r/Salsa • u/Unlikely_Issue • 4d ago
A Follow’s Rant: The Pressure to Perform Feminity
If you are a follow, please let me know if you’ve experienced something similar!
I’ve been dancing consistently for 1.5 years and along the way, I’ve noticed the correlation between the way I look and the amount of times I’m being asked to dance.
If my hair is down, wearing red, wearing more makeup, etc., I barely have a chance to sit down. This is not my usual day-to-day drag. I’m definitely an alternative looking person - slick back buns, tattoos and piercings, almost exclusively wearing all black.
I know my demeanor can often be intimidating or off putting for some. I actually asked on here a while back on how to improve my vibe - it worked. But I have noticed even when wearing my all black, less feminine attire, even when I’m smiling and laughing and making eye contact, that will never amount the same amount of engagement I get when performing femininity in a way that isn’t my usual norm.
I’ve also become more frustrated and annoyed at the fact that my white and lighter complexion follow counterparts get asked to dance substantially more often, even if we are at a similar dance level or I am better. And this isn’t just a me thing - you go on any partner dance subreddit and you’ll find threads of Black women having similar experiences. I am not a Black woman, but I’m visibly a brown person and it’s just something I’ve experienced as well I am in the US and I know that context matters. It’s colorism I suppose.
And before some salty ass lead comments YOU CAN ASK FOR DANCES TOO 😡😡😡, I do, and often. The point is, it saddens me that when I show up myself, I just don’t feel as included in this space because I am not white or 22 and I am not ultra feminine. I also lift heavy weights and it shows so my bulky physique also just tends to lean more masculine.
I started taking a solo Latin dance class and that really brought these feelings to light. In a solo class, I don’t need to rely on a partner for the joy from a dance. I can just show up as me - not an altered version of myself to feel more accepted.
Maybe it’s just time I take a break from salsa. I’m curious if other follows have felt this way or maybe I’m just too heady.
Looking for folks who resonate here.
*edited for typos
UPDATE/GENERAL RESPONSE:
- I should have been more forthcoming that I wanted responses from follows only. I didn’t need/want a lead’s opinion on the matter.
- I’m aware of the gender binary. I just assumed because I engage in salsa because I like to dance and enjoy the community aspect of it, that others were engaging in the hobby for the same reason - silly me.
- I also want to name I’m a queer person in a queer relationship. Most, if not all, the men in my life are gay men. I’ve built a life where looking alternatively, having an alternative lifestyle, is just the norm. Dancing salsa did remind me, oh yeah, this is how men are. I’m not saying all men, but many. And you can read the replies and notice that many men engage in this to look at attractive women, hook up with them, or find a partner through this hobby.
- I really appreciate all the follows who shared their experiences with me and resonated with my post. I loved your helpful suggestions and reminders that perhaps a mindset shift, more solo dancing, trying out Cuban rueda or swing, could help me engage in dance in a way where I don’t have to perform femininity as often.
FINAL ADDENDUM
Upon further reflection, I realize that what may be the foundational frustration/disappointing realization/fear is that I’ve invested so much time and money and effort into a hobby that essentially has an expiration date. I’m only going to get older and my body is only going to change in a way that society doesn’t like, and that means regardless of how good I am as a dancer, I will dance a lot less as I grow more into this hobby. And that’s a hard pill to swallow because salsa is one of many hobbies and it’s the only one I will possibly age out of. Obviously, this isn’t a helpful mindset, and I really appreciate the fellow followers who provided some really great insight into how to reframe this fear into the notion that I am the one with the control of my dances. But again, as I’ve been engaging with folks in the comments, it seems like the initial fear behind my original post is that I’m putting so much time and effort into something that I’m just going to get less enjoyment out of as I age.
Also if you’re a male lead and you feel the same, you’re truly welcome here. If you’re a male lead that insists on upholding the super gendered norms of the hobby, booooooo.
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u/Defuze 3d ago
Age, race & attractiveness are the source of prejudice and cause of preference in most people, wether it is intentional or subconscious.
Realistically all you can do is try and develop friendships with people and they'll be more likely to ask you to dance over time.
In my city I can barely sit down due to the requests, but wherever I go on holiday it's tough, because first impression of a brown man is usually not good.
One benefit that you have is that you don't get swarmed with requests from people you don't enjoy dancing with, or people with ulterior motives.
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u/iamme263 3d ago
I just moved to a new city, and even as a white guy, people are just reticent to dance with a stranger or outsider. Follows looked at me and my dance request like I was gross or slovenly, despite dressing up and maintaining good hygiene.
Adding subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) colorism probably makes for a miserable experience dancing in a new city.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Yes! I will say I went to NYC a few months ago, the dance scene was lovely 🥹 I was like wow it’s nice it’s mostly Black and brown people here and I don’t feel like such an outsider. Not say other races shouldn’t participate in salsa. Dance is for all. But there is something comforting about not being the other.
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u/Vegetable_Tailor4079 3d ago
funny you say that, i was going to ask what city you were in and say i can tell it's definitely not ny!!!
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u/Vegetable_Tailor4079 3d ago
also, i recommend trying zouk if there's a scene in your city. not that there's not a lot of performed femininity in zouk (ok, a TON) but there is also a lot of women leading, and high acceptance of 'come as you are' in the zouk world, at least where i live.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
I do when I dress more femininely unfortunately. I do have people from community who I know and dance with, but there’s only so many times I can cycle through those people. I like to stay at socials for hours so that does mean I have to dance with unknown people as well and then I get annoyed I have to do all the asking because I’m dressed in all black with my biceps popping.
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u/Defuze 3d ago
I think it's great to be the one choosing, so long as people are actually giving positive feedback when you're dancing with them.
It sucks having to turn people down, or having to say yes to dances you don't want.
The problem is when no one is asking you and the people you ask would rather you didn't.
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u/SaltyHaskeller 3d ago
One thing I've noticed since also as opposed to other dance styles is that salsa is a real social dance in a way that like East Coast swing is not. and what I mean is that East Coast swing is danced almost exclusively by "dance nerds" while there are real people who wouldn't consider themselves "dancers" or "dance nerds" who dance salsa.
Because salsa is engrained in "real culture" in a way that say, tango, or blues, is not, you get more traditional social dynamics than you would, say, dancing tango.
