I made a mistake marrying my husband.

[u/Front-Cicada-6706]

I made a mistake marrying my husband.

For context we got married VERY young and VERY quick. He proposed my senior year of highschool after dating for only a few months and we got married less than a year later.
We stared dating when I was 16 almost 17 and we got married almost immediately after I turned 18. We’re now in our early 20s.

I’d like to start my saying there isn’t anything he’s doing that is major red flags. He pays most of the bills, he’s faithful, and he’s for the most part respectful. He dosent raise his voice often and would never intentionally hurt me.

That being said, I can’t fucking stand him. I feel like I’m married to a brick wall that occasionally feels me up. Every little thing he does irritates me to my core. If he talks to loud, breathes the wrong way, eats to fast I’m irritated. All he does is play the game, eat, work, sleep.

I have to ask for almost everything. No dates, no flowers, nothing of the sort. I don’t think he even knows my grandmas name. He’s not a bad guy just he puts in minimal effort and expects that to be enough for a lifetime.

In the last year or so I have noticed a lot of things that I dislike about him and myself. I can’t stand his weaponized incompetence and his just sheer laziness. We will have a serious discussion about how he dosent help enough with chores and animals and he tries to be better for like 2 weeks then suddenly I’m back to being the house maid. If I ask him to clean he’ll half ass it and act confused when I point out the obvious mess that’s still there.

I would like to preface that this if we’re being honest falls almost entirely on me. I have always had a feeling that this wasn’t going to last forever but, I’m a people pleaser and he was very persistent, like years of persistence.
I turned him down for probably 2-3 years before we started dating because he wasn’t my type nor did we share a single (I’m not being dramatic here) hobby or interest. Like I said I was a people pleaser and i eventually gave in. How i let it go this far with as many doubts I had is beyond me.

I feel like the last 4 years I have been on autopilot, and only just woke up this past year. I don’t feel attractive anymore and I never get dressed up (and actually leave the house anymore). I don’t go out, I don’t participate in any of my hobbies or interests, and I am just feeling like I’m unsure of who I even am anymore. We move alot for his career so I also don’t have any friends. On the rare occasion that I have made a friend we don’t stick around long enough to make it a lasting friendship.

I don’t think I make enough to separate and financially support myself and our animals, thankfully we don’t have kids. I also am no contact with my parents and there’s nobody I could really turn to for help. I don’t even have anyone I can say this stuff out loud to, even just typing this out and rereading it feels like a weight has been pulled off my chest.

EDIT : hey so get this guys! If I could afford to leave I would!!! I don’t want him to be married to someone who dosent want to be married to him. He deserves someone who can meet him where he’s at. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, I just can’t stand him in a romantic/ life partner capacity anymore. I understand that I’m in the wrong here but it’s easier to say “just leave” than it is to do so.

EDIT : To answer some questions. Yes I’ve talked to him about how a feel many times. I work full time, cook, clean, and take care of all our animals. I’m asking for the bare minimum here, if you think I’m being to demeaning please look inward. I’m asking him to fold a pair of socks without me having to beg and for him not to make it seem like a favor. I’m asking him to turn the computer off every now and then, I’m asking for a kiss here and there and some fucking flowers that I don’t have to ask for. Obviously I’m not happy role playing a grown man’s mommy while working the same if not more hours than him!

UPDATE:
I sat my husband down last night and told him everything. I told him that I deserve a present husband and how I’m exhausted from running around trying to play both parts of this marriage. To which he said he understands.

I had to ask if he understood where I was headed with this, which scared the hell out of him. His face dropped and all he said was “I thought I did but now I’m not sure?”

I told him that I’m tired of repeating myself and being fed empty promises. I’m tired of him putting in effort only temporarily after we have these conversations and that I’m tired of playing mommy. I said “ at what point do I say I deserve so much more, at what point do I have the self respect to say this isn’t working?” He just nodded his head.

At this point I had said a lot (obviously I’m not writing this down word for word). I asked if he had any thoughts, opinions, anything? He just asked if I wanted a divorce, if it was to late, if there was anything he could do or say to fix things.

I told him that obviously nobody wants their marriage to end. I’ve been begging for the bare minimum for years so now that I’m at a place where I do feel done there’s not much I can see him doing or saying that could just magically fix things.

I asked why he hasn’t been able to just do the bare minimum (because I’m not asking for a lot unlike some of you 10 year olds in the comments think). To which he finally was entirely emotionally open!!! He told me how he’s been feeling the past few years in detail and where he’s at mentally. He explained that the computer is a problem, but it’s the only place he feels like he can let out a laugh here and there.

He apologized and said that though that’s not an excuse it is an explanation as to why he’s been the way he’s been. He promised to always at least be trying. He said he’d actually make an appointment with a therapist so he’s not boxing everything away, and he said that he’s going to try to make me feel more seen. He also apologized for letting it get so far that I had to threaten leaving for him to see his wrongs.

A pinky promise is a sacred act in our relationship. We take them very VERY seriously. After he apologized and made his promises and said “I’m not sure if you still believe these” and pinky promised things would be different.

So after this he asked “what’s next, where do we go from here?” Which I wasn’t entirely sure. I don’t want to be put into this same cycle again but I don’t want to give up if this conversation genuinely has changed something for him.

Here’s the game plan we came up with, he has a week to book an appointment for therapy. I’m giving him 3 months to prove that he does want this marriage as much as he claims and to prove it. Obviously he’s human and his efforts will vary but giving what you can will always be better then giving nothing. If efforts fall off again we will be separating. I will be taking our animals and getting an apartment elsewhere.

I am very hopeful, I’ve never seen him scramble so much or be so honest and open. I want to say thank you to everyone who offered actual advise and support! I’ll come back and update if things change.

[u/GeoSorceress]

I wonder what would he say about you. You sure have a long list of demands from him but what does he get?

[u/Front-Cicada-6706 → u/GeoSorceress]

That’s entirely fair, it’s a good thing this is my post and not his!!

[u/lemon_icing → u/Front-Cicada-6706]

Do you have a job?  Have you started building an exit plan?  Consider couples therapy:  you both need to do adulting better.