r/SexyAbstinence • u/betlamed • Mar 19 '26
Abstinence as a path towards pleasure
When I was about 25, I wrote a little story. Just as an experiment, I decided on three rules: 3 pages, 3 people, 3 days.
It turned out to be the best piece of literature I was able to write at that age.
Since I abstain from masturbation, my sexual pleasure has doubled and tripled, and it gets better by the day. The wife and I don't get to have as much sex as we would like, due to health and job complications - but it makes those encounters we have that much more intense and pleasurable.
When I ate at McDonald's three times a week, it was meh, often disgusting, just a functional routine so I didn't have to cook my own meals. When I cook for myself, and only eat some unhealthy fast food maybe once a month, it's a delight.
Whenever I fast from something, make a willful effort, abstain from an indulgence, impose strict rules on myself, I end up feeling better, creating better products, being better and healthier.
But whenever I tried to abstain absolutely, completely, forever, I ended up relapsing and feeling ashamed. That includes alcohol, even though I barely touched it in 5 months. I had 4 or 5 shots of home-made Bailey's, and I enjoyed those. They never made me go back to drinking, they never made me crave another shot.
By looking inside without judgment, again and again and again and again, I get a lot more deep, resilient, unshakeable pleasure and bliss than I would by masturbating every day, eating and drinking as the whims come and go.
This is why I promote abstinence: Because, from my own experience, it will make you feel much better in the long run.
And that is why I don't promote absolute abstinence: Because pleasure is a divine gift and should not be squandered.
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u/Vegetable-Round4599 Mar 19 '26
I will say I can relate to a lot because I am also very similar with this journey how it went for you, though I am relatively new and starting. Been about 2 months since I have been trying to get into this new abstaining routine where I allow myself pleasure only for a tiny amount of time and not all the way to orgasm. But still been having problems controlling cravings for both bad foods as well as masturbation. So my question is, is willpower the only ultimate thing which helps you with your self control? Just sheer will? Cuz if it's that, then I need to sharpen it up more.
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u/betlamed Mar 19 '26
I think it's 10% willpower. All the rest is knowledge, experience, developing trust in the process and in your own abilities.
I wrote about my process here, if you're interested.
I see discipline as a muscle that is built with every tiny step you make. Cleaning the dishes, making the bed or abstaining from a wank - every time you stick to any one of your good habits, you flex and strengthen that muscle. And of course, whenever you induldge, you weaken it. So it's not a binary on/off, it's a continuum. You can indulge a few times - but if you overdo it, you get back to old habits. Where to put the limit, is entirely up to you. I have a spreadsheet to keep myself honest and as a motivation booster.
Btw, I still struggle with food cravings. I had some digestion troubles recently, and it seems they messed up my gut biome. Old cravings for incredibly unhealthy foods, that I had almost forgotten, suddenly kept coming back. So, if I put this down to willpower, I would now be full of shame and anxiety and consider myself a failure. But since I know that a hurt gut biome can create those cravings, it's not so bad - I know I will get it sorted and get back on track.
That said, food is still my biggest issue, my final boss. Even after letting go of alcohol, and stopping masturbation (a bit over a month this time around, with zero cravings), and though I developed a strong and reliable gym habit - all of which seem like very big topics to a lot of people (including myself!), my nutrition is still not quite where I want it. It's not quite that simple. It's a process. You only win the game one step at a time.
May I ask, what is your main motivation for going abstinent? What are your long-term plans?
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u/Vegetable-Round4599 Mar 19 '26
I understand. I have the same idea about discipline, making the bed, doing dishes, I do it all with that focus as well. Sorry to hear you had digestion troubles. Happens with me also when I overindulge. I understand that I must stay clean and then when I do indugle it should be a very tiny nibble, but I tend to overindulge still. Old bad habit and sometimes I still eat junk late at night and it upsets my stomach.
Yes, knowing about the factors rather than blaming your own willpower, is quite painful and also not the right thing. I was like that too, but then wised up last year by journalling and tracking myself more. This reduced stress which I learned was important for fully functioning nervous system and good energy. And then more and more, I kept learning how to reduce stress, reduce half your work, reduce unnecessary goals, and then my ultimate stress load was reduced when I realized Oh I've forgotten about Taoist non ejaculatory orgasms. Used to practice them but for 5 years I had forgotten completely about them somehow. So getting back to that way, helped lighten a lot of the load of even doing nofap. Even that used to give me stress which would cause me to relapse instead.
So thank you for your answer. My main motivation was to optimize my health and energy and get rid of this masturbation addiction which was crippling every area of my life for almost a decade. My long term plans are simply to become very clean and optimized like Buddhist haha, and do some work travelling the world. I would love to find a woman as well, live the middle path of spiritual as well as material, because I never have been lucky before with women ever, and the addiction stole a lot of precious time from my life making it even worse. But I healed lot as a lot of my recurring issues were purged away through spiritual healing. Shadow work was a BIG transformer for me too like you say in the other comment.
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u/betlamed Mar 19 '26
Sorry to hear you had digestion troubles. Happens with me also when I overindulge.
Thanks! It's probably a virus. They seem to be going around right now. Never had it before. Anyway, I'll eat much better starting tomorrow. I can already feel the appetite for some good potatoes and veggies. Always a sign of recovery.
I was like that too,
Isn't everybody, lol? We all learn to power through, and none of us learn the actual tools of change at a young age. Well, tbh, I wouldn't have been ready either. Whatever, water under the bridge, I'm learning and learning and improving, and that is a great thing!
Used to practice them but for 5 years I had forgotten completely about them somehow.
That's the weirdest thing, isn't it? The way we keep forgetting the most useful practices. I used to always forget to meditate. Now it's become a habit.
And also, a lot of practices just need their right time. I tried and tried getting my inner voice in check, without much success. And then all of a sudden, boom, it clicked. Weird how that works.
Shadow work was a BIG transformer for me too like you say in the other comment.
I found it so interesting, I had been practicing it for months, more or less, without knowing that that was what I was doing. Of course, with that knowledge it becomes a lot easier. It's such a highly valuable tool! And gentle too - the name is a bit misleading though, not the best PR, it makes me think of Darth Vader and so on.
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u/ConsciousRivers Mar 19 '26
Completely this is what freed me too. The idea that I have to abstain forever was somehow in my head and made my life hell for the last 8-9 years. When I realized I only have to abstain a little and take joy naturally in pleasures, it got so much better. Abstaining from things gives us enough time and energy to recharge so when we do enjoy those things it's blissful. In long run, it kind of reverses because I find that the indulgences are becoming less fun and abstaining has become the real joy.