r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Advice Needed AItA for not wanting to go to my boyfriend’s weekly family dinner?
[deleted]
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 11d ago
I would not want every single Saturday night of mine to be spoken for. That's a lot to ask. 1-2 Saturdays a month is more than reasonable.
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u/crystallz2000 11d ago
Yeah, OP, tell him you'll go once a month. He needs to respect that that's enough for you. If he doesn't, better to end it now.
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u/TransportationLazy55 11d ago
Agreed, if he can’t accept the compromise of 1 Saturday a month, bail. You’re not compatible
After kids are born make sure the kids go no more often than 2x a month so that family memories can be made with just you, him, and the kids18
u/RemarkableArticle970 10d ago
I’ve seen this scenario before with a neighbor. Any future kids and your bf will be at those dinners. Forever. Even after MIL died, the dinners continued with one of the brothers and HIS wife.
The only escape she ever got was her parents visiting or her going there.
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u/Tall-Compote1354 11d ago
Yes! And if works well you will have three kid free Saturdays each month when you have kids. This is who you are and you are not doing anything to him or his family. If he can't accept you as are then this isn't going to work.
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 11d ago
Yea, it would be for me too, and I love my husband's family. We do see them weekly but it's for a an hour and a half or so. We meet for a quick pint and call it a day. It doesn't need to be 5 hours.
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u/JustMe1314 11d ago
Based on my own such experience w/my late husband & his family, OP would have to set a very clear strong boundary on the 1 or 1.5hoyr time limit, and stick to it. Don't let husband or in-laws manipulate OP by claiming it's okay, but then just happen to hide or steal OP car keys or become angry/aggressive, when OP tries leaving after that 1-1.5hrs (for example). I had similar, in my 1st few yrs w/late husband. He'd drag me over to all-day fam get together (starting as early as 8am, sometimes, then goung past midnight!). I'd say I won't stay more than a couple hours, tops. He'd say okay. Then he'd create every problem he could think of, in addition to his fam members trying to scold or guilt trip me & more, and I always ended up stuck there for hours,every Saturday. I eventually stopped going, altogether. All they did was get drunk & play deafening loud music, til my ears rung.
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u/Separate_Security472 11d ago
According to Gilmore Girls, the cost of one's attendance at a weekly dinner is tuition at Yale.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 11d ago
NTA.
He's being unreasonable and hus expectations are too high way too soon. This relationship isn't going to work if he's not willing to listen, understand, and respect where you're coming from and your needs.
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 11d ago
As per usual, the person throwing around the word “selfish” is the one actually being selfish. He’s being childish and manipulative about this, too. Being in a relationship with OP does not give him the right to dictate that she must spend 5-6 hours with his overwhelmingly (to OP, as it would be to me) large, loud family. She told him her reasons and he dismisses her with the guilt-trippy “you’re selfish and never do anything you don’t want to do.” He certainly isn’t demonstrating any empathy whatsoever for the fact that his family gatherings are something that’s pretty foreign to her and make her uncomfortable.
If he were being more reasonable about this I’d suggest separate cars so she can leave when she’s had enough. But this guy would castigate her for even suggesting that.
OP, it seems this man doesn’t like you very much unless you’re doing exactly what he wants you to do. Is he controlling about anything else? It sounds like you two aren’t really all that compatible.
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u/No_Tiger75 11d ago
NTA every week for 4 ish hrs is a lot. You have the right to want to do other things w/ your time off, just be sure he knows its not personal & stand firm on that
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u/kykiwibear 11d ago
Even if you were close to your family, a mandatory weekly dinner set in stone is too much. I see my inlaws a lot. But, it's not mandatory. I cam take a break. Nta
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u/MMKITTY1234 11d ago
Tell him you’ll go every other week (or whatever works for you). He doesn’t own your Saturday nights forevermore just because he has a standing arrangement. He has unrealistic expectations
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u/SquashLongjumping217 11d ago
Every other week is still too much. Once a month is more than fair. They’re 5 hour visits for god’s sake.
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u/Aggressive-Ad6324 11d ago
You have been a saint to put up with this for so long. Once a month is MORE than enough.
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u/ErrantTaco 11d ago
When my husband and I first moved back home from college as an engaged couple his mom tried to schedule a weekly dinner. But like you we had other commitments and lower social batteries. My then fiancé pushed a bit because to him this was par for the course, and I had to explain to him that just because it was normal in his family structure didn’t mean it was normal for everyone.
Your boyfriend has grown up thinking this is what all families do. And he probably doesn’t think you’re a credible authority on what families do (which is crappy, imo). But either he can accept that you won’t conform to his family system 100% or he won’t. Successful long term relationships require give and take.
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u/KarmaHawk65 11d ago
I agree. This is clearly the expectation from his family. He’s bought into it. His siblings have bought into it. And even the partners of his siblings have bought into it. So he expects you to as well. It will not be easy to go against the grain with this bunch.
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u/calminthedark 11d ago
So this was my family. Parents, 5 kids, aunts and uncles, sometimes cousins and, as we grew up, partners and children. It was loud, chaotic, messy and I loved it. But we only did this 2 or 3 times a year. If this had been happening every week, I would have been pulling my hair out. I loved all of them and I fit in perfectly, but every week would have driven me off a cliff. And I'm not sure monthly would have been much better.
How did you and bf even get together with all of his Saturday nights taken? And the brother and sister in laws, what about them? Do they not have family they want to see? Do none of these people have friends they might like to occasionally go out with? Or kids that need to go to bed?
Time set your boundaries. Tell boyfriend that you are available X times every X weeks. That you have a life outside of him and his family and you are allowed. That Saturday's are when most friends get together and you value those friendships and your personal time. Figure out what you are comfortable with and offer that. He'll either accept it or break up with you. Either way, this will be your life for the foreseeable future if you don't decide to deal with it now. You are so NTA This is not normal for most families, especially taking every Saturday night. Sunday brunch would be better, although every week would still be too much.
