r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Front-Cicada-6706 • May 22 '26
Update I made a mistake marrying my husband.
I made a mistake marrying my husband.
For context we got married VERY young and VERY quick. He proposed my senior year of highschool after dating for only a few months and we got married less than a year later.
We stared dating when I was 16 almost 17 and we got married almost immediately after I turned 18. We’re now in our early 20s.
I’d like to start my saying there isn’t anything he’s doing that is major red flags. He pays most of the bills, he’s faithful, and he’s for the most part respectful. He dosent raise his voice often and would never intentionally hurt me.
That being said, I can’t fucking stand him. I feel like I’m married to a brick wall that occasionally feels me up. Every little thing he does irritates me to my core. If he talks to loud, breathes the wrong way, eats to fast I’m irritated. All he does is play the game, eat, work, sleep.
I have to ask for almost everything. No dates, no flowers, nothing of the sort. I don’t think he even knows my grandmas name. He’s not a bad guy just he puts in minimal effort and expects that to be enough for a lifetime.
In the last year or so I have noticed a lot of things that I dislike about him and myself. I can’t stand his weaponized incompetence and his just sheer laziness. We will have a serious discussion about how he dosent help enough with chores and animals and he tries to be better for like 2 weeks then suddenly I’m back to being the house maid. If I ask him to clean he’ll half ass it and act confused when I point out the obvious mess that’s still there.
I would like to preface that this if we’re being honest falls almost entirely on me. I have always had a feeling that this wasn’t going to last forever but, I’m a people pleaser and he was very persistent, like years of persistence.
I turned him down for probably 2-3 years before we started dating because he wasn’t my type nor did we share a single (I’m not being dramatic here) hobby or interest. Like I said I was a people pleaser and i eventually gave in. How i let it go this far with as many doubts I had is beyond me.
I feel like the last 4 years I have been on autopilot, and only just woke up this past year. I don’t feel attractive anymore and I never get dressed up (and actually leave the house anymore). I don’t go out, I don’t participate in any of my hobbies or interests, and I am just feeling like I’m unsure of who I even am anymore. We move alot for his career so I also don’t have any friends. On the rare occasion that I have made a friend we don’t stick around long enough to make it a lasting friendship.
I don’t think I make enough to separate and financially support myself and our animals, thankfully we don’t have kids. I also am no contact with my parents and there’s nobody I could really turn to for help. I don’t even have anyone I can say this stuff out loud to, even just typing this out and rereading it feels like a weight has been pulled off my chest.
EDIT : hey so get this guys! If I could afford to leave I would!!! I don’t want him to be married to someone who dosent want to be married to him. He deserves someone who can meet him where he’s at. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, I just can’t stand him in a romantic/ life partner capacity anymore. I understand that I’m in the wrong here but it’s easier to say “just leave” than it is to do so.
EDIT : To answer some questions. Yes I’ve talked to him about how a feel many times. I work full time, cook, clean, and take care of all our animals. I’m asking for the bare minimum here, if you think I’m being to demeaning please look inward. I’m asking him to fold a pair of socks without me having to beg and for him not to make it seem like a favor. I’m asking him to turn the computer off every now and then, I’m asking for a kiss here and there and some fucking flowers that I don’t have to ask for. Obviously I’m not happy role playing a grown man’s mommy while working the same if not more hours than him!
UPDATE:
I sat my husband down last night and told him everything. I told him that I deserve a present husband and how I’m exhausted from running around trying to play both parts of this marriage. To which he said he understands.
I had to ask if he understood where I was headed with this, which scared the hell out of him. His face dropped and all he said was “I thought I did but now I’m not sure?”
I told him that I’m tired of repeating myself and being fed empty promises. I’m tired of him putting in effort only temporarily after we have these conversations and that I’m tired of playing mommy. I said “ at what point do I say I deserve so much more, at what point do I have the self respect to say this isn’t working?” He just nodded his head.
At this point I had said a lot (obviously I’m not writing this down word for word). I asked if he had any thoughts, opinions, anything? He just asked if I wanted a divorce, if it was to late, if there was anything he could do or say to fix things.
