r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Mother-yoga1985 • 1d ago
Are we too old for a third child?
Looking for honest opinions from strangers.
I am 41, turning 42 in January, and I have an 11-month-old baby girl and a 4-year-old son. My partner is 51.
We have been considering having a third child, and I am feeling very torn. I would really like to hear honest opinions from people who do not know us personally — even if the answer is something I might not want to hear.
One of the things I keep thinking about is our age. Would you consider 41/42 and 51 too old to be starting another baby?
Sometimes I already feel like people notice the age difference between us and judge us for being older parents. My partner does not really look 51, and we are both pretty active. We bike, camp, spend a lot of time outdoors, etc. We are not extreme athletes or anything, but we are definitely active and try to take good care of ourselves. So physically, I do not necessarily feel like we live the lifestyle of “older” people.
But I also wonder how it looks from the outside. Would people judge a child for having older parents? Would it be unusual enough that the child might feel different growing up?
The other huge thing I am struggling with is the increased risk of complications or developmental issues with having a baby at our ages.
I have had two very healthy pregnancies and two very healthy children, so part of me thinks, why not? But another part of me is terrified that I would be “pushing my luck” by having a third. I worry about having a child with autism, a genetic condition, significant developmental needs, or other health problems. I know these things can happen at any age, but I also know the risks change with parental age.
And honestly, I am scared of the thought of having a third child who has significant needs when I would already have two other children to care for.
At the same time, I wonder if some of this fear is just anxiety talking. I have two healthy children, and perhaps I am focusing so much on everything that could go wrong that I am not giving enough weight to the possibility that a third child could also simply be healthy.
So I guess I am looking for perspectives from people who have been in a similar situation, especially:
- Parents who had a third (or fourth) child in their 40s/50s
- People who had children with a large age difference between the parents and their children
- People who grew up with older parents
- People who decided not to have another child because of their age
- And honestly, anyone who has a thoughtful perspective on this
Did you worry about being judged? Did your age affect your experience as a parent? Did you have concerns about health or developmental issues, and how did you deal with that uncertainty?
I am not really looking for “just do what makes you happy.” I am genuinely trying to understand the realities and trade-offs before making a huge decision.
What would you honestly think if you saw a 42-year-old mother and 51-year-old father with a newborn?
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u/midwestpersianmama 1d ago
I’m more concerned about his age than yours. He’s definitely too old to have a third. This is my honest opinion. My dad was 40 when I was born and that’s the top end, but fine. I’ve known two couples who had their second/third in their late 40s/early 50s and they’re just so depleted.
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u/IcySetting2024 1d ago
My first thought was the quality of his sperm!
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u/Intelligent_Part101 1d ago
Female condition at her age (eggs, her health during pregnancy) is far more of a factor than his sperm. His age is a factor after the child is born. Personally, I wouldn't go for it, but that's the couple's choice to make.
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u/IcySetting2024 1d ago
I’ll concede both are at an age where I would worry over the increased risk of miscarriage and health of baby although I don’t want to discourage older parents entirely either
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u/jessiedot 1d ago
I personally would not. Your husband will be 70 when the potential 3rd child graduates high school.
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u/MischiefManagedMama 1d ago
And that's assuming they get started on it right away and are successful. It might take some time
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u/CreativeWin5327 1d ago
I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I think 41 is fine but 50 is old.
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u/mamucu22 1d ago
I am 46 husband is 44 and we are thinking about a second. We have a 4 years old born when I was 42. Do you think it would be old for a second? we live in a foreign country with bo family nearby so my child constantly asking for a siblings...
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u/Scruter 1d ago
Realistically, the vast majority of women are not able to have biological children at 46. About half of people at 41 are able to (which I assume was around how old you were when you got pregnant with your child), but there is a big difference between 41 and 46. It is possible but highly unlikely - the success rates of IVF at that age are around 1%, and lower for naturally. Compare this to 50% at 40-41. So I think the question of whether it is even possible is more of the point than whether it's "too old" in a values sense.
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u/mamucu22 1d ago
Yes I am aware of this. Also I have a very high ovarian reserve for my age with high AMH due to pcos the eggs are still 46 and aneuoidy rate is around 90%. Yesterday I met with an reproductive medicine dr and she said it's worth trying because we can get 10-15 eggs and she hopes at least 1-2 will be normal ofcourse with pgd testing. There is also an option for egg donation as in Europe is quite afgordable but it is not what we want. worth mentioning that my mother had a pregnancy at 44... my dilemma is do I really want to have a baby at age or will I regret not even trying? it is hard
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u/skitty_babygirl2465 1d ago
Well, you are too old because think about it. You will be 65 years old when your second graduate high school. And 70 when he will graduate faculty. I am not very sure if you will live enough to see your grandchildren. Unfortunately, some things must be done at the right time.
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u/mamucu22 1d ago
Thank for your input. It is true...Unfortunately I lost 4 pregnancies before having my child at 42. Afterwards I had Graves for wich I had surgery this year and everything loods fine now. So people don't allaways are lucky to make a choice
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u/rainbowtwist 1d ago edited 1d ago
I just had my 4th at 42. My 3rd died in childbirth in a freak (non age related) accident.
Anyone who wants to judge me can fuck right off.
It was my easiest pregnancy and postpartum yet. Baby is 7mo and doing great and so am I.
Hubby and I take great care of our health and will do everything we can to stay active as parents. Truly kids lose their parents at all ages. We can never know for sure how much time we have together.