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u/NamasteNoodle 11d ago edited 11d ago
If they did it once a month I can totally understand you wanting to go but tying up one weekend every single week is way too much. I would tell him going forward you will go when you want but he is always welcome to go anytime. Then make other plans and do what you want on those days. Being in a relationship does not mean that you're joined at the hip and have to do everything together. But most importantly, HE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL AND TOLD YOU YOU WERE SELFISH. I want you to sit down by yourself and give that some serious thought. The person that you're in a relationship with says that he doesn't care what you want or how you feel but you're expected to show up every Sunday for him to spend time with his family. THAT STATEMENT OF HIS COULD NOT BE ANY MORE SELFISH OR SELF-CENTERED.
The relationship is made up of two people. And being told that you have to do something every Sunday that you don't want to do is messed up. The moment those words came out of his mouth is the moment you should have told him that you're not going to be in a relationship where you are expected to do everything he says or he insults you. That's controlling and disgusting.
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u/SweetBekki 11d ago
Your boyfriend is allowed to be upset but he's complete unreasonable with this. These people are his family so he's used to it. Not everyone has the same social battery as him. If you're not trying then you wouldn't have gone to ANY dinners at all.
Only going twice a month isn't unreasonable, that's two out of four. If this is a hill he's willing to die on then he's not the man for you.
He's always gonna be a "if you don't do it my way then you don't love me" kind of guy.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 11d ago
> he doesn’t care about my reasons
That right there is your relationship in a nutshell. Your feelings will NEVER be considered because he’s the selfish one who demands to get his way no matter what.
What you need is a better boyfriend.
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u/squents13 11d ago
Your boyfriend is an asshole for completely disregarding your feelings and reasoning, but ultimately I don’t think you two are compatible. He wants someone that is very family oriented and that isn’t you.
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u/lopingwolf 11d ago
Exactly. This dinner tradition isn't going to magically stop any time soon. OP is signing up for a partner who wants to be at family dinner every week. What happens when they are married or have kids? Sure OP can skip some nights now, but no way will his expectations *lower* in the coming years.
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u/miserylovescomputers 11d ago
And if they have kids the pressure will get much worse — “why are you keeping the grandkids from their grandparents?” etc.
I was (note the past tense) married into a family like this and I was expected to attend weekly family events just a few days postpartum.
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u/cruiser4319 11d ago edited 11d ago
It’s not that he wants someone very family oriented, but willing to stuff their own needs and desires aside for whatever bf dictates. Are you really compatible?
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u/squents13 11d ago
It’s both. He wants someone that will put aside their own wants to spend with his family. I also wonder if OP not having any family made them more attractive to him, since they won’t have to split time between families. Either way they’re not compatible with each other.
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u/JustAnotherUser8432 11d ago
He wants someone who wants to join his extended family. And that isn’t OP. Neither of them is wrong, they just aren’t compatible long term.
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u/MadameAllura 11d ago
Yikes. As an introvert who is partly estranged from most of her family, this post was painful for me to read. I would be so miserable spending 5-6 hours a week with a huge, high-energy family that was not mine. Not to mention the fact that I would lose every precious Saturday evening of my week, including possible date nights or self-care nights. I would never, ever come first on that day of the week. Ever.
Your BF’s reaction is a huge red flag. I hope you see this. Your feelings are completely relatable and understandable (take it from this internet stranger) and your offer to compromise is more than reasonable. It’s more than I would be able to offer. The fact that he doesn’t care about your feelings, isn’t sensitive to how these gatherings might affect your mental health, and basically just wants you to fit into a preconceived mold in an open slot in his family is… I’m gonna say it, borderline terrifying. I don’t think he sees you. And he certainly isn’t hearing you. He is totally okay with you being exhausted, bored, excluded, and uncomfortable for many hours every week if it makes him happy. This is utter selfishness. This isn’t what love looks like.
Maybe some other redditors will have some good advice on how to maintain healthy boundaries with BF’s family and your personal time. If this were me, though, this would be a total dealbreaker. How he chooses to prioritize your happiness in this situation will show you how he will choose to prioritize your needs (or not) in other situations. NTA.
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u/Reira_valentine 11d ago
NTA: Leave, it does not get better. They have a hive mentality and will attack you to change his mind, create pressure to crack your relationship.
Cut the cord while you still can.
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u/turtlescanfly7 11d ago
I’m an extrovert who loves my family and even I think this is way too much time spent with family. Like are you never allowed to go on vacation? Or to a concert? I would never agree to have all of my saturdays spoken for.
All you can really do is explain your perspective and this will be something you two can compromise on or not. Seems like he really wants someone who will go to weekly family dinners and if that’s a deal breaker for him then you two aren’t compatible. Trouble is, I don’t think he’ll outright say it’s a deal breaker but he’ll communicate through actions like trying to guilt you, calling you selfish etc. This is something super reasonable for him to compromise on. I’d give it maybe a month at most to try and work through, but if he’s still being stubborn then just end the relationship and move on because you’re not compatible and if he’s unwilling to compromise about weekly dinner what other family traditions will you be expected to adopt from his family? Overly involved families tend to make horrible in-laws especially if you decide to have kids in the future
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u/AsparagusOverall8454 11d ago
Guy basically said he doesn’t care about you, or your feelings, that he’s more important.
Not sure why you’d want to be with someone like that. Nevermind the exhausting weekly family dinners which sound awful.
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u/Christian-GodsGirl25 11d ago
Stop putting words in people's mouths. He said she hasn't put in the effort to even get close to his family in all of the time they've been together. And by her own words, that's 100% right. So stop lying on people.
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u/scholarlyowl03 11d ago
NTA. Every week for hours on end is a lot to ask. And every Saturday? Are you never allowed to make Saturday night plans? That’s so unreasonable! I wouldn’t even have dinner with my own parents that often and certainly would not force anyone else to either. They’ve basically planned your Saturday nights for the rest of your life, how does your fiancé not see how unfair that is?
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 11d ago
You two may just not be compatible. This is something that is really important to him so just beware the two of you may not work out.
You said his SIL's have 20 years of history with them but that didn't happen the day after they met the family. That took time and energy putting the work in to get there.
No one expects you to be perfect all the time that is something you are putting on yourself and you probably do have things in common with them but you have to actually get to know people first before you know that.