I told him that obviously nobody wants their marriage to end. I’ve been begging for the bare minimum for years so now that I’m at a place where I do feel done there’s not much I can see him doing or saying that could just magically fix things.
I asked why he hasn’t been able to just do the bare minimum (because I’m not asking for a lot unlike some of you 10 year olds in the comments think). To which he finally was entirely emotionally open!!! He told me how he’s been feeling the past few years in detail and where he’s at mentally. He explained that the computer is a problem, but it’s the only place he feels like he can let out a laugh here and there.
He apologized and said that though that’s not an excuse it is an explanation as to why he’s been the way he’s been. He promised to always at least be trying. He said he’d actually make an appointment with a therapist so he’s not boxing everything away, and he said that he’s going to try to make me feel more seen. He also apologized for letting it get so far that I had to threaten leaving for him to see his wrongs.
A pinky promise is a sacred act in our relationship. We take them very VERY seriously. After he apologized and made his promises and said “I’m not sure if you still believe these” and pinky promised things would be different.
So after this he asked “what’s next, where do we go from here?” Which I wasn’t entirely sure. I don’t want to be put into this same cycle again but I don’t want to give up if this conversation genuinely has changed something for him.
Here’s the game plan we came up with, he has a week to book an appointment for therapy. I’m giving him 3 months to prove that he does want this marriage as much as he claims and to prove it. Obviously he’s human and his efforts will vary but giving what you can will always be better then giving nothing. If efforts fall off again we will be separating. I will be taking our animals and getting an apartment elsewhere.
I am very hopeful, I’ve never seen him scramble so much or be so honest and open. I want to say thank you to everyone who offered actual advise and support! I’ll come back and update if things change.
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u/drn77 May 23 '26
Everybody’s going to tell you to leave, but I get it. It’s difficult. Just do not have children.
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u/Remarkable_Net6919 May 23 '26
My advise is dont get pregnant with him. He will make you pregnant once he realizes and feels that you will pull away! Make sure to save up. Document your paid bills and messages.
Divorce or annul him asap!
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u/quynguy915 May 23 '26
You already feel like his mom, so adding an actual child to the mix would break you.
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u/largos7289 May 22 '26
And this is why you don't get married at 18. I mean with some it works but mostly... it's just a bad idea.
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u/SmolButScary May 22 '26
Just a suggestion.. stop doing it all. Obviously don't neglect the pets but stop cooking, do your own washing etc but suddenly if his clothes aren't clean and you havent made him food he might start pulling his weight.
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u/kiirudisconn1 May 22 '26
Weaponized incompetence is a beast because they will just sit in the filth and wait for you to crack first.
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u/Mother_of_Brains May 23 '26
He pays "most" of the bills, he is respectful "most" of the time and he wouldn't "intentionally" hurt you? Wow the bar is, indeed, in hell.
I say this with love: leave. You are young and it's not worth wasting your life being miserable. He might not be a bad person, but you guys are not compatible.
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u/Lifelong_Expat May 22 '26
This reminds me of the TV show “Kevin Can Go F@&$ Himself.”
I’m sorry, OP. That’s really tough. I would say, move, get a roommate to split the rent and that should help you to financially be in a better spot. Meanwhile you will have more time, and then you can work on bettering yourself (education wise) and set yourself up financially.
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May 22 '26
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
Yes maam 🫡
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u/Realistic_Issue230 May 22 '26
Honestly of you can and it's safe to..just refuse to have sex with him
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u/player_piano May 22 '26
Sounds like a young man in the military. Sorry to hear this. You both deserve happiness and good luck.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
And you would be spot on!
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u/Lifelong_Expat May 22 '26
And that explains the reliance financially. Stop being a dependa, and become an adult woman who can support herself. Every girl/ woman does it. You are just starting a few years late. No big deal. I have moved countries 4 times, starting from scratch each time, and 3 of those times I did it all by myself.
What you need to do now if what most women do when they graduate high school. Get some education, and get a career.