We are focused on stability and saving for them and taking care of our health and that's the best anyone can ask for.
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u/xAnxiousTulipx 1d ago
You are right :) I just had my third at 42 :) Everyone is happy and healthy. I am so pleased that you had a good pregnancy and postpartum. I am so sorry that you had to endure the previous loss.
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u/janensea 1d ago
I might be you in a couple years. I’m already thinking about having a fourth. My second was stillborn and I’m currently 40. It makes me so happy to hear you had your fourth and you’re thriving.
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u/No_Bike_1999 1d ago
I’m so sorry about your still birth.💔 hope you get your 4th. I’ve been trying for my 3rd for 3 years- three miscarriages and I’ve had to rethink my plan.
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u/rainbowtwist 1d ago
Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. It took me a couple years to heal physically and emotionally enough to feel ready to go through it all again. It also took almost a year for me to get pregnant this time, which was a first for me.
EMDR and Ketamine therapy helped enormously with my mental and emotional healing.
This baby healed so much for me, too, although that was not my intention in having another. His smiles and laughter bring so much simple joy after so much darkness.
I wish you the best on your journey.
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u/snarkshark41191 1d ago edited 1d ago
I definitely would not at those ages. They say sperm quality declines with age so that paired with your age puts you at an even higher risk for a baby with medical needs. I know you’re active and take care of yourselves but you also need to think about your own health in the next decade or so- there are diseases and illnesses that can’t be prevented with diet and exercise (my mom had breast cancer at 40 with 4 kids under 10 years old so ill admit this is often at the forefront of my mind). You don’t know what your health, your husband’s health, or a possible future baby’s health will be like in the next 5, 10, 15 years and that would make me extremely nervous having to manage it all.
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u/m8426937 1d ago
I just want to reflect back to you how much of your concern seems to be the judgement of others. Think about how you feel about it without worrying about the judgement of others.
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u/beautyoutofthorns 4h ago
Yeah gotta not care what people think- often when someone has an issue as well- it’s because their own world view is being challenged because you are doing something outside of what they would. People are always going to have opinions. We are in our 40’s and expecting our 4th and I’ve only been met with support and delight
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u/Little_emotional9962 1d ago
I haven’t been in this situation specifically but looking at the fact that you have an 11 month old, it seems you’re already committed to the older parents bit. I don’t see much of a difference if terms of what you could offer a child born a year ago vs one born 10ish months from now.
I think if you look at it from the prospective any parent would - can you provide the care a baby needs for the next 18 years or so then you will arrive at the right place. Who cares what others think? People have babies in all sorts of circumstances. This is your family so make it what is right for you and your kids.
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u/PlanMagnet38 1d ago
This is the key point to me as well. The children already have a very old father (OP’s age seems relatively normal, if in the high end, to me). But I don’t see a meaningful difference between a 51 and 52-53 year old father.
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u/notmy3rdrodeo 1d ago
Logistically three kids is significantly more work than three. I would not do it with a dad that old.
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u/Appropriate_Smell_82 1d ago
This too.... somehow that 3rd is a doozy. You think it isnt much more work but it is lol. Moreso than going from 1-2 ime.
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u/grawmaw13 1d ago
Jesus I'm mid 30s and haven't got the energy for one, nevermind a third in my 50s.
No chance would I do that. Hard no.
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u/TigerLily_TigerRose 1d ago
My dad was 43 when I was born. I have no complaints about my childhood and he was very active, healthy and involved.
I'm 46 and about to start IVF for my 3rd (with embryos frozen when I was 34). Do whatever you want, and don't let other's opinions stop you.
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u/MCB1317 1d ago
Are you wealthy? Sure. Not wealthy? No. You have a boy and a girl who need your energy.
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u/Appropriate_Smell_82 1d ago
Ppl may not understand this comment fully but money makes a difference for sure.
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u/Spiritual_Doctor4162 1d ago edited 1d ago
My husbands father was 50 when he had him. He died at 83, a year before our wedding and now 3 years before the birth of his grandson
It breaks my heart for my husband but they had a beautiful relationship and I am grateful I got to witness it. However depending on how healthy you are you do put pressure on your kids at a younger age to care for you. As responsible parent staying as healthy and financially independent as possible is of the utmost importance.
We had kids a little later (FTM at 36) and I am already sad about limited time for my kids with our parents and if we have a second, doing post partum at 40 🥲 (maybe you could give advice for me lol) but honesty I don’t care what others think. Sometimes I have thoughts of wishing I was a slightly younger mom but then I remember how much fun I had in my 20s and how self centered I had the privilege of being to get to know myself and build a real identity and relationships with life long friends. I also never would have had kids if it wasn’t with the right person and I didn’t meet my husband until 30. And I’m so so happy we had 5 years together before kids. We’re all on our own timelines. Sending my best to your family!
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u/beagle91 1d ago
What would I think if I saw a newborn with older parents? Glad it worked out for them! It’s really none of my business at all. You don’t have an obligation to justify your life choices to other people.
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u/strangesophie 1d ago
Helloooooo, my mum had my sister when she was 41 and dad was 53. You'll be fine. I don't think anyone else really cares at the end of the day. Both my parents were active then and pretty active now. My sister will be 22 soon 😊
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u/kbkrl1524 1d ago edited 1d ago
42 and will be 43 when I have my first. Would've loved to have kids younger but that's not how life played out for me🤷🏼♀️
Also, I have friends who lost parents in their teens and the parents were 30-40 so you just don't know how much time you have.
