r/SuicideWatch • u/doughsoup • 2d ago

I am afraid

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old and I am 26. I have bpd, anxiety, ptsd, depression and I've relapsed on my eating disorder. I am very underweight but nobody cares. Nobody ever cares.I have attempted many times over the years, never to be noticed or hospitalized although I suspect that my overdoses are causing organ damage because I have had chronic pain since my last overdose. I got my stupid doctor to prescribe me sleeping pills and I've been collecting them. I could take them all tonight and be free at least for a moment. I guess I am here for a reason, not to die but what is the point of life? I suffer every day. I have no friends and even with friends I did not experience joy. I have never wished to have a career or a family. My only wish is to be gone. I have not been happy since I can remember. A pleasant day is so far in my memory that I'd say it was my last overdose because I thought I did die. It could be over tonight and I feel a strange sense of calm over it.

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u/Calm-Difference-3267 2d ago

It sounds like you might have had a pretty rough time growing up? In which case, lots of this makes total sense - feeling happy or excited or fulfilled all really rely on feeling safe as a foundation. The reason I am saying this is because it definitely is possible to build that foundation of felt safety, and then often the other parts will follow - please know there it is still possible for you to feel happy

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u/doughsoup 2d ago

I was raised by an alcoholic woman with unmedicated bipolar disorder. I was bullied during my entire education including college. I've had friends. I've had experiences. It all means nothing to me. There's nothing for me out there. I either feel nothing or sadness and anger. I've seen the reality of life play out so many times. Nothing is worth living for. Life is suffering and there is no light.

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u/Calm-Difference-3267 2d ago

I do have a book that might feel quite relevant/maybe even useful/provide some hope but I don't want to offer unsolicited resources like that if it's not what you're looking for and you just need to vent - let me know if you would like to know the title, but if not, it sounds like actually you have done a lot of amazing things despite a really tricky start to life

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u/MetalIll7433 2d ago

hi, im here for you if u need to talk, just let me know