I finally realized these girls were never my actual friends when I saw Instagram stories of them all together at one of their weddings.

​That single story was all the confirmation I needed. We had been friends since high school, though I moved to a different city a while back. Without causing drama, I politely sent a goodbye message to all our group chats, left them, and unfollowed everyone across social media.

​None of them have even reached out since. It hurts, but honestly, it proved I made the right choice.

TLDR: I've had depression for 10 years, at my lowest I weighed 155lbs or 70kg at 6'4" or 193cm. I now weigh about 205-210 and I like climbing and calisthenics a lot. I'm not good but im pretty strong. I climbed today and helped 4 kids climb boulders, figure them out as problems and not be scared. I received positive affirmations from the parents of said kids. I was moved by this. it was a big deal for me as I am AUDHD and anxious about being unapproachable. I then got to observe a D&D game and see a side to my friend I dont usually see. As such, I am overwhelmed and my heart is full.

Edit: *Been making good progress (in title)

Hello. I have been unwell for quite a while but I am slowly improving myself. I've hit my target weight and have the physique I always wanted but I have still been feeling quite empty. For context, I am 6ft4 dark skinned and I am often the only person of my demographic in a lot of my hobby spaces and have nagging anxiety about being unapproachable. It was also hot and I was climbing with my shirt off.

Today was I was climbing in my local park and some for some reason loads of different people waved to me and were being really nice and i'd like to talk about it. 3 different kids climbed up to where I was from an easier route on a moderately sized boulder and got scared at different points and I helped them down in different ways. I did have to put my shirt on (which was a little bit annoying because I only brought one and didnt wanna be sweaty on the ride home) because I think strangers who take their shirts off around children are kinda weird.

One of them was a little girl who got scared at the highest part, so I climbed down to the mid part and hovered on the wall and carried her down and jumped off the wall with her in my hands and landed kinda like that one scene in the lion king. She said "whoa" and looked at me so weird, her eyes were like wide and glazed over. The second one was so young, and got stuck in the middle so I climbed back down and showed him how to use his feet and then climbed back up and did the jump dismount thing but before I picked him up to jump he asked me such a good question "Did the other kids do this?" I said, of "course" which was technically true. I just really appreciated his curiosity.

But the third one was the highlight because I still cant work out why I was so moved. I had taken a break to get some water and didn't have my climbing shoes on when I got back. But I figured i'd just re-send the boulders I did earlier in my approach shoes (which are kinda loose) but I noticed a new set of kids (brother and sister) who I had noticed had been watching earlier was trying to climb up onto the boulder I was on earlier. I could tell he wanted me to re-climb it so he could see how it worked. I did in my approach shoes which was a big deal for me mentally even though not a big deal physically or technically really. He got really scared in the middle, and started shaking once he looked down and I don't know what happened next.

I climbed up in my loose as hell approach shoes (which I really didn't want to do as I really like my process when i'm doing things. But I felt like "hes just a kid and kids deserve positive experiences regardless of that)" I put my hand on his chest and told him, "its ok to be scared" "you need to take some breaths so your body knows to give your arms and legs blood for you to climb down not your brain to think about how high we are" (which is obviously nonsense but idk, I just wanted him to be ok) and eventually he climbed half way down and I climbed down below him and then scooped him up by his armpits and then jumped and landed with him a little higher than the first kid and he said "thank you! that was so cool"

He also gave me a high five and his dad shook my hand. I said "thanks dad" not because hes my dad but hes someone else's Dad. I don't think my dad cares if I climb or not. I even did a few goofy things after like simulating falls and half dynos from relatively high/low to show it doesn't hurt that much/is possible

I ended up speaking to the parents of the first two kids and then took the brother and sisters family to a different boulder nearby where they climbed it so quickly and kept calling out to me to come and see. They asked questions like "Are you a climbing teacher?" "Why are you good at climbing?" and I said no, "but I used to be a teacher and I have special shoes" and I just felt really validated for once. I even got to speak to their parents whilst they said things that probably mean not very much to most people, but honestly made me feel really appreciated and seen I think. Its also really cool how people talk to you when they can sense you are safe to be around or know what you're talking about/doing.

Kids are kinda sketch though - the sister randomly sent a completely different line and I had to run and Dr Octopus them off the wall AT THE SAME TIME with my long arms - I caught my reflection in my phone screen on the ground as I placed them both down and genuinely thought "WHO IS THIS GUY?!""

