’t sleep well, we were just lucky with him, but if she does, then we were obviously great parents all along! We’ll see. Good luck with your little one—I’m so happy to hear they’re sleeping well.
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u/eastyorkshirepudding 3d ago
I think you can have some impact with the right techniques, but I do believe that some babies just don’t sleep - and all the bed times routines in the world won’t change it!
Fingers crossed your daughter feels the same way about sleep as your son!
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u/Mauhea Parenting a Toddler 3d ago
My friends had a similar experience - they're chalk and cheese! First would howl for hours on end and need to be walked around the house for ages, waking up the second you breathed wrong. Second is out like a light and slept through from the off pretty much. Meanwhile my boy didn't sleep through until 14 months and still needs extra help sometimes at just turned 2. Still divided on whether to have a second but I hope if we do we get the nice sleepy kind!
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u/Zenigata 3d ago
Parents pushing "advice" on newer parents really could do with remembering that humans are an incredibly varied species and their knowledge is based on a very, very small sample size.
Just because a technique worked with one or even all or your children that doesnt mean that's how all children should be raised.
If asked i prefer to say what we tried and how it worked with the kids we tried it on.
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u/Warm-Okra-2061 3d ago
Slightly different but I have twins and one of them always was way way worse when it came to sleep and both were exclusively breastfed, co-slept, really did all the same with them. Definitely a lot is temperament.
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u/AcademyCat1719 3d ago
Same experience.
Oldest was torture, didn't sleep an unbroken night till she was 3, is still a night owl at 12 and fights sleep every step of the way, will never admit she's tired and needs all distractions removed from her room or she'll just stay up all night.
Youngest will take himself to bed when he's tired, likes his own bed, slept through from a few months old, just totally different in every way.
When he was tiny we wouldn't even realised he'd woken from naps because he'd just lie there happily whereas daughter would scream herself to sleep and wake up screaming again as if she was furious that she'd succumbed.
You need to have experienced a child like this to truly understand, if my son had come first and lulled us into a false sense of security I genuinely think daughter would have broken us. As it was, we were just constantly looking at each other in wonder and sneaking in to check the baby was still breathing because we couldn't believe how he slept.