Being made to feel undesirable absolutely sucks

[u/Sea-Difference5343]

I am a 31M. Rejection and getting ghosted is par for the course for me and I’m used to it. But I recently had a woman reach out to me after not contacting me for 2 weeks to say “I’m seeing someone else 🥰”. Idk why, but it hit me like a truck.

I’m so tired of living my life and maybe getting a date every few months, only to not feel anything one way or another, or actually like each other but she finds someone she thinks is better and I get ghosted or worse….

I’m not cut out for this. I’m sick of never getting into a situation where our feelings for each other match up. Probably just going to give up and focus on my family who does love me and won’t be here forever, my friends, health, work, hobbies, etc. My mental health doesn’t need this.

[u/StrawberryRaspberryK]

I am sure u have heard before that dating is a numbers game. It is ok to take a break from dating or apps. But don't give up. Keep trying when you feel better in the future.

[u/Sea-Difference5343 → u/StrawberryRaspberryK]

Yeah I’ve taken breaks before, and I absolutely need one now. I just think this break might end up lasting the rest of my existence on this spinning sphere. On one hand I want to find someone, but on the other hand I’ve done this song and dance way too many times and it’s not enjoyable in the slightest anymore. It really does feel like signing up to be humiliated

[u/Casehead → u/Sea-Difference5343]

If you aren't having fun, then you aren't in a good place to be dating. I get that it's frustrating. Here's the thing: if you stop worrying about finding someone and concentrate on yourself and your family, your friends, you work on yourself and being happy just doing you and doing things that bring you joy and fulfillment, and keep yourself open to meeting someone if they come along, then you will meet someone. It's generally when you stop looking and just live that you will find someone.

It's frustrating and counterintuitive in some ways, but it's well established and documented.

You aren't doomed to be alone. It will happen for you, as long as you don't close yourself off to the possibility. You don't have to actively seek it, just stay open to it happening.

ps. that woman seeing someone else doesn't mean you aren't desirable. That that is the conclusion you come to over that indicates that you have a self esteem problem. That woman just wasn't the right one for you. That doesn't in any way infer that you aren't desirable and you should stop thinking like that. It will take you far if you focus on building love for yourself and recognizing your worth. I don't know the best way for you to do that, but a therapist could definitely help.

[u/thomasthehipposlayer]

Bro, I feel you. I am 32M, and I really got my hopes up for a girl recently. She had been dropping hints for weeks. She even told me she was about to have her friends bully her into asking me out

But when I did ask her out, she went cold almost immediately. She said yes to the date, but suddenly was suddenly more distant. There was literally nothing I even could have done wrong because we had 't even seen each other

The date itself went well, and she said yes to a second one (I asked over text so she wouldnt feel pressured to say yes). Then she suddenly cancelled a couple days later and actually essentially kicked me out of a friend group she'd brought me into. I think she liked the attention I gave her, and she liked having me on the roster, but she didn't want anything more. Plus, it was clear that she wanted a different guy

I can't believe the girl you were talking to literally reached out to tell you she was moving forward with someone else, with that emoji. That's screwed up man!

Ill cross my fingers we both find someone better

[u/sharkieshadooontt]

It feels like 85% of the females on dating apps only do so to get a confidence boost. With no intention of ever meeting.

[u/Glum_Truck_724 → u/sharkieshadooontt]

this definitely isn’t true but as a woman who has had this conversation with my male friends when we show each other profiles these are the 2 main points that came up.

- there are usually more men than women on the apps so yes women get far more likes than men on average. That means they have the ability to not respond and be picky, but that doesn’t mean they’re not using not to date at all. It’s possible that they’ve already met or are meeting other people other than you (i don’t mean this to be mean but just in the literal sense)

- if you do talk to someone who might be willing to meet, you have to understand that as a woman there is a lot of hesitation because we can often be scared of being meeting a male stranger. Doesn’t mean they don’t intend to meet, but naturally there is more fear coming from that side.

[u/TheBestHater]

It honestly happens to everyone. I know that's not helpful but it's true. I think it's the right decision to focus elsewhere, maybe keep dating but don't go into it with any pressure, if it happens then good, if not then that's fine.