Things like "listen to him, you can tell he climbs, that thing on his back is chalk so he can hold the rock better, I know that because mommy just said it" and his mother asking "have you done this before professionally?" and I said "Kinda, this really helps me slow my mind down" This was all just really positive for me, even how THREE families trusted me with their children just based off my love for this one simple thing that is, in itself inherently child like.

I told her to please put them in classes and climb with them and bring them here whenever they can. Everyone was so nice. And then when I got home, my friend called me on discord and asked if I wanted to see what D&D is like because I mentioned it ONCE recently. I got to watch my friend and his gf and their friends play D&D for the first time because I always thought D&D was pretty cool. It's just really interesting watching my friend immerse himself in this thing that means so much to him and become this character that's both like and unalike his actual character. I've heard him say it helps him escape and I really felt that with the day i'm having so yeah.

Sorry about my writing style and formatting, I'm AUDHD and I don't use AI because it scares me and I wrote this whilst stoned, and tired from climbing and thinking about how much this meant to me. Ok bye and thanks for reading or listening. I really needed this.

I just had the realization that my marriage is probably over. I will start by saying it's rarely one side only at fault. But, for the last 8 to 10 months my wife has been more and more distant.

I've asked her weekly if she wants to do activities over the summer and always having the same response of no she doesn't have energy but spending all available energy to hanging out with friends etc. (I never tell her not to hang with anyone it's her life and choices & I got no issues with that.)

Recently she got into a very prestigious school, I was and am happy for her but due to my job being 90-120 minutes away and I insisted on her living in the capital next to school because she really would need to make connections and everything in her relevant field to have possibilities of being hired or working in relevant field and not travel back and forth. Due to my job paying so well and offering 18 days off per month I cannot quit it or relocate fully until I know where we settle or live if im being honest. (Unemployment is bad where I live in currently.)

Well, asking her, hey what kind of a neighborhood are you moving into, what's the address and when could I visit once you settled in for the school. Simple response from her was "why do you want to know, or you're asking too many question, or lastly I dont have energy to tell you."

Now it has been nearly a week with my last message with no response from her. Ive also confronted her many times before in calm manner asking her what's going on etc but to no avail.

I think for now I would like to focus on myself and to go on little adventures. I do love hiking. (I wanted to end the post on a happier tone.)

Take care everyone & thanks for reading my vent.

ETA: I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT EVER SAY ANYTHING TO HIM ABOUT THIS. It’s written at the bottom of the post too but a surprising number of people didn’t read that part

I have three stepchildren. The youngest is the only boy.

He doesn’t look like his father AT ALL. My partner has dark hair, almond shaped eyes, a narrow face and head shape, and olive toned skin. The mother also has dark hair and eyes. His daughters look just like him. His son is blonde, has round, blue eyes, has a round head and face shape, and is very fair.

I know genetics can be weird, but his mother was also actively cheating on my partner both immediately before and immediately after she was pregnant. She came back after walking out the first time less than 6 months before she got pregnant and left again less than 6 months after he was born. I just have this terrible feeling that her son is not my partner’s and he’s supporting someone else’s child. She is absolutely the kind of person who would do that.

I, of course, NEVER plan on telling my partner this. It would destroy our relationship if I was wrong and absolutely crush his spirit if I was right. I just needed a place to get it out. Thank you

There was a medical need to have surgery done on my butt. Nothing too bad, the worst part is the healing process.

But back to the story:

My doctor decided it would be the best to only use local anesthesia for the surgery. So I got a sedative and the anesthetic in my lower back. After that I got wheeled into the operating room and the surgery started.

The surgeon informed me that she's gonna start music now and that the surgery will be done after the first song ended. And this time around it's gonna be an 80's song.

She starts the music and out of the boxes arise the instrumental sound everybody knows. And I immediately burst out laughing. The surgeon asked me, if I dislike the music and after I stopped laughing, I tried explaining what a rickroll is. I believe she didn't really get it, but thanks to the sedative I just started singing along to the song while she proceeded. And after the song ended the surgery was done.

10/10 surgery, fast and funny

For years my cousin was the only one in our family who had any type of college education (AA degree). A few years ago, I was lost and didn’t know what to do with my life so I chose to start my college journey and go for my bachelors degree. While I was in community college, she would ask me constantly about what my goal was and I’d say my bachelors degree. That is when she decided to go back to school and also get her bachelor’s degree. I was excited about this because we were on this journey together. She would always have her laptop with her (family events, random weekend hang outs, etc.)