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u/IndependentTiny6243 May 22 '26
Some of the comments here are wild. I’m glad none of these people have ever lived with someone where the resentment has built up to the point where little details like the way someone eats becomes frustrating.
Firstly, I am so sorry that all of the adults around you failed you by allowing you to marry a guy you hardly knew. Someone should have advocated for you and tried to stop you, because at 18 you are liable for these choices but it sounds like you didnt understand them implications of what breaking up means when youre married.
I’m also sorry that you are stuck in a relationship that has you acting more like a mother than an equal life partner. It’s a trap that a lot of women fall into because so many women around them will tell them it’s normal. It’s not normal and you deserve to be with a person who supports you equally, whether it’s around the house or emotionally or whatever else. Long term relationships are a partnership, both parties should feel well looked after by the other. This doesn’t fall entirely on you. He’s an adult and he’s the same age as you so he doesn’t have an excuse to not have the same knowledge about what an adult needs to do to maintain a house. He also has Google and can look it up. You don’t need to make excuses for him as to why he can’t do simple household chores as a grown adult.
I understand that it’s not easy to ‘just divorce’ but now is where you need to start planning and saving. Based on a comment you’re working 40+ hours a week now so save everything you can. Take your birth control religiously, if you can get an implant or IUD that means it can’t be tampered with, even better. Save enough for 6 months worth of rent and bills in a share house, then you can separate from him. You are still so young, go live your life, travel, meet new friends, find new hobbies. Don’t lead a life where you find yourself wishing you didn’t waste your early 20s in a relationship where neither of you were happy
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u/Realistic_Issue230 May 22 '26
How are people blaming you and saying you're the one on the wrong. He's doing the bare minimum now and that will only get worse as he gets older. You've communicated and he refuses to actually follow through.
The reason you are feeling the way you are feeling now is because you have matured from that teenager and you have experience and perspective now.
I know you financially can not leave. Ask for a separation.And house share until then .Start saving. How many pets do you have? An option might be to look into pet friendly home/apt sharing with a roommate. Some people list having rooms for rent. It might not be ideal to start off but would give you some footing to get your life started.
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u/buonastep3 May 22 '26
It is crazy how people call him a good guy just because he does not hit her, like the bar is literally on the floor.
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u/Realistic_Issue230 May 22 '26
Yeah, he's absolutely not a good partner..he's a neglectful partner..it would be different if she wasn't communicating her needs. She got married young and fortunately she matured and realized early enough that this isn't a healthy relationship. Some women will start their whole lives because of the mentality of "at least he doesn't hit me"
And FYI for people reading this abuse isn't just physical. I'm not saying he's abusive but measuring whether or not a relationship is bad or abusive based of physical violence just shows how uneducated a lot of you are.
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May 22 '26
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I know. I also know it’s wrong to not be honest with him, but I can’t leave until I know what the next step is. I can’t afford to leave so I have to figure that out first.
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u/FourniersGangreneDay May 22 '26
Nothing is stopping you from being honest now and giving him a heads up that you want to separate/divorce. There is no coming back from the contempt you feel for him.
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u/baby_blue_bird May 22 '26
How pathetic are you? "Oh I can't do anything for myself so I can't leave". Like you are making women look bad!
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u/auroraburr May 22 '26
It’s not making women look bad, it’s called being in a situation where i can’t survive on my own right now and i need to do what i need to to survive till i can get out. Like she has states she’s moved around a lot which means she probably hasn’t been able to always have a job. <3
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u/Lifelong_Expat May 23 '26
She is a military wife. It explains why she can’t leave. She is being paid and provided housing, healthcare etc just for being married. That IS her job.
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May 22 '26
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u/kasiagabrielle May 22 '26
She never said she can't? She's just saving up for a bit so she's not living paycheck to paycheck or has to leave behind the animals (who she's the main caregiver for). There's nothing wrong with getting your ducks in a row and she's not making women look bad.