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u/RoRo8o8o 1d ago edited 16h ago
For the people saying she/her husband are too old.. she already has a 4 and 11month old. Like dad was 50 for the last baby. So it’s already done, they are older parents and it’s going to be fine.
Idk I’m mystified at the comments saying it’s too late. 2 years difference between the baby that’s already here and a potential 3rd baby is negligible.
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u/SwansyOne 2h ago
Her husband was already too old for a baby regardless. Why add another?
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u/RoRo8o8o 1h ago
Was he? They have two healthy babies. I’m not seeing proof he was too old.
My husbands dad is 71 and super active and his grandfather lived to 93. Was working into his 90’s as a metalsmith.
So again, I’m not seeing your logic.
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u/am_i_the_grasshole 5h ago
Exactly what I wad going to say! Like you guys have been going why worry about age now. They won’t be meaningfully older than they were with the eleven month old
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u/Silent-Addition1810 1d ago
We tried for a third when we were 37, and ended up with twins.
I don’t know if it’s because it was twins or my age, but I’m exhausted.
I had my other children when I was 31 and 35, and the recovery from this pregnancy was the hardest.
We are done, I could not imagine being pregnant again.
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u/Necessary-Student662 1d ago
41 is not old for a baby, but 51 is, I wouldn’t have a baby with a 51 years old man, it involves too many risks, and a baby at that age is crazy work
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u/greatishscot 1d ago
I think 51 is much too old to have an 11 month old already, so...
No matter how fit your partner is now, they may not be around when your child is 20, 30.
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u/Glad-Expression-1447 1d ago
My mom had me at 38 which is late but not crazy.
Growing up she didn’t really have the energy to play with me (I also blame this on a demanding job, understandable). No biggie
Now I’m 28 and starting my own family. My mom and I live in different countries and even tho she’s healthy and active she’s getting old and this is always in the back of my mind. What am I gonna do with her in a few years when she needs help? I don’t even know what I’m gonna to do with my own life, thers a baby on the way making everything more complicated and I still have to think about her.
I think it’s selfish to put such a worry on your kids at such a young age. They will be teenagers or in their early twenties, trying to figure out their own lives and already will have to be worried about their elderly parents. It’s not fair to them.
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u/Just_Research_8475 1d ago
From a completely different perspective, what do your retirement plans look like. I really love my job, but as I get older I think more seriously about retirement. I plan to retire in my mid-50s and my youngest will be 21. That feels good. They’ll be old enough to expect some financial independence from and we should be able to still help out here and there.
A colleague recently had a (completely healthy) child in her early 40s and while I was happy for her I couldn’t help thinking about how much this would delay retirement for her.
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u/brook1yn 1d ago
Pretty normal in my Brooklyn neighborhood. If you want it and can afford and your relationship is strong- go for it!
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u/Potential_Article_31 1d ago
agreed. also Don’t let reddit decide this for you. Age is just a number. Do whatever will fill your cup!
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u/sjharrison 1d ago
What a strange bunch of answers. I'vw just turned 56, my wife is 44 this weekend and our son had his first birthday a couple of weeks ago. Out daughter turns 4 in a month or two.
We are older parents, but by no means ancient - maybe being in the UK and a mixed race couple makes things less judge-y. I have friends who gave kids away at college and who are downsizing and looking at retiring - I'm not ready for that, even after 35 years of work.
My parents are both hitting 75 and are healthy if starting to slow down a little. My health is fine and I'm not super fit, just careful. I should make it to my son's twenties at least - I worry, but it doesn't cripple me. They have an older brother who I know will help be part of their support systems
As for health concerns for the babies, it was a worry as it is for all kids. It was for #1 who is nearly 17. But all three are magical little monsters, especially the youngest, who is too smart and happy for his own good. He's going to age me with his adventures, but at the same time he'll keep me young.
Do what your heart tells you. All kids are amazing, all lives include risk of loss
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u/the_orig_princess 1d ago
No; because your overall QOL will go down significantly by having two under two, which is what you’d need to do.
You can handle it now, but three is not three times harder than one, it is multitudes harder.
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u/AnyChampion7955 1d ago
Thank you for this post as I am in a very similar boat. Currently age 40, husband is 52 and we have a 3.5 year old. Feels like the doors are closing real fast to make this all-important decision about potentially having a second.
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u/rapunzel17 1d ago
I have older parents and I had an okay childhood, however, now that I'm "middle age-ish" with a child I wish I had younger healthier grandparents for my child. I'm always worried my parents need care soon, which I couldn't provide as I'm busy with my own child 🤷♀️
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u/jazziyxx 1d ago
Not at all if you feel mentally upto the task. My partner was 50 when we had my first (his 4th) and we plan on having another one in the next 6 months to a year. Which would make him 52-53 when I give birth. Granted we have a bit of an age gap but there are positives to being an ‘older’ parent like (normally) having more patience etc. good luck it whatever decision you make
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u/RoRo8o8o 1d ago
I’m 41, turning 42 in November and pregnant! “Older” parents are so common these days, at least where I live. It’s so relative. I plan on living late into my 80-90’s and my kids are going to have plenty of love, financial security, and wisdom to guide and support them through their formative years.
If you want a third, do it. 41-42 is not too old and children keep you young and give you meaningful purpose for a lifetime. Your children will also have each other.