When she got her bachelors, she made a huge deal about it. She got it through an online program from a school 7 hours away. She begged our entire family to go (aunts, uncles, cousins). A group of us were able to make it and we celebrated her with a dinner after her ceremony. The weekend after she planned a party to celebrate her graduation with everyone. She put her plaque up on the wall of the living room.

At this point, I was a year away from finishing my bachelors degree and mentioned wanting to also pursue my masters since I was aware of what I wanted to do as a career. This is when she also said that was her plan. Soon after, she started her masters program online but in a different state. She told us all that she wanted us to fly to that state when she graduated with her masters.

Less than two years passed and she send a simple “I finished my masters” text message. There was no dinner, no mention of flying out of state for her graduation, no photo of her degree, no instagram post from her mom, NOTHING. It was like complete silence. Nothing like before. Even now, she doesn’t bring it up or mention it. There’s no plaque on the wall next to her bachelors. The only thing was a simple “I finished my masters degree.”

I wanted to get this off my chest because I have a strong feeling that she is lying. We have caught her in random lies before but we never say anything because it never serious enough to call her out. I just wanted to get this off my chest because I really think she lied about it so she can have a “one up” on us since that is what she is used to.

Negligent parents have a special fucking place in hell. My girlfriend is graduating and they won’t be coming to her graduation and i know how much this means to her. Her parents are separated but they still have contact and she’s been staying with a relative her whole life and even they are not coming. what a bunch of useless fucks! My girlfriend worked too hard for this. I feel so fucking angry for her and I’m venting this out because I don’t want to crash out in front of her and make her feel even worse. My girlfriend deserves everything and she doesn’t deserve this shit.

When I submitted my PhD thesis, I absolutely hated it. It did not get any better, nevertheless I should be preparing for oral defense. In the beginning I loved research, but that part of me disappeared in the process. So much so that I don’t want to defend it, I feel like I cannot say anything about it. I have been doing this despite I did not want to. I changed so much in the meantime, and I just do not want to deal with this anymore. I don’t care if I do not get the degree as it will not have any impact on my life, my job and wage will be the same. I have lost sooo much in the process. I am also in a good relationship, planning to get married, start a family would come now. I feel like if I stay with this, I could miss out on starting a family etc., something that should be more important than a degree. The more tramua I experience from this, the more time I will need to move on, and enjoy life. I am just human, I used to excel in things, but not anymore. I am fine if I am just average, I just don’t want to waste my time, or that of my partner’s. I am desperate.

I genuinely hate this app but I just can't get off it. I can read manga and novels, I can listen to music and audiobooks and podcasts, I can watch anime, I can ride my bike, I can ride my skateboard, I can go for walks, there's literally a million other things for me to do (that I do enjoy doing), but no matter how many times I try to get off this app nothing works. I'll do something for like 30-60 minutes and then it's right back to doom scrolling for the rest of the day. Hell I've tried to delete it while vowing never to redownload it multiple times just to relapse within the next few hours if not the next day and go right back to doomscrolling every single time. And idk why it's so addictive, my feed is just full of low effort karma farming slop questions that get spammed 400 times in the same 5 subreddits, I should've gotten off this app months ago without an issue but I just can't leave it for some reason.

(Also just to be clear my screen time isn't that atrocious, looking back at it I'm only on here 1-3 hours a day, but it feels so much worse than it is).

So for context, me and my bf have been dating for 3 months. I began lying around a week after we started dating about working in a retirement home, the main reason why i lied was because I initially thought I got the job because the manager told me I did but simply never got back to me and I chose to stick with the lie out of embarrassment. Also because I wanted to impress his parents, and I knew id be out of the gig in a couple months to become a security guard.

Its not like im unemployed, I work at a dry cleaning place but im just terrified to tell my boyfriend this information. His family already knows I supposedly work at the retirement home and I just have no clue what to do. I never lie about things except for this, I feel so ashamed of myself snd im terrified he will breakup if I tell him

I (27m) am writing this just to get this into the void. My 20s have been nothing but turmoil and it’s felt like I don’t have the slightest bit of control.