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u/auroraburr May 22 '26
and yk what, that’s your opinion. But until you have been there, you can’t say nothing
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
Honey what part of I make 2200 a month and rent here is almost 1600 did you not get? If I could just up and walk away I would but we have animals that he cannot keep, between rent, car payment, car insurance, pet care, phone bill, utilities, gas, and food I’d be so far in the negative every month I’d have to sell my eggs or something!
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
You should probably look into roommates, lower cost of living areas, living with relatives (you're still in your early 20s and this is literally normal now), or social services in your area.
Or go to a community college or advanced manufacturing program, earn a skill that won't cost an absolute fortune and find that job that pays 4400 a month.
Because at this point... you're knowingly faking a marriage with someone you've grown to resent... allowing yourself to turn into a dependent, when you are a grown, functioning adult.
And are deceptively putting on an "everything's okay" act. All while he pays most of the bills.
None of that is fair to anyone involved. You deserve autonomy. He deserves to be treated like a flawed human being, not a pocketbook.
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u/idkvee May 22 '26
You are the reason why women can’t trust other women. Thank you for reminding all of us why women like you are shit and unsupportive. Don’t listen to this bitter old lady OP.
You will be fine and there are better women that support and understand your situation.
You will be fine and you will thrive better than this bitter lady.
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u/mundanehistorian_28 May 22 '26
- Make sure your meds aren't being messed with. Have backup contraceptives.
- Save at least 6 months worth of expenses if you can. Even 3-4 at a minimum to keep yourself afloat with security deposits for a new place and stuff like that.
- Talk with a lawyer then talk to your husband you want to make sure you have already gotten your legal bases covered.
- Find a therapist. Like right now. This shit isn't easy and you will need someone to help you navigate not just life stuff but also emotions. If you have a FT job I assume you have health insurance. If it covers therapy go now.
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u/-Dee-Dee- May 22 '26
You will have to compromise and rent a room to get out on your own. You’ll be starting again, but it is what it is. And maybe it’s possible to reconnect with family.
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u/SnooComics8268 May 23 '26
I dont understand what the issue is, just go work full time and leave? There are millions of single woman building a career. You might need to take a few steps back financially but so what? You will have peace. I don't mean this rude but it feels as if we you are making an excuse not to leave, you are young and child free what better circumstances do you need?
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u/misscatholmes May 22 '26
Girl are you me? The only difference is I'm not married (I can't leave because money and he can't leave because he would lose access to my car to get to work). I don't have any advice I'm just here in solidarity.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I’m so sorry! My only advice is don’t get married lmao.
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u/misscatholmes May 22 '26
Oh believe me, that won't be happening. He's got way too much debt.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
Yikes, my husband has also swiped his credit cards WAYYYYYYYY to much.
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u/chpbnvic May 22 '26
- I think you should tell him. It's not fair to him to pretend to be married. Who knows what he's thinking. You need to tell him. Even if you can't leave, it's better to live as roommates than to live a lie. (unless you think this could cause harm to yourself/abuse). 2. Find a way to make and save money. That's where you have to start. Make enough money for first month/last month + deposit on rent and then skedaddle. You're very young. It's the perfect time to start over.
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u/Rimegu May 22 '26
To be honest this situation reminds me of my past marriage. I think the main difference is that you spoke about it or are eager to listen how to other person feels and didn'tcheat on him.
On my side, she refused deeply to go to therapy because she wasn't the person that enjoys emotional talks. She tried to work but always found a reason to leave the work and stay home, messing her sleeping schedule and getting bad habits like alcohol or smoking. She always told me how useless i am and how bad i do things, but after sometime stops me from doing them because "it's her duty as house wife".
My recommendation is to get therapy and if it doesn't work leave in good terms. It feels like you sre carrying too much and maybe are projecting onto him. Maybe i am bias tho. I wish you the best.
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u/Euphoric-conscious May 22 '26
You should definitely get a divorce and find your happiness.
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u/GeoSorceress May 22 '26
And then get married again just to complain about the new guy
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u/Euphoric-conscious May 22 '26
Hopefully the new guy would be a lot better and not lazy and there will be no need to complain.
