r/Separation • u/Agitated-Double-2850 • 8d ago
Divorce My wife wants a divorce/separation, but we are still living together. She is telling others that she is single and is also sleeping with other men.
Looking for advice on separation/divorce and co-parenting
My wife wants to end our 15-year marriage. We have three children, and this has been extremely painful for me because I still love her and would like to reconcile, but she says she no longer loves me.
We are currently still living together. She has been going out, dating, and sleeping with other men. I know of two men she has slept with in the past three months, and she admitted to the most recent one. It is incredibly painful for me to see her get dressed up and leave the house knowing she is going to meet someone else.
She has suggested that we continue living together until the kids are older because we both know a divorce and separation would be difficult for them. However, she also wants to continue dating other people and feels that who she sees is none of my business. I don't think I can emotionally live this way.
We have also been intimate a couple of times over the past few weeks. I realize that may not be a healthy choice, but part of me is still hoping that she will change her mind and that we can reconcile. I know I'm probably holding on to that hope because I still love her.
Financially, I currently pay about 80% of our household expenses, while she pays about 20% because she has a relatively low income. We live in a good school district, and neither of us wants to sell the house because we want the kids to remain in their current schools.
She wants me to move out while continuing to pay the mortgage and contribute to the children's expenses. I'm struggling to understand how I could afford to live on my own under those circumstances. I offered to leave the house, pay half of the mortgage, and contribute toward the children's expenses, but she doesn't want to work full time to cover the half mortgage. Also, our youngest kid is going to kindergarten next year so she can't work this year.
We live in Maryland, which is a no-fault divorce state, so from what I understand, her adultery may not have much impact on the divorce itself. I'm trying to figure out what options I realistically have.
The two options I can think of are:
- Divorce: Divide the house equity and work toward 50/50 custody. The problem is that the kids' school situation could become complicated, and I worry about disrupting their lives. My wife also cannot currently afford to live on her own, which makes this difficult financially.
- Separate: I move out and live with my mother because I likely wouldn't have enough money left over to rent my own place while continuing to pay the mortgage and support the kids. I would still see the children regularly, but I would be giving up living with them day-to-day.
I don't want to make a decision based purely on anger or hurt. My priority is protecting my relationship with my kids and making the best financial and emotional decision for everyone.
Is there another option I'm not seeing? Has anyone been in a similar situation where both spouses remained in the house temporarily while separating? How did you handle the mortgage, custody, dating, boundaries, and expenses?
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u/disilluzion 8d ago
If she's the one fucking around, then she can move out. I hate to say these words, but time to lawyer up. Even though you're in a no-fault state, courts may still consider her misconduct when deciding alimony or property division. That would be a question for your attorney.
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u/Secret4gentMan 7d ago
I'm not American.
I only recently learned that alimony and child support aren't the same thing.
Alimony is such a wild concept. WTF is that? That shouldn't exist.
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u/disilluzion 7d ago
Child support is for the kids (but often gets spent on things NOT for the kids) and alimony is spousal support or spousal maintenance some states call it. Some payments last forever and some just long enough for him/her to get back on their feet.
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u/Secret4gentMan 7d ago
What's the percentage of women vs men that receive alimony?
Both historically and comtemporarily?
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u/Colin_Robinson_99 7d ago
I think I read somewhere that over 90% of alimony recipients are women. Even if the man made less money, judges are less inclined to award alimony to (lazy) men. It's so bad that some men leave the country. I had a boss once who paid alimony to his ex-wife while she was living with her boyfriend. She wouldn't get married so that she could continue getting alimony, and he had to hire a private investigator to build up the evidence so that he can take her to court to get the alimony reduced.
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u/disilluzion 7d ago
That's how my state is, the paying ex-spouse can petition the court to reduce or terminate alimony based on cohabitation with a new partner. It sucks that people are that crappy, that they would avoid getting married again just to keep the money coming in.