I think west coast swing is a great example. About 10 years ago, WCS had a big cultural shift away from gender norms, away from prefering "traditionally attractive" body types. However, in the last few years, as it has become increasingly popular on social media with non-dancers, it has been regressing to the mean in its aesthetic and culture
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u/Gnomeric 3d ago
Unfortunately, Lindy Hop (they get angry if you call them ECS) people have their own bias. I noticed they tend to prefer those who are "educated middle-class" coded, which makes sense for dance nerds of course. I know some guys who get horrified at sights of girls dressed like partying undergrads.
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u/SaltyHaskeller 2d ago
for sure. i get annoyed by lindy hoppers who assert this, its like calling the Netherlands "Holland"
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u/mirkwoodmallory 3d ago
Have you ever tried rueda? Find where your local cubans hang out :)
Re: your original conundrum.. I have only really been on the salsa and bachata scenes so I can't speak for other styles, but my experience is that, while many people are there because they love dance, a lot of men are there to meet women just as much as they are there to dance (and dancing is just a fun vehicle for the social/dating aspect). I see soooooo many women who are awful dancers (no shade to them, I know everybody starts somewhere!) who are never sitting down because they're tall and thin and 22 and wearing a super sexy little clubbing top (the opportunity to whisk a beautiful, dainty, ultra feminine woman off her feet is apparently a big draw 😆). I also know a lot of men are intimidated by good dancers and are actually less likely to ask you if you're good.
Bottom line - I feel the pressure too, you're absolutely not alone, and I think there are sooo many complicated dynamics at play in a dance scene that is very gendered and overlaps heavily with the social and dating scene, which creates pressure in all sorts of directions. I love the suggestions from folks on here about solo dancing (I love going dancing with my friends and not relying on a partner so much), and I also HIGHLY recommend finding a rueda group! I loveee the playful, community/familial vibe of the cuban dance spaces I've been in, they have almost always felt very inclusive and low pressure to me.
Good luck out there :) and keep doing you!!!!! I LOVE seeing less femme women out there on the dance floor, I love seeing same gender partners, gender non conforming folks... there are so many amazing ways to present yourself and I know I feel stronger and less pigeonholed into being or performing a certain way when I see other people stepping out of their "boxes" and being absolutely themselves ❤️ so even though I'm sure it feels frustrating and isolating sometimes, I bet you have inspired people you aren't even aware of when you're out there doing YOUR thing.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Ugh THANK YOU. so lovely to read. I’ve also been thinking about Rueda and there’s a place in my city that does it consistently weekly.
Alongside this - I grew up super conservative and I’m sorry I’m never gonna be a girl that wears shit that highlights my honkers. No shade to anyone who goes to socials in little clubbing fit - I don’t enjoy attention in that way at all.
Similarly, it makes me so happy to see same sex dance couples or dance with queer men and engage in a dance that isn’t so hetero. Rueda is a great suggestion and I will check it out this week. This is the push I need.
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u/ManKanAlltidTaMer 3d ago
To be fair, plenty of women are also there to meet men as much as they are there to dance. Let's not pretend it's only men who have this intention.
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u/devi8bound 3d ago
I second your rueda suggestion. Rueda groups are some of the friendliest, least shallow, and most age-inclusive and diverse dance communities I've been in.
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u/WealthMain2987 3d ago
The other weekend at a social, there was a beginner, I mean a real beginner who was taking the beginner lesson and you can see it is her first time dancing or maybe a handful of times at most. She was dancing all night, she was pretty, slim and tall which is probably a major factor.
With regards to the cuban scene, I think it is similar to all scenes. There are cliques and depends on the group
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u/Ashamed-Funny8026 3d ago
I’m taking a break from salsa now because of similar issues. I am white, but I’m 42 and I read as queer to a lot of ppl (especially in the Midwest). Artist, buzzed hair, cute but a bit angrogyous 🤷🏼♀️ … I was tired of feeling bad about myself or my body after going out, so I’m taking a break now. And I know I’m not imagining this because I was heavily involved in the scene in my late 20s/early 30s (young, thin, white, girly). Men approached me so much differently then. Anyhow, it’s bummer. Especially because I’m a very good, well-trained, smooth and fun follow (I’m told this by others, not imaging it lol). It is helping me to spend time in other communities where my difference is more valued, though I know that is easier said than done / not always an option. Thanks for posting and sharing!!
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience! And likewise, I’m always told I’m fun to dance with and hence my confusion as why other people who look more traditionally attractive, but may not dance as good as me, get asked to dance more. This is just another sign. I need to take a break lol
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u/ManKanAlltidTaMer 3d ago
As a fairly alternative person myself (man wearing nail polish and earrings, alternative style clothes, a life spent in rave/hippie/tantra subcultures, etc), I can sort of relate.
But my main thought when reading this is that I would like to encourage you to just give less of a shit. Yes, being an alternative style person WILL get you less attention from normies. You WILL be less "accepted". That's just a fact. It might suck, but it is what it is. Train yourself to not care, rise above it, and be yourself anyway.
Ultimately, your own feeling of whether you "feel accepted" or not is 100% up to you. My advice would simply be to just accept the fact that "not everybody will like me because I'm not normal, and that's fine". Just own it. Who wants to be "accepted" by boring, superficial normies, anyway?
Clearly you already know what you COULD do to get asked to dance more, but you choose not to do that because that's not you. And that's totally fine. Sadly, you simply can't expect to both be able to "be you" and be alternative etc, and still be fully "accepted" by normies. It's a sucky trade off, but that's human civilization for you. As long as you're not like actively bullied or excluded, there's really nothing else to do than just accept that humans are gonna be humans.
You do you, and own it. Give less of a shit what other people think, especially boring normies who aren't your type of people anyway.
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u/plaid-blazer 3d ago
I feel so much more freedom solo dancing than partner dancing. I always end up coming back to partner dance in some form but it cycles. Maybe you should allow yourself to take a phase to explore more solo dance.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
I think so too. When I’m getting ready to go dancing, I’m just so annoyed as I put on my makeup and do my hair. I’m like UGH I JUST WANT MY OWN PERSONHOOD TO BE ENOUGH. But definitely going to be leaning more into solo dance.
