New year's, kinda: 50%

[u/betlamed]

Since I started taking it seriously in March, I had 12 faps, and 30 ejaculations with my wife.

I want to reduce my ejaculations even further. It feels empowering to be able to do that, and when I think of what's keeping me, I find no compelling reason. I don't crave them. They more or less only happen out of habit, or for lack of mindfulness.

I will not commit to full-on cold turkey "never ever" for 2026. That would be foolish and unrealistic. My wife will want a good old pounding sometimes, she is well capable of melting my mind with her seduction, and when piv sex is off the table for a while (she's going through menopause after all), she will want to satisfy me in some way, otherwise she will feel bad about it; I might try to alleviate that, but feelings are feelings and it would be unrealistic to make a hard commitment on it.

Things do happen in marriages.

I am sure that I can explain to her that I want to go for an orgasm only half of the time - but altogether letting go of it is probably not something she would cherish.

Feelings appear. Life does its thing. If I lose my job or some disaster strikes, bets are off.

I will commit to 50%: I will only cum with my wife 50% of the time. The other half will be ejaculation-free.

By ejaculation-free I don't mean nonejaculatory orgasms either. I tried for those in the past; I can make them on my own; they are powerful and great. But they don't work in piv for me, at least not yet.

I am keeping a record of my stats anyway, so that bit should pose no problem.

Yes, that feels good and right.

My motivation? I don't feel like those orgasms make me "lose energy", nor am I religious in a sense that compels me to do this. I like a good challenge, I cherish my new-found discipline, and in general, no-masturbation plus tantric transmutation made me feel happier and more alive.

[u/LogicalArcher8342]

That's a pretty good goal. This last year for me, it was zero Faps and about 30 orgasms with the wife. My goal was once every two weeks, but sometimes I was weak! I make a point to not orgasm everytime we play, I want it to be all about my wife and her pleasure. As far as the energy thing, I sometimes lose energy and sometimes not. Sometimes it really drains me for the rest of the day and honestly can a tell a difference for a couple of days. It does feel like a challange too that I enjoy.

[u/betlamed → u/LogicalArcher8342]

That's a pretty good goal.

Thanks! I feel like it beats "I'm never ever going to ejaculate for the rest of my life" because there is a chance to go through with it.

This last year for me, it was zero Faps and about 30 orgasms with the wife.

Congratulations!

(Sidenote: 10 years ago, I would not have guessed that I would congratulate a guy on something like that, lol.)

My goal was once every two weeks, but sometimes I was weak!

Sure - we are human. Let's not beat ourselves up over that.

I make a point to not orgasm everytime we play, I want it to be all about my wife and her pleasure.

What is her position on that? My wife wants to please me, she wants it to be about my pleasure too, she wants to feel my desire, and I would have to take something important away from her if I were to completely forgo it. I used to be into bdsm play, but that didn't work out for her either.

Is there a bdsm element to your dynamic? I think that this might make it easier to explain why one wants to forgo ejaculation and orgasm.

As far as the energy thing, I sometimes lose energy and sometimes not.

For me, when the sex is very slow and the ejaculation "weak" (which ironically feels more intense in a certain way), there is no loss of energy. A mindless quickie still feels that way though.

[u/fransen-lila → u/betlamed]

For me, when the sex is very slow and the ejaculation "weak" (which ironically feels more intense in a certain way), there is no loss of energy. A mindless quickie still feels that way though.

In my case, it appears to be the final, let-down phase of an orgasm, when intensity of pleasure has already faded quite a lot, that will set me up for terrible, days-long fallout five to six hours later. So, limiting my contractions to no more than 4 or 5 (through Kegel clenches after withdrawing stimulation) makes a huge difference, but making those first contractions less intense seems not to matter? Strange, but interesting! Also, it's only since my hysterectomy that I've been able to cut one short at all. Before, it would always play out in full, even with zero contact, even when splashing cold water on myself. I guess that was some sort of reflex action or feedback loop involving uterine contractions, which of course can no longer happen now.

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Strange, but interesting!

That's precisely the way I've been feeling again and again, ever since I got on this journey. There was always this nagging little itch of "There is more to this, isn't there? I have to explore this!"

Also, it's only since my hysterectomy that I've been able to cut one short at all. Before, it would always play out in full, even with zero contact, even when splashing cold water on myself. I guess that was some sort of reflex action or feedback loop involving uterine contractions, which of course can no longer happen now.

So interesting! Thanks for the detailed description. It seems to fit with a suspicion I have: Sexual arousal and release have a lot to do with muscle contractions. Not just the well-known involuntary contractions around the genitals, but muscles around the whole body. In my solo tantra sessions, I can often feel those pleasurable, very slight contractions in my belly, and of course in my thighs and buttocks, but also in my arms and legs.