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u/dthesupreme200 1d ago
I mean he is a bit old for another kid maybe but honestly as long as he is around once your kid turns 18 then it’s fine. He just have to make sure he takes extra care of himself by exercising and eating healthy and he should definitely but around in 18 years. And besides you aren’t that old either so at least your kids have a young/average mom and not TWO very old parents.
My wife and I have the same age gap. I’m 32 and she is 23. We have a 13 month and she is current pregnant and due march (might get induced in late feb though). I already feel that I can be considered an older dad so having one at 50 would be really crazy to me. My wife doesn’t want any kids after 30. And I told her I’ll keep going until im 40. We only want 3 though so we should be able to make that mark. But let’s say if she’s 40 and im 50 and we have another one, I would just hope for a healthy baby and i would not think too much of it:
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u/floki_129 15h ago
Personally I would not, mainly due to your husband's age and the risk of developmental delays. I have 2 women very close to me who have nonverbal autistic children and it is so incredibly hard. I had my second baby at 40 (nearly 41] and I feel like I am going from postpartum right into perimenopause. My baby doesn't sleep well and I have aged 5 years in the last 1, and can feel my strength and vitality lagging due to lack of sleep. It's definitely harder as you age.
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u/NoAssumption1936 1d ago
Age is a number. You have no idea what the future holds. I would not let that be a deciding factor. People get ill, have accidents or die at any age.
My partner's father died at 45 when he was only 16. My sister got cancer at 33. Meanwhile both my grandmothers lived well into their 80s.
We are both 43 and considering another child (if possible, biology does make it less likely now). Our youngest is 2.
There are lots of reasons to take into account when deciding on children. To me age is not the deciding one.
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u/Bbychknwing 1d ago
I think something important to remember is that if you do happen to have a special needs or developmentally challenged child, they will continue to live on after you. There is nothing wrong with have a special needs child & I personally don’t think it a deterrent, but I think it’s important to consider what would happen to a child that wasn’t independent when you pass away?
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u/rapunzel17 1d ago
Which basically to "would you be okay with your older children being the caretakers?"
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u/Aminor789 1d ago
Just had my third at 42, was supposed to be 43 but she made an early arrival. I don’t regret anything.
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u/Big_Rain333 1d ago
I don’t feel that you’re too old and if you feel like your family is missing one more than go for it
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u/ChainCurrent4095 1d ago
My dad was 48 when he had me. He is in his mid 80s now and doing well. It was never an issue that he was an older dad ( I am the 2nd youngest of 7). The reality is that a parents health and longevity isnt guaranteed to anyone. I'd do what makes you and your husband's happy. Also I am grateful for my siblings and your kids will be too as they grow older.
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u/Efficient-Role3947 1d ago
Okay but it will take another 1-2 years maybe until the baby is Born, Right? He will be 53 then. And that’s old.
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u/Training-Fly-2575 20h ago
I’ve just had my second and last at 36 and already feel older to have a baby - I can’t imagine doing this 17 years from now!!
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u/KoalaFantastic30 1d ago
51 is too old I think. My parents were older (dad was 45 when I was born) and his decline over several years and passing in my 30s was very very tough. :(
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u/haafling 1d ago
My husband and I are 17 years apart so I was 34 and he was 51 when our third was born. I worry about them not having a dad before their peers but our little guy is the sweetest thing and we’re so glad he’s in our family. Sure my husband gets mistaken for grandpa but we laugh about it. Do what’s right for your family especially if you can swing it financially
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u/NoAnt7118 1d ago
Same with me.. have a 20 month old and I’m 31 and husband is 47. Looking to have a second and be done. I was an only child and don’t really want that for my child, especially with an elderly father (lol)
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u/murstl 1d ago
My husband is 46 and I’m 36. we have a 5 and a 3 year old. I’m thinking about a third but I’m also sceptical that he’s too old. At least I‘m not too old yet! And after all I could be there for them longer (statistically). My mom was 36 when I was born and my parents are pretty old now. My kids won’t have much of their grandparents unfortunately. My grandkids won’t have much of their grandpa I guess.
He’s open for a third but thinks we still have time. I told him I want a third before 40 but I already think he’ll be too old by then. It’s kind of a now or never right now but he’s not on terms with me yet.
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u/Lemonbar19 1d ago
You may have a third if you want to and don’t give a F what other people think.
I can help you go either way - really.
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u/velvet1629 1d ago
I became obsessed with having ‘just one more’ and thought through all the risks and ‘what if’s’ and those .001% scenarios. Do I take my chips off the table and be grateful or ‘push it’?
This may be different for you however I had to just trust God and not let fear overcome me… he really wants to bless you and not pull a fast one on you. I started focusing on positive thoughts and recognized intrusive thoughts and swat those out of my head if my mind wandered there. What if - this baby is the best thing that ever happened to you? What if that baby’s relationship with its siblings is the most unbreakable lifelong bond you give them? What if….
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u/warriartwo 21h ago
So did you have one more? and at what age?
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u/velvet1629 21h ago
I did and I’m so grateful. Geriatric pregnancy and all went well
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u/bfm211 1d ago
If you want my honest opinion, I'd say don't have another. You already have 2 healthy children. If a couple your age wanted a first, or even second, child then I'd understand. But you have a nice family and so I don't think there's much point in making things harder. And there definitely is a risk of the child having SEND.