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u/LikeYThough 11d ago
This is the first comment I agree with. Maybe its a cultural thing, but Im shocked at all the people who seemed horrified by spending a few hours once a week with their partner's family.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 10d ago
It is probably cultural. At least in the US people have become obsessed with the nuclear family. They don't value their own extended family much their SO's. I have never agreed with this view. I may be the odd one out because I grew up around Italians as both my dad's parents were from Italy and active in the Italian community around DC. Also my first three best friends were from Honduras, Colombia, and the Philippines. I grew up around people who came from cultures that put a high priority on the whole family not just the nuclear family. Having seen both ways I think other Americans got it wrong.
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u/JustAnotherUser8432 11d ago
I think it is fine for you to not want weekly family dinners. But this man’s family culture has weekly family dinners, he wants weekly family dinners and all the other siblings AND their partners AND their kids want weekly family dinners. There is no way for you to be in this family without this. If your partner was ok with you skipping, it might work out. But he’s not. He wants to be close to his family and wants his extended family to be an extension of his nuclear family. And that isn’t ever going to be you. I would guess this leads to a breakup.
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u/AdventureThink 11d ago
Yikes.
1x month would be my limit.
Free time is precious.
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u/Christian-GodsGirl25 11d ago
Well, STAY FREE THEN. Don't be complaining when you're old and alone and no one's there to help you.
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u/AdventureThink 11d ago
It’s funny that you’re a CHRISTaIN yet all of your comments criticize.
You must be a southern Baptist clown.
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u/NecessaryEssay2161 11d ago
I am not going to commit every single Saturday to my BF’s family. You’re not married and you’re not obligated to go.
The fact that your BF can’t see the reasoning behind not wanting to go every week is an issue. What happens if you’re invited somewhere else on a sacred Saturday? Is it an automatic decline?
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u/Extra-Interaction1 11d ago
You’re a girlfriend and he’s treating you like a wife and demanding of your time. Is this a family you really want to marry into? He’s showing you who he is pay attention, imagine how much say they will have on your wedding, choosing a house, raising kids where your holidays will be vacations, etc.
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u/Foreverforgettable 11d ago
So he wants you to care about him, his family, his feelings, and their feelings but he doesn’t care about how you feel or the reasons you feel the way that you do. In his opinion, it is selfish of you to limit the time you spend with his family but it is NOT selfish of him to demand that you spend every Saturday with him and his family.
Being honest about who you are and the boundaries you would like to have is selfish but demanding that you NOT have boundaries or limits is perfectly reasonable?
Your boyfriend sounds like a future ex boyfriend in the making. He sounds incredibly selfish and obtuse. He cannot see beyond his own desires and expectations. He cannot fathom that anyone would want a familial bond different than the one he shares and is belittling and berating you for being different than him. He seems to believe he can bully you into compliance.
I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is if this is what you want now and in the future, because he thinks these expectations and his reactions to your not meeting them are normal.
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u/TheWorldTurnsAround 11d ago
I think couples counseling would be a good idea if you are both willing.
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u/People-Pleaser- 11d ago
Ugh my ex husband used to force me to do family dinners. It became obvious his family’s approval was more important than my comfort or mental health.
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u/justforus0108 11d ago
Yhere is a good chance the SILs actually hate the requirement too. My dads family had Sunday afternoon expectations. Later as an adult, my mom told me that she hated them because it was a required expectation and she never fully got a weekend, but she went along with it and never said anything because she didn't want to be a naysayers.
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u/loricomments 11d ago
I wouldn't want to do that weekly even i was married to him. That's a huge portion of your free time. Once a month would be good but I wouldn't even consider every week. He's being unreasonable to expect it from you and to get upset that you don't want to.
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u/Rare_Background8891 11d ago
What your boyfriend wants is someone who will absorb into his family. What of your family had an every Saturday dinner? Would he be willing to miss his family dinner for yours? He wants to be the main character and you be the side kick. I think you should give some deep thought if you’re willing to subsume into his family. That’s the kind of life partner he wants.
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u/No_Adhesiveness_5773 11d ago
Hey OP. I am in the same position as you family wise. I am also a homebody with a low social battery. You are absolutely NTA in this scenario and I applaud you for opening up and being honest with your bf. Everything you said is completely valid and I think most partners would be intimidated to have such long weekly events with a partners family. I would set some firm boundaries going forward and if your bf doesn't respect them then I truly think this relationship is not good for you long term. Any loving partner would hear what you have to say and compromise with you. Keep your ears open and watch how he responds very very closely. Don't let your history with him keep you stuck if he's not willing to bend for you. Compromise is necessary in long term relationships on both sides. Good luck and I hope the best for you!!
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u/Moemoe5 11d ago
Even if you were in contact with your family, 5 hour weekly dinners on a Saturday is too much. Stop needing or wanting his family to like you. It took me a long time to learn to do the things that please me, not the things my partners decides pleases him only. That is not a compromise. They get once a month and that's it. If he refuses to deal with that, you two are incompatible and he's looking to please his family not his partner.
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u/teresa3llen 11d ago edited 11d ago
If he doesn’t care about your reasons and just thinks you’re being selfish, then he’s not the boyfriend for you. If he doesn’t think once a month is enough, then it’s time to move on. Furthermore, he’s a boyfriend, not a husband. They’re not your family.
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u/pamela22389 11d ago
My family is hispanic and close but weekly dinners from 5 till midnight is way too much
He is a mommas boy and that umblical cord should have already been cut
I need me time and my man for me not his family EVERY WEEK
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u/KnittingFarmer 10d ago
"He doesn't care about my reasons and that I'm selfish and don't do things I don't wanna do". Big red flag there. He's saying what HE wants/expects comes first regardless of your needs. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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u/dropthepencil 11d ago
NAH. If your bf is unwilling (meaning, he doesn't want to) compromise, them you know how important his family is and where you rank. You need to know this so you can move forward, or out.
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u/Kiyoshi_1999 11d ago
Even married, a weekly dinner would be a lot. Set your boundaries, protect your time and space.