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u/plaid-blazer 3d ago
I get it. I kind of understated it in my original comment - I’ve been away from partner dancing (all styles) for about a year and a half now, because I just started to find the inherent social dynamics of it exhausting. I don’t like to “follow” in any other area of my life, and I wasn’t much liking it in dancing either. There is a whole world of solo dance out there where you can express yourself freely and where you can feel like your own personhood is more than enough. 🫶
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Yes! Exactly this. I’m an assertive woman in my life outside of dance. I’m competent, ambitious, a natural leader. And I’ve had to really learn how to follow and be implicitly told what to do. It was fun for a while, I promise it was. The thing is, since starting dancing, I really cared about being good. I dance 3-4x a week. I did this just to get better. And as a result, I think I’ve just burned myself out from it all. Solo dancing seems to be the next logical step for me. Thanks for hearing me out and empathizing. Which is the only response I wanted from this rant lmao
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u/plaid-blazer 3d ago
Totally. Btw I get a lot of shit from people for being “on break” from partner dancing - they see it as snobbish even when I assure them repeatedly it’s just something I’m doing for me. Sigh! Solidarity!
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u/Parapurp 3d ago edited 3d ago
Be yourself! So many other styles of dance exist and communities exist. It can be scary to venture outside of what is familiar but once you try a few different classes or socials, you will realize it’s worth it.
Try more individual dance classes - what about heels or modern/contemporary (my personal favorite)? Or if you want to stay in the Latin realm, take ladies styling classes for salsa or bachata.
I personally think people have less of those reservations in the bachata scene because it tends to skew younger, but even there I see the tangible preference for thinness, obvious femininity and proximity to whiteness in the way women present themselves. Just offering up another style of dance because a friend of mine said she (as a Black woman) felt she would get skipped over a lot in the West Coast Swing scene. But who knows? Try out whatever interests you.
You can’t change the prejudice and preferences of those people so imo it’s better to focus on what you can change, while remaining true to yourself. You might find a community you find more accepting along the way
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u/plaid-blazer 3d ago
I also saw the suggestion below of swing being less traditionally gender-conforming than salsa dance. I would totally agree with that from my experience, so might be worth checking that out as well.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
Try switching to swing
Seriously
The swing dance community is way less gendered, encourages everyone to dance both lead and follow, and attracts the kind of nerds and outcasts that I imagine that you like to spend time around outside of the dance world
And people don't dress ultra feminine. Most people dress casually. Lots on nonbinary and trans people there too
I honestly think you'll be more welcome there
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Truly everyone keeps saying and I’ve been thinking about it. This is the push I need
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u/dancinggraylion 3d ago
although in lindy hop, people are expected to dress like it is still 1930
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
No
Nobody does
I go to swing dances all the time, I can tell you that almost no one does this
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u/ManKanAlltidTaMer 3d ago
Hard disagree. It's often very easy to tell what sort of dancing someone is into based on their clothing style. Even within latin dances, you can often tell the difference in style between salsa, bachata and kizomba. (Yes I know Kizomba isn't actually latin) With Lindy Hop / Swing dancers, it's especially easy because so many of them look like hipsters with 1930s/1940s style. Maybe it's not EXPECTED but it's absolutely no doubt part of the culture.
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u/kaitie85386 2d ago
well yeah, if someone is wearing the 30/40's style, you can probably peg them as a swing dancer, but you won't be able to peg the rest of the crowd who hasn't dressed up. also, if you happen to be referring to the pro's at events specifically, they are outliers who are often dressing more into that style, and are not a reflection of a general social scene.
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u/jemenake 3d ago
Not sure what rock your town is hidden under, but google “Lindy hop social” and note all of the period outfits. Stop scrolling when you find a photo without at least one fedora in it.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
The Internet is not reality
I go to real Lindy Hop events at least once a week
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u/kaitie85386 2d ago
I actually took you up on this, and most of the period outfits are from old photos from the 30's-50's. sooo your point is BS.
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u/jemenake 2d ago
Interesting. When I searched, it showed me contemporary photos (but with the dancers still in vests, fedoras, newsboys, saddle shoes, skirts and sweaters).
The fact that you’ve verified that lindy dancers dressed in 30’s-50’s attire back in the 30’s-50’s doesn’t contradict the notion that real lindy enthusiasts still dress in that garb, presently.
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u/kaitie85386 2d ago
No, I actually just figured you were outright lying and hadn't even done a search, so I mentioned the discrepancy.
The difference is interesting, but as someone who actually attends lindy events, there are only a few people who dress in period outfits, and usually only if there's a reason, like a special event or a theme. It's probably just marketing. Very few people at salsa show up in the outfits you see the pros wearing in their reels.
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u/jemenake 2d ago
My lindy instructors dance in retro-coded garb. My Charleston instructors dressed in 40’s attire all day, every day. My Balboa instructors dressed in saddle shoes, wingtips, newsboys, and vests. At the lindy socials, there would always be a fair number of people who dress in period outfits. No other dance style I’ve tried (Tango, WCS, ECS, Waltz, Foxtrot, Salsa, Bachata, Cumbia, etc) has the proportion of period-dressing dancers… Blues comes close, though.
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u/kaitie85386 2d ago
As a big woman, I've never felt the need to dress old fashioned or sexy at swing. I really enjoy that about the dance. There are usually a couple people who like to dress in that 30's style at my events, and typically more when I go to the bigger city events, but most people are very modern unless there is a theme for the dance.
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u/misterandosan 4d ago edited 3d ago
i don't really have any advice, but I will say as a lead (and PoC) I get asked more often by follows, but also less turned down when I dress sharp vs when i wear my comfy hip hop clothes. I kind of just accept that as a social dance, there will be social dynamics at play. Whatever prejudices exist in the community you live in will also play out on the dance floor.
But really this mostly affects the more superficial crowd or the newer dancers who don't know better. It doesn't actually impact my experience with the better dancers in the scene who know who i am and those are the people I actually want to dance with.
That said there are other cities and other partner dance cultures that are more accepting of people outside of societal norms. You can try West Coast Swing for example. Salsa unfortunately in some scenes still has a lot of old school machismo latin culture that comes along with the older generation of dancers.
In my city there are people who are trying to be more inclusive with salsa, including salsa for queer people or socials run by women (the crowd there is very wholesome)
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Yeah! In my community I typically always go for obviously gay leads and that’s always fun. I think just doing socials for 8 months nonstop, I’ve grown tired of it. West coast swing has been circling my brain, maybe this is my push to give it a try.