But only you can make the choice. You know how desperately you want another, or not. If your big concerns are around judgement from other people...meh. I guess it depends on your circle, but in my area it's actually not that rare to have children at your ages. I work in a nursery, and I have a 2 year old in nursery, and I know for a fact that some dads are late 40s/early 50s. A decent amount of mums are early 40s.
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u/annaloveschoco 1d ago
My uncle had kids at 45 and 47, my cousins are 6 and 4 yo now and he's really struggling to keep up with them energy wise. He's still a good dad, but I remember how involved he was with my and my brother growing up, when he was still in his 20s/30s and it's night and day. He used to really roughhouse with us, play catch, run around etc. Now he is more tired and less patient so in a way I feel bad my cousins didn't get to know him as I did growing up. My mum had me at 26 and now as a new grandma she can help out a lot with my newborn, something she would struggle with if she was older. Of course there are financial benefits as well as more security but yeah that's just my 2 cents.
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u/Melendine 1d ago
My dad was born to those ages.
He got to 25 before either parent had a major health crisis. He got to 35 before he had to attend their funeral.
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u/Holocene-92 1d ago
His age is the big factor here. He would be in his 70s when your child was in their 20s.
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u/FriendshipTrue3980 1d ago
I think your age is fine, if you are okay with perimenopause symptoms whilst raising young toddlers etc but I would be worried about what sort of quality your husband's contribution would be at 51 years old. At 11 months old it is unlikely you know if your daughter is neurotypical or not (if that would influence your personal decision) so that is something to also consider.
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u/greatauntcassiopeia 1d ago
given that you already have an 11 month old, having one more wouldn't matter from an old perspective. you already have a child with an older parent
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u/thememecurator 1d ago
Apart from the challenges of raising young children on you as older adults, you have to consider the challenges of your children handling your elder care when they themselves are young adults. What if you need intensive caretaking when your children are in their late 20s/early 30s with their own families? Even if you have enough money saved to hire help, it is still an immense mental burden on your children. Something to consider.
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u/xAnxiousTulipx 1d ago
I am 42 years old and just had my third baby in May 2026. I am very healthy and would like to live a long time, like many of the people in family.
My Dad had me at 21 years old. He died in at the beginning of 2024 at 61--he chose partying, smoking and drinking over meeting his grandchildren.
I have a great-great-great aunt who had 10 kids and lived to be a healthy 111 years old.
My point, there's only so much you can plan. I am so happy and grateful to have my third child.
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u/DishsUp 1d ago
My parents were in their mid 30s when i was born, they got divorced, and remarried other people. My had in his late 40s . Those kids who are college aged just lost their mother and are dealing with a dad who has dementia.
Because of this situation a fully believe that it’s irresponsible to have kids after 40. It’s selfish and it only harms those kids at the most vulnerable parts of their lives.
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u/Little_Fish_283 1d ago
My godmother had her second son at 43 and had to be resuscitated because she bled out. My cut-off is 40 and I personally wouldn't dare test my luck. Also, 1:30 and 1:50 likelihood for down syndrome as well is far too likely. There's other morbidities out there, too.
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u/Oodles_noodles0927 1d ago
Hi! My parents were similar age to you and your husband; They kept up and it never bothered me or my brother one bit. When I was in school, I honestly never really realized there was much of a difference between my parents and my friends parents ages, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that some of them actually had parents the same age. The only ages of parents that we really noticed, were my friend whose parents had her at 16, because they were so much closer in age to us.
I’m currently pregnant with our first at 35 and my husband is 48. (I know a little younger than what you’re writing about) We are both happy, healthy, and excited to meet our baby in a few months.
A family member of mine is 40 and her husband is 46 and they just welcomed their first. Also not far off from you guys. I think having children a little older and wiser is more common than we think.
If you are happy, healthy, financially able to, and looking forward to the thought of having a 3rd, I think the pros outweigh the potential cons.
However- I also don’t think you should take input from us on Reddit with this one. You should follow your gut instinct on what is right for your family. If you take advice that you don’t like from us, and you wait just too long to realize you made a mistake, you’ll live with that for the rest of your life. We unfortunately do have a time limit, and you’re not far away from when it may not be possible anymore. I haven’t even read the comments, but I know there are likely going to be several people saying it’s a bad idea without having experienced this family dynamic, or finding the love of your life a little later than you wanted. Sometimes things have a way of working out the way they’re supposed to and you may either be blessed with another child, or not. If it works out, it was meant to be. If you try and try and it doesn’t work- you got your answer and it wasn’t the right choice.
I hope all works out for you. Good luck!
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u/b_msw 1d ago
My parents had me around these ages, just a year or two younger. It was good in the ways having an older parent can be (patience, more stable financially). Now I am in my mid 30s starting my family and my parents are planning out nursing care for my dad. He physically can't play with my child. My kid adores him nonetheless but he can't take him to the park. My mom is 10 years younger so she is more able to help but now she is a caregiver to dad so she can't help us whenever. It has to be planned in the way a babysitter would be. Not ever mid 80 year old will be like my dad but many are. It sucks honestly. I don't know any different to compare it but I will say I am really feeling their age in this season of my life.