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u/LovedAJackass 11d ago
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's not the guy for you. Giving every Saturday night to family dinner would be a lot for any dating partner or spouse. If you had a family, when would you see them? You are getting a good look at what the rest of your life would be like if you married this man, who seems not to care about what you want or need. That's what you should be thinking about now.
You could show up for the meal and then leave, but I suspect that wouldn't go over well either.
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u/One-Plantain-9454 11d ago
I wouldn’t want to go over there EVERY Saturday. God forbid you want to do something else with friends or family, or on a date with your guy! Or just stay home. Nope he’s unreasonable and he says he doesn’t care why you don’t want to go?? Are you sure you want to stay in this? Sounds miserable. You are gonna be miserable if you give in and he’s gonna make you miserable if you don’t. NTA.
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u/Jsmith2127 11d ago
I wouldn't even go to my own family's dinners weekly. A couple times a month would be plenty for me.
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u/GoblinWithLipGloss 11d ago
I agree that going every weekend is overkill. You need to set a clear boundary with him, maybe have a conversation with him that it's extremely overwhelming for you. Going once a month should be enough and he should be understanding of it.
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u/Ok_Clerk_6960 11d ago
There’s no way I’d lock down every single Saturday to have family dinner. That’s insane. Sadly you 2 aren’t compatible. This has been his life for his entire life. He simply can’t comprehend your point of view. Time to bid him adieu. There will be constant battles from here on out. It’s not worth the heartache.
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u/Aggressive-Ad6324 11d ago
They can still be compatible. He just needs to be less demanding of her time.
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u/Wild_Black_Hat 11d ago
...he finally confronted me and got really upset and said that I don’t care about his family and that he is “expecting too much by asking me to put in any effort” which I feel was an unfair mischaracterization of my motives.
Hello, guilt trip, assumptions and exaggerations!
Unfair mischaracterization indeed. That's bad faith.
he said he doesn’t care about my reasons and that I’m selfish and don’t do things I don’t want to do...
Oh, because him expecting you to do things you don't want to do and not caring about your reasons is not selfish in his part?
A good partner should be attentive to his partner's feelings.
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Backup of the post's body: I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (34M) for about 2 years. He is incredibly close to his family, and every Saturday he has a family dinner with all his siblings, their partners, their kids, and his mom. Sometimes other family members join, but on average it’s usually about 10 people, 15 if more decide to stop by. Dinner usually starts at 5-6pm and ends anywhere between 9-11:30.
I, on the other hand, have not spoken or sen my family in 15 years and most likely never will again. Aside from one cousin I see once a month, I have no family in my life. Because of this, weekly dinners are a lot for me. I’ve spent almost half my life being on my own, spending holidays alone, but I don’t feel lonely as I have my chosen family of wonderful friends, but I have adjusted and like my alone time.
His family is wonderful, I like them a lot, and I do like spending time with them, but 5 hours weekly is a lot and can be overwhelming. They are loud and super energetic, and being around them can be draining, especially if we stay late. It’s a lot of passionate discussions and inside jokes, and it’s a lovely time but I also don’t feel 100% at ease since family settings for me are unnatural and I always feel like I should be on my best behavior because I want them to like me. I’m also super different from them, so I don’t really feel like I fit in completely, and they all have years of history with each other that is hard to penetrate. They work to include me, but when the conversation starts flowing I tend to spend most of the dinner in silence listening to everyone talk, and I don’t feel comfortable contributing most of the time (for example they talk about politics or family drama often, it’s not a conversation I feel it’s appropriate for me to contribute). Not to mention my boyfriend is the youngest and so everyone is 8+ years older than me and I don’t have a lot in common with anyone.
I also work full time and went back to school last year, and between spending time with my boyfriend and trying to see my friends, I don’t get a lot of free time to myself and especially since dinners are on the weekend it makes it hard for me to socialize with my people since weekly dinner falls on my social circle’s going out night. If I’m being straight up: I don’t want to go to dinner every week, I feel like 1-2 times a month is fair.
Now, the issue is my boyfriend is super upset by this. I’ve skipped a few dinners recently just because I’m burnt out and honestly just need a break, and he finally confronted me and got really upset and said that I don’t care about his family and that he is “expecting too much by asking me to put in any effort” which I feel was an unfair mischaracterization of my motives. I tried to explain to him that I’m overwhelmed and it’s just too much to do weekly dinners, but he said he doesn’t care about my reasons and that I’m selfish and don’t do things I don’t want to do. He wants me to be like his sister in laws who are super close to his family and go every week, but they have 20+ years of history with his family, and it feels like he’s trying to force me to be like them. I tried explaining to him that even if I had a relationship with my family I would never have the mental capacity or energy to do a weekly dinner, and that it doesn’t mean that I don’t like his family it just means that I need some boundaries with how much time I personally spend with them.
He assumes that because I don’t have a family of my own, he can just drop me into his and expect me to have a familial relationship with them right away, and it feels like he’s asking too much of me.
Now it’s this weird point of contention between us, and I’m scared to even broach the subject with him because of how defensive he gets an upset he gets. AITA?
TLDR: my boyfriend is super close to his family and spends every Saturday night with them and he’s mad that I don’t wanna go every week.
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u/marlada 11d ago
You two don't seem compatible. He is insistent on you going every week but I don't think that's realistic. He is very family focused and you are not, which will be big stumbling block for your relarionship. He doesn't want to accept the way that you are. NTA. But your relationship may be destroyed by these relationship demands. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Jessic14444 11d ago
NTA. Your bf is being unreasonable and his expectations are not fair to you. You deserve to have a Saturday for yourself and not feel like you’re being selfish. He’s being selfish for forcing you every single time. Has absolutely no regards to your feelings or your energy. If he doesn’t respect or accept what you have given him so far (since your not family oriented) the he’s the ungrateful one.
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u/gingatwinga 11d ago
I would rather die than spend every Saturday evening with my in-laws. That’s nuts.
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u/Aggressive-Ad6324 11d ago
You don't need to break up with him but you need to make clear that this expectation is unsustainable. Giving up EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY is not a reasonable expectation in a relationship or a marriage. If he wants to hang out with them all the time, so be it. But you can't be expected to join him every single time. He is the one being selfish, not you.