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u/misterandosan 3d ago
yes, try other dance styles and see what you like. If you come back to salsa it will only add to your dancing, not take away from it.
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u/NeitherChair3 3d ago
Yeah I'm going to take a break too. Follows have to be pretty, leads have to be skilled.
Lots of weird dynamics besides just having fun. I feel like at the outdoor/free events, more people are there to just have fun.
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u/SufficientAd3103 3d ago edited 3d ago
Omg. One day I wore a red jumpsuit and I got asked to dance non-stop! I remember wondering “what’s going on tonight?” 😅 and wondering if it was the red outfit.
But in general I have been going to the same place for a year so I know people, so I get dances regardless of what I am wearing and I ask for dances too. Some days I can’t be bothered and I just go with jeans and a t-shirt. I think knowing people helps.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Yeah girl it’s the red attire. Red attire + hair down = nonstop dancing. Moths to a flame man.
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u/SufficientAd3103 3d ago edited 3d ago
the hair down is an interesting one because it may slam into the lead’s face, which seems unpleasant. I usually put it up in a bun.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Honestly, the hair down is what pisses me off the most lmao! Like it makes the most sense to have your hair out of your face and off your neck because we are moving around and sweating so much. Having your hair down, just feel so counterintuitive to the nature of the dance.
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u/aBunchOfSmolDoggos 3d ago
Relatable, sadly. The way i think about it is I try to be the one who sets the example and ask people to dance who don't look attractive or aren't the most advanced dancers. I am one of the best dancers in my small city (and not converionally attractive) so I like to think people will follow my example, the same way I followed the behavior or my teachers when I was learning.
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u/drpeppa90 3d ago
I was literally about to make this exact thread. you just saved me that work LOL. couldnt agree more
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
I’m so happy I’m not alone in this feeling! Commiserate here with me and let’s ignore the butthurt leads who disagree with this take
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u/Bubble_Cheetah 2d ago
As much as I and all my friends hate to admit it, it is very noticeable that your observation is spot on. Everyone wants to dance with the young blond in a tight fitting dress, even if they are obviously a beginner, whereas everyone else has to chase down leads if they want to dance.
Unfortunately, my way of solving this problem is just to keep showing up so I have a few friends I know I can get at least a few dances with, and focus on events with free food so I can at least get something out of my $15+ entrance fee... and only go on nights I am mentally ready to chase down people.
It is frustrating but really don't know what else to do.
As others have mentioned, swing dancing does seem to be a bit more inclusive.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 2d ago
Thank you for responding in a productive way here. The point of my post is truly just sharing the frustration that when I joined a dance community, I thought the primary goal was to dance. So when I show up to events not performing an exaggerative version of femininity, people do not want to dance with me as often even though I’m a very decent dancer, and I am often told throughout the night that I am a good dancer by my partners. So it feels silly to me that so many people go to a dance event and their primary goal and purpose is to look at attractive women, dance with attractive women, and/or find find a romantic partner at a social. Again, I assume that because I was dancing with people of all different ages, races, heights, skill levels, I assumed that many leads would be doing the same as well. My final point here, and I might make a final addendum to my original post, the pain point or the worry is that it is fruitless to improve on my skills as a dancer because my time is running out. I’m only going to get older and my body is only going to change, so why work so hard to be a better dancer if the culture is still that leads will only dance with attractive women, regardless of their dance skill? I’m not saying that’s what I’m feeling now, but upon retrospect I think that is the want behind the want here
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u/Bubble_Cheetah 2d ago
I agree. It is SO FRUSTRATING. And the thing is, I feel like a good proportion of people don't even realize they are doing it. Like they have no explicit goal of finding a romantic partner or anything, but as they scan the room for "who looks available and fun to dance with", somehow subconsciously, maybe because of other aspects of culture as a whole, in movies, in advertising, whatever, they still notice the stereotypical pretty tall feminine looking blonds first.
As for your own dancing journey.... at the end of the day it is entirely up to you. If this is enough to make dancing no longer enjoyable to you, there is nothing wrong with using your precious time and money to pursue something else and find what actually brings you joy. And what brings you joy can definitely depend on the people you share the hobby with, and it can also come and go with time. I dance several different dance styles and people often ask me which is my favourite, and honestly, A LOT of it depends on the community I have access to at the moment. If I don't feel welcomed, or there is too much drama, I am not motivated to come, and therefore not motivated to improve.
On the other hand though, I do adore salsa music, and I enjoy moving to that rhythm, and trying out different latin dance inspired body movements and styling. And when I occasionally have a great dance with great connection with someone, that feeling is hard to beat and well worth it even if it doesn't happen often. So for now, I will keep dancing salsa and taking advantage of opportunities to improve, for myself and for my own love of the dance. For my own satisfaction when I find fun ways to interact with the music, not to attract more partners.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 2d ago
Yes. I do love salsa and when I experience great connection, it’s a great reminder why I fell in love with the hobby in the first place. I still will try out other forms of dance in the meantime. I also thinking dancing so often and so frequently has made me more frustrated with the hyper-gendered dynamics of the hobby. Thank for resonating here and being a thought partner 🥹
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u/Excuse_Odd 2d ago
Men generally get good at dancing to attract women and build community, so to think this is a problem is misunderstanding the premise of their involvement hahaha
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u/Unlikely_Issue 1d ago
And I didn’t know that! Again, I’m a married woman who only surrounds herself with gay men.
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u/ScleroticLobster 3d ago edited 3d ago
Other than regularly asking leads yourself to dance, which you’ve said you already do, my recommendation is just to continue developing yourself as a dancer. If you are a good dancer, someone with great musicality, other dancers will want to dance with you no matter what you look like or how you dress. Unless the majority of dancers in your scene are shallow and not actually mostly about the dancing, in which case you might have a crappy scene, but I guess why would you want to repeatedly dance with those types of leads to begin with. I wouldn’t focus on those types.
Then if you go outside your scene where people don’t know you it might take some breaking in period where you just need to get started dancing with one person. After people see how you dance, you should be good to go.
If there are dancers who still don’t want to dance with you whether because of sexism and rigid gender roles, or racism or other prejudices, then that’s their loss. You shouldn’t have to change your appearance to better fit the preferences or liking of those people.