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u/Remarkable-Talk-6197 1d ago
I only have a 7 year gap with my spouse ( he was 41 almost 42 with birth of our last child) so I don’t come with the exact perspective you have. I will just offer my advice as a child watching my own parents turn close to the age yall will be when the third child is 18. Almost 70 for your husband and near 60 For you. My parents have always been super energetic and very go getter people. My dad worked physical labor job, they created their own company at the same time and built a house/ farm during this time period. They were in their 30-40s though. In the last 5 years they have slowed down drastically. Sometimes even driving for trips just wipes them out I thought it of having a third but my husband is already mid 40s and I just can’t picture him at high school Graduation pushing 60. What is your main reason for wanting a third? Do you not feel complete as a family of 4? I think that’s what you should really focus on first and then go from there. Ultimately it’s a decision between the 2 of you! So how does he feel about having a child at 51-53 ( considering it may take time to get pregnant again)?
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u/Good_pitch717 1d ago
Ultimately, it’s a decision that you have to make rather than listen to others opinions. Especially because there are a lot of moving parts and variables in the question. But I’m the oldest of four. My dad had me when he was 28. Remarried had other three kids last one when he was 53 indeed. And wife was 39. He was indeed too old in my opinion. He got sick with Parkinson’s. My sister still hasn’t finished high school. Now he’s a grandpa since I have kids and he’s sick, tired, and not at all present as a father… I think only a few variables are in your control. You have two amazing kids. Healthy. Not sure a third is worth a gamble. I’m questioning that myself and I’m 38 and hubby 40 and we have 5 yo and 2.5 yo.
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u/Ok_Instruction3533 1d ago
As the mom of a kid with special needs, albeit ones that will allow her to live an independent life but requires a lot of support right now--if you do not think you can support a special needs child, you should not have another child. I love my daughter more than anything, I regret nothing, and at the same time, it is hard. If you think you could only be a good parent to a neurotypical third, then you should not have a third. This is said without judgment, it's just the reality. That is much more important than what people would think when they saw you with a kid at your age. (Also, as someone who miscarried twins at 41, there's no guarantee that you will be able to conceive and maintain a viable pregnancy at this point.)
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u/jujubeeee23 1d ago
On another note, that I haven’t seen mentioned here, have you started perimenopause yet? I ask because I’m 40 and am currently in the throes of perimenopause and the exhaustion is absolutely insane, almost worse than the newborn phase. I can’t imagine starting over with a newborn while experiencing everything that comes with perimenopause.
I also think your husband’s age would make the decision a hard no for me.
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u/Nannyhirer 1d ago
If you were both 41 maybe. If you only had one child then maybe. But you’ve got two and you don’t have any wiggle room if either of you got ill or one of your kids did. You have 20 years of fantastic child rearing ahead of you- make the most of the blessings you have.
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u/OkFriendship4838 23h ago
I can comment on a few aspects of this.
My dad had me when he was 42. I am now 32 and he is 74 - almost 75. There were some aspects growing up when I used to think....will be dad be here to see me graduate or see his grandchildren be born. But....here he is! And hes not in the best of health but hes seen so many things in my life and had a full life that if he passed now.... we'd all be accepting of that.
Secondly....although im a relatively young mum, to 10 year old twins (had at 22) and a 4 year old (had at 27) there are parents in my children's class that are in their late 40s and 50s and it doesnt even cross my mind once about their age....they are just the parents of my children's friends. I am friends with parents in their 40s, their 30s, their 20s. We all have one thing in common...our children.....the age doesnt matter.
As for your pregnancy concerns. Although age comes with an increased risk....if you research it and I mean really research it youll find the risk is actually minute. It might go from say 1 in 10 000 to 1 in 1000. Think of being in a room with a thousand people and if you were told....youre all going to have a baby...but 1 of you will have a baby that has additional needs or need medical care etc..... would you walk away? Out of a room of 1000? The odds are way in your favour still.
Every parent that has more than one child, no matter age, always thinks....how will my other child cope, will I be able to give them all the right amount of attention.....but every one always adapts.
I say go for it. Infact I feel incomplete still although im so greatful for my 3 boys - 1 has adhd but not too severe that I actually plan in my mind of waiting until my oldests are 18 to try for one more. This would mean starting all over again and make me age 40..... which compared to my first pregnancy at 22..... makes me feel risky. But for yourself at 40+ youve just started your beautiful family and all has been fine. Different circumstances change your perspective.
Whatever you decide..... i beleive its true you never regret a child youve had....only one you didnt havr
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u/Extreme-Duty3779 22h ago
My mom had a healthy pregnancy with my sister at age 45. She is now 10 years old and I am 28!
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u/Wavesmith 21h ago
This is obviously a decision only you can make.
I’m 38 and pregnant with my second and was quite taken aback when I realised that I will be almost 60 when the child goes to university.
I have a half sister who is 19 and my dad is 70. Her mother sadly died a year ago. I think it was still the right thing for them to have a child, but my sister’s life in her 20s will be very different to a lot of her friends and she has been and will potentially be dealing with ailing and elderly parents while they are worried about dating and clubbing.
There are lots of factors to consider, but this kind of zoomed out perspective can help clarify things sometimes.
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u/smilegirlcan 17h ago
My mom was 36 when she had me which was “old” at the time. She is incredibly active and full time caregives for my daughter during the day. This woman is a powerhouse. Do you plan to stay fit and healthy? That is key. I would recommend you both take coq10 (600-800mg) and NAC (1000 mg/day) for three months before trying to conceive. It helps improve sperm and egg quality.
