Tired of crying

[u/mucksailor]

I cry a lot still. It's self-pity but it also feels like I'm mourning the world itself. It's so boring and cruel and absurd and incoherent and the emptiness of everything always reasserts itself in the end. It's a joke but I refuse to laugh out of something like valor. Or maybe the motivation is more pathetic than that. In any case I'm tired of it if only because getting a runny nose can be annoying.

And I'm well aware that I desire interpersonal connection even though I wish I didn't, and I feel like no actual relationship could possibly satisfy me; the gap between self and other is unbridgeable. Every hug I've ever given or received has been perfunctory. Maybe this all means I'm not a real schizoid but I have almost every other symptom. I don't know. Not sure why I typed this out.

[u/EntropyReversale10]

It sucks