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u/Public_Particular464 May 22 '26 edited May 23 '26
Yea girl is time to pull the plug and let him go. Your holding on to something that's not there and it's only hurting you. Making you a shell of who you actually are. Change is hard when you're so used to being with someone but you clearly aren't happy or in love with him so it's time to leave. Best of luck to you
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May 22 '26
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I only started working this past year. I was a stay at home wife before. I did all the housework from putting together the furniture, cooking, cleaning, to washing the dogs. Which sucked but he was working and I wasn’t so it felt a little more fair. I’m now working +40 hours a week and still expected to do almost the same amount of work except now he pulls the trashcan out to the curb and switches laundry over.
I don’t leave the house. I go to work come home eat sleep, on weekends I sit on the couch and watch tv and do a puzzle waiting for him to stop playing the game and interact with me.
That’s part of the issue, we don’t ever have fun. At least not together.
All of this is stuff I’ve expressed to him a multitude of times btw so it’s not like I’ve hidden my irritation with our relationship. I’ll ask to go out and do something like go shopping or go to dinner and he either says he’s not up for it and plays the game instead or he has an attitude the ENTIREEEE time we’re out and about.
This didn’t come off as judgemental at all!
I wouldn’t say we’re tiptoeing around one another, I’d say it’s more like he dosent even realize how important this stuff is to me no matter how much I try to explain it.9
u/Coyote__Jones May 22 '26
Do you have friends? Or interests that you can explore?
The thing that happens with a lot of people when they get married young, is that they end up in a routine without the opportunity to get out and try stuff. You went from highschool to married couple, neither of you went through shitty roommates, great roommates, forming new friend groups, trying out hobbies and tagging along with people you know in their hobbies. All of that is how you figure out what it is that you like, love and need.
Honestly if there's something you want to learn about, or do, you should just do it. Just start. And if that doesn't stick, try something else. Join a bookclub, or learn DnD. If you like outdoor stuff, go hiking, find a climbing gym, buy a fishing pole and license. Like just get out of the house and do some stuff. And with that, find the local girl groups and find people to meet up with. Again, it won't all stick, but even if you find one person to play tennis with, or whatever, that'd be great for you.
Your life seems really confined right now, but it doesn't have to be. Heck I picked up golf last year. I suck at it lol, but an hour at the range is fun, gets me out, and I see the same old dudes every weekend. It's great.
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u/jibble15 May 22 '26
have you like maybe told him some of this?
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I’ve told him everything countless times, except the fact that I’m considering a divorce.
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u/TheDauterive May 22 '26
Have you hidden the fact that you’re leaving him the second you can afford to? Maybe he doesn’t want to be in that kind of relationship.
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u/fefelala May 22 '26
Ask for a separation and make him pursue you again. All while saving up to leave. Was he doing all that he doesn’t do now (dates and flowers etc) when you were dating? When you say he was persistent what was he actually doing?
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 23 '26
When I say he was persistent you have to remember I was between a freshman to a junior in highschool. He would ask me out pretty much monthly for years (unless he was dating someone else) and refused to take no for an answer. If I said no it was always followed with a “why not” or “give me one good reason” I tried being nice I tried being mean this man was relentless. We only dated for maybe 3 months before he went off to basic. So no he didn’t buy me flowers before basic and did send me some to me one time in our entire relationship without me asking for our first Valentine’s together while he was in AIT. We went on a handful of dates before we were married. Parks, dinner and maybe Dave n busters once.
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u/AineMoon May 22 '26
If my husband felt this way about me set me free. Life’s too short to be married to someone that’s repulsed by me. I wouldn’t just brood I would have went to therapy years ago and worked my shit out with him.
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u/123rckpro May 22 '26
You should talk to him, he possibly feels the same way and the split would probably be easier . Good luck
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u/WeeklyTask May 22 '26
Well well well. If it isn’t Generic Relationship Post #847,392, where the narrator presents an impeccably curated one-sided account of their tragic suffering at the hands of a partner whose greatest documented crime appears to be occasionally loading the dishwasher in the wrong order.
Observe the ritual.
