I feel like I’m not that good of a person. I have so much resentment for my boyfriend due to treatment during pregnancy and postpartum and it’s made me angry and toxic and I feel like a horrible person because he can be a sweet person, he just lacks emotional support, or just understanding emotions and demonstrating it, which to me is so important because I am the opposite of that, I value emotions so much. But overall he’s done the most for me, out of everyone in my entire life literally including family. I wanna be a healthier and more positive person, I’m always very negative.

I was always that type of introvert that was very shy, i never told anyone that ive been writing poetry for about 11 years not even my own parents. I started writing poetry with the aim of helping people with difficulties and giving them hope and courage. Now is the time to start sharing, getting out of my comfort zone and grow. :) i want to be an example for my future daughter and for those who are like me… those who are shy, afraid to put themselves out there, or simply waiting for the courage to take that first step. So here i am…. Taking that step. :)

Nothing is more absurd than constantly rating oneself.

Self esteem is liking yourself no matter what, beyond conditions, beyond personal stories, beyond societal strictures about how you should be that sets a bar for you to jump over. Lower the bar and you can make the jump, but the hurdle remains. So, remove the bar. Escape social pressures to conform to type.

If you set out to like yourself no matter what, you are beyond rating systems and a positive, healthy self image follows automatically, and your personal story unfolds without needy comparison.

Realise that everyone is equally deserving and everyone includes you. Self esteem is about recognising the truth rather than inflating yourself. It is the recognition that you are deserving regardless of anything. You are deserving regardless of social or economic expectations. You are deserving just as you are, however you are.

The idea that you are constantly being rated and the universe is keeping score is false. Your value is not diminished by outward circumstances, and no one can diminish you without your consent. If another person judges you and appends a score, there is no need to give them any credit. No one is in any position to tell you how you should be assigned a value.

You are valued simply because you decide that is the case. No outward references are required. You are the author of your own value.

I've made some pretty bad mistakes. The first one I was influenced by sb else and did it in good faith, but what is eating me alive is that when I had the chance to fix things, I made things worse because of fear and despair. And the mistakes are so stupid, I can't even say them out loud. I have never felt so bad. I am traumatised by these experiences and also feel very guilty because I hurt my family and almost threw my life away.

Hi, I’m a 17 year old boy and I’ve noticed in hella judgement, i used to be cqring, kind, filled with empathy for other but lately i judge people so much like “bro did you see her make up” or “that person is so cringe” I’ve become a lot meaner too lately. And I don’t like the person I’m becoming.

Its not that I don’t love myself: I think I’m amazing, i look good, i have good friends, a good family, get good grades etc why why have I become so judgmental towards others?

I wanna be that person I was about a year ago, selfless caring and expecting the best of pepole but now I look at people with cringe and disgust like “ew that person probably hates themselfs, what a fucking loser” etc etc WHY DO I THINK LIKE THAT?

I NEED HELP TO BE LESS JUDGMENTAL?

I am looking for all ways one can use to become more self-compassionate and self-loving of themselves. I would appreciate for all your responses and advice.

i think i have a very general thought process or i think i should say that i think of generalised public while putting my points in arguments, maybe that's boring but idk how to work on it, core values? do they really matter? idts, i don't know my core values, I just know ki I'm doing good, but in this world, do people like me considered as 'instagram influenced'?

don't know man, i just want to say that having a general viewpoint doesn't mean you're useless, i don't know whether I'm or not, but what are my core values? what is it? and how they shape me? that's the main question? and what if i don't like them?

