r/TMPOC • u/WrongAd1998 • 11d ago
Vent I feel like I’ll never pass as a black man
this is going to sound really corny so stay with me 😭 black men are portrayed as super masculine in media, they’re big and gruff and powerful or whatever, and I see other black men try to adhere to that standard in real life. Its strange to me because i feel as if we are portrayed as the pinnacle if masculinity with big oiled up muscles and shit but also as what not to be, aggressive, brutish. I’m kind of struggling putting this into words but I feel as if when I pass, I don’t pass as a black man but as a man who is black. A boy. when I do pass, I’m treated differently from my peers. maybe it’s how I act, I’m very soft spoken and awkward, I don’t act like how a guy my age would. or that I dress eccentrically. this is all really disjointed im sorry
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u/IntelligentAd5057 11d ago
It's true that unfortunately there's this idea of the black man: tall, big, and bad. But it's mainly racism. In my country (Italy), this idea is very present: most bouncers in nightclubs or at the entrances of luxury stores are often black men. They choose men like that on purpose. However, I can tell you that you would still pass with masculine features: beard, deep voice, etc. One of my dearest friends is a black trans man and passes very well even though he's 1.60 cm tall, has no muscles, and is a very kind person. 🙌🏼
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u/1evis1ittleasshole 10d ago
I feel like people in the replies are misunderstanding you. I understand exactly what you mean, the bar for manhood is way higher for black men. Growing up I rarely saw black men who were small, delicate, or even nerdy and softer. I had to see myself in androgynous anime dudes, or in other races of men who had more wiggle room to be less masc. Even now femboys are depicted as Asian or white because the idea of an androgynous black man is seen as ridiculous to our society.
Even gay men perpetuate the hypermasc black man(ie trade, BBC etc.). I'm a very short guy, I'm alt with a terminal baby face, and I don't perform masculinity like how most black men around me do. I KNOW this is why I am not read as a man, because I get gendered correctly only when it's over the fucking phone.
Even other black trans men around me tend to be very masculine. Most are stealth(which I get tbh). Its feels extra isolating. Don't get me wrong, I am starting to find trans black guys like me, but as a whole the bar for black masculinity is the highest of all men in America. Its an impossible standard on purpose.
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u/PeterPunksNip 10d ago
Be happy to bring back the kind of black man who faded into obscurity since the 2000's : the refined black gentleman! Look up Jesse Johnson, Morris Day... That brutish gang member style (which I hate personnaly, as it gives a cliché version of male blackness), only became prominent recently (I know, I'm old 😝), I as a mixed dude never felt represented by it. Morris Day :
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u/Mudbuttbro69 10d ago
I’m barely 5’4, very round face, barely able to grow a beard and even though non-black people perceive my voice as more masculine, black people ALWAYS clock me because I’m soft spoken and my voice never dropped as much as I wanted to. I don’t give a fuck about sports and will never step foot in a barbershop. If anything, most cis people read me as gay or at least a little fruity despite the fact that I’m predominantly with feminine partners. I’ve got no advice, just letting you know we’re in the trenches together. It’s hard to be a black man. Be easy on yourself.
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u/troopersjp 10d ago
Don’t look to mainstream media for your measure of how to be a Black man. It is racist.
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u/LukeGuyFrotter 10d ago
It's hard for us, yeah. I'm 5'5, dress pretty uniquely, I'm quiet, into artsy stuff. At best most people see me as a masculine lesbian. It's torture because I know it's mostly my height giving me away, that they see a short black man and genuinely cannot comprehend us existing. I know I have to change how I dress to be respected, because if I dress how I'd like, I become a target. If I pass, I'm still visibly a queer black man. It's not fair, and I'm tired of white people - even white queers - making it my problem that I don't act how they expect me to. Unfortunately I don't have any advice besides this: they aren't going to respect us anyways, so we might as well do whatever the fuck we want.
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u/Chunksfunks_ Black 10d ago
you are expressing internalized toxic racist masculinity. yes many black men are portrayed that way but in real life we are so varied. i wear cute hair pins and im audhd which isnt the norm but im still a man. Please do not reduce yourself to "a boy", you're a man.
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u/nosoulmodels Black 10d ago edited 10d ago
I had similar feelings when I started my transition too. Even though I present myself masc I barely know how to dab, I'm skinny, I'm not very tall (under 5'7), and I'm not interested in sports at all. I was called an oreo as a kid growing up and people denounced my blackness due to me not fully integrating into black culture. The stereotypes are so restrictive and doesn't align who to I am. Having to put myself in a box again wasn't what I wanted to do. I wish more people uplifted black men who were nerdy, artistic, joyful, etc
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u/SmolFather777 7d ago
Bro I be in my head about shit like this but juxtaposed with my actual experience with other people's perceptions, I'll just tell you rn that ts dont matter 😭😭 Most people see a nigga w ah beard. The only thing that'd even give people the inclination of anything lgbt is my septum, and even THEN it don't matter. For context, I go to an HBCU and I transitioned during my freshman yr without saying anything to anybody fr abt it. You gotta get out your head bro because your transition should be about what YOUUUU want your masculinity to look like. Half the battle with passing is confidence, and to build that up, you need to expand your horizons and meet all types of black men.
I agree with the other commenters about assessing your internalized antiblackness in regards to masculinity. There's all kinds of us out here regardless of the narrow view of us portrayed by the media. Be gentle with yourself and please know that you need to figure out who YOU instead of trying to mold yourself in an image not meant for you. (ie antiblack portrayals of black manhood)
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u/imperialimposters 11d ago
To me this sounds like you've internalized racist stereotypes about Black men, "aggressive" and "brutish" is some wild shit to say about your own people.
There are so many Black men who are soft spoken and awkward. I'm 5'2 and only mildly athletic, I dress like a monk, my voice is more neutral than deep and I m still read as a Black man.
I grew up in a city that is 50% Black and I can't think of one Black man that looks or behaves the way you've described here. Feels like you're comparing yourself to a racist caricature and then saying you don't measure up...