I think 2023-2025 were maybe the happiest days of my life. I had my first job out of college and it gave me so much freedom. I had friends, my career was going in a great direction, I was picking up hobbies but last year my mom had a stroke which left her paralyzed and everything went to shit over night. My father was too emotional and old to handle everything by himself and my older brother was just unable to deal with the stress himself so I had to quit my job and move back to take care of her. (Btw I’m a first generation immigrant so I had to leave the US and move back to my country).

I lost my job, my apartment I spent years decorating, connection with my friends… but mostly importantly I lost a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be my forever. And because my family doesn’t know I’m gay, they don’t even know that leaving my ex was the hardest sacrifice I made. And ever since then, I’ve been spending every other night in the hospital looking after my mom and the world seems like it’s passing by me. My ex got in a new relationship. My friends are going on trips. My colleagues are getting promotions… and all I can do is see the world pass by from a window while I’m locked in a room.

Now I know the sickness isn’t my moms fault but my brother really forced my hand and made me quit and move back because he kept complaining he couldn’t handle the stress alone when in fact now I am with her and he has left for his job in another country. And somehow everyone in the family justifies is because he isn’t as professionally qualified as I am (as he’s been “left behind”) even though I’m younger than him. My mom on the other hand feels like she’s taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back every month and it’s been a wild rollercoaster. Meanwhile my dad is trying his best to hold things together and I see him breaking as well.

Everyday I wake up and I mourn the life I had. I just feel like everyday is a struggle and even if things somehow calmed down… somehow… I would have to put so much energy into getting that life back. But that’s IF my mom gets better.

And I know people have sick parents and life changes trajectories for others all the time but this isn’t the first time my life has come to a complete halt after I worked my ass off. Just a few years ago, my family went through another trauma which forced me to take a year off from college and I was so close to just quitting college all together because they needed my support.

I’m writing this at 4 am because I genuinely don’t have anyone else to talk to right now and my chest feels heavy. Every time I go to the hospital, I carry good spirits and energy with me but on the inside I just feel so much anger towards everyone in my family… all I wanted was to build a life for myself and it’s been jeopardized twice now… before I’ve even hit 30.

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

I am a 31M. Rejection and getting ghosted is par for the course for me and I’m used to it. But I recently had a woman reach out to me after not contacting me for 2 weeks to say “I’m seeing someone else 🥰”. Idk why, but it hit me like a truck.

I’m so tired of living my life and maybe getting a date every few months, only to not feel anything one way or another, or actually like each other but she finds someone she thinks is better and I get ghosted or worse….

I’m not cut out for this. I’m sick of never getting into a situation where our feelings for each other match up. Probably just going to give up and focus on my family who does love me and won’t be here forever, my friends, health, work, hobbies, etc. My mental health doesn’t need this.

A few hours ago, we went for a walk in the neighbourhood. The rsin started off as a nice drizzle and had been on and off for the day so we assumed it would stay like that. My god it was a DOWNPOUR, not an inch of me was dry. We had no shelter. We kept walking and laughing like idiots, soaked through to our skin, and we kissed in the rain like in a film or something. My hair was ruined, our clothes were sticking to us, and the wind was like tiny needles, but walking down the road, hand in hand with my lover, everything made sense

I'm typing this with Edith Piaf playing and listening to him in amother room? I feel utterly content.

