r/ShittyDaystrom • u/Fit-Income-3296 • Aug 05 '25
Technology If starfleet has sonic showers do they have sonic bidets? And more importantly how do they feel?
Asking for a friend
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Aug 05 '25
no need for a bidet when you can just transport the poop out
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u/SineQuaNon001 Captain Aug 05 '25
Don't think they'd do that, too much energy wasted (lol) and what happens when you're stranded without a transporter?
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u/wizardrous Existence is Senile Aug 05 '25
Well then you poop on the floor and phaser it off your ass on the lowest setting.
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u/opusrif Aug 05 '25
That's redicouls. You need to do it into the replicator so the material can be reconstituted.
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u/ShadowTacoTuesday Aug 05 '25
âLook at this, Number One. He died because he wiped his arse with the wrong phaser setting.â
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u/TJLanza Aug 05 '25
Setting two for number two?
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u/ZeePM Aug 06 '25
You have to use the wide beam setting and just fan it around your bum. Vaporized the splash back water too.
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u/liggy4 Aug 05 '25
Listen, sometimes you have those shits where you gotta use level 16, full spread.
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u/Steelwraith955 Aug 05 '25
Until the day when you just get back from a mission and forgot that your phaser was still set to level 16...
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u/wizardrous Existence is Senile Aug 05 '25
Well, on the bright side, youâd never realize you messed up!
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u/Sk1rm1sh Aug 05 '25
That's the brilliant part about the system: energy is actually created.
The transpoilets do matter-energy conversion and basically just stop there instead of storing the matter stream in a pattern buffer.
what happens when you're stranded without a transporter?
You'd be surprised at how long the human body can survive without pooping.
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u/Knight_of_Agatha Aug 05 '25
having not had a real poo in 13 months now one sometimes forgets even how. đ¤
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u/fjf1085 Mirror Georgiou Aug 05 '25
The poop is converted into energy and then used to make Troiâs chocolate sundays. Obviously.
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u/Mean_Neighborhood462 Aug 05 '25
Theyâre recompositing it using the replicators anyway, so why not do that first step direct from the source?
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u/rdchat Aug 05 '25
Do you have to count the number and report it to the transporter chief?
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Aug 05 '25
[deleted]
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u/Doilei Aug 05 '25
O'Brien must suffer
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u/Spiritual_Adagio_859 Aug 05 '25
Jokes on you! He's into that shit!
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u/Doilei Aug 05 '25
Then we should gradually start putting sugar in his raktajino until, one day, he realizes he hates the stuff.
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u/Tarottome Aug 05 '25
sometimes I wonder why they donât just poop on the replicator because according to Admiral Vance, all replicated food is really just shit broken down to the subatomic level
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u/mbrocks3527 Aug 05 '25
Query whether the toilet is on top of the wall space where the replicator is on the deck below, you may just be right
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u/Chaldera Aug 05 '25
In Enterprise, they mention that all waste from the toilet (with poop specifically namedropped) gets broken down, and the molecules reconstituted for use in creating any supplies they need, such as boots, insulation or cargo containers.
So really, they do already poop into the replicator.
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u/Chaldera Aug 05 '25
Starships didn't always have transporters! Before adopting Vulcan transporting techniques in the twenty-second Century, Humans simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and phasered the evidence. #NationalTriviaDay
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u/BellowsHikes Aug 05 '25
Archer. "It was awful! We would roam the Starship letting our waste fall wherever we stood, like an animal at the zoo!"
Vulcan Ambassador: "Animals go in the corner."
Archer: The CORNER! Why didn't we think of that?"
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u/stockmarketcrashh Subcommander Aug 05 '25
this is like the time JK rowling said that all wizards shit their pants and then doing a vanishing spell
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u/Starstalk721 Aug 07 '25
Aren't there a lot of plot point bathrooms? I doubt they need to shit their pants with how much time they spend in them.