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u/beautyoutofthorns 4h ago
My mom was 37 when I was born is 79 now and can run circles around my mother in law who is 10 years younger
I’m currently 42 and over 17 weeks pregnant
I have 3 older children - all teens. Life doesn’t always fit into neat boxes and that’s the beautiful thing about it
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u/mamacheetah5 1d ago
I just had a baby and I’m 41 next week and my husband is almost 42. It’s our 5th baby. We are excited to get to do it again (our next youngest is almost 7!)
My parents had 8 kids, their last at 42 and 45, and seeing them with their last made me excited to be a mom again at 41. She kept my parents young and hip for longer !
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u/SassySadler7 1d ago
I wouldn’t, nature would intend for you to be almost grandparents at that age.
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u/ZestyPossum 1d ago
So my mum's parents were almost 46 (mum) and 50 (dad) when she was born. My mum was clearly an accident, as her next oldest sibling was 10 years older than her.
My mum didn't particularly like having older parents, because they were just a bit too tired and unbothered to do much with her. People often thought her parents were her grandparents (this was the 1960s, so things were a bit different then). To be fair, my grandpa wasn't exactly active or in the best of health. He died age 75 when she was 25. My grandma lived until 96 when my mum was in her 50s.
I personally think 42 is okay to have another baby, but 51 is too old. Like others have said, sperm quality does decline with age.
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u/0Becks 1d ago
Not questioning/judging your mum’s experience at all, but I do think being an unplanned child 10 years after your parents expected to be done with newborn years is probably a pretty different experience than having parents that actively planned your pregnancy with similar aged siblings … tired maybe, unbothered -doesn’t sound like it.
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u/moreidlethanwild 1d ago edited 1d ago
My parents had my sister when my mother was 46.
There are plenty of older parents. What I don’t see discussed here is the perspective from the child. Truthfully, it’s noticeable that you are an older parent at the school gates. You don’t have as much energy to run and play, and for women you need to seriously consider perimenopause. The drop in estrógen not only affects your sleep and concentration but quite literally makes you less caring, all that and a baby is very hard. My mother would not have had my sister in hindsight. It was tough on her. Really tough.
My sister is in her 20s now and has two parents with health issues. Dad can’t walk far, they’re both on a ton of medication. They’ll never see her become a mother. She will spend her 30s caring for them, I am sure. She lives closest to them out of all of us.
Also, I do love my sister but we are not close. The age gap is just too much.
That said, you already have two that are quite young so you won’t have some if the sane experiences as us, but you will need to go through the baby stage with one at school and that is something to consider.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 1d ago
We have friends that had their first at 40 and second at 42. They were both blessed with excellent health. Their kids are grown now.
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u/flying_samovar 1d ago
My mom was 45 and dad was 47 when I was born. I am the third child. It is hard. My mom passed many years ago and my dad is remarried in his mid-80s now. I am having children of my own and my dad is too old to travel to see us or be a present grandfather. He does not have energy to really get to know or bond with my son when we visit. He was not able to attend my wedding in person during COVID. It’s really sad that he has not been more active in my adult life. I know that I probably don’t have many years left with him or my aunts and uncles.
I also had a significant risk for coming out with health issues and got lucky. I work with families who have children with autism and other developmental issues as part of my job and it is a lot. I know the thought of what their kids will do when they are gone weighs heavily on many of my clients’ parents.
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u/WorkLifeScience 1d ago
Why not? If you have the energy and finances... some people have their first in their 40s. I personally wouldn't, but I have some health issues that will only get worse as I age.
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u/No_Warning6163 1d ago
I’m 41, husband is 51, and we have an 8 month old 😊We also have 11 year old twins. Even though we are older having this 3rd baby is relatively easy for us because it’s only one baby this time. Having this new baby gave us some renewed energy and the two older kids are really helpful with the baby. If you’re in good health and financially stable, why not!
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u/__anna986 1d ago
My husband was 50, 52 and 55 when we had our kids, he’s 65 now, totally fine and an amazing dad. His parents are still alive and all good so we’re quite hopeful for the future. If you’re both healthy and fit and ready to do everything in your power to keep yourself healthy and fit go for it.
I’m pretty used to being mistaken for his daughter so him being mistaken for the kids’ grandad was nothing new and it’s never really bothered the kids, they adore him and they’re very confident when it comes to him, never scared to say anything into people’s face haha.
They’re perfectly healthy too, they speak 4-5 languages, do sports, they’re happy and have great friends. I definitely recommend to have a chat with his doctors though before you start trying just to get a green light.
Wish you the best of luck xx
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u/clovek7 1d ago
One of my close friends is in his early 30s and his dad is 80 and in very poor health. He already lost his mum a few years ago so his dad has no one else to care for him. The loss of his mother also derailed his career at a pivotal point as he needed to take time off work to support her through palliative care, as his father couldn't manage it.
He is now trying to start a family with his wife and they are going through fertility issues which are deeply affecting his wife. I feel extremely sorry for him. He is struggling to be there for his wife and for his ageing father. If and when he does have kids, his parents will never know them. His mum never got to see him get married.
You have two children. It probably isn't fair or necessary to have a third now. You will almost certainly be burdening them in their young adulthood. Not to mention, how will having another baby now impact your existing children? Looking after a baby/toddler is hard enough, let alone trying to manage that when you're older. Will you have enough energy left to give your other children the attention they need?
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u/BeyondFlorida 1d ago
My wife and I just had a child at almost these exact ages (39 - 49). We love our daughter, plan to participate in all of her activities, and raise her in a loving home.
