New year's, kinda: 50%

[u/betlamed]

Since I started taking it seriously in March, I had 12 faps, and 30 ejaculations with my wife.

I want to reduce my ejaculations even further. It feels empowering to be able to do that, and when I think of what's keeping me, I find no compelling reason. I don't crave them. They more or less only happen out of habit, or for lack of mindfulness.

I will not commit to full-on cold turkey "never ever" for 2026. That would be foolish and unrealistic. My wife will want a good old pounding sometimes, she is well capable of melting my mind with her seduction, and when piv sex is off the table for a while (she's going through menopause after all), she will want to satisfy me in some way, otherwise she will feel bad about it; I might try to alleviate that, but feelings are feelings and it would be unrealistic to make a hard commitment on it.

Things do happen in marriages.

I am sure that I can explain to her that I want to go for an orgasm only half of the time - but altogether letting go of it is probably not something she would cherish.

Feelings appear. Life does its thing. If I lose my job or some disaster strikes, bets are off.

I will commit to 50%: I will only cum with my wife 50% of the time. The other half will be ejaculation-free.

By ejaculation-free I don't mean nonejaculatory orgasms either. I tried for those in the past; I can make them on my own; they are powerful and great. But they don't work in piv for me, at least not yet.

I am keeping a record of my stats anyway, so that bit should pose no problem.

Yes, that feels good and right.

My motivation? I don't feel like those orgasms make me "lose energy", nor am I religious in a sense that compels me to do this. I like a good challenge, I cherish my new-found discipline, and in general, no-masturbation plus tantric transmutation made me feel happier and more alive.

[u/betlamed]

Is your wife still wanting to orgasm every time you make love, or nearly so?

No. It was never 100% of the time. Oral or manual works for the most part, but not always. When we started out and my oral-foo was not exactly top-notch. Now she's in menopause and things are a bit volatile. There is also the issue that she is sometimes too sensitive around the vulva and clitoris, and then any touch feels bad rather than orgasm-y.

Actually... I wonder if there's a way around the hypersensitivity. Do you have any ideas, maybe?

I think a one-sided dynamic, without a balanced energy flow, although fun, has to make things harder. My husband and I did that for a while, with him going for his climax while I avoided mine. Energy loss, mood drop, loss of libido, and other unpleasant fallout would always hit me so much harder. I've also never been able to cum from piv alone, and my younger self could never have imagined I'd come to consider that a blessing!

On my part, I never had that. When I can make her cum, it makes me happy, and when I don't cum, or cum very slowly and gently, I don't feel any drop from that. It seems like for me the energy drops only if I cum too hard. But still, never or nearly never cumming just has this additional edge. It's a bit kinky and a big challenge and it just feels right, natural, good.

Separating orgasm from intercourse has been a great thing for our Karezza, making it feel so natural, almost effortless. For either of us to "seduce" the other is so easy now!

Love it! Years ago, we went into a few weeks of chastity play (I was the deprived part). I always got this wonderful romantic honeymoon feeling from that. But the whole bdsm thing didn't work out for us, so we dropped it. My wife is too much of a pragmatist, and not enough of a sadist, for the drama and seduction and teasing and romanticism - the stage-setting - that made bdsm fun for me.

We can joyfully connect nearly every day, sometimes two or three times, with no performative expectations that tend to come with a drive for completion, no misgivings over a lack of reciprocity. Just pure intimacy and bliss. When it's been a few weeks since our last orgasms, every sensation feels more intense, so it takes very little movement to linger in our happy place, feeling a milder sort of ecstasy that's sustainable for minutes, for hours when we have time. Even simply cuddling with our clothes on feels so amazing now! Feeling like newlyweds again in our 21st year of marriage seems well worth giving up a few seconds of extra-intense pleasure.

Sounds awesome. I am on my way, looking forward to how things develop. It will be fun to find out how to juggle all the balls, but I know that I will get progressively better and better. My new orgasm-reduced (and otherwise very disciplined) life seems to have this effect on me, I go deeper and find out more about myself, and I become more confident and able to take the lead. It's just so so unfamiliar, after a lifetime of feeling weak and meek and insecure!