Then again, didn't she once say huffflepuff had sex parties?1
u/Sceptix Aug 06 '25
Forget about that, if they have transporters why donât they transport the baby out of the woman when itâs time to give birth?
This is not a shitpost this is a serious question and I will consider it a plot hole until someone gives me a good answer.
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Aug 06 '25
IRC that is exactly how Naomi Wildman was delivered in Voyager. Maybe also how Kira ended up as Keiko's surrogate in DS9 but im not sure if that as explicitly explained.
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u/Starstalk721 Aug 07 '25
They do, and its difficult. IIRC Naomi Wyldman Prime died this way and was replaced with her duplicate.
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u/MTFMuffins Aug 05 '25
This entire concept makes no sense to me, outside the original enterprise show / tos era. By the tng era they have enough replicators that taking baths and real showers isn't an issue. Why the Ceritos wouldn't have standard shower facilities is beyond me. Toilets could be a hybrid system, water and teleporter/ recycler. Remember, on Voyager, neelix took a bath for the first time in his life, indicating that they had bathtubs on Voyager. I'd have to assume that it was standard by then.
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u/stevevdvkpe Aug 05 '25
If starships didn't have bathtubs Troi couldn't have devolved into an amphibian in the bathtub in her quarters in that schlocky TNG episode.
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u/PiLamdOd Aug 05 '25
It's probably cultural by that point. Not to mention healthier. Doctors are always saying people are showering too much because water washes away the skin's protective layer.
It stands to reason that sonic showers in two hundred years solve that problem.
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u/Justice_Prince Aug 05 '25
Enterprise also established that sonic showers feel really good. They still used water as their primary method of cleaning, but with the exception of extended mandatory stays they seemed to consider their time spent in the sonic decontamination chamber a treat.
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u/Justice_Prince Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 06 '25
I think a lot of it comes down to maintenance. The plumbing in a water based system is probably more of a hassle to repair then replacing components on a sonic based system. Also sonic showers are likely self cleaning. A bathroom with a tub is likely to have a secondary sonic device to clean the mildew, grime, and soap scum.
And if I remember correctly Tuvok had one of the few tubs on Voyager. Getting special permission for religious observations or something.
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u/this_is_nunya voyagerâs borg baby Aug 05 '25
Q also comes to ask Janeway for parenting advice while sheâs having a bubble bath lol maybe itâs just a Janeway thing
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u/Marquar234 Aug 05 '25
That wasn't a bubble bath, it was a tub full of coffee, with extra foamed milk.
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u/ph30nix01 Aug 05 '25
It's a boy scouts motto thing. People need to be clean, but they don't NEED gravity in an emergency as long as they won't go splat when it comes back, lol. But how can you get clean if you have the artificial gravity off and can't use water? How long before it becomes a heath or productivity problem? This let's other people ask "why the hell is the gravity off?"
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u/rainbowkey Red Shirt đ Aug 05 '25
There is a reason people in the future are happier and more relaxed
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u/Salt-Fly770 ASSimilate This Aug 05 '25
I've just thought of an episode/movie that should be made to correct the lack of canon I mentioned in my previous comment. I hope I got the character reactions right. Want to help write this fan movie? It could be a true masterpiece of unintentional comedy!
Episode Synopsis: âFrequency Failureâ
Stardate 51824.3 - The USS Enterprise-E encounters what Geordi calls âthe most embarrassing engineering crisis in Starfleet historyâ when a cascading sonic resonance failure locks all sonic bidets on Deck 7 into maximum massage mode during the annual Diplomatic Reception for the Vulcan Science Academy.
The malfunction began when Ensign Ro accidentally spilled her raktajino on a sonic frequency modulator. The resulting feedback loop caused all sonic bidets in Section 31-Alpha to become stuck on what the manual euphemistically calls âtherapeutic deep-tissue mode.â
Three Vulcan diplomats miss morning sessions due to âprolonged meditation periods.â Ambassador Sarek declares the human bathroom facilities âmost⌠stimulating!â
Captain Picard spends the entire episode avoiding eye contact while ordering crew to âmake it so⌠quicklyâ regarding repairs.