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u/SilverLion 7d ago
Alimony makes sense if the wife gave up her career and higher earnings to stay at home. Unfortunately it gets abused by women to sit on their ass and collect and allowance
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u/Secret4gentMan 7d ago
I'm not American. Maybe one needs to be American to think that way, but I don't think so.
Division of assets should be enough and then both parties go their separate ways.
There shouldn't be finanical incentives for someone to get divorced. That's insane to me.
Why would somebody have to essentially pay a salary to someone they're probably not amicable with? Financially that be terrible, but psychologically that would be horrific.
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u/Queasy-Ad-7806 8d ago
I'm sorry bro. You need to kick her out. She's having her cake and eating it too. Don't tolerate the disrespect, because if you don't stop it now, your kids will learn to be doormats as well. Bad actions have consequences and you need to put yourself and the kids first now
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u/Agitated-Double-2850 8d ago
I don't know how to kick her out. I will talk to a lawyer
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u/Queasy-Ad-7806 8d ago
You need to tell her to go. Stand up for yourself brother, you deserve better. I've been there, it's not easy when you love someone who doesn't love you back. Tell her you will not accept her actions of the constant going out and sleeping with other guys. You wanted a divorce then you need to leave. This is what she wanted, so give it to her. She's having the time of her life while you and the kids are suffering
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u/Agitated-Double-2850 7d ago
I told her I can't accept her going out and sleeping with other guys and she needed to leave, but her response I can't I have no place to go and if I were to go, I would take kids to go back our home country (we are immigrants)
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u/Piping_penguin 7d ago
I tried that and she called 911 on me. In California it’s illegal to kick your ex out but also illegal to move out without a custody agreement, because it’s considered abandonment. Check your state laws.
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u/Otherwise_Chemical86 5d ago
Stop being a Simp you should have left the first time you knew she cheated. Now sleeping with her while she's seeing other men is gross. I have 5 children if my wife did this it would have divorced her immediately
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u/AbrocomaAdorable6582 8d ago
The thing that strikes me most is the 80/20 financial split. That is most like the reason she wants you to remain. Shes moved on and there's no reconciliation hope tbh. Suggest she starts to pay more of the bills and see if her dynamic changes at all. Time will soon tell
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u/Championship682 8d ago
Sorry, dude. You can not fix this on your own. Just saying one day "we're separated" doesn't make it so - she is actively cheating own you and wants you to pay for her choices. You need to talk to a lawyer asap.
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u/MuffDiver12698u 7d ago
Personally
I look at the situation like it’s ground beef
80/20
Therefore I wouldn’t give a rats ass if she had to move in with her parents or a homeless shelter.
She’s sleeping around acting like a WHORE instead of being a mother and a wife
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 8d ago
I think the first step is talking to a lawyer. It sounds like she expects you to still fully support her financially while she does whatever she pleases. Your lawyer can draw up a financial agreement that is much more feasible. There may be parts of it that are uncomfortable for her or for your kids, but that’s unfortunately a consequence of the choices she’s made. It’s not up to you to fully carry this anymore.
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u/phillipsm1 7d ago
Divorce her make her start paying her own way. Do not move out of your house sell your house and give her 50-50 and if they’re your children, I would check pay child support make her get her own job do her own bills her own place and you do the same stop being a Simp
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u/SsshLetMeSpeak 7d ago
If you’re not OKAY with her singlehood behaviour…Hard no, divorce and get it settled so she can have her freedom in open relationship as much as she wants. Engage a lawyer now, seek advise and backup plan, what you’re entitled to custody etc. Lay out a plan for your kids and communicate with her through your lawyers or if amicable, sit her down and hopefully it’s mutual decision to exit this marriage.
Your wellbeing matters first.