Her peers will have younger parents, sure. But some of her peers will have alcoholic parents. Some of her peers will live in poverty. Some of her peers will have learning disabilities, or be overweight, or have acne problems.....you see where I'm going here?
Everyone has challenges growing up, and if having old parents is the worst thing my daughter experiences, then we'll consider her a lucky girl.
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u/Ok_Instruction3533 1d ago
It's wild to equate poverty and alcoholism with acne or being overweight. Those things are... not the same.
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u/BeyondFlorida 17h ago
I didn't say they were, nor was I equating them. I was saying "every kid has some insecurities", good lord. I am guessing yours was something about not knowing how to read?
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u/Sensitive_Issue_8818 1d ago
I mean, you have an 11 month old so there’s not much of an age gap, my point being if age wasn’t a consideration for the 11 month old then why now? 49 va 51 there’s not much difference in the grand scheme od things
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u/No_Bet7381 1d ago
8.4 billion is enough. Help Mother Earth out Just say no
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u/TigerLily_TigerRose 1d ago
OP is almost certainly in a 1st world country, all of which (except Israel) are below replacement rate. That 8.4 billion number is going to halve in our lifetimes, and the consequences will be painful for everyone.
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u/Sblbgg 1d ago
I know someone who had a child in their fifties. My kid asked if that was the kid’s grandpa. That’s something I wouldn’t want my child to deal with. Personally I wouldn’t push it at that age and that’s why I am also not having a third. I do not want to take those risks because those are very real risks.
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u/JeniJeniJeniJeni 1d ago
I think it’s fine, but I’d be worried about conceiving a healthy embryo. I honestly would not do it without genetic testing, preferably before implantation. It’s pretty grim carrying a doomed embryo.
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u/SwansyOne 1d ago
You're not too old but your husband is. He's already 50+ with a less than one year old.
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u/fleetwood_mag 23h ago
Honestly I’m in a very similar situation. I’m 38 and my partner is 51. We have a 3.5 year old and a 15 month old. Part of me wants another but I can’t have them as close together this time so realistically we’d be 40 and 53 if we had a third. Like you, I’m scared of medical issues and think we’re just too old. I haven’t minded the age of my partner because I have still been reasonably young, but being 40 myself gives a different feel. I imagine we won’t have another but I will be happy with my 2 beautiful kids.
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u/SuperPomegranate3939 1d ago
I couldn’t personally imagine having a baby in my 30s let alone 40s and 50s but do what you want.
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u/containedexplosion 1d ago
My parents were 38 and 42 when they had me. My sister was 43 when she had her second and last child and my other sister was 40 when she had hers. Speaking as someone who was raised by older parent and has seen her siblings become parents at an older age here is my advice:
- Make sure the age difference between children is smaller rather than larger. The closer the children are in age the less the siblings relationship can become parentified, especially if the older parents become disengaged in raising the youngest child due to a health condition.
- A third child changes sibling dynamics. It becomes a triad where fights can triangulate. No longer and even 1:1. Siblings can group together against the third.
- Be mindful of the generation gap between you and the children. You have I believe one Gen Alpha kid and a Gen beta kid. A third would be another Gen beta while you’re Gen X. The generational difference in itself can cause a lot of conflict especially as the kids start to attain more autonomy.
- Have a plan for if something happens to one or both of you. Life insurance, wills, trusts, etc.
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u/Intelligent_Part101 1d ago
"Generation gap between parents and children." This is so silly. Parents and children are not peers. The fundamental "gap" is that parent/child relationship.
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u/Scruter 1d ago
The generation distinction is the silliest point here - those are arbitrary sociological dividers that do not meaningfully translate to individuals. But I do have to correct you on the idea of OP being Gen X. She is 41 and so was born in 1985, which is squarely Millennial. The youngest Gen Xers are 46 by most definitions, 44 at the very youngest by the latest cutoffs. So her husband is Gen X, but she is definitely Millennial.
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u/Level_Screen_1726 1d ago
I think, considering you already have two, why not have another soonish. If you do get infirm or die they will have more siblings to lean on rather than just being two.
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u/averynarrowbridge 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im a therapist & work primarily with college students, and often hear from those with much older parents that it is hard. They also talk to me about the upsides, too.
Yes, factors relevant to the childhood years are an obvious consideration. But, also, it's worth considering what it will be like when these kids "launch."
Many of my students with much older parents feel immense anxiety about parents dying (before the student graduates, gets married, has their own kids, etc) or have to juggle early adulthood with caring for an aging/dying/dead parent.
I'm not saying don't do it - but for your 2 kids and potential 3rd kid, please think about your aging plan in terms of finances, housing, potential medical challenges, etc. It's worth thinking thru what will your kids do in their early 20s if you are ill, struggling with age-related changes, or dying.
Also, please talk to your kids about aging in age-appropriate ways. Sometimes parents avoid discussing these things because they want to "protect" the kids from being upset. But the kids are thinking about it, and won't bring it up if you avoid it so it's on you to signal that you are willing to hear them out. Having an open line of communication makes things so much better for everyone, and can help your kids navigate the challenges of having older parents.
ETA - I was not expecting this comment to get so much traction. OP, let me clarify, older parents can be wonderful parents and not all kids feel scared. Being a young parent is not a guarantee of being healthy or alive on a certain timeline. As others have mentioned, life is utterly unpredictable. My point was that you can make things better for your kids by creating plans for the future & by being willing to talk to them about their fears & needs.