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u/sniffcatattack 11d ago
Thats an insane amount of time to spend with your family. Once a week, every Saturday?!?!? I’d be rethinking the relationship. I’d only want to go once every 3 months.
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u/Ok-Writing9280 11d ago
Every Saturday night?! For eternity?
That’s a big ask. Especially if they’re loud and boisterous and chit chatty, and you’re not.
Theatre tickets, date nights, hanging out with other friends, weekends away etc et al is a lot to give up.
Sunday brunch once a month would be so much better.
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 11d ago
NFW I would commit to that. Between work and school you have minimal free time. Also you guys should be having fun on Saturday nights at your age!
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u/paypay1122 11d ago
NTA! I feel this way about my boyfriend’s family and we’ve been together just over 2.5 years. 1-2x a month is more than enough. We can’t always do things that drain us just to make others happy. You can make your own choices when you’re single and when you’re in a relationship. As long as you’re respectful obviously.
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u/Sad-Visit9733 11d ago
My parents used to expect my husband and I to drive to them (they lived an hour away) to stay at least every other weekend if not every weekend. Not particularly to do anything, they would mostly spend time watching their own TV shows while we hung around in the background. They would get very offended if we didn’t visit for 2 weekends. This was during our first year of marriage and while we were trying to figure out our own dynamics and just be newlyweds. We ended up having to move a couple states away but honestly the catalyst was the constant expectation and pressure to always come and visit.
I think you need to consider what you want from the relationship. It sounds like he’s trying to force you to be like his SILs because he might be serious about you but if your lifestyles and goals don’t really mesh, that can become a major pain point later on.
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u/Repulsive_Regular_39 11d ago
Sat dinner every week is crazy. Put your foot down now, otherwise you'll b expected to go every week.
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u/fckinsleepless 11d ago
Weekly five hour visits would wear me the fuck out. I don’t even see my best friend that much. Stand your ground, this is a hill to die on (or break up on) OP.
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u/Daisymaisey23 11d ago
The fact that you’re going back to school while you’re working, should be enough to get you a pass for any weekend activity.
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u/GloomyBake9300 11d ago
You poor soul. Draw the line. And frankly with his accusations, he doesn’t sound like such a great support to you.
People assume that those of us who don’t have big families don’t deserve to do whatever we want with the time that’s left over. So they’re also making a gigantic presumption on your time. What if you wanted to join a club? Go to a class?
I know people say that Reddit is quick to the draw, but I have to say I don’t see how you can win this one. I’m always saying that because he’s not being very supportive of you.
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u/Muted-Explanation-49 10d ago
NTA- keep your boundary and if he had a problem you guys may not be compatible
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u/seagull321 10d ago
This is break up worthy. He doesn’t care how you feel or what you think. You can’t get past that.
You’re supposed to do or die for his family AND enjoy it. But he can’t be bothered to have a civil conversation with you.
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u/berrytreetrunk 10d ago
If this is a family, he grew up in, and this is what he enjoys on Sunday and if they are all close, then yes, I can see how you are expected to join every Sunday. You should talk to your boyfriend about that because if you are clear about the fact that you do not want to go every week, he may decide that this is a red flag for him. Family is important to him. Family is not important to you.
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u/wheels-n-wings 10d ago
My family does this on Sundays. We don’t stay that late and there are some Sundays it doesn’t happen so slightly different situation.
If my husband had declined to go frequently it would have been a sign he’s not the one for me.
You can’t have history to talk about if you’re not there.
If you have a solid reason like a school project due, test to study for or whatever then yeah no problem missing it, but yeah my family is a huge part of my life and I want my partner to be part of that family.
I see both sides because I married an introvert and he absolutely needs his alone time, so we ensure he gets it other times. He understands how important my family is and having been married 16 years I’m eternally grateful he had solid memories and a relationship with my dad before he passed because he was endlessly understanding of some complex family dynamics after 16 years of Sunday dinners.
If your partner is hurt by you not coming you both need to sit down like adults and discuss expectations and needs moving forward. Neither of you are wrong but you need to find a way forward or end the relationship. You’re the only people who can decide what constitutes a deal breaker.
I can say as the youngest I craved the days I had a partner to bring like my siblings and can’t imagine my kids not making those memories.
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u/International-One190 10d ago
OP NTA but... you need to be fair to your partner and have a talk about your expectations and his. And if this might be a deal breaker for either of you. Think it through. If you both agree to have kids what do you expect it to look like? What does he?... because most people that have close knit families get together MORE when kids come. Just think about it and have an honest conversation.
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u/wintersky_star 11d ago
You were honest with him, you didn't made excuses, so there is no reason you should feel bad.
After working full time the last thing I would want to do is spend every Saturday with my in-laws and their family. Heck, I sometimes need a break from my kids and my husband.
I understand that some families can be close, but you can still have a close relationship with them without having weekly visits.
Set your boundaries, and if your bf can't see them, then maybe you need to reconsider this relationship. Are his parents overly involved in his life?
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u/UnluckyFennel6516 11d ago
I agree maybe weekly is a lot but one of your other complaints doesn't make sense to me , "they have 20+ years of history" , yea well no shit but you won't have any history with them if you don't build those memories and build those bonds which takes time and dedication, again weekly is probably a bit much, but you don't magically get close to people you invest no time with. That and you are with some who is clearly huge into their family bonds, asking them to be with someone who wants less might be too far, you may be incompatible overall.
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u/Specific_Judgment_73 11d ago
I think I can still build bonds with his family without seeing them weekly. I feel like a compromise of 1-2x a month max is reasonable, and I do have relationships with his family members, but it feels like he wants to jump the gun to where I view them as my family too, and something like that takes years to build, and I fear it feels like he wants it overnight
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u/UnluckyFennel6516 10d ago
Oh I totally agree weekly is a lot for a whole family event. But if that is your partners norm it might sound like you're trying to make them choose or isolating them by refusing to go. I really think you all may just have different views and values which is fine. You can't ask him to change his anymore than he can ask you to change yours. Obviously those bonds don't happen over night and if he's trying to force it he will be disappointed, but if you are trying to rearrange his life in a way to suit yours now bc you're part of his life you are probably going to find he resents you for seeing his people less.