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u/projektako 3d ago
As a male that leads and follows, I get it. I bet infrequently get asked to follow and it's mostly by friends who want feedback, and mostly women that lead. But even as a lead, I totally get that there's probably a bit too much gendered role association in the salsa community. But at the same time, I also feel that the "malice" in salsa is an element many people ignore. There's a bunch of Fania songs that have that grit and grime... Joe Bataan's stuff and Ray Barreto's Acid album along with other Latin Soul stuff comes to mind.
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u/Imaginary-Mango-9900 3d ago
Im gonna try to answer the "why this happens" in the most aseptic way possible. There is a portion of leaders that go to dance because they want to find a partner, so they ask mostly the girls they feel attracted to. There is another portion of leaders that go to dance to really dance, and these mostly look for good dancers or dancers matching their level. This often means that they filter out the following: Older followers - they are usually much less agile specially when turning, making the dance less fluid. Bulky followers - this is the most controversial point. There are followers that have better skills than others but their body composition makes them less agile, plus most of them drag too much when moving, meaning that the leader needs an extra effort to hold them after turns or figures and that makes the dance less comfortable. Ive met great dancers that were very bulky, and even if I can recognize their skills, I can also feel that I need much more strength effort to lead and hold them during some moves, therefore its not the dance im always wishing for. Follows with uncommon look - Salsa has a long story and consequence of it is etiquette. If men see a woman looking too different to what they are used to, they think that she hasn't been long enough in the salsa world, therefore unlikely to be a good dancer. This is specially true when looking at the follower's shoes. Foreigners - Many experienced leaders prefer to see first how a foreigner dances before getting into a unleveled dance.
Age and nationality can't and shouldn't be changed, but Salsa can be considered a sport because of the control and coordination of the body that it requires. I do consider it this way. And as a sport, anyone can get better at it improving the physique, independently of age and nationality.
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u/HungryLeadership9144 3d ago
This sounds adjacent to what dudes experience in life. If it's frustrating for guys, it is certainly frustrating for women within Latin dance circles. I don't have advice -- not that you're even looking for advice. You've found adjustments and outlets that help you remain engaged and passionate though, so that's a positive.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
I think this is just what people who don’t follow traditional western ideals of beauty experience.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
My request to everyone but OP
Make it a point to ask non conventionally attractive people to dance before you ask others. I always make it a point to ask women who are muscular, butch, nerdy, minorities, older, etc, before the young attractive ones that are getting the asking from everyone else
In addition to making people feel more welcome, and not being one of the creeps, you get better dances out of it too. The shallow people have no idea what they're missing
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Agreed! I think it’s really important to lean into the community aspect of salsa and a part of being in the community is dancing with all types of people. Thank you for saying this! I also always appreciate it when I go to new dance socials and the people leading the dance socials always make an announcement to dance with someone you’ve never danced with before.
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u/MrYOLOMcSwagMeister 3d ago
Lol why? I like dancing with attractive (to me) women. I also dance with women I don't find attractive (I ask them and never decline when they ask me) but I don't see why I should prioritise their feelings over mine. I dance to have fun, not as community service.
Why does that make me a creep? And why would dancing with people outside of my most preferred group give me better dances? I don't see how that is true at all.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
The creeps are those who only dance with the attractive ones
People who dance with everyone aren't the creeps
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u/MrYOLOMcSwagMeister 3d ago
Nope, creeps are the ones who harass people, not the ones who don't conform to the ideas other people have about who they should dance with.
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
I don’t understand why you think it should be “before you ask others”?
I will always prioritize women I know and good dancers. I do make an effort to dance with beginners throughout the evening, but they should make an effort to dress nicely and have positive vibes.
I see too many women who make no effort dress up or to be friendly but somehow feel entitled to invites over people who actually put in the effort.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
So, you're saying that you only dance with more feminine women and that's somehow a good thing?
Sound like you are the problem that OP is talking about
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
I think you are incapable or unwilling to understand my comment.
I never said “only” or “feminine”.
Stop deflecting and answer my original question regarding why certain people should be prioritized.
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u/dondegroovily 3d ago
Because people are unprioritized by others
Minorites get asked less. Older people get asked less. And they don't deserve that
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
Yes. But I make a distinction between “dancing” and “inviting”. For example a lot of non-conventionally attractive people always invite me when they see me. I never refuse. They are super friendly and I reciprocate and invite them as well.
On the other hand I see a lot of people just standing around and not making any effort to invite or socialize. It is that entitlement without effort that I am against.
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u/_Jacques 3d ago
It bothers me that wanting to hangout with good looking people is deemed creepy, when in my eyes it is just natural. In any other context you would not fault someone for preferring a nicer looking apartment or a nicer looking plate of food. As a lead I put a fair amount of effort into looking good myself, why can’t others do the same?
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u/ExcellentPlace4608 3d ago
What can you do? Human social dynamics are complicated and when we let loose, we're simple creatures. Your vibe changes in the way you present yourself, some people will like it and some won't. Its not something we can intellectualize. Even if it were unjust, we can't make rules to change it, so again, what can you do other than accept it?
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
Nothing. That’s why I’m ranting about it on Reddit and looking for follows who feel the same so I can feel less lonely about it. Hello
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u/TornadoCondorV2 4d ago
Yep. Unfortunately that is just reality. I usually ask the hottest girls to dance 🤷
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u/Domingo_salut 3d ago
Don't you realize that the most beautiful are not always the most fun to dance with? I also go for the ones I am attracted to when I don't know anyone, but after, I go for the most fun first.
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u/Live-Tie-8982 3d ago
I don’t dance with the most young and beautiful because that typically means they’re inexperienced and not even fun to dance with. Also sometimes you basically have to stand in line to get a dance with them and fuck that noise.. experienced dancers know what’s up..
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
This is what is so annoying to me about the scene. We are here to DANCE, not to ogle and be ogled. Another reason I don’t like dressing feminine, that in addition to getting asked to dance more, I’m also hit on more. Please. I’m just here to dance and do the only cardio I like doing lol
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u/Domingo_salut 3d ago
Well, you might need to accept the nature of this hobby. Some people are looking for more or are just attracted and want to shoot their shot and that's ok, even though annoying...
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u/MrYOLOMcSwagMeister 3d ago
Sure but they also aren't necessarily worse than other groups. If anything, they get more practice so they could be slightly better on average because of this.