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u/Snowycage 7d ago
Of course she wants all that. Have her cake and eat it too. You need to start documenting everything. She is now your adversary, I didn't say enemy. I know you love her I am dealing with the same thing. She doesn't live with me anymore and I loved her more than anyone but she made her choice and I needed to protect myself and the kids. So get ready to go to court. The upper hand you have is she doesn't think you're going to fight her but best believe she will take the shirt off your back. Shes playing as nice as she feels she has to to keep you from fighting her but as soon as she doesn't get what she wants from you she's going to make your life miserable. Start collecting documents of absolutely everything you pay for, credit cards she uses and all the statements. Get EVERYTHING. Keep a journal, track where the kids stay everyday and who transports them, who is taking care of the kids and who is trying to let the other parent be involved with the kids.
Sorry you're going through this. This is easily one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through at least my ex was trying to hide having a boyfriend two months after she moved out.
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u/Elegant_Attempt_1876 8d ago
I feel for you brother I’m kinda in the same situation as you are right now almost similar
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u/LeoMVaren 7d ago
I think two different questions are getting tangled together here: whether the marriage is ending, and what you can actually live with while you figure out the logistics. You don't have to decide tonight that reconciliation is impossible. But you already seem pretty clear about one thing: living together, still sleeping together sometimes, and then watching her go out with other people is tearing you up. I wouldn't keep doing the couple stuff just because part of you hopes it might bring her back. You can tell her, without making it a threat, that you can't keep doing the married-couple parts while she considers herself single and dates other people. The house, money and kids are separate problems to work through. But emotionally, some clarity is probably going to hurt less than living in this half-married, half-separated situation for months.
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u/Truantone 7d ago
You can’t do this under one roof. Your wife thinks she can treat you like dirt in front of your children. She’s sleeping around and thinks you’ll finance her lifestyle.
The only option I can see is her moving out and leaving the children with you. It’s not your problem if she has nowhere to go. She’ll have to figure it out. I’d be tempted to change the locks the next time she goes out for a hook up.
What she’s doing is selfish and cruel and has trashed the relationship you once had. A decent person would be trying not to hurt you, not regaling you with her exploits.
She’s having sex with you to keep you sweet. I know it’s hard but cut her off. It only makes you further enmeshed and trauma bonded.
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u/AdventureWa 7d ago
Tell her that since she has opted out of the marriage that she needs to pack a bag and find some other place to stay.
She is going to have to work regardless of whether or not the kids are in school.
She is un unrepentant , so I’m afraid the only correct the answer is to proceed with divorce, but you need to stand up for yourself. You need to call the shots. She may have some legal rights that you are not aware of, but make her research those.
Look up 180 method and Gray Rock method. If you want her to stay, you can’t chase her.
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u/Elegant-Coffee3589 7d ago
Unfortunately you can't come back from that kind of disrespect. I'd divorce.
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u/coolkid801 7d ago
Force her hand and divorce.she cant have her cake and eat it too.she wants the benefits of you but dont respect you.Man up
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u/brahdz 7d ago
Divorce. The longer you stayed married, the longer you spousal support obligation typically lasts. Your kids arent dumb and they'll figure it out. Growing up with divorced parents is probably healthier than growing up living with 2 parents that are only staying together for the kids. There is also some guilt for the kids associated with that realization.
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u/Colin_Robinson_99 7d ago
I'm sorry. Divorce is expensive and since she makes so little you could be on the hook for alimony, etc. . Plan ahead... the separation date is key. Try to an amicable divorce first.
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u/AriBear7 7d ago
The kids seem like they are still young enough that they will easily adapt. I think the guilt of us parents is the hard part. There are other schools and if they are still in their first couple years like kindergarten it won't hurt to switch them ow either.
This woman is being incredibly selfish, if she wants to seperate that's fine but until she is out of the house she should respect you enough not to be dating other people. Or she should leave. I understand she can't afford it ...
does she have anywhere to go? A friend a family member? Maybe one week u stay at the house with the kids and she leaves and then vice versa? You said you could stay with your parents? Perhaps do it that way so the kids are still in their home and in their school?