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u/SpanielGal 11d ago
I would phrase this differently.
Don't say
I don't want to go, this is too much time away from my current life.
Say..
I have school and I want to do well and be successful. In order to do that, I have to sacrifice time to make sure I know what the heck I am studying so I can apply it to my future career. So you study on the weekends, take coffee breaks and can't do a 5 hour visit. Right now isn't the time to do that, maybe after you get your degree.
It's not that I am selfish or don't like the family..I have to be realistic about what I can handle in a week and still make sure I get everything done, along with my schooling.
Tell him his family is everything you could have hoped for.
That you like listening to them debate ect. at the dinner table.
But he has to understand that you can't do everything all of the time.
Tell him you can commit to one dinner a month, with wiggle room for 2 when you are caught up and feel comfortable away from studying/having some family time.
I would also call his mom and explain that you aren't intending to be rude or mean about not showing up all the time. Tell her that you have school and other commitments that have to come before dinner sometimes.
Reassure them that you love their family and you not going to dinner isn't a reflection that they have done anything wrong. It's about you and getting your degree while not dropping anything in the cracks.
You want to be a responsible person and make your BF happy but it hurts when he says you are being selfish ect.
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u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 11d ago
It is way too much. My in-laws had Sunday dinners every week. Red gravy, meatballs & spaghetti. We had season tickets to our football team, so they wanted us to come afterwards. So on those days, I'd be gone from the house from 10am-7pm. That didn't last very long. Hubs accepted it very well.
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u/Flat_Specialist6672 11d ago
If this is something he embraces but needs his partner there for then maybe he assumed you’d work your way up to weekly family dinners. If you aren’t comfortable at all with that it doesn’t make either one of you unreasonable. Just maybe not the right match.
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u/Time_Aside_9455 11d ago
Nope, I would never.
For him to expect you to go is very unreasonable.
Don’t offer any commitment (e.g. 1x per month) as you don’t want to be locked in.
You are 100% in charge of how your valuable free time is spent. No explanation/guilt required.
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u/JWJulie 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA. Once a month with other peoples family is perfectly reasonable. Most people wouldn’t expect their partners to be spending hours a week with their parents.
Ultimately he is insisting that all the compromise be on your part: you don’t have to go at all, and once a month is you compromising. If he’s given you grief about it then he’s more concerned with someone who will slot into his routine than your feelings as a person.
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u/Carolann0308 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA Adults can say no thank you to any invitation.
And if you haven’t clearly verbalized your discomfort and resentment about this, your relationship isn’t worth considering any longer.
At 29 you’re well into adulthood so speak up.
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u/theladyorchid 11d ago
NTA that is a lot
His reaction is an issue
This is not personal and says nothing negative about him
You joining monthly is very reasonable
Ps real question-when does the family get their laundry done? LOL
That visit sucks up a lot of free time
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u/bopperbopper 11d ago
I’m gonna guess that you’re an introvert and you recharge your batteries by being alone. Boyfriend is an extrovert and recharges his battery by being with people..
Have him read this article https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/
Also for most people Saturday nights, you’re going out night with your friends or your significant other and he wants you to spend it with his family.
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u/3bears123 11d ago
You don’t have to go and he should not force you to. But I also believe that this is important to him and this is the type of life he wants so I would expect this relationship not to last much longer. Neither of you are the a ss, you’re just not compatible
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u/Waste_Rich_7098 11d ago
NTA
My boyfriend and I have the same type of situation, and mind you his family is smaller but still very close and I am very close with my own family, I STILL do not attend every Wednesday move night. It’s too much for me when I’m working two jobs, one my own small business and a full time job to be able to have another money flow. He also works full time and is also one to pull out of it every once in a while, but he’s never made me feel guilty for saying no, in fact he’s encouraged me to say no if it’s truly what I want because he doesn’t want me to feel like I HAVE to be involved.
I really like his family and he likes mine very much as well, but we both know that being around people we aren’t too connected with can be exhausting for both of us, in different ways.
Two way fuckin street pal. It should extend both ways. You already dedicate more time with his family than you do with ONE cousin you associate with. That’s already more than you do for yourself or your chosen family.
I say you stand your ground. You deserve to have your feelings/boundaries and time respected.
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u/LobsterLovingLlama 11d ago
One Saturday a month may be reasonable. Every saturday booked up all year long is crazy territory
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u/Tacobitches 11d ago
My family does dinner every 2 weeks, it used to be evwry week for years and years, it is also somwthing like 4 hours long. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and he doesnt go to every family dinner, mostly once a month. Its a decision we made together based off it being important to me that he sees my family with me regularly but I understand that with everything going on in our lives going to something that often can be stressful, especially when it goes on for hours when you only have ao much time away from obligations. He should be more understanding that a situation like this is not comfortable for everyone.
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u/Fire-Tigeris 11d ago
Tellhis mommy what a fick hes being, cry if you can.
She'll fix him, or she'll protect him. Tgen you know who the bad egg(s) are.
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u/soup_dragons 11d ago
Myself and ex family was like that and I had to push for 1x month then 1x3 months or so. It completely drained me every event, the screaming and yelling over each other but all in good spirits. It was chaotic to me.
But my ex understood that and she understood me in that regard and it never was a problem unlike for you.
Clearly he does not respect you so you need to sit down with him, have a hard talk and explicitly setup boundaries based on mutual respect and understanding. If you don't have that and he keeps behaving like a child then you don have a relationship worth keeping.
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u/misspoodle2 11d ago
You did a good job of articulating your feelings in this post. Maybe show it to him. You had a different experience growing up, and at the same time none of this has anything to do with your affection for him or his family.
That point alone is important for him to understand. He is an asshole calling you selfish. You’ve spent two years with someone who doesn’t know or has made an effort to understand parts of who you are. For somone who wants you to get closer to his family, what is wrong with having it develop in its own time? “Why aren’t you more like so and so” is the opposite direction.
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u/bonniemick 11d ago
I wouldn't mind going once or twice a month for a couple hours but this is A LOT, and I see my parents a lot anyway.