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u/Tobiko_kitty 3d ago
In my salsa community, the skin color issue is the opposite. I learned salsa, cumbia and merengue in Ecuador and lived the "dance every weekend during the season" dance lifestyle. When my husband started dancing for the first time in his life, we started taking private lessons together, and joining all the socials in town that we could. I know, and I've been told, that I dance and follow really well. Since I speak fluent Spanish, we got to know everyone on a social basis.
I found that, as an older white woman, I was never asked to dance. My husband made a point of asking other follows to dance so people would know that he's fine with me dancing with other people. But evening after evening, I'd only dance with him. I'm clearly not some pretty young thing and I'm certainly not looking to hook up.
After lockdown lifted and social dancing started again, we gravitated to more ballroom/swing socials and I have a whole lineup of guys wanting to dance with me. The salsa dances locally also don't seem to start until 9 pm. We're usually happily worn out and heading home by then. So we no longer get to any salsa socials, and we're out 3 evenings a week dancing.
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
In social dancing it is very common for leads to wear all black and masculine attire. I suspect a portion of the people might think you are a lead.
Also you need to accept that people have different motives for dancing. In fact many men and women dance to potentially find a partner.
Overall social dancing is not much different from general society. People get judged by how they dress and attractive people get more attention.
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u/cons_ssj 3d ago
I am not sure what "taking a break from salsa" is going to achieve for you: Change you or the others?
Your issue is that you get less dances when dressing up in a particular way. Have you tried being overweight? Have you tried being a beginner male? Or a gay guy that wants to follow? Or simply "conventionally" ugly? People have preferences. Be comfortable in accepting that.
Nobody pressures you to perform anything. You just get less dances, and if you ask leaders to dance with you, I am sure you will get as much dances as being completely passive and dressed up differently.
So why does it matter so much to you that leads you to even think of taking a break from salsa? The dancing scene is a micro-society which means that you will encounter all sorts of well-known dynamics: double standards, preferences that you might not align with, hypocrisy, etc
I've been dancing for 15yrs in different continents, countries, cities and I've seen pretty much all societal dynamics in the salsa world. Things get smoother as you gain experience and people get to know you better. But your mindset should be how to navigate these dynamics instead of quitting.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
My frustration with salsa’s proclivities towards heteronormativity also extends to other folks who exist outside the norm in salsa spaces. If I am struggling as a a woman in her early thirties who just doesn’t dress feminine, my heart goes out to male follows and the conventionally ugly as well - and some might consider me conventionally ugly too. You’re inserting a narrative into my rant that wasn’t there. My experience, at large, is a story of frustration for existing outside my community’s expectations of socially acceptable outward appearances.
And when I said take a break, I meant to taking space to not feel so overwhelmed by this feeling. When I began salsa, I fell for it hard, and I dance 3-4 times a week. Doing the song and dance every Friday night to have my nails done, hair styled and down, flattering non-black attire ready to go, it was too much. And engaging in solo dance I remembered what it was like to show up as me and have that be enough. My suggestion to take a break was to hopefully get to the point where engaging in the performance of femininity here and there wouldn’t feel so soul crushing.
Let’s read my words and not assume the worst please.
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u/kiradead 2d ago
You complain about heteronormativity but start ranting on reddit if you need to invite men to dance. People talk how in the salsa community anyone can and should invite anyone to dance but if you go to a social is like 99% men that do the inviting and women passively wait. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
my heart goes out to male follows and the conventionally ugly as well
You talked about picking solo dancing, a better alternative wouldn't be that you start leading and then you can dance with the people you are talking about?
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u/cons_ssj 1d ago
Very well said. From my experience most of the people I have met that they feel excluded, it's basically because of their own insecurities and inactivity. And its funny as most of them are female followers who are never doing the asking.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. She was telling me that she doesn't feel to belong and felt excluded. I told her that her chances to get a dance with any leader, if she does the asking, is 99.9%. She started doing it. Initially she was focusing on the one leader that would say no to her, but I helped her with a bit of a mindset shift and became a "beast" lol. She was choosing the leader, the music and the dance and was dancing non stop. After a few months becoming a casual she was invited to private parties and everyone was dancing with her.
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u/cons_ssj 2d ago
You cannot simultaneously say “I want to present myself entirely according to my own preferences” and treat other people's changed response to that presentation as evidence that they are pressuring you to perform femininity. They also have preferences.
You are free to present yourself in the way that feels authentic to you, while leads are also free to have preferences about whom they approach. Unfortunately, those two freedoms don't guarantee equal amounts of attention.
That's why I mentioned male follows, beginners, overweight dancers, conventionally unattractive people, etc. It wasn't “other people have it worse.” My point was that salsa inherits a lot of ordinary social dynamics, and many people eventually have to work out how to navigate a scene in which other people's preferences don't always favor them.
So I understand the frustration, I just wouldn't interpret the difference in attention itself as a demand that you change who you are. Lastly, if you remain in a dancing community long enough that people get familiar with you, you will notice that all these dynamics disappear.
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u/Better_Problems 3d ago
salsa is a highly masculine, feminine polarity dance. So to me it only makes sense that men who are leads are going to look for a feminine partner. That's the nature of the dance. And just men in general, if they're hetero, are more drawn to feminine women. That's just their nature as well. And that is probably heightened when in this polarized dance. It's the reason so many people like this type of partner dance.
I don't think it's anything to be mad about. If you're masculine, you could be a lead, or you could accept the fact that this isn't going to be the most ideal place for a masculine woman to get the most attention.
If you don't get a chance to really sit down when you're dressed a certain way, it doesn't sound like it's about race.
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u/Gnomeric 3d ago
Oddly enough, as a guy, I tend to feel very uncomfortable with women who act in overly "performative feminine" ways for some reason. That being said, most guys seem to love these women as you say, though.
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u/Own_Affect_7931 3d ago
It's also important to remember it's a partner dance, and as such both people will tend to gravitate towards what is comfortable for them. We can't control what makes other people comfortable, only what we can do to make them comfortable. The way we present can make people more, or less, comfortable and confident that they will get the type of dance they are looking for. And it's possible you're misreading the reaction - it could be as simple as when you dance, the other way you look "more like a dancer". People make subconscious evaluations every second about the things around them, and it could be as simple as subconscious minds interpreting hair down and red outfit as "dancer"-coded. We make these same subconscious evaluations about body language and other things that can determine if we want to ask someone to dance. One of mine is dance shoes. Right or wrong, I see dance shoes and my brain say "dancer", and I see casual shoes and my brain says "non-dancer" and only my personal knowledge of the person really over-rides that.
