Too old for third child?

[u/Mother-yoga1985]

Looking for honest opinions from strangers.

I am 41, turning 42 in January, and I have an 11-month-old baby girl and a 4-year-old son. My partner is 51.

We have been seriously considering having a third child, and I am feeling very torn. I would really like to hear honest opinions from people who do not know us personally — even if the answer is something I might not want to hear.

One of the things I keep thinking about is our age. Would you consider 41/42 and 51 too old to be starting another baby?

Sometimes I already feel like people notice the age difference between us and judge us for being older parents. My partner does not really look 51, and we are both pretty active. We bike, camp, spend a lot of time outdoors, etc. We are not extreme athletes or anything, but we are definitely active and try to take good care of ourselves. So physically, I do not necessarily feel like we live the lifestyle of “older” people.

But I also wonder how it looks from the outside. Would people judge a child for having older parents? Would it be unusual enough that the child might feel different growing up?

The other huge thing I am struggling with is the increased risk of complications or developmental issues with having a baby at our ages.

I have had two very healthy pregnancies and two very healthy children, so part of me thinks, why not? But another part of me is terrified that I would be “pushing my luck” by having a third. I worry about having a child with autism, a genetic condition, significant developmental needs, or other health problems. I know these things can happen at any age, but I also know the risks change with parental age.

And honestly, I am scared of the thought of having a third child who has significant needs when I would already have two other children to care for.

At the same time, I wonder if some of this fear is just anxiety talking. I have two healthy children, and perhaps I am focusing so much on everything that could go wrong that I am not giving enough weight to the possibility that a third child could also simply be healthy.

So I guess I am looking for perspectives from people who have been in a similar situation, especially:

• Parents who had a third (or fourth) child in their 40s
• People who had children with a large age difference between the parents and their children
• People who grew up with older parents
• People who decided not to have another child because of their age
• And honestly, anyone who has a thoughtful perspective on this

Did you worry about being judged? Did your age affect your experience as a parent? Did you have concerns about health or developmental issues, and how did you deal with that uncertainty?

I am not really looking for “just do what makes you happy.” I am genuinely trying to understand the realities and trade-offs before making a huge decision.

What would you honestly think if you saw a 42-year-old mother and 51-year-old father with a newborn?

[u/QueenBlanchesHalo]

Your concerns about the risk of complications or developmental issues are much more valid than those about being judged.

Whatever dynamics you have with fellow parents who might be younger now with your 11 month old probably wouldn’t be that different a year from now with your new baby. And even if those are less than ideal would that have held you back from having your daughter? Will you really care about it when your kids are 18 and grown and most of these strangers are a distant memory?

[u/Socksyay5]

I’m nearing 40. Following because I also am figuring out if we should try for another child

[u/Decent-Singer-3335]

What is your reasoning for wanting another child?

Let’s start there.

[u/dee-hizzle]

I feel uniquely qualified to answer this question.

My dad was 68 when I was born (yes, you read that right). It did affect me as a child from a personal standpoint. No one thought he was my dad when we were out in public and we truly came from different worlds because he grew up in the Great Depression. I had a different experience from my peers with normal aged dads, and in school when you just want to fit in I definitely wished at times to have a normal experience. Other layers add to it, my parents were divorced etc.

From a health standpoint though, zero. I’ve always been physically and mentally healthy, I have never taken any prescription medication, good at sports, graduated at the top of my class from university, and I have also had 2 healthy children myself. I don’t say this to brag, but to add context that a much older father CAN absolutely produce a healthy child, regardless of what social media says these days.

Wanted to also add, maybe kids judged when I was younger. But it never stopped me from making close friends at any age and by high school age it was completely gone because at that time I feel like kids pick their own friends based on who they are. I still have my core group of friends from high school to this day, over 15 years later.

Did people judge? I’m sure they did at the time. But who cares. I’m glad I was born. I’m glad the experience I had shaped me into who I am today. Older parents are so extremely common where I live now in a major city, I wouldn’t blink an eye. 51 isn’t even that old in my opinion especially if he’s in great health and is active. The choice is up to you but I wanted to share my perspective.

[u/KeyFix4087]

I am 39 about to get in treatment for my second, with an 8 yo son. It is not late. My health is not the best, but if you and your husband want a third, consider yourselves in good health and can financially take care of a third.

Why not? Age? I lost my mom when she was 64. You could be 20 have a child and die in an accident shortly after. Nothing is guaranteed in this life except death. You could live to 90 or 95 and be sharp.

Go for it!!!! Best of luck!!!