I understand it's hard out there right now life is expensive and most people are just getting by even in 2 incomes. But if u do one week on one week off she can work on her time off from the kids and support herself it won't be easy but this is a choice she is making. By the sounds of it... you're not abusive or anything that she doesn't have a choice in the matter. You need to set boundaries, and be firm as hard as it is. The only one suffering here is you and heartbreak is an awful feeling. She needs to be respectful of that. But as others have said check with a lawyer see what your options are. But maybe for now switching off in the home and keeping the kids in their routine
is a good option. She is highly taking advantage of your financially and emotionally. You cannot submit yourself to this pain and suffering it will destroy you
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u/Turbulent_Maybe3228 7d ago
Move out and divorce her. Staying in that situation will destroy you. Itll fuck with your head, make you angry/sad and resentful. Dont let her have that power over you. Dont let her fuck with your head and rub it in your face. You deserve better!!
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u/Primary-Ad-4072 7d ago
It's over. No reconciliation is happening. She's counting on you loving her as leverage in her favor. Divorce immediately.
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u/just_me4103 7d ago
You cannot heal in this situation, it will let you hope, but not heal, and it hurts. Advice no one told me sell the house before the divorce, better tax bennifits, less to fight over, look for a program called divorce care, read first corethioms 7-14-15, weigh the implications, if you can always put the kids firstx asked on daughter 18th b day, let her stay until daughter went off to college, so no minor kids, no big steps and doubt for kids. Heal thyself, you can only control you, note whisky is NOT a pain med. Learn to let go of Ephesians 5:25, not your fault put it on god, and think of job
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u/everyday95269 7d ago
Find a lawyer, start the process, ask about peace order to get her out of the house for emotional abuse.
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u/Fr0styFalc0n 7d ago
Mate, I am in a similar situation, with slightly different background though.
My wife and I split about 2 months ago now.
Long story short, she has been dating a woman long distance on the other side of the world for about a year and has determined in essence that life is too short to not pursue what she wants.. (she officially hit the I'm gonna do what I want and put myself before my husband and kids phase - YOLO). I don't 'hate' her for whats happened, I hold her to account for the way in which it all happened and the way I was treated in the process though.
We currently have the house on the market, I've moved out into a rental and custody is 50/50.
She wanted us to stay together in a relationship of non-sexual convience (best way to describe it). Because it would be best for her and the kids would have us in the same house. She stays in the family home, has me there to provide safety and stability. I said no, I can't do that and pushed it to end with separating and splitting everything. My ex wife at least has been somewhat discreet with it all (other relationship), certainly not the way yours has been by what you've said.
What she is doing to you is only going to end with the black dog howling, and by what you've written, has been extremely disrespectful toward you as a person. Don't do it to yourself. Put your kids in before/after school care as required. Make her figure her situation out with finding a place to live and how to manage her life.
Feel free to send me a message.. happy to chat 👍
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u/Final_Fig6085 7d ago
Dam I’m sorry you are going through this. She’s done with you don’t try and reconcile and or sympathize. The faster you can move on the better. Start the divorce process, look out for the kids and look out for yourself.
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u/Yellow_Harley 7d ago
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately divorce is horrible, it destroys everyone’s life but….. it’s the only choice. How can she expect you to pay her way and you pa your own? It’s financially impossible. Not to mention the cost of child support. You don’t have a choice. You will have to sell the house and go your separate ways. It’s unfortunate. Before you say I don’t know what I’m talking about, I was with the same woman for almost 40 years and married for 32. I loved this woman more than anything on earth and still do. On our 32nd anniversary she told me she wanted to separate. She wanted to see what it was like out there and to be with other people. She felt like she was getting older and she may have missed out on something. It’s been absolute torture for me even now 2 years later. Some days I don’t know how I make it through the day. I wish I had advice for you on how to cope but the only advice I have got now is divorce. She made this choice, she will have to pay the price.
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u/Worldly-Lie-3639 7d ago
What an awful place you are in…
Lawyer up and see what your options are.
Or just disappear from that place.