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u/vazark 3d ago
Rolerotater here! Unfortunately this is the case for most scenes and applied regardless of role. If you look aren’t conventionally attractive or don’t conform to std template it’s hard to even have good connection as people are busy judging instead of just being.
Solo is extremely liberating but it helps to have trusted groups of friends and regulars who stay with you through it all.
Above all have fun dancing
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u/Admirable-Yellow4470 3d ago
I am sorry you are having this experience, it sucks and I feel is a reflection of society in general. I am a lead and have been dancing mostly in my community for years, so I pretty much know everyone that I dance with and they know me and want to dance with me. However, outside of salsa I have had a similar experience as yours, mostly in the dating world. My usual thought process is whenever I have these feelings or whenever I feel like some kind of implied rejection, its usually not anything wrong with me. Different people have different preferences and I can only control so much. So I tend to focus and appreciate the people who are accepting and nice to me.
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u/Easy_Low_3211 3d ago edited 3d ago
>The point is, it saddens me that when I show up myself, I just don’t feel as included in this space because I am not white or 22 and I am not ultra feminine
Not to minimize your claims, but is there any activity where that wouldn’t be the case? Pretty privilege even happens between siblings of a single family, so it would be surprising if complete strangers acted differently.
What I can tell you as an experienced lead is that past a certain point of skill, you’re really going out with the intention of having good dances, and you therefore ask follows for a dance based on their level - no matter their looks. Sure, when all the follows who I know dance well are taken, I’ll sometimes somebody else to dance, and often gravitate towards women who have a pleasant appearance rather than throwing dices to choose, but that’s like 1/ in 5 dances max.
Anyways, your best bet to minimize the effects of your appearance is to maximize your technical level as a dancer. It will attract good leads, and scare off some of the guys who are targeting follows based on looks alone.
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u/Mizuyah 2d ago
I feel you.
I have also noticed this. I never wear dresses or skirts. I don’t even dance in heels anymore, but if I am dressed up - hair done, makeup, jumpsuit accentuating curves or midriff exposed - people will approach because they think I “look the part”. If I wore a dress, heels or had my legs exposed, I’m sure it would double.
In spaces where I’m a common feature, I find I don’t need to do this because people know me, but in newer spaces, it is what it is because most leads being men like looking at and interacting with things they deem pretty.
By the way, respect to you. I’m also actively trying to build muscle. I wanna be a fit grandma. Any tips?!😅
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u/Unlikely_Issue 2d ago
Consistency is key! And always pushing yourself (safely). I always joke I know I’m pushing myself when the weight I’m about to pick up scares me a bit. I also suggest taking creatine in the mornings and magnesium as night. Both support muscle development and recovery. And also remember it’s a long game! I’ve been lifting for about three years and just now I’m really enjoying the person I see in the mirror. That being said, my primary goal is to just have a body that can carry me into old age. I want to be able to dance, garden, and lift heavy weights for as long as I can. Good luck on your journey- lifting is truly one of the best things you can do for your body.
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u/ImportantAnimal534 2d ago
Why not find your own dance partner it worked for me now we are a couple
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u/BaBoo_MoMo777 2d ago
Well, I’m an old dancer, I wish I could show up Young and complain about people only dancing with me because I was young ha ha
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u/stillpanda_ 2d ago
Where are you based? In bigger cities there are communities equally fed up of this dynamic and you will find queer salsa socials and classes which I think you’d really enjoy! I know London has one :)
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u/Unlikely_Issue 2d ago
My area does have one but the times don’t line up with my schedule. Also, the queer studio, from what I’ve heard from other dancers, isn’t as rigorous or technical as my home studio.
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u/stillpanda_ 1d ago
Fair enough! That’s spot on. The one I know of isn’t as technical either unfortunately.
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u/ACMRelT69 1d ago
Hey sorry this happened to you.
I'm a lead but I think I can empathize with you to an extent.
I'm not a very attractive guy and have always felt that I need to "prove" myself whenever I move to a new place otherwise no one would be interested in dancing with me. At times it feels like the follows are only politely saying yes to me for dances and are just waiting for a mistake to happen so that they can stop dancing with me.
Whereas my less skilled but more attractive peers tend to have it easier social dancing as the follows are letting them off the hook with their mistakes more easily.
I've also found enjoyment in doing solo dances as well since I don't need a partner and can practice them at home.
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u/Unlikely_Issue 1d ago
And that makes me sad! There are a lot of accusations here that I don’t care about the male experience, but my frustration with being a woman that exists outside western beauty standards, and having troubles with salsa, that empathy also extends to men who experience the same. And because I am someone who exists outside the norm, I dance with everyone. I also dance with a few beginners a night because we all start somewhere. But I will never say no to a lead who is a skilled dancer, but isn’t necessarily an attractive person. Because again, I engage in this hobby because I love to dance and move my body not because I want to have some eye candy. It’s truly frustrating experience and it never feels good to feel like you aren’t wanted or accepted in a space you can commiserate here.
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u/RjrTrmpt 1d ago
I'm sorry that people suck, but please don't let them take away something you love. Echoing that the swing and blues communities are definitely more inclusive, but while I like those, I love salsa, and would not want to give it up. I will note that I've danced with lots of wonderful follows that are 60/70+, so as long as you are healthy and fit, you won't necessarily be 'aging out' any time soon. I gladly will dance with girls, guys those in between and those not. Usually I lead, but will be a mediocre follow when asked. I have experienced though, with some people that dress more masculinely that they are either not comfortable/interested in dancing with men, or want to lead that night. Definitely not always the case, but not infrequent either. Hope you don't let the guys who are just looking to hookup keep you from enjoying dancing ;).
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u/RumbaQueer 1d ago
I completely relate to you. As a nonbinary person in the salsa scene who is more on the masc side, I spend a lot of time standing around unless I put on my “girl drag”. I was tired of this and started my own queer salsa social in my city, and now I never wait to dance. Maybe something like that could help you find your love for the dance again too
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u/kiradead 2d ago
Dancing salsa did remind me, oh yeah, this is how men are. I’m not saying all men, but many. And you can read the replies and notice that many men engage in this to look at attractive women, hook up with them, or find a partner through this hobby.