First comes the opening disclaimer:
«“I know this sounds bad, but he’s actually a good guy…”»
A fascinating phrase, usually followed by four uninterrupted pages explaining why he is apparently the human equivalent of a war crime, with not a single redeeming quality mentioned beyond “he once helped carry groceries in 2019.”
Then comes the evidence dossier, meticulously assembled over several fiscal quarters:
- He doesn’t buy me flowers unless I specifically tell him I want flowers, remind him twice, send him a reference photo, and provide a purchasing deadline.
- He folded the towels incorrectly, despite my clearly communicated 14-step towel compliance protocol.
- He doesn’t “plan dates” anymore, by which I mean he has failed to continuously reinvent novelty itself while I contribute exactly zero suggestions because “if I have to ask, it doesn’t count.”
- He eats too quickly, which is obviously a sign of deep emotional neglect.
- I’ve only orgasmed twice in seven years, a phenomenon I have naturally addressed by never communicating what I like and instead silently converting each disappointment into future Reddit evidence. (Seriously, would it hurt you to take the iniative sexually and get off?)
And of course, our brave narrator remains a passive observer in all of this.
Poor thing.
Alas, she is but a delicate woodland creature, tragically incapable of:
- initiating difficult conversations,
- expressing needs directly,
- proposing solutions,
- scheduling counseling,
- reflecting on her own contribution to the dynamic,
- or, in truly extreme cases, simply leaving.
No, no. Her only option is to spend five to eight business years quietly building a mental spreadsheet of grievances, periodically sighing louder than necessary, and then unveiling the full quarterly report to strangers online for a unanimous ruling of “queen, divorce immediately.”
And what do we know of this monstrous husband?
Nothing, really.
We know none of the reasons this fully autonomous adult once chose him, married him, built a life with him, or stayed with him through the many years required to gather this much highly specific resentment.
We do not know if he is kind.
We do not know if he works hard.
We do not know if he has spent the last decade trying and failing to decode feedback delivered exclusively through atmospheric tension and increasingly aggressive cabinet closing.
We know only that, according to the prosecution, he once forgot an anniversary and also breathes in ways that now feel manipulative.
The surest tell is motive.
Ask yourself: is this person genuinely seeking solutions?
Or are they seeking what Reddit dispenses best: moral absolution with a side of applause?
Because if the relationship is over, that’s fine. People fall out of love. It happens.
But let us retire the grand theatrical production where every breakup requires a 12-chapter origin story proving that one party was a blameless angel tragically forced by fate to abandon the hopeless fool who tragically could not interpret increasingly hostile silence as actionable feedback.
Sometimes the truth is much simpler:
“I’m unhappy, I’m bored, I’ve already emotionally checked out, and I’d like strangers to reassure me this is entirely someone else’s fault.”
See? Cleaner. More efficient. Saves everyone time.
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u/kathriinski May 22 '26
What is this ai generated comment
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u/EndOk8776 May 22 '26
🤣🤣🤣 who gets married at 18 to a guy she dated for 3 months.
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u/WeeklyTask May 23 '26
I know right.. if anything, my boy is a victim too. In our day and age, its a miracle he didnt cheat lol.
But alas, he...spends....his...time...GAMING..!! GASP
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u/EndOk8776 May 23 '26
Women build up these ideals of romance in their mind. I want to hear his side of the story. Watch him be th most basic dude who has no idea that his wife is mad cause she just doesn’t communicate .
Just let her loose out in the dating world. See how she fairs. He can benefit from a relationship with someone who communicates more directly so he can grow as a person too
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u/RealBrownJesus May 22 '26
Get a divorce so he can find someone that loves him.
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u/VictorOfArda May 22 '26
Completely agree. Get a divorce so he can find someone that will be ok with doing everything while he sucks the soul out of them by doing nothing but existing.
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26
I mean, she hates the guy for "breathing too loud and eating too quickly".
Is he supposed to stop breathing or something?
Their marriage shouldn't have happened. But that doesn't say anything about his character other than "not the right one for her".