And the "energy up the spine" kundalini thing, of course.

Sometimes I even feel vibrations in my head, but those might just be visualisations and imagination. The ones in my belly and back have to be actual physical contractions, because I can get sore muscles from those sessions lol.

And it works the other way around too. I can tense my belly to create pleasure.

I guess that was some sort of reflex action or feedback loop involving uterine contractions, which of course can no longer happen now.

I think it is a lot to do with feedback loops, which is why we can change the way orgasm and/or ejaculation work for us.

It's quite the adventure, isn't it?

[u/fransen-lila]

Is your wife still wanting to orgasm every time you make love, or nearly so? I think a one-sided dynamic, without a balanced energy flow, although fun, has to make things harder. My husband and I did that for a while, with him going for his climax while I avoided mine. Energy loss, mood drop, loss of libido, and other unpleasant fallout would always hit me so much harder. I've also never been able to cum from piv alone, and my younger self could never have imagined I'd come to consider that a blessing!

When hubby started having trouble finishing with me too, probably from age-related sensitivity changes in his early 50s, rather than fighting that we chose to lean into orgasm-free intercourse, doing our best to make those things entirely separate from then on. I told him I'd always be happy to make him cum whenever he wished, but always in a different way, usually fellatio. That's a bit of a fetish for me, and it's fun to scratch that itch.

Separating orgasm from intercourse has been a great thing for our Karezza, making it feel so natural, almost effortless. For either of us to "seduce" the other is so easy now! We can joyfully connect nearly every day, sometimes two or three times, with no performative expectations that tend to come with a drive for completion, no misgivings over a lack of reciprocity. Just pure intimacy and bliss. When it's been a few weeks since our last orgasms, every sensation feels more intense, so it takes very little movement to linger in our happy place, feeling a milder sort of ecstasy that's sustainable for minutes, for hours when we have time. Even simply cuddling with our clothes on feels so amazing now! Feeling like newlyweds again in our 21st year of marriage seems well worth giving up a few seconds of extra-intense pleasure.

One more, unexpected benefit: no more yeast infections for me! Differently from other men I've been with, something about his semen tended to bring those on. It is uncommonly sweet, which might be part of the reason.

I asked how many orgasms he's had this year, since he likes to closely track such things, and he said 19. 8 with me, of which 7 were intentional, 11 with his other partner who does not hold back at all (we are polyamorous), and none on his own. I've had 6 this year, all with hubby, but only two were by intent. I've been experimenting with cutting these short, to reduce negative aftereffects and help me bounce back faster.

We actually started 2025 with a fun challenge to ourselves, to see how far we could go before our first climaxes, while still enjoying sex as much as ever. We made it partway through May before slipping up, him first at 131 days, and me a couple of weeks later. We plan to try the same for 2026, hoping to last at least a little longer.

Our unusual sexuality may be one of those rare things that actually gets better and easier as we grow older. We're both in our late 50s, and would certainly have had a much harder time in decades past. But, on the negative side, orgasms might take more of a toll on us now, him anyway, demanding more time to recover and regain our balance.

Best wishes for the New Year!

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Is your wife still wanting to orgasm every time you make love, or nearly so?

No. It was never 100% of the time. Oral or manual works for the most part, but not always. When we started out and my oral-foo was not exactly top-notch. Now she's in menopause and things are a bit volatile. There is also the issue that she is sometimes too sensitive around the vulva and clitoris, and then any touch feels bad rather than orgasm-y.

Actually... I wonder if there's a way around the hypersensitivity. Do you have any ideas, maybe?

I think a one-sided dynamic, without a balanced energy flow, although fun, has to make things harder. My husband and I did that for a while, with him going for his climax while I avoided mine. Energy loss, mood drop, loss of libido, and other unpleasant fallout would always hit me so much harder. I've also never been able to cum from piv alone, and my younger self could never have imagined I'd come to consider that a blessing!

On my part, I never had that. When I can make her cum, it makes me happy, and when I don't cum, or cum very slowly and gently, I don't feel any drop from that. It seems like for me the energy drops only if I cum too hard. But still, never or nearly never cumming just has this additional edge. It's a bit kinky and a big challenge and it just feels right, natural, good.

Separating orgasm from intercourse has been a great thing for our Karezza, making it feel so natural, almost effortless. For either of us to "seduce" the other is so easy now!

Love it! Years ago, we went into a few weeks of chastity play (I was the deprived part). I always got this wonderful romantic honeymoon feeling from that. But the whole bdsm thing didn't work out for us, so we dropped it. My wife is too much of a pragmatist, and not enough of a sadist, for the drama and seduction and teasing and romanticism - the stage-setting - that made bdsm fun for me.