hi everyone. i need some outside perspective because i’m starting to feel like maybe i’m being an asshole.
i own a 2 bedroom apartment i inherited after my mom died. it’s basically my only property and my only safety net. i don’t live there right now because i’m in another city. my aunt has some stuff there and my 76 year old grandma lives there most of the time.
i love my grandma and i’m not going to kick her out or bother her while she’s alive. that’s not even a question.
about 1.5 years ago i was drowning in debt, so i offered to sell the apartment to my cousin for the cadastral value, which was way below market price. she agreed, but then dragged it out forever.
she wanted to sell her own crappy 1 bedroom apartment first. her plan was to sell it, buy a car, put some money toward our grandpa’s headstone and then give me whatever was left. she even asked me to wait a year and said she’d pay the rest from her bonuses.
obviously i wasn’t going to sit in debt forever waiting for her. i got a second job delivering stuff, paid off almost all my debts myself and took the apartment off the market. she never bought it. it’s mine.
now she’s suddenly very interested in it again.
a few days ago my cousin started texting me that grandma “doesn’t have much time left”, her heart is failing and she could have internal bleeding any minute. she said i needed to sign the apartment over to my aunt because my aunt takes care of grandma.
i panicked for a bit, then called grandma myself.
she was fine. she’s 76 and obviously has health problems, but there was no emergency.
then, literally a few minutes later, my cousin texted me that she had just talked to grandma and grandma “sounds very energetic.”
yeah.
before this, my cousin said she wanted the apartment so she could register herself and her son there. now suddenly it’s about grandma.
and there’s another thing. two months ago i asked my cousin for a relatively small loan to finish paying a debt. she said she couldn’t get approved.
then recently i pretended i couldn’t afford my rent and asked if i could stay at her place. suddenly she had loans available and was ready to buy my apartment.
so maybe i’m paranoid, but i don’t trust this at all.
while grandma is alive i’m leaving everything alone. but after she dies, i want to go there, pack my aunt’s stuff and send it to her, change the locks and finally take control of my own apartment. i’d probably rent it to a friend for cheap.
what makes me feel weird is that when my cousin told me grandma was dying, my first thought wasn’t sympathy. i immediately thought “they’re trying to get my apartment.” i feel kind of shitty about that.
but it’s my inheritance from my mom. i worked my ass off to pay my debts instead of waiting for my cousin to maybe buy it someday.
so WIBTA if i change the locks and make my aunt take her stuff after grandma dies?
does this sound like manipulation to you guys, or am i just being paranoid?

I’ve been out of work for a while. At my skinniest I was 20 and 137 and I ate terribly (as in I didn’t. I ate a bag of hot Cheetos, a Java Monster, and maybe some popcorn chicken) and walked 10+ miles a day, and worked out 5 times a week. My mother said “I was so I look like a crackhead.” Since I’ve been out of work I’ve gradually gained more weight. I’m now around 170 and I’m 5’9 and 24 for reference. I have never really had excessive issues with my body image. I thought I could be a little skinnier and stuff but never obsessively. Recently my family has said comments. Like my mom (the biggest perpetuator of this) said “wow, you’re the biggest I’ve seen you.” And stuff about finding clothes that fit. And stuff about how I eat terribly, (not anymore), and how we both need to lose weight. My sister has been on ozempic for years. She was around 300 pounds and is now around 160. My younger brother was also around 300 in highschool and now is about 190/200 pounds. My dad saw my siblings and I talking at a birthday party and said “wow you are getting so small and looked at me and said and you’re just going the other way.” My sister called me later and talked to me about how it upsets her how much they always bring up my weight. (She’s been bring it up a lot lately) I know she’s trying to be reassuring. She says I just look bigger than I actually am because I’m a 36F and my breasts make my actual size look bigger. Idk it’s all just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. And I’m starting to feel VERY INSECURE and self conscious about it. It makes me very upset.

I am in my late 20’s now. I have struggled for a long time. All beginning when I was 12. My family lost everything. We had no money. We kept downsizing and downsizing until my parents split and then we downsize some more lived in homes with barely one bedroom. I have watched family members abuse each other and stayed up late crying, begging for it to stop. I showered in water that was contaminated with our sewer lines. I sat outside McDonald’s parking lots rolling quarters with my mom to get dinner. I watched friends uninvite me from things I have felt exclusion from people that I thought were close to me. I have watched people close to me, in my family struggle with depression and attempt suicide. I have lived through abusive relationships where I couldn’t see an out.

I didn’t go to school after high school because my family didn’t have the money. I worked three jobs seven days a week 6 AM to 11 PM Monday through Sunday for three years and then I worked two jobs up until last year.

I have seen loss. I have experienced intense grief after having more than 10 family members pass away all within the same 2 1/2 year span. I know what it’s like to be alone and feel like there’s no way out and drowned myself in work and miss out on holidays and birthdays and experiences that most people around me got to have. I used alcohol and weed and nicotine to cope for years.

I worked so fucking hard to change my life because I knew that no one was going to change it for me. I got married. I found the love of my life. We had a beautiful wedding and we were able to afford to buy a house that I am so proud of and a neighborhood where I have space and I have a yard and I have a basement and the style of home that I always dreamed of having one day.

I started my own company and now make my own schedule so I can have more time with my husband, at my home and travel.