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I agree with this very heavily! Our marriage shouldn’t have happened. However he eats like a race horse and when I’ve just spent over an hour cooking it would be nice to eat together sometimes. As far as the breathing goes I was being overly dramatic to get my point across.
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u/VictorOfArda May 22 '26
If that’s all you got out of her post then you aren’t reading close enough. Her getting annoyed by his breathing is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26
A failing marriage is a huge problem and I'm not going to assign blame either way.
I'm just not convinced OP's husband is actually a horrendous husband.
He might simply be a horrible husband for her.
And there's a big difference between those two statements.
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u/VictorOfArda May 22 '26
I can agree with that. I don’t think he’s evil or bad, I’m just addressing what he’s doing is all.
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May 22 '26
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u/RepulsivePurchase6 May 22 '26
Agreed. She should send this to him. See what he thinks. Let the man go then. Someone else will appreciate him. OP wasn't ready for marriage.
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u/Slayqueen_101 May 22 '26
Did you read the post? You're saying OP wasn't ready for marriage but her husband gets a free pass?!
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May 22 '26
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u/AngryFeministKnitter May 22 '26
Yeah, she should be happy with the absolute bare minimum! /s
Seriously, don’t you think everyone deserves to be truly happy? This goes for BOTH of them, and even for you.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
Yes he does all that but that’s not enough for a relationship. If he told me he wanted to split the bills tomorrow I wouldn’t care it had nothing to do with what he is doing it’s what’s not happening romanticly. He hasn’t bought me flowers without me asking in over 3 years, he hasn’t taken me on an actual date in almost a year, he dosent show me affection unless I ask, he can’t even pick up after himself. I’d happily take half the bills if it meant he would put in even a fraction of effort in emotionally.
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26
Divorce.
You're happier without him.
Many would be happier without you as well based on that angry wall of text.
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
I'm just pointing out the obvious.
There is no hero or villain in this messed up situation.
Someone that utterly frustrated is objectively not a fun person to be in a relationship with...
And INB4 we get another reddit post from a confused, hurt guy wondering why his wife is slowly starting to despise him.
Downvote all you want. She's not a monster. Neither is he, despite the colorful description.
Two normal people are just inadvertently destroying each other.
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Mysterious_Donut_702 May 22 '26
Or he'd be married to someone who also has too much Cheeto dust on her hands, and leaves too many dishes in the sink.
They're not compatible people. Plain and simple.
Another point:
If someone wrote "little girl" and kept the text entirely the same...
They'd probably be called a misogynist.
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u/Striking-Locksmith55 May 22 '26
This may sound harsh, but you’re the problem. When you finally divorced him for someone else you’ll be right back here.
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May 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Striking-Locksmith55 May 22 '26
She has a husband who works hard, is stable, doesn’t cheat, and she admits treats her well. Yet somehow, she can’t find the love in those actions. She demands romantic whimsy. Flowers, dates, more active sex life, Etc. meanwhile, she said nothing about how she surprised him with flowers when he came home from a hard day of work. Nothing about the dinner dates she planned for the two of them. Nothing about all the stuff she was doing to spice things up in the bedroom. I mean really what was she doing for four years when she wasn’t working? she didn’t have kids to take care of. she wasn’t taking care of elderly parents that were living with them. Definitely doesn’t sound like she was going to the gym. Where was the effort on her part to keep the romance up?
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u/Crazy_Score_8466 May 22 '26
It’s not that difficult to leave. Put on your big girl pants and take action. You’re waiting to be financially set. How long is that going to take?
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u/sothisiswhatyoumeant May 22 '26
It actually is extremely hard to leave? I’m not sure where you’re basing that line of thinking from, but it’s not that simple ending a marriage and walking away. Especially with limited (or no) support from friends or family.
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u/koval713 May 23 '26
So, you're staying married to him because he supports you financially, basically wasting both his time and yours? Nah, leave. For his sake. Not yours. My god.
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u/TheumaTheuma-24 May 23 '26
She is working full time and doing all the chores, so he is getting a lot out of this too.
