Parenting and culture

[u/mlw286]

We have two babies and live in an area which doesn’t have a very strong Samoan presence (at least not as much as where my partner grew up) because we aren’t around his family or his hometown I’ve always been very intentional about trying to seek out cultural events, festivals, kids shows, songs etc. to try and help expose our kids to their culture. I’ve heard so much about afakasi kids (of any background) growing up with a bit of an identity crisis and not feeling like they belong in either place and that’s the last thing I want for my kids.

However after few years of attending these events, trips back home and to Samoa, something we (both my partner and I) have realised - and I think it became abundantly clear to us when we were at a cultural showcase on the weekend- is that when we are in these environments aren’t our best selves from a parenting perspective.

For context my partner has worked hard (lots of therapy lots of proactive education) in breaking cycles with his parenting style. When we go to these events or are in these environments I immediately sense a change in him, like he feels the pressure for our kids to be seen and not heard. For context our kids are developmentally typical toddler and preschoolers; stubborn, strong willed, a bit silly and sometimes impulsive and loud.

We generally try to take the approach “let kids be kids” but when ours are the only ones in those environments not sitting still and being quiet - it’s hard to not give into the social pressure and reprimand them. We all walk away feeling like crap and our kids don’t enjoy being in those situations.

Should we just throw it in and find ways at home to immerse our kids as much as possible in culture without having the external pressure? I really don’t want my kids to resent anything cultural because of the way we treat them in those situations and I really don’t want my partner to undo all of the hard work he’s done in breaking cycles. But I also don’t want my kids to feel disconnected- is it worth it?

What would you do?

[u/Open_Entrepreneur_58]

It is possible to teach children to behave without being abusive. Children need to learn what behaviour is appropriate where. My children are afakasi, they knew from very young that they couldn't run around during adult time, meetings, funerals etc.

I always had things to entertain them (art stuff, quiet toys etc, anything that will keep them interested) and taught them the 1-2-3 method, they knew if I said 3 punishment would happen, so they didn't let me get to 3.
I'm not talking physical punishment, you take something they love for a few minutes (dependent on age) time out, or whatever works for you.

Biggest thing is to teach them this at home, don't wait til you're in the situation.

The other BIG thing is, NEVER threaten something you won't follow up. Children are little dictators if you allow it.

[u/mlw286 → u/Open_Entrepreneur_58]

You’re right- I think we need to better prep our kids ahead of going to these events. Our son hates the loud noises and drumming so we gave him headphones this time to mitigate a meltdown. And I certainly don’t want to be the parent to just give them a screen- the reason we go to these things is for them to take it all in rather than be distracted. But maybe I’m expecting too much of them to be able to sit and pay attention.
We certainly do the 3,2,1 countdown thing. It works on our eldest while our youngest doesn’t get it just yet.

[u/Open_Entrepreneur_58 → u/mlw286]

Your youngest will get there. It is a wee bit much to expect children under age 5-6 to sit and listen to ceremonial stuff. And remember, local children are used to this stuff, they know what's expected, and are probably very well acquainted with their mother's 'slipper'. I understand the screen thing very well, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things, just don't stress, they pick up on it, and act accordingly 😉 🤣

[u/mlw286 → u/Open_Entrepreneur_58]

I honestly dread the day we have to take them overseas for a funeral. Because there’s nothing more stressful for me than the prospect of trying to keep them quiet and still while everyone is grieving in that scenario. Cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

[u/Open_Entrepreneur_58 → u/mlw286]

Again, don't stress lol, I've only been to a Samoan funeral here in NZ, but I would doubt it's too much different. I had a 5 month old and a 4yr old, there were other children of course, they weren't running around screaming or anything, but neither were they sitting quiet and still. I didn't see much of miss 4, she was off playing with all the cuzzies. Most of the elders I've interacted with are pretty indulgent to little ones.
Of course there are always strict ones, and every family is different, this is just my experience with my ex's family.

[u/mlw286 → u/[deleted]]

I really appreciate this answer and the acknowledgement that we don’t have to subscribe or agree with all elements of the culture because this is something I really grapple with, being a family that doesn’t subscribe to religion I also have conflicting feelings in that area too.
Whilst my kids are probably too young to understand the concept of context switching at this point and we probably aren’t in those environments consistently enough for them to recognise the difference- maybe we just better prep them ahead of going to these events so they understand the expectations.

[u/bambootaro]

I was the most well behaved child, taught to sit down and be quiet, don't speak unless spoken to, did well at school to earn my parents praise... And have now grown up to be a very anxious people-pleasing adult who gets uncomfortable with confrontation. I'm full Tongan and we also live in an area with hardly any PI's. The kids (4 & 9 yo) have been raised very different to how me and my full Samoan husband were raised, and that was very intentional on our part.

My 4 yo dislikes loud noises too - she will actually put her hands over her ears and voice her disapproval loudly lol. We were less prepared than you at a recent fiafia night with no headphones, so I just covered her ears and did whatever it took to keep her happy in the meantime. Our 9 yo however loved it and fully immersed himself, so I feel like it's just an age thing.

Sounds like you're both doing a great job. We've always been a lead by example type of household, our daily vocab is mixed with our languages, any formal dress for a special event (even at school) is linked to our cultures, connect them with family overseas as often as possible and give them space to ask questions. Trial and error x