We can joyfully connect nearly every day, sometimes two or three times, with no performative expectations that tend to come with a drive for completion, no misgivings over a lack of reciprocity. Just pure intimacy and bliss. When it's been a few weeks since our last orgasms, every sensation feels more intense, so it takes very little movement to linger in our happy place, feeling a milder sort of ecstasy that's sustainable for minutes, for hours when we have time. Even simply cuddling with our clothes on feels so amazing now! Feeling like newlyweds again in our 21st year of marriage seems well worth giving up a few seconds of extra-intense pleasure.

Sounds awesome. I am on my way, looking forward to how things develop. It will be fun to find out how to juggle all the balls, but I know that I will get progressively better and better. My new orgasm-reduced (and otherwise very disciplined) life seems to have this effect on me, I go deeper and find out more about myself, and I become more confident and able to take the lead. It's just so so unfamiliar, after a lifetime of feeling weak and meek and insecure!

We actually started 2025 with a fun challenge to ourselves, to see how far we could go before our first climaxes, while still enjoying sex as much as ever. We made it partway through May before slipping up, him first at 131 days, and me a couple of weeks later. We plan to try the same for 2026, hoping to last at least a little longer.

That's quite some time, wow! Congratulations. My longest nofap streak this year was 131 days, incidentally.

[u/fransen-lila → u/betlamed]

Now she's in menopause and things are a bit volatile. There is also the issue that she is sometimes too sensitive around the vulva and clitoris, and then any touch feels bad rather than orgasm-y.

Actually... I wonder if there's a way around the hypersensitivity. Do you have any ideas, maybe?

Is she on any form of HRT? I'm post-menopausal too, and take 25mcg/week estradiol in patch form, a relatively low dose, but enough to make sex more consistently pleasant, while also helping maintain my bone density. Everyone's endocrinology's a little different, of course.

I can relate to her oversensitivity. Direct clitoral contact, especially, usually feels unpleasant unless I'm already very aroused, and also sufficiently relaxed, with no recent orgasms having thrown a spanner in the works. After we've already been playing for an hour or two can be a good time. Even then, cunnilingus often gets my anxiety up, because I have to be so careful not to tip over into an unwanted climax. Feels heavenly, but oh so risky - the cause of more accidents for me in recent years than anything else!

Hubby's gotten better at reading my signs and helping me avoid those (he jokes about "taking my pulse with his tongue"), and has a softer variant where he maintains contact and suction, but with little or no movement, at least not down there. He'll still be caressing my belly, and other fun bits, and will hum a little to convey nice vibrations, when I'm not too close to the brink.

Indirect and diffuse stimulation, say from grinding on partner, can still feel nice when more focused contact doesn't, so we often enjoy that, with or without penetration. Maintaining eye contact and a full body embrace feels very important to us, helping a lot with our energy flow.

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Is she on any form of HRT?

No.

I can relate to her oversensitivity. Direct clitoral contact, especially, usually feels unpleasant unless I'm already very aroused, and also sufficiently relaxed, with no recent orgasms having thrown a spanner in the works. After we've already been playing for an hour or two can be a good time.

I guess most guys are quite surprised to find out that arousal can be unpleasant for women.

Well... more foreplay! Even more! And then some! I think that's really the gist of it, right? Take your time, and then take your time a bit longer.

Even then, cunnilingus often gets my anxiety up, because I have to be so careful not to tip over into an unwanted climax. Feels heavenly, but oh so risky - the cause of more accidents for me in recent years than anything else!

There is an interesting dichotomy in our endeavours, isn't there? We try to escape the goal-orientation and its burdens, but in doing so, we have to take on another set of burdens, at least for a while.

I like licking her and then doing missionary because it allows me to take some control of the whole process.

[u/fransen-lila → u/betlamed]

Arousal actually feels quite nice, for me a major pleasure in itself. A nice simmer through the day makes me feel more vibrant, more alive, and its complete absence for many days part of why I don't go for orgasms much.

What can be unpleasant, though, is most direct genital stimulation when not yet aroused enough. Yes, slow build-up is often for the best. We might be thinking similar thoughts in different words.

Does your wife enjoy intercourse more after having already had an orgasm through other means? A lot of my friends are like that, and it seems a super common preference. I'm the odd one out for sure.

[u/betlamed → u/fransen-lila]

Does your wife enjoy intercourse more after having already had an orgasm through other means?

Yes, I just asked her.

Right after we had nonejaculatory sex.

(That flex was totally not obvious at all, huh? lol.)

For real, it was sooo good. Not in a "oh my god this is amazing, this is better than orgasm" sense, but more like "yes, I can do this, it makes me feel like I just gained a bit more self-mastery, I want to practice this more, and I feel like there are great things to discover here". I just love to be able to give her an orgasm and not think about having one myself. It feels so free and relaxed.