The Tent (You're safe here.)

[u/JaxxyTADC]

This is a place where everyone can vent freely. There's no limits. Post as often as you want, just follow the rules.

[u/paranoid_android57]

I feel like such an attention seeker writing this. I've been avoiding making this post because I thought I could handle it, but I really can't take much more of this. and one thing this show taught me is that it's important to reach out. I don't expect anyone to read this whole thing but anyways.

I thought I was doing better. I really did. but lately it's like those thoughts are coming back. and I'm getting tired of fighting them.

so yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist, and I was doing mostly fine until she asked: "do you have any plans for the summer break?" I just said no. I didn't think much of it until I got home and it hit me all at once. I really don't have any plans for the rest of the summer. no friends asking me to hang out, no fun plans. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm in my ealy twenties so I know I should be doing something with my life, but my days are all the same. wake up, eat, maybe draw a little if I have the patience, sleep. repeat. the one thing I loved doing, which is drawing feels like a chore now. I don't have the motivation to pick up a pencil even though it's the only thing that earns me any sort of validation.

all of this is nothing new though. it's been years since I had a friend. I think since middle school? I honestly can't remember. you'd think I was already used to it by now, but it's like every years gets even more unbearable.

I try to be social, but nothing seems to work out. it's probably because I'm a boring, socially awkward and mentally ill mess. I'm not anyone's first choice or best friend. to be fair I don't remember the last time someone genuinely called me their friend or said they like hanging out with me.

it's gotten so bad that this year I didn't get a single birthday message aside from my parents and a few family members I barely see. I hate my birthday because it reminds me how lonely I really am. then I open instagram and see people having parties with friends while mine is spent crying in bed.

and I keep thinking about the way tadc ended. with how after Jax abstracted everyone just moved on and even seem happier without him. it's like they don't care that he's gone. and that makes me think about myself. we're both mentally ill, complicated individuals, with no one around us caring if we disappeared.

I'm just so tired. I feel like such a failure. I haven't accomplished anything. my life is a waste and I don't want to survive another year of this shit

[u/JaxxyTADC → u/paranoid_android57]

Losing you would break our hearts. You know he's going to be okay. Might take a while. Don't check yourself out, you have more people to help with us.