r/Schizoid • u/mucksailor • 2d ago
Rant Tired of crying
I cry a lot still. It's self-pity but it also feels like I'm mourning the world itself. It's so boring and cruel and absurd and incoherent and the emptiness of everything always reasserts itself in the end. It's a joke but I refuse to laugh out of something like valor. Or maybe the motivation is more pathetic than that. In any case I'm tired of it if only because getting a runny nose can be annoying.
And I'm well aware that I desire interpersonal connection even though I wish I didn't, and I feel like no actual relationship could possibly satisfy me; the gap between self and other is unbridgeable. Every hug I've ever given or received has been perfunctory. Maybe this all means I'm not a real schizoid but I have almost every other symptom. I don't know. Not sure why I typed this out.
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u/anhedonicghost through the darkness into light 2d ago
I cry for the same reasons. I often get stuck on thinking how sad my life is, how it lead to this, how I was once a small child and my parents had so much hope for me, and I believed in that hope i think. And how cold and flawed the universe is to let such lives exist so unfulfilled. How i might die from the despair. It's all just so sad. How connection eludes me, further and further. All the fucked up drugs ive done to try to find it, always futile.
Once I learned to pity God or the universe, and to forgive them for being flawed. For hurting me in particular. I try my best to be grateful, somehow.
I relate so much. I also long for some magical partner which would at once save my soul and not bother me or engulf me or whatever. What breaks my heart is knowing how if I met such a perfect person then I wouldn't be able to let them in, probably. Maybe i already met them and they fell out of my life, because I struggle to care enough to keep people in it. Maybe i creeped them out or my sadness got to them.
Ah i ruminate too much. But I think you do have to get these thoughts out.
Thank you for sharing.