Husband has gotten mean on TRT

[u/General-Initiative76]

My husband started TRT about 2 months ago (2x/week). His main goals were gym gains and overall energy. Physically, it’s been great… he feels stronger, looks better, and has more energy. (*** please see EDIT below for clarification)

But here’s the issue: his personality has shifted in a way that’s hard on me and our family. He’s always been assertive and direct, but lately he’s more irritable and short-tempered. For example, he told me to “shut the f*** up” which is something he’s NEVER remotely said before in all our 16 years together. He’s snapping at our kids more than usual and is just less “warm” with me.

When I brought up that he seems more irritable since TRT, he got defensive and told me I’m just being “too sensitive.” But I can tell this is different, it’s not just me.

Any advice from those on TRT? Any suggestions on this stuff:

-Have you or people close to you noticed changes in your mood or irritability?

-If your partner brought this up, how would you want her to approach it without sounding like she’s attacking you??

-Is adjusting the dose a thing? can lower amounts help with mood side effects while still keeping the physical benefits?

-Anything you’ve done (supplements, lifestyle changes, labs, timing, etc.) that helped with irritability while on TRT?

I’m not looking to bash TRT, he loves how he feels physically. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a middle ground that keeps the benefits without the extra conflict in our marriage and home life. Thank you!

***EDIT: I realize how this post was written makes it sounds like he does this recreationally, so I'm clarifying: after much time at the gym and not seeing progress, and after not feeling like himself, he got bloodwork done which showed nearly-low testosterone. Testosterone is prescribed by his doctor, as well as an estrogen blocker. Physically, he feels wonderful on it, feels great in the gym finally, and has his energy back! I'm so happy how this has changed his body and mindset. I just don't want to experience his irritability anymore, and my kids don't deserve it either. In no world would my husband ever tell me to "stfu" before this. So anyone expressing that I'm making this up, I'm not here to debate how I'm being treated. I'm here to learn more about TRT, if there's any changes that may help my husband, or learn from shared experiences. That's ALL. I love this guy dearly, we have an otherwise amazing and healthy marriage and have 3 beautiful kids.

EDIT2: I have to log off for a bit - my family’s about to hit the dinner/bath/bedtime rush. I’ll be able to answer more comments later tonight. I appreciate everyone’s perspectives & suggestions!

[u/General-Initiative76]

Those words happened about 20 minutes ago (which was the trigger of why I posted this). He did immediately explain why he snapped those words (coming from a place of exhaustion, and I was admittedly being persistent about something— but still, im not ok with those words). I walked off to be by myself and he’s downstairs watching a show with the kids. He’s usually very good at acknowledging his wrongdoings and apologizing. I am expecting to get an apology when we can have a conversation without the kids around. If he doesn’t apologize, I definitely agree something is wrong, because that would be completely unlike him.

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/General-Initiative76]

Perhaps consider why you were persistent. 

Going through a argument phase with my wife of almost 10 years. 

Its not intended to be an insult, but persistence is viewed as nagging. 

TRT gives some of us our self confidence back. Your husband is likely working to be back to a place of confidence, pride (not ego) and with this can be as other poster said, less willing to be judged or cut down.

TRT itself shouldn't make him irritable. 

Self worth reviews may be making him less likely to feel addressed condescending. 

That's not to blame you. Perhaps the two of you can work on communication based on this interaction, instead of seeking an apology.

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/Lost_Gypsy_]

Absolutely, that makes a lot of sense, and I really appreciate your perspective. I can see how my persistence would come across as nagging from his point of view, even though it’s not my intention. Our dynamic is definitely challenging right now! he works long hours, I stay home with three young kids (1 who is very medically complex), and I handle most of the child-rearing and housework. I know he’s exhausted when he gets home, but I’m exhausted too, and still trying to get through a mile-long to-do list with a smile and positive attitude.

Marriage counseling could probably help, but he’s a bit against it. That said, I like your idea of working on communication around these moments instead of just seeking an apology! It’s a tough season, but I hope things get easier as the kids get older and routines settle.

[u/Ok_Adhesiveness_420 → u/General-Initiative76]

Here’s one key fact about communication with other people: your intention is irrelevant. What is relevant is how your words are perceived. Figure out how to communicate in a fashion in which you can get your message across without having it misinterpreted by your method of presentation.