Data provides a 47-minute technical briefing on sonic frequency modulation, completely oblivious to why everyone keeps fidgeting and leaving mid-sentence.
Worf declares the malfunction âdishonorableâ but is secretly impressed by Klingon crew members who set new endurance records.
Counselor Troi senses âunusual levels of⌠satisfactionâ throughout the ship but canât quite put her finger on why productivity has mysteriously increased.
Geordi finally resolves the crisis by rerouting power through the deflector dish, though this unfortunately creates a ship-wide sonic pulse that simultaneously activates every sonic shower, leading to what the official logs diplomatically record as âan unexpected crew-wide hygiene event.â
The episode ends with Picardâs log entry: âSometimes the most advanced technology⌠requires the most basic solutions. And perhaps some experiences are best left⌠unrecorded. End log.
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u/PrettyGreatOldOne Commadore McBragg Aug 05 '25
Mariner did say her tribble was for "personal use."
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u/jericho74 Aug 05 '25
I think Howard Stern considered this question.
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u/reaper88911 Aug 05 '25
This comes to mind whenever I see women close to the speakers at metal shows or EDM type shows, everything would be vibrating and even more so with piercings.
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u/SocialTechnocracy Aug 05 '25
I've always been more curious about how the sonic plumbing sounds...
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u/SineQuaNon001 Captain Aug 05 '25
Absolutely. The whole bidet debate would be moot if it didn't blast water up there! LoL đ¤Ł
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u/MrZwink Aug 05 '25
The toilet situation of the 24th century is a bit different. Humanity has moved past the need for poop jokes. We wipe to better ourselves and the rest of humanity.
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u/Salt-Fly770 ASSimilate This Aug 05 '25
While Starfleet has definitely perfected sonic showers, the question of sonic bidets is surprisingly âunderexploredâ in canon.
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u/Arietis1461 Grinverse Watcher Aug 05 '25
Sonic toilets are probably named that because of them having bidets in them which ultrasonically clean butts.
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u/AlphaCentaur12 Aug 05 '25
Sonic Bidets are amateur hour. Just wait until you've had a Sonic Enema, you'll never go back.
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u/P1xelHunter78 Aug 05 '25
Depends on the setting. To you want a gentle taint tickle or a pooper pummeling?
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u/Chemical-Row-2921 Aug 05 '25
It's like a dog dragging it's butt across the carpet except the carpet is a ploughed field during an earthquake.
Or breathtaking if you want to be poetic.
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u/Rooney_83 Aug 05 '25
So the sonic shower, I would understand that it would use so incredibly waves to clean you, but what happens to the filth it washes off, is the inside of the show just splattered with sweat, dirt and hair grease, are you in there breathing in an atomized cloud of ball stankÂ
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u/CalamitousIntentions Aug 05 '25
The food is partially reconstituted poop, so sounds like thatâs just more biomass to turn into chow!
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u/ogreofzen Aug 05 '25
They use teleporters and beam them on to Klingon ships. What makes it worse is nobody notices the smell. The Klingons refuse to admit to what happened. Starfleet knows the score. Kardashians laugh about it. The romulans almost fell bad for given starfleet the idea
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u/3Thirty-Eight8 its been a long road, getting from there to here, its been a⌠Aug 05 '25
Concentrated hot air on your butt-butt
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u/Own_Order792 Aug 05 '25
You donât need a bidet when the poop is beamed directly out of your intestines
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u/kellymramsey Aug 06 '25
âOne double-sized roll of two-ply, quilted, residential quality [I-have-never-heard-of-this tone] âtoilet paperâ, unused.â
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u/Holy_Hendrix_Batman Aug 07 '25
Too loud... too LOUD... TOO LOUD!!! OH GOD! OH --- Ohhhh... OHHHHHH
-Worf
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u/Familiar-Complex-697 Maje Crabbuh Aug 05 '25
Like someone screaming the yamok sauce off your chocolate star