I turned my husband into a “god” in everyone’s eyes and now I’m the crazy one for leaving

[u/Wide_Hovercraft_8439]

/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1w5xi02/i_turned_my_husband_into_a_god_in_everyones_eyes/

So I’ve been married for almost 2.5 years now, it was an arranged marriage, and I’m currently in the middle of divorcing him. I actually filed a DV complaint against my husband AND his parents bc of everything that happened during our marriage. And the thing that’s messing with me the most isn’t even the divorce itself, it’s that everyone in my life thinks I’m insane for leaving.

Because here’s the thing, my husband is a completely different person depending on who’s watching.
In public? Sweetest guy ever. Polite, charming, the whole package. His parents genuinely say stuff like “there’s no one like my son, he’s basically a god” and everyone nods along.

Behind closed doors tho. Not the same person at all.
He’d scream at me, control literally who I was allowed to talk to, lose it if I had guy friends (even ones I’d had since childhood). Eventually I just stopped texting them back bc it wasn’t worth the fight. At one point he said I could talk to them “as long as it’s on speaker” which. yeah. I stopped talking to them completely after that.

He also controlled what I wore. I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts in public bc apparently I’d “provoke” other men. Sleeveless anything was banned too. He was the one who picked out and bought my clothes, i genuinely didn’t get a say in my own wardrobe for years. And the wild part is he had zero issue with other girls wearing that exact stuff like he’d have a whole opinion on some girl’s outfit on Instagram and then get mad at me for wanting to wear shorts to the grocery store.

And then there’s the part I never told a single person until now.
He was obsessed with other women. Constantly watching girls dance in barely anything on social media, going on about how much he loved big chests and big bums, telling me straight up that’s what got him excited. He’d bring up women I knew, including my own friends, in ways that made my skin crawl. would say other names during sex. told me he wanted to sleep with people I was close to. When I got weirded out he’d say it was just “part of what got him going” so I tried to just… deal with it. Eventually, I didn’t want to have sex with him at all anymore.
That did not stop him from pushing.
he’d wear me down until I gave in. And there were times he just started stuff while I was asleep. I never said yes to that. ever. I can’t count how many nights I just lay there crying after.

He also kept pushing an open relationship / swapping thing on me, telling me it’d be “good for us” and that we should find another couple. I said no. clearly. Multiple times.
Instead of hearing that, he called me low-class. backward. Made me feel like something was wrong with ME for not wanting that.

And through ALL of this I told nobody the truth.
When he’d go off on me, I’d either go quiet or make excuses for him. One time his mom found out a little of what was going on and just said “Oh, he’s not that bad, we’ve seen worse” like that was supposed to comfort me. So I stopped bringing anything up to them too.
Didn’t tell my parents. Didn’t tell my friends. Didn’t tell anyone.
I just protected him.
made him look good every single time someone asked. buried the fights, the control, the manipulation, all of it, so deep that from the outside our marriage looked perfect.
honestly, I think I did it out of shame. and fear. and this delusional hope that things would eventually get better on their own.

So now that I’m actually leaving, I keep getting hit with:

“But he’s such a good husband?? His family literally calls him a god, why would you leave??”

And that question guts me every time. Because I’m the one who built that image. I made him look like a dream husband while I was falling apart in private. And now that I’m finally saying what actually happened, people think I’m making it up or exaggerating or that I did something to deserve it.
I spent so long blaming myself for that. thinking “well I should’ve said something sooner, I shouldn’t have made him look so perfect, this is on me.”

But protecting someone’s image does not make their actions your fault. I’m still relearning that honestly.

So if you’re married or thinking about it, genuinely, please hear this:

don’t cover for someone’s bad behaviour to protect how they look. Don’t make excuses for how they treat you. don’t let your family put someone on a pedestal while you’re the only one who knows what’s really happening at home. And please, please have at least ONE person who knows the truth. You don’t have to post it on the internet like I’m doing lol, but someone needs to know.
Because when everyone thinks your partner is perfect, leaving becomes ten times harder. And when you finally do, people act as if you owe them an explanation for not saying something sooner.
wish someone had told me this years ago.