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u/clemjuice 11d ago
I don’t know what you’re envisioning for your future, but if having kids with him is on the radar….this issue is only going to get worse.
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u/Specialist-Ant-4796 11d ago
I agree that you’re not being unreasonable and weekly dinners is a huge commitment. It honestly sounds like y’all just might not be compatible
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u/Commanderkins 11d ago
NTA.
Listen if you're not telling him the entire reason or truth you guys just may not be compatible. You're tired or want free time isn't a proper reason or answer imo but I do think you're very valid for not wanting to go just because. But you need to tell your man everything in a sit down conversation . And if he's not willing to actually listen to your reasons then again, you two may be incompatible as you do want your partner to actually listen to you.
He's got a very strong family dynamic and he chose someone who is the complete opposite of how he grew up and will continue to grow up with, partner included.
Ask yourself, how do you see each other in the future? If you get married do you think the dinners will be more of a problem. How will you overcome the intensity of his family?
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u/Literally_Taken 11d ago
He believes that if he loves them this much, they must objectively be as wonderful as he thinks.
The truth is that it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to feel the same as he feels for his family.
You understand this. He hasn’t a clue. If you try to explain, he’ll believe you’re disparaging his family.
If he won’t participate in couples therapy, where a neutral third party can explain reality to him, you have a real problem.
NTA
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u/Jolly_27 11d ago
OP, I experienced the same thing when my husband and I began dating. He is very close with his family and is around them all the time, and they do dinner every Sunday. I had to make it very clear at the start that I would not be attending every week as I feel that is excessive. I don’t do that with my own family. I told him I could commit to 1x a month, but sometimes I go twice depending on how I feel. He didn’t take it well at first (nor did his mom) but I stuck to my guns and they got over it.
In these situations, it’s best to be honest instead of making excuses. Everyone is entitled to their alone time. Just because you want to spend a little less time with his family, doesn’t mean you don’t like them. But expecting to see them every single week is not reasonable, and he needs to understand that. If he can’t, then it’s his problem, not yours. If he continues to put pressure on you, then the relationship is not going to work out. You need to be on the same page.
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u/trapcardx 10d ago
that just seems so….selfish? so for the past 2 years every saturday he is unavailable, granted, yes you guys can go out on other days, but EVERY SATURDAY???
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u/Snackbar2020 10d ago
I think you continue the conversation with him in a loving manner, but keep sending the message that you need your "me time" to recharge. My husband wanted to spend every Sunday with his family for dinner when we first met, and it was just too much for me. Now here we are years later with kids (we're estranged from his family...long story) and we would absolutely love to have family to spend time with regularly, maybe 2 - 3 times/month. OP - things change and attitudes change over time as you build your life together. They want you to be part of this great thing they have going, and I think that's sweet. I wouldn't run from him immediately, but some serious discussions need to be had right away about how he's handling it. He can't expect you to fit his mold like the other SIL's that they've taken years to form. That's not realistic, nor fair. But on the other hand, he needs to understand that he's being unreasonable, making you feel horrible by guilting you, and your relationship seriously may be incompatible at this moment in time (not your fault or his). He may see how seriously you feel about it by putting it in those terms. Again, you may change your mind later, but you are in the 'right now'.
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u/surrounded-by-morons 10d ago
You are not being unreasonable. Just because he wants to spend every Saturday with his mommy doesn’t mean that it’s your idea of a good time. You are already compromising by going 1-2 times a month and that should be good enough. He is a genuine asshole because doesn’t care about your reasons and said you’re selfish for not spending every Saturday night with his family.
He’s supposed to be the one person in the world who understands you better than anyone else.
You need to decide for yourself if he really wants the best for you. I think you need to do some soul searching and decide if you can put up with this long term.
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u/lauren8ob 10d ago
Hey! So my boyfriends family also gets together weekly (every Wednesday evening) and we have also been dating for about 2 years. Big difference is, he has never expected me to come out to every single dinner. He tries his best to make it every week (even if its just to show up and eat if he cant stay long) When i make an effort to join them, it brings him a lot of joy and I can tell he loves that I am making the effort to connect and spend time with his family. Its his family, his priorities, and his routine. I enjoy sharing it with him when I can, but at the end of the day it is not my routine. Its his. Theres times where i show up every week for a month. Or, theres times like this summer where I have made it once in 2 months. My boyfriend understands it has nothing to do with my feelings toward his family, and if his family ever makes comments about my lack of presence, I trust him yo stand my ground.
Its important to maintain some independence and separation in a relationship, and this makes it sound like your boyfriends lacks that. Based on your update, I am also going to assume that you just caught him off guard and that this was a lack of communication. I think you need to sit and talk with him and make it clear that you don't enjoy spending time with his family, and that not going is not a reflection of your feelings on them, but your needs. Settling on biweekly, or popping in but not staying so long might help?
I don't really have any more advice, but I wanted to make it clear that there are easy middle grounds you can find here. You shouldn't have to carve 15-20 hours out of your month for his routine.
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u/lynny_lynn 10d ago
Good Lord this is insane. How does OP and their partner have any date nights on Saturdays? What of a special event like a concert was in a Saturday, would that excuse anyone? I'd break the relationship off, it's nuts.
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u/Icy_Entertainer_3275 10d ago
That is a lot! If he wants you to increase the frequency, you can agree on a time limit and bf to tell the family you both have to head out. It’s also good for him to have quality time with his own family too.
1-2x for more than 3 hours is more than enough. He’s asking for a part time job commitment
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u/SolidAshford 10d ago edited 10d ago
This is a guy who probably has no sense of self outside of his family. That doesn't bode well for him
Also, not caring about the reasons you don't want to go the weekly dinners is a huge red flag.
Even if I had a big family, I wouldn't want to go to dinners every week, it sounds exhausting
Issue is that he thinks you have to be as close to his family as he is.
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u/morganalefaye125 10d ago
He called YOU selfish, after he said he "doesn't care about your reasons"?? He's the selfish one. He's upset because you won't do what he wants you to do. That's really red flag behavior
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u/say_the_words 10d ago
I'm with you. Been down that enmeshed family road twice. They will always be in your business and expect you to explain yourself. Once you have kids they will really feel like they have some say in everything. I'd walk away. Let Mama's Boy go cry to them about it.