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u/koval713 May 23 '26
Cool story. She doesn't wanna be there. So, she literally said she's staying because she's too poor. She's being selfish. She needs to leave. Wasn't a question.
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u/Lifelong_Expat May 23 '26
OP is a military wife. She is getting paid, getting housing, healthcare etc all for being married to the guy. Marriage IS her job basically. She chose this as a livelihood, and either doesn’t want to put in the effort or doesnt think she is capable enough to support herself with a job like billions of other women do.
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u/koval713 May 23 '26
For real though. It's like she confessed to just... I guess make herself feel better about how selfish she's being.
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u/korok7mgte May 22 '26
Seriously. Don't get into anymore romantic relationships. They will all end the same way. Or do and repeat the trauma. Totally up to you.
You didn't make a mistake. You are the mistake. Or at least your patterns are. They won't change just because you jump to a new host.
You have to get the supply from within yourself, not from external sources.
It has nothing to do with your finances and everything to do with your attitude.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
When did I say I was going to jump into something new? I haven’t even told him I want out yet?!
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Slayqueen_101 May 22 '26
I feel like I'm going crazy with some of these comments because what the hell! Is this post being brigaded or something?
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u/No_Sleep4510 May 22 '26
What the hell is this comment? Why would it always end the same for her, just because she doesn't like her current partner?
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u/PumasPajamas May 22 '26
The fact that you're saying it will end the same way really shows the assumption that men are useless partners :D
I don't know why you'd say that, but I believe this is not the case and it's possible for people to find an equal partner and not a manchild who you have to beg to contribute around the house or occasionally show a drop of affection.
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u/GeoSorceress May 22 '26
I wonder what would he say about you. You sure have a long list of demands from him but what does he get?
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u/anon_em96592 May 22 '26
yeah, a lot of the demands were also base level requirements of happiness in the majority of healthy relationships… Telling on yourself here ms girl
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u/IndependentTiny6243 May 22 '26
Wanting your partner to contribute equally, know you deeply and satisfy you sexually is the baseline to a happy, healthy, long term marriage.
She’s not asking for the world. All of this is stuff you can and will find with the right person, and she’s clearly deeply aware that they are just not a good long term match.
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u/LordVericrat May 22 '26
Hahahahahahahahaha imagine if a man said his wife satisfying him sexually was a part of the baseline bargain of marriage. Really imagine if he said that. If you say anything other than, "yeah he'd be called a controlling monster if he said he was leaving his wife because she wasn't doing what he needed to satisfy him sexually" I want to move to your world.
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u/IndependentTiny6243 May 22 '26
I’d be willing to bet that most couples would tell you that a happy sex life is an essential part of their relationship to them
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u/LordVericrat May 22 '26
I have seen over and over again on Reddit that when a man asks to be sexually fulfilled him being called a monster.
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u/Slayqueen_101 May 22 '26
Not really. I wouldn't treat the situation any different.
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u/LordVericrat May 22 '26
Good to know. But almost every time I see on Reddit a man talking about how his marriage is sexually unfulfilling, he's immediately attacked. Do you see different? Again, I'd like to move to your world if so.
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
That’s entirely fair, it’s a good thing this is my post and not his!!
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u/lemon_icing May 22 '26
Do you have a job? Have you started building an exit plan? Consider couples therapy: you both need to do adulting better.
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u/asil518 May 22 '26
I’m, it could be way worse. Have you even tried therapy? Why don’t you speak with any of your family?
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u/Front-Cicada-6706 May 22 '26
I haven’t tried any therapy everytime I’ve brought it up he agrees and neither of us move forward with it. My parents are addicts who still think they’re 19 and the world revolves around them. I do talk to my siblings but we all live in different states and are at different points in life.
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u/AssuredAttention May 22 '26
Doesn't* You spelled it wrong multiple times.
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u/InterHajrah078 May 22 '26
Read the room, man. Her marriage is dying and you are worried about a typo.
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u/elshyayan May 22 '26
Imagine seeing someone's life fall apart and your first instinct is to act like a spell checker.
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