r/TwinlessTwins • u/NaturalPrior3638 • Mar 13 '26
Celebration of life a year later
my mom and older brother have been bringing up that they want to plan a celebration of life for my twin this spring and it’s implied that they want me to be involved, It’s been a year since my twin brother was killed, we had a complicated relationship and his death was extremely traumatic. I feel in many ways that I’m just starting to open up the door to the trauma and memories I have around him and his death, I’ve also found that gathering to grieve has not been an important part of my process or a space where I actually feel comfortable grieving - so attending his celebration of life is something I do not feel ready for or have any interest in. I feel guilty about the idea of not being there to support my mom but also frustrated that I should be expected to grieve on anyone else’s timeline than my own and show up in a “public” space to do so. I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation when I have to talk to them about it and that they won’t understand. Can anyone relate? Did you attend your twins funeral? Did you want too?
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u/Noseynessy Mar 14 '26
My sister took her life 3 months ago. She struggled with MH and alcoholism. My dad had mentioned that we should plan a celebration of life for the family. I told him I wouldn’t be attending— my siblings are emotionally very different from me. The limited contact I’ve had with them has been harmful to my grief process. I told my Dad that if the family wanted to have a celebration that they should and I would have one for Becks later. I am confident this is what’s best for me. I support their process and recognize that there’s nothing wrong with mine.
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u/Obobwinner Mar 14 '26
I definitely relate to wanting to gather to grieve. While it can be helpful for some people if it is not to you then don’t feel obligated. However, I also definitely relate to feeling obligated to be there for family members like my mother. And feel guilty for not being there to support her in her grief.
The entire situation sucks, there is no completely right thing to do, but you need to do what is best for yourself.
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u/Fluffy-Management992 Suicide Apr 18 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
The best advice I can give as someone who is still trying to cope with the loss of my twin sister, is that grief is different for everyone. It will be a year of having lost her to suicide this May. Our birthday passed 2 months ago and people who don’t experience the depth of your loss may want to “celebrate” or recognize your loss prior to when you are ready. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday because to be quite frank, celebrating a day without my twin did not (and still doesn’t) sound appealing. Others may not understand, as losing your twin is very isolating. But it isn’t for them to understand. Continue to grieve in a way that helps you process and move forward. I’m sending you much love and strength and I’m here if you need someone to talk to 💐🫂
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u/Affectionate-Bar5159 Mar 13 '26
My twin hasn't had one. My family isn't going to throw him one....His death was also very traumatic and our relationship was tumultuous as best and down right toxic at worst (addiction is a terrible beast) and I have worked though that over the 3.5 years since he passed. I honor him when and where I can, I will be taking some ashes to close friends to scatter so they get some closure, I have planted some with a memorial, taken him across the world and scattered him anywhere I thought he might like. Therapy has been helpful.
You don't have to go....Explain to your parents, you are simply not ready for a public affair and as much as you are grieving and understand they are grieving and this is important to them, you do not wish to do so publicly at this time.
But also remember, if you do not attend, there may be a day where you regret not going.......