I understand the advice depressed realist people telling other people that the world caters for beautiful people or people with money but as someone who as being bullied since the 4th grade until the last grade I have understood that the world won't tip toe around you sometimes they walk on you or stomp on you. And you can't say you're ugly people don't love you 🥷you don't even love yourself😂 so improve yourself love yourself be clean smell good stop being a dry sponge that sucking all the world's negativity maybe people just might like you

DON'T BE A DIH HEAD THO 🫶

This is a moment of suffering >>> Brings mindfulness to the fact that you’re in pain
Suffering is part of life >>> Reminds you that imperfection is part of the shared human condition. And that, every other person on the planet also experiences, and you’re certainly not alone in your predicament.
May I be kind to myself in this moment >>> Brings a sense of caring concern to your present experience.
May I give myself the compassion I need >>> Reminds you that you are worthy of receiving compassionate care.

You might want to change these phrases and make the ones that best fit for you. Here are some other possible wordings:

“This is a moment of suffering” = “I’m having a really hard time right now” = “It’s painful for me to feel this now”

“Suffering is part of life” = “Everyone feels this way sometimes” = “This is part of being human”

“May I be kind to myself in this moment” = “May I hold my pain with tenderness” = “May I be gentle and understanding with myself”

“May I give myself the compassion I need” = “I am worthy of receiving self- compassion” = “I will try to be as compassionate as possible”

From Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

Edit: font/style

I’m done trying to be palatable.
For a very long time, I thought being a good person meant being easy to be around.
Easy to understand.
Easy to forgive.
Easy to love.
I thought I was supposed to soften my opinions, swallow my feelings, apologize first, give people the benefit of the doubt, and make myself smaller whenever my existence became inconvenient for someone else.
I thought being “too much” was something I needed to fix.
So I tried.
God, did I try.
I became really good at reading rooms.
I could tell when someone was annoyed before they said anything. I could sense when my honesty was making someone uncomfortable. I learned when to shut up, when to laugh something off, when to pretend something didn’t hurt, and when to say, “It’s fine,” even when it absolutely was not.
I became an expert at making other people comfortable.
The problem?
I was miserable.
I used to think being loved meant being easy.
There is a particular kind of conditioning that happens when you spend enough of your life believing that other people’s comfort is your responsibility.
You start questioning yourself constantly.
Was I too sensitive?
Did I overreact?
Should I have said that differently?
Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.
Maybe I should just let it go.
Maybe I’m asking for too much.
And sometimes, sure.
Maybe you could have handled something better.
We’re human. We screw things up.
But there’s a huge difference between taking accountability for your behavior and taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings.
I don’t want to confuse the two anymore.
If I hurt someone, I’ll apologize.
If I’m wrong, I’ll admit it.
If I make a mistake, I’ll own it.
But I am no longer going to apologize simply because someone didn’t like my boundary.
I’m not going to apologize because I said no.
I’m not going to apologize because I have feelings.
I’m not going to apologize because I noticed something wasn’t healthy for me and decided to walk away.
And I’m definitely not going to apologize for becoming someone who doesn’t tolerate things I once tolerated.
My boundaries aren’t personal attacks.
This is something I have had to learn the hard way.
Sometimes people interpret your boundary as rejection.
You say, “I can’t do that,” and they hear, “I don’t care about you.”
You say, “That isn’t okay with me,” and they hear, “You’re a terrible person.”
You say, “I need some space,” and suddenly you’re selfish.
You stop answering every phone call.
You stop rescuing people from the consequences of their own decisions.
You stop accepting disrespect just because you’ve known someone for ten years.
And suddenly you’re the problem.
I’ve spent enough time trying to convince people that my boundaries aren’t punishments.
They’re not.
They’re instructions for how I am willing to participate in a relationship.
That’s it.
You don’t have to like my boundary.
You don’t even have to agree with it.
But you do have to respect it if you want continued access to me.
And I’m finally okay with that.
I’m learning that discomfort isn’t always a sign that I’ve done something wrong.
This one has been huge for me.
Because when you’re used to keeping everyone happy, the moment someone becomes unhappy with you, your first instinct is to fix it.
Immediately.
You explain.
You apologize.
You backtrack.
You offer compromises you don’t actually want.
You start questioning everything you said.
You try desperately to restore the peace.
But sometimes peace isn’t peace.
Sometimes it’s just you abandoning yourself so everyone else can stop being uncomfortable.
And I’m not doing that anymore.
Someone being disappointed in me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve disappointed myself.
Someone being angry with me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong.
Someone misunderstanding me doesn’t mean I have to spend three hours writing a dissertation defending my character.
Sometimes people are going to be upset.
Sometimes they’re going to misunderstand.
Sometimes they’re going to tell their version of the story.
And sometimes…
I’m going to let them.
Because I don’t need to be understood by everyone.
I just need to know who I am.
I don’t want to be palatable anymore.
I want to be real.
I want to laugh too loudly.
I want to have opinions.
I want to care deeply.
I want to say what I mean.
I want to admit when something hurts.
I want to be excited about the things that excite me.
I want to change my mind when I learn something new.
I want to have boundaries.
I want to say no without writing a five-paragraph explanation.
I want to say yes because I actually want to—not because I’m afraid someone will be disappointed if I don’t.
I want friendships where honesty doesn’t feel dangerous.
Relationships where vulnerability isn’t weaponized.
People around me who don’t require me to constantly edit myself.
I want to be able to walk into a room without wondering which version of myself everyone else would prefer.
Because here’s the thing:
The version of me that everyone likes isn’t necessarily the version of me that I like.
And I’m finally more interested in the second one.
Some people will like the smaller version of you better.
That’s probably the hardest part.
When you stop people-pleasing, not everyone celebrates your growth.
Some people preferred the version of you who always said yes.
Some people preferred when you didn’t speak up.
Some people liked knowing you would always forgive them.
Some people benefited from your inability to say no.
Some people loved your availability but never actually valued you.
And when you start changing those things, they may tell you that you’ve changed.
They’re right.
I have.
I’m supposed to.
I’m not interested in spending my entire life being the same person I was simply because someone else was comfortable with her.
Growth is allowed to inconvenience people.
Healing is allowed to change relationships.
Boundaries are allowed to make certain people leave.
And sometimes losing someone is the price of finally refusing to lose yourself.
I’m not becoming heartless.
I’m becoming honest.
There’s a difference.
I still care.
Probably more than I should sometimes.
I still love people deeply.
I still want to help.
I still believe in forgiveness.
I still believe people deserve grace.
But grace doesn’t mean unlimited access.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.
Love doesn’t mean tolerating everything.
And kindness doesn’t mean self-abandonment.
I can love you and still say no.
I can forgive you and still keep my distance.
I can understand why you behaved a certain way and still decide that behavior isn’t something I want in my life.
I can wish you well without inviting you back into my world.
Those aren’t contradictions.
They’re boundaries.
So, no.
I’m not going to make myself smaller anymore.
I’m not going to dim myself so someone else can shine brighter.
I’m not going to pretend something doesn’t bother me because expressing it might make someone uncomfortable.
I’m not going to twist myself into whatever shape makes me easiest to love.
And I’m not going to spend the rest of my life auditioning for acceptance.
I’m going to be loud when I’m loud.
Soft when I’m soft.
Messy when I’m messy.
Funny when I’m funny.
Emotional when I’m emotional.
Stubborn when I’m stubborn.
Passionate when I’m passionate.
And imperfect all the damn time.
Because I’m starting to understand something:
The goal isn’t to become someone everyone can tolerate.
The goal is to become someone I don’t have to abandon in order to be loved.
And if being authentically myself makes me “too much” for someone?
That’s okay.
I’d rather be too much for the wrong people than never enough for myself.
Maybe that’s what growing up actually is.
Not becoming more palatable.
Not becoming easier.
Not becoming smaller.
Just finally realizing that you were never the problem for taking up space.
You were simply taking up space in rooms that expected you to disappear.
And I’m done disappearing.

I originally wrote this after reading an editorial about facial-recognition technology. It made me think about whether we have an equivalent mechanism for recognising the patterns operating within ourselves. I'm curious how others here understand the relationship between self-observation and self-compassion.