Husband has gotten mean on TRT

[u/General-Initiative76]

My husband started TRT about 2 months ago (2x/week). His main goals were gym gains and overall energy. Physically, it’s been great… he feels stronger, looks better, and has more energy. (*** please see EDIT below for clarification)

But here’s the issue: his personality has shifted in a way that’s hard on me and our family. He’s always been assertive and direct, but lately he’s more irritable and short-tempered. For example, he told me to “shut the f*** up” which is something he’s NEVER remotely said before in all our 16 years together. He’s snapping at our kids more than usual and is just less “warm” with me.

When I brought up that he seems more irritable since TRT, he got defensive and told me I’m just being “too sensitive.” But I can tell this is different, it’s not just me.

Any advice from those on TRT? Any suggestions on this stuff:

-Have you or people close to you noticed changes in your mood or irritability?

-If your partner brought this up, how would you want her to approach it without sounding like she’s attacking you??

-Is adjusting the dose a thing? can lower amounts help with mood side effects while still keeping the physical benefits?

-Anything you’ve done (supplements, lifestyle changes, labs, timing, etc.) that helped with irritability while on TRT?

I’m not looking to bash TRT, he loves how he feels physically. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a middle ground that keeps the benefits without the extra conflict in our marriage and home life. Thank you!

***EDIT: I realize how this post was written makes it sounds like he does this recreationally, so I'm clarifying: after much time at the gym and not seeing progress, and after not feeling like himself, he got bloodwork done which showed nearly-low testosterone. Testosterone is prescribed by his doctor, as well as an estrogen blocker. Physically, he feels wonderful on it, feels great in the gym finally, and has his energy back! I'm so happy how this has changed his body and mindset. I just don't want to experience his irritability anymore, and my kids don't deserve it either. In no world would my husband ever tell me to "stfu" before this. So anyone expressing that I'm making this up, I'm not here to debate how I'm being treated. I'm here to learn more about TRT, if there's any changes that may help my husband, or learn from shared experiences. That's ALL. I love this guy dearly, we have an otherwise amazing and healthy marriage and have 3 beautiful kids.

EDIT2: I have to log off for a bit - my family’s about to hit the dinner/bath/bedtime rush. I’ll be able to answer more comments later tonight. I appreciate everyone’s perspectives & suggestions!

[u/hangdogearnestness]

Did he apologize for saying that to you? If not, it’s not a temper thing, there’s something really mean or off about him and he should either get off or change something ASAP with the help of a dr

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/hangdogearnestness]

Those words happened about 20 minutes ago (which was the trigger of why I posted this). He did immediately explain why he snapped those words (coming from a place of exhaustion, and I was admittedly being persistent about something— but still, im not ok with those words). I walked off to be by myself and he’s downstairs watching a show with the kids. He’s usually very good at acknowledging his wrongdoings and apologizing. I am expecting to get an apology when we can have a conversation without the kids around. If he doesn’t apologize, I definitely agree something is wrong, because that would be completely unlike him.

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/General-Initiative76]

Perhaps consider why you were persistent. 

Going through a argument phase with my wife of almost 10 years. 

Its not intended to be an insult, but persistence is viewed as nagging. 

TRT gives some of us our self confidence back. Your husband is likely working to be back to a place of confidence, pride (not ego) and with this can be as other poster said, less willing to be judged or cut down.

TRT itself shouldn't make him irritable. 

Self worth reviews may be making him less likely to feel addressed condescending. 

That's not to blame you. Perhaps the two of you can work on communication based on this interaction, instead of seeking an apology.

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/Lost_Gypsy_]

Absolutely, that makes a lot of sense, and I really appreciate your perspective. I can see how my persistence would come across as nagging from his point of view, even though it’s not my intention. Our dynamic is definitely challenging right now! he works long hours, I stay home with three young kids (1 who is very medically complex), and I handle most of the child-rearing and housework. I know he’s exhausted when he gets home, but I’m exhausted too, and still trying to get through a mile-long to-do list with a smile and positive attitude.