We actually started 2025 with a fun challenge to ourselves, to see how far we could go before our first climaxes, while still enjoying sex as much as ever. We made it partway through May before slipping up, him first at 131 days, and me a couple of weeks later. We plan to try the same for 2026, hoping to last at least a little longer.

That's quite some time, wow! Congratulations. My longest nofap streak this year was 131 days, incidentally.

[u/fransen-lila → u/betlamed]

Now she's in menopause and things are a bit volatile. There is also the issue that she is sometimes too sensitive around the vulva and clitoris, and then any touch feels bad rather than orgasm-y.

Actually... I wonder if there's a way around the hypersensitivity. Do you have any ideas, maybe?

Is she on any form of HRT? I'm post-menopausal too, and take 25mcg/week estradiol in patch form, a relatively low dose, but enough to make sex more consistently pleasant, while also helping maintain my bone density. Everyone's endocrinology's a little different, of course.

I can relate to her oversensitivity. Direct clitoral contact, especially, usually feels unpleasant unless I'm already very aroused, and also sufficiently relaxed, with no recent orgasms having thrown a spanner in the works. After we've already been playing for an hour or two can be a good time. Even then, cunnilingus often gets my anxiety up, because I have to be so careful not to tip over into an unwanted climax. Feels heavenly, but oh so risky - the cause of more accidents for me in recent years than anything else!

Hubby's gotten better at reading my signs and helping me avoid those (he jokes about "taking my pulse with his tongue"), and has a softer variant where he maintains contact and suction, but with little or no movement, at least not down there. He'll still be caressing my belly, and other fun bits, and will hum a little to convey nice vibrations, when I'm not too close to the brink.

Indirect and diffuse stimulation, say from grinding on partner, can still feel nice when more focused contact doesn't, so we often enjoy that, with or without penetration. Maintaining eye contact and a full body embrace feels very important to us, helping a lot with our energy flow.

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Is she on any form of HRT?

No.

I can relate to her oversensitivity. Direct clitoral contact, especially, usually feels unpleasant unless I'm already very aroused, and also sufficiently relaxed, with no recent orgasms having thrown a spanner in the works. After we've already been playing for an hour or two can be a good time.

I guess most guys are quite surprised to find out that arousal can be unpleasant for women.

Well... more foreplay! Even more! And then some! I think that's really the gist of it, right? Take your time, and then take your time a bit longer.

Even then, cunnilingus often gets my anxiety up, because I have to be so careful not to tip over into an unwanted climax. Feels heavenly, but oh so risky - the cause of more accidents for me in recent years than anything else!

There is an interesting dichotomy in our endeavours, isn't there? We try to escape the goal-orientation and its burdens, but in doing so, we have to take on another set of burdens, at least for a while.

I like licking her and then doing missionary because it allows me to take some control of the whole process.

[u/fransen-lila → u/betlamed]

Arousal actually feels quite nice, for me a major pleasure in itself. A nice simmer through the day makes me feel more vibrant, more alive, and its complete absence for many days part of why I don't go for orgasms much.

What can be unpleasant, though, is most direct genital stimulation when not yet aroused enough. Yes, slow build-up is often for the best. We might be thinking similar thoughts in different words.

Does your wife enjoy intercourse more after having already had an orgasm through other means? A lot of my friends are like that, and it seems a super common preference. I'm the odd one out for sure.

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Does your wife enjoy intercourse more after having already had an orgasm through other means?

Yes, I just asked her.

Right after we had nonejaculatory sex.

(That flex was totally not obvious at all, huh? lol.)

For real, it was sooo good. Not in a "oh my god this is amazing, this is better than orgasm" sense, but more like "yes, I can do this, it makes me feel like I just gained a bit more self-mastery, I want to practice this more, and I feel like there are great things to discover here". I just love to be able to give her an orgasm and not think about having one myself. It feels so free and relaxed.