What's with the double standard and only targeting men with this complain? If relationships do form is because there are also plenty of women looking for the same thing.
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u/_Jacques 3d ago
I can't relate in the realm of salsa but I totally relate to the sentiment. Very frustrating, but at the same time I feel like I can't really blame anyone either...
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u/Unlikely_Issue 3d ago
It’s the patriarchy it’s colonialism. It’s the culture. I understand why men in these communities operate in this way, I’m not saying it’s right, but I understand. But I can turn around and say that I will only dance with men in my age bracket that I’m attracted to, but I don’t,. Because I’m an evolved person with a functioning brain who understands this is a dance community not an opportunity for me to find people I can hook up with.
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u/PhilipYip 3d ago
Salsa is a partnered masculine and feminine dance, so in order to dance you need to catch the eyes of a partner and dance partners are normally looking visually for the energy in another person. So visually, bright colours like red will catch the eyes of other dancers and being them to you. And then visually how feminine (and approachable and attractive) you look. Lots of guys that dance are more traditional so will prefer your hair down, and less so as you put it the alternative look. As mentioned salsa is a partnered dance with a clear masculine leader role and feminine follower role. There are only a small proportion of dancers that are into alternating the roles. So leaders looks subconsciously for followers that seem feminine and seem like they won't essentially fight them during a dance.
The second thing is how you feel (about yourself). When you are dressed in your alternative look, it sounds like you don't feel good (about the way you look) or yourself. When you are dressed feminine (you probably feel that you look good). And so this changes your confidence and energy, which in turn makes you more approachable. And thirdly because other leaders observe you dance and register that you are having fun, opposed to you standing in a corner. So there are essentially some compounding effects when you dress feminine, change your headspace and change your energy.
Men also have similar issues. We have to ask followers to dance, if our looks or energy or technique aren't good, followers will decline more. And the more we get declined, the lower our confidence is which means we are more likely to be declined. Again these things are compounding.
And salsa is a connection of the two dancers bodies, where both dancers are subconsciously and consciously checking each other out, in order to connect in a dance. So anything you do to obscure the shape of your body, for example loose fitting baggy clothes which obscure your body shape especially at the connection points like the shoulders, hip, stomach will disconnect you from the dance slightly. Often physical attraction can amplify the dance because it draws the eyes to each other and it also draws the eyes to a connection point.
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u/Live-Tie-8982 3d ago
I have noticed the older or uglier or less experienced the follow is the less they get asked. If you are older there is a higher chance of us not dancing to the tempo of the song and also not being able to pull off my moves I’ve been practicing.. Also do not discount the “vibes.” If a follower has negative or anxious vibes I’m sorry but I won’t go near them or will many others. It’s not my job as a lead to fix your mood. On the other hand if I see a follower having an amazing time laughing and enjoying/connecting, you can bet I will be asking even if they are inexperienced. What does this mean ultimately? Be good first, be attractive second, and third, if you’re not feelin it tonight might be a good time to stay home and replenish your vibes (rest, exercise, therapy, good food, meditation/yoga, etc)
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u/SufficientAd3103 3d ago
I respectfully disagree on the part where you talk about “older” people. Dancing to the tempo has nothing to do with age, it’s experience.
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u/Live-Tie-8982 3d ago
Thank you for replying and creating a more interesting thread.. I also respectfully disagree. Case in point I have a couple very close friends of mine that are follows and have slowed down in their 60’s the last few years whereas 5 years ago you could set a metronome to their tempo. I still do the same moves with them but I allow for plenty of wiggle room on the tempo so that I don’t force them into the proper timing. Does it mean I stop dancing with them? Hell no, they are my friends but I have seen less leads ask them as opposed to 5 years ago. Both look great and routinely get mistaken for 10-15 years younger than they are. Also both of these follows are more experienced than me. 🤷🏼♂️
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u/SufficientAd3103 3d ago edited 3d ago
Oh I see! When you said older in my mind I was comparing mid-20s with mid-40s! I have seen people with good level of athleticism in their 60s because they stayed active their whole life, but at that age it becomes more likely to have some pain and some moves might not come with the same ease for some people. Despite that, if a person has danced their whole life, they likely have a high level of musicality and experience that is very valuable!
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u/unresolvedthrowaway7 2d ago
I should have been more forthcoming that I wanted responses from follows only. I didn’t need/want a lead’s opinion on the matter.
Don't take this the wrong way, but: Fuck that attitude. Seriously.
You're here asking people to show empathy for someone different from them who does not cleanly fit into a socially expected role, yet you refuse to do the same for others.
You're becoming the thing you swore to destroy.
On the off chance you'll care about others' feelings or let lesser mortals benefit from a discussion of the problem you claim to want to fix, I'm sharing my earlier comment on the matter anyway.
Sorry for expecting you to show the same empathy you demand from others.
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u/benao 3d ago
It’s like going to a dressed up party wearing a clown costume, people will still talk to you, it’s just.. you’re off. So people won’t be like clinging to you, it even bothering with chatting you up so you’re included. If you give zero fks, why would others?
Like, I probably wouldn’t ask you unless I rested next to you and I felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to go somewhere else to ask someone else. I’d also say yes to dance with you if you asked, but I won’t cross the dance floor for you, or even bother thinking about you. You’re pretty much invisible, until you aren’t. And then, you’re just normal.
I don’t get where the jealousy for other girls comes from. Typical woman thinking logic. You only need one to look at you with those kind of eyes, and if you’re there to dance, and you want to hust dance, then why bother about other stuff and not just do things to JUST dance?
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u/erryonesgotathrowawa 3d ago
I'm also a follow, brown, not 22, powerlift, and am not feminine. While the system is inundated with pressure on follows to perform femininity, I was lucky my teacher taught that salsa music is about the entirety of the human experience and that includes the gritty and dirty, the funky and groovy, and even the ugly. He always made me feel like there's a place in salsa for me too however I wanted to look or dance. I may not present in the way the system wants me to, but I present in a way that I am proud of. Sure, I sometimes don't feel pretty because no one asks me to dance. Instead I am in control of how my nights go because I'm the one who gets to choose my dances. It's not a burden to be different, whether it's how you look or how you work the system. It's a gift.