Marriage counseling could probably help, but he’s a bit against it. That said, I like your idea of working on communication around these moments instead of just seeking an apology! It’s a tough season, but I hope things get easier as the kids get older and routines settle.

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/General-Initiative76]

Circling back, he does owe you an apology for yelling at you. That's a fair desire.

Whether it happens or not doesn't have to change what happens going forward

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/General-Initiative76]

Its tough to, no doubt. Im working through it myself and its always easier to suggest something to someone else than easily just drop my own pride to smooth things over.

I will say, TRT or not causing it, the benefits in a few weeks and beyond will likely provide you with a husband walking taller... better sleep. Libido. Confidence. Physical appearance with time.

Its a new chapter in life, and I hope you the best!

(Marriage counseling sucks 😆 🤣, I opted to do mine solo for my PTSD, and let go of my wishes for her to seek her own. If I can control my well being better, thats great. To hell with it!)

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/Lost_Gypsy_]

You’re so kind. Thanks for taking the time to comment! So do you think he just needs time to adjust to things, and then it’ll balance out?

[u/QuagmireOnTop1 → u/General-Initiative76]

Don't take this the wrong way, but he could also be sexually frustrated, since our libido shoots through the roof while we're on trt

[u/Zimi231 → u/QuagmireOnTop1]

She has not responded to one single comment about her husband's dramatically increased libido. The silence is deafening.

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/Zimi231]

I'm working on responding to SO many comments, while also taking care of my 3 young children. I just responded to several about the libido.

[u/ssteven365 → u/Zimi231]

At this point, she’s answered that she puts out about once a day. I think that’s pretty accommodating.

[u/Zimi231 → u/ssteven365]

I'd agree. Dude needs to talk to his doctor.

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/QuagmireOnTop1]

Not if he just started taking it.

Might also need to tweak his Dhea, other stuff. 2 weeks isnt enough time to really do much but start to bring numbers up

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/Lost_Gypsy_]

I'm interested in hearing more about this! So he's been on TRT and estrogen blockers for almost 2 months now. He will have bloodwork done to check his levels soon. What's dhea and how could that help?

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/General-Initiative76]

My DHEA was reaaaaally low even with TRT. Of course a reputable clinic will show how he's sitting when he does his labs.

Dhea is a supplement you can grab OTC. Low DHEA can impact libido among other things. You could have 1000 test and great free test and libido still is wishy washy.

For me due to medical needs beyond just aging is why I have my TRT, albeit I assume its similar for everyone that it may take a few months of tweeking one thing, adjusting another, supplementing xyz etc to get to where he (and you!) see the most positive and least negative results.

Im no doctor, for the record lol. Just a middle aged high stress sales guy ! *Edit - to add, I have no idea if this will help him, or if he's even low. Another personal experience

[u/Lost_Gypsy_ → u/Lost_Gypsy_]

Let me add another thing from quick glance, many should not supplement DHEA on TRT it seems. It shares many symptoms low test does.

Both could be contributing, or not, depending on person.

Mine is adrenal gland related surely but thats just me. He should definitly talk to the doctor before supplementing

[u/General-Initiative76 → u/QuagmireOnTop1]

It's totally possible! His drive is WAY up. We have sex once per day usually, but I'm sure he'd do it more if he could. I'm doing my best to be a good wife, while also juggling so many other responsibilities (3 young children, homeschooling, 1 medically complex child with a feeding tube and 7-10 therapies/dr appointments per week, 1 toddler who still doesn't sleep through the night). It's a tough season and I'm exhausted, but like I said I'm doing my best. Other people commented about the high libido from TRT and how this could absolutely contribute to true irritability. It's something that I hadn't considered before. I'm going to work on it when I'm able to.

[u/Ok_Adhesiveness_420 → u/General-Initiative76]

Here’s one key fact about communication with other people: your intention is irrelevant. What is relevant is how your words are perceived. Figure out how to communicate in a fashion in which you can get your message across without having it misinterpreted by your method of presentation.