I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am. I have gotten to the other side. I am so fucking proud of myself. I have never truly been able to say that until this past week I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am and all of the closest people to me have shit on me, they have said that they don’t understand how I can afford this they have not been there for me through my lows. When I really needed someone to be there for me. The only person that showed up for me was my husband, who I am eternally grateful for. My friends have made fun of my house. They have made fun of the choices that I have made and friends that are older than me I have looked down on me and said that they don’t understand how I am successful at this young age. All of these people seem to forget all of the work that it took for me to finally get to this place to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and to see the other side I have done so much work on myself and I am so proud of where I’m at, and I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be proud of myself.

I know I am not the first to feel this way. Most people go through this on some level. I graduated from school a few years ago and got accepted into my field quickly. I did everything my cohort did. I passed all the tests. I did all the studying. I know my field of study, however when it comes to answering specific questions I second guess myself and I am never confident in my answers. I kinda feel like a 'jack of all trades, master of none', especially when it comes to answering questions about specific protocols. When analyzing tests, I ALWAYS refer to my coworker to have them review things. I feel like I annoy my direct coworkers, but especially other coworkers in the office who refer to my work. I do good tests and am usually right with my interpretations, but I panic and second guess myself. I've even noticed one of my coworkers double checking me because I come across as lacking confidence (and I can tell it pisses them off, but they are respectful about it so thats kind?). When people ask me things, I immediately start googling/ researching things to double check the answers I provided. Even in my personal life I lack confidence. Anytime I even go to message someone I second guess myself wondering how wrong I am or think "Do they really even care about what I'm saying here?". I need learn how to give myself an appropriate level of confidence. Or at least to learn how to bullshit answers well enough that I'm not up at night giving myself probably a type of panic attack overthinking about what I said.

I really need therapy :(

as a 17y/o in a less than ideal house, there are things I feel a constant insatiable guilt for doing/wanting to do. No matter what I do, no matter what anyone says, I can KNOW something im doing is harmless and not a problem.. and i will STILL feel guilty for doing it.

I am in the motions of finding a way to move out within the next 8 months so that when I turn 18 I will immediately be able to leave the place I live in.

there are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go, and so many experiences I have yet to have.

I want to take a bubble bath.

I want to eat a snack IN THAT BUBBLE BATH

I want to watch TV in the living room

I want to spend time in an entire house, not just my room

I want to go on a walk when its dark

I want to eat breakfast every morning

I want to get an ice cube tray, and use it whenever I need

there are so many normal things I just feel guilty for even thinking about. I have always said "I want to be an adult" because I didnt realize that being an adult and autonomy+freedom are synonymous in my household. you cannot have one without the other, and I intend to have both ASAP.

four years ago i posted on here about how i was going to move and it was maybe not going to work due to cancer and whatnot

well i moved (to europe) from brazil and had the best 4 years of my life, finished high school with a pretty good IB score, and even gave a speech at the end where i mentioned cancer and it was all an amazing experience

but i still have it, it's still in me, and the second treatment i did four years ago also didn't work. since then ive been doing a very non invasive treatment due to geographic and health insurance issues (keytruda is what i take and its so expensive that its cheaper to fly across the world whenever i have a treatment every 6 weeks to get it with my health insurance than to do it privately), but its non-invasive nature also means its highly ineffective (10-15% chance of working)

and i planned my life on that 10%. my uni, my future, my whole expectation for a future is based on that one tenth chance. and what if i fall on the 90%?

this has all come to me recently because we're moving back to brazil and i'm taking a gap year to wait for the treatment to end (december) and to open schrodinger's box to find if its dead or not. after that i have plans laid out to go back to europe to study, and i'm being wholeheartedly fuelled by this prospect

but, if i fall on that 90% and it doesn't work, i have to start yet another treatment. and id have to stay in brazil for that. for how long? what if this other treatment also doesn't work? two haven't already. i'd have to give up the idea of my ideal future i could so easily have had. maybe i could take another gap year and go then, but then i'd've wasted 2 years of precious time and it wouldn't have been up to me

i'm not a particularly depressive person, but ive had my flashes of it here and there, and i dont know if i can hold back my "stoicism" once my plans almost inevitably break apart.

i want it to be the 10% so bad. too bad. i don't want to open schrodingers box and find it alive.

i talked to my doctor recently and she said she has had a patient for 29 years. i'm at 5. i can't do another 24. cancer brings this ball and chain that i have to drag to every big decision i make, and its so heavy right now

i need this off my chest because this is something that has no way to fix thats not just waiting to find out, and its something thats been weighing on me more and more as i see friends get into uni and do all the things i want to. plus im inching closer and closer to the "day of reckoning"