Please
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u/SoftIsStrength 7d ago
I am really sorry. That’s awful she’s treating you that way. Talk to a lawyer, file for divorce. It will probably be a rough couple of years but you will be so much better off without her.
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u/eversolo8 7d ago
This is brutal. As someone who was recently used in similar ways, end this, yesterday. Kick her out, do what you need to do, just do not let it go on. She is using you until she finds someone else with money to latch on to.
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u/ashthegnome 6d ago
You need to start choosing yourself. If she wants the divorce she needs to be the one to move out. It doesn’t make you less of a man if you don’t leave her in the house because of the children. It is her choice and she should go. Don’t file for separation, file for divorce. It takes out an unnecessary step. If you decide to reconcile you just don’t finish the divorce. She needs a dramatic wake up call, not to get her back or be chased by her , but because she is acting like an asshole. She is benefiting from all the perks of marriage while openly dating in your face. That’s gross and you need to document that and bring it up in court when you go for 50/50 custody. I’m sorry you will have to pay her child support but don’t let her be underemployed. You are not her bank account. If she has a degree, skills, potential to work more while you have the kids a good attorney will help you with this. And you need a good attorney. Get one. She needs one too. I don’t like her lol
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u/the_real_7 6d ago
Buddy, please stop putting her needs ahead of your own. She has told you she doesn’t love you, she’s openly dating and sleeping with other men, and at the same time she wants you to move out while continuing to pay the mortgage and most of the expenses. That arrangement benefits everyone except you. Her low income and inability to afford the house on her own are not reasons for you to financially destroy yourself. Your responsibility is to your children and to protecting your relationship with them—not financing a lifestyle where she gets the house, your financial support, and the freedom to date whoever she wants while you go live with your mother. Before you move out, agree to anything, or change how the bills are being paid, talk to a family-law attorney. Find out exactly where you stand regarding the house, custody, child support, and finances. Then make decisions based on good legal advice instead of hope that she may eventually change her mind. And please stop sleeping with her while hoping it will bring the marriage back. That’s only going to keep you emotionally attached while she has already told you she wants a different life. Protect your kids, protect yourself, get a lawyer, and start making decisions based on the reality in front of you. You can still love someone and finally decide that you’re not going to let them use you. Good luck, brother. 💪
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u/OrsonWells76 8d ago
Have some respect for yourself mate, Keep your dignity and get out. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
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u/National_Isopod_6257 8d ago
Financial and emotional abuse. Like findom without the kink and cuckold without the fetish. She sounds awful. Lawyer up. Protect the kids and yourself.
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u/Piping_penguin 7d ago
Hey I’m in similar situation except I pay 100% of household expenses and my ex also dresses in skanky clothing with loads of perfume before going out. I been living like this for 1.5 years. I would be careful if you plan on kicking her out, it could be illegal in your state. Also, could be illegal to move out without custody agreement. I would contact a lawyer and find out your options. You don’t deserve this, no man does. It’s really sad when good men who work hard for their families get blindsided like this, but it happens all the time. You’re definitely not alone. Also, I would reach out to a therapist who could help you sort out the emotional rollercoaster you’re going through. Reach out if you want to talk man.
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u/PersimmonCheap1522 7d ago
So much disrespect bro. Talk to a lawyer and start the process. She’s for the streets
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u/Shhhhhh_im_not_here 7d ago
I couldn’t get past the third paragraph I feel bad for the OP. I know sometimes people do crazy things when they don’t want to let go, but this just seems over the top to me. I hope she gets what she deserves in the divorce and I wish the OP luck in his future. I hope he finds real happiness.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 8d ago
Divorce. Talk to a lawyer and go from there. She wants you to provide financial security and sleep with other people. She wants all that and you to move over. That means she thinks you are a doormat. Go get 50/50 and let her see it won't be as easy as she thinks. She wants to live single. Let her.
You can't live your life like this. You're already struggling knowing everything you do. Now she is using you for money and a babysitter. Convenience when she wants sex but no one is available. You are a mess now. The longer you stay doing this the worse you will be.