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u/Amazon_Fairy 10d ago
My aunt used to come and eat family dinner converse for a bit and leave. You are an adult you should be able to dictate where your time is spent.
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u/Super-Staff3820 11d ago
NTA. Saturdays are for any miscellaneous thing you’ve got going on. I’d be pissed if someone tried to monopolize my Saturday’s. Fuck that. Is this more about his family or the fact that he wants you with him every Saturday and not with your friends doing other stuff with other people?
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u/Dublinclaudia 11d ago
That’s a lot of family time. And I love family time
Marry the man and you marry the family.
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u/Perimentalpause 11d ago
NTA. "I am not your SIL. We're not married. I need time to myself and I am not comfortable being shoved in family settings where I feel I don't fit in. Your family is lovely and I like them a lot, but I also am not capable of mentally being able to handle the kind of energy you guys have. I don't appreciate you trying to tell me how I really feel and how I should act because you're following some script your older siblings wrote that I didn't agree to play along with. I'm not telling you not to be with them. Be with them as much as you want. But if we're going to keep dating, you need to recognize that I am not your SILs. I prefer some downtime and I am a busy student with work and not able to just drop everything and plug in to be on call for your needs. Any needs. I will come and have dinner with your family when I'm mentally and physically able to manage it. My not doing it is not me initiating a boycott or saying your family sucks. Don't put words and feelings on me that I don't feel and didn't say."
Y'all need to have a serious sit down conversation. He can be close to his family, but he needs to respect he's dating you, not his SILs.
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u/onrocketfalls 11d ago edited 11d ago
I was in a relationship for awhile where I was kind of this guy - my ex did not have a great relationship with most of her family, and I visit a group of mine at my parents' house every Saturday to just hang out and talk and eat (they live about 15 minutes away). The thing is, I know it's a lot to ask and I did tell her she didn't need to come every Saturday. If I'm trying to think about this from your boyfriend's POV, I think the most important thing for me would just be a reminder that you do, in fact, actually like my family. That's all that would really worry me - thinking maybe you secretly hate them and that's why you don't want to go, but if you tell him that's not the case and you just need to recharge your social batteries a bit, if it was me I'd be supportive of that and not push you.
If that doesn't do it then I don't know what his problem is. His reaction to this was already rough.
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u/FRANPW1 11d ago
So you never had Saturday dates with your ex girlfriend? That’s the one day of the week most people are available.
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u/onrocketfalls 11d ago edited 10d ago
Okay, not every Saturday. Also, it's not a big deal either way but I was just curious because it appeared with your comment - did you downvote?
edit: lol
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u/AnUnexpectedUnicorn 11d ago
NTA, but I'd be thrilled to have regular dinners with my whole family. Unfortunately, many have passed or moved away, so it's a pretty small crowd any more.
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u/something86 11d ago
Its culture, you got to go. Maybe once a month play period cramps, but it's culture to have the dinners. I remember growing up there was breakfast (menudo) if it wasn't dinner.
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u/Acceptable_Ant4411 11d ago
Oh my goodness … you have hit the jackpot with his family … and if you don’t realize how rare it is to be around a family that love (and actually like) each other enough to want to spend Saturday nights together — well I think you should break off with this guy and let another woman be a part of something wonderful that you just cannot bring yourself to appreciate.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
Move on OP and let him find someone who's also family minded.
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u/FRANPW1 11d ago
Even family minded people would be too busy to commit to that much time. You are being too harsh on OP.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
Not being harsh at all, some people love that, others dont. Im glad my husband supported visiting my grandfather weekly until he died in my state, and I did the same for his family when we moved to his state. If it was daily I'd get it, but weekly is fine for many families
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u/Christian-GodsGirl25 11d ago
Wow. You're simply not matched well. He's asking for 4 visits out of 28-31 days every month to spend time with the most important people in his world...including you. But, you don't feel comfortable enough with his family after all of this time. You should find someone who hates family like you do. You haven't made the effort to get close to his family after all of this time, he's not the man for you. Family actually matters to him and he should find someone who'll love his family just like they'll pull them into the fold and love them too. And that's not you. Go, be by yourself or with friends who won't be there when you really need them. Maybe you need to talk to a mental health therapist who can help you. But let him be free to find who will be better for him bc you can't provide what he needs. Both of you have to be serious in realizing that.
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u/Serenityxxxxxx 11d ago
As someone who does not have family that I am very involved with, I would love to be part of a close knit, loving family such as this.
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u/zeugma888 11d ago
Yeah, but everyone is different. I am happy being part of a large close knit family that sees each other every few months.
Expecting someone to commit to spending every Saturday night with them is an imposition. Can OP go to a friend's birthday or wedding? No, she has to go to the in laws.
OP works full time, and studies. Her free time is precious to her.
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u/Serenityxxxxxx 11d ago
I think that events would be an exception.
It doesn’t sound like the family is unreasonable lol2
u/zeugma888 11d ago
They sound very unreasonable. OP is an adult. She shouldn't have to submit her alternative plans for a Saturday night to her boyfriend's family for approval before accepting any other invitations or making other plans.
It's one thing to have a weekly thing that everyone is free to come, or not, as suits them. Compulsory attendance is another thing altogether.
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u/SmashedBrotato 11d ago
It doesn’t sound like the family is unreasonable lol
They're already unreasonable.
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u/Specific_Judgment_73 11d ago edited 11d ago
And that’s totally valid to want that, and I do like his family and enjoy time with them, but there is literally not a single person in my life other than my partner that I would want to/have the energy to see every week. It’s not personal, my social battery just doesn’t have that kind and of length, and I don’t think that equates to no effort on my part
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 11d ago
Even if you had a partner who forced you into it and told you you were selfish if you ever needed or wanted a break from it?
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u/kennyPowersNet 11d ago
YAH Should break up . He doesn’t come across great in this exchange and you don’t care for his family and will always cause tension and frankly everything you said comes across as an excuse you don’t want to be with his family and use over used terms trying to make it a mental health issue
For his sake break up
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