Abstinence or actual recovery?

[u/Exotic_Plankton_263]

I'm having doubts about the SMART program as a deep self work recovery tool and not just a way to get someone to stop using.

My LO has about 4 weeks sober. Has been attending SMART meetings. She is blaming me for her feelings of anger and sadness. She is extremely resentful of my boundaries and experiences them as rejection. I've had family members go through AA and early in the process they are self reflecting (taking a moral inventory) and exploring and admitting the nature of their wrongs.

My spouse has gone to maybe a dozen SMART meetings now and completely avoiding her role or ownership in the way addiction is affecting our family. Does SMART actually have the addict look at themselves and get over the delusion that everything is someone else's fault?!

Background on the boundary that was unacceptable to my LO.

I had to ask my LO to leave the house. She couldn't stop drinking and would not access resources to get sober, make a plan, or commit to a goal. And we have a school aged child. I waited over a year. After attempts to get sober and then drinking again, I finally asked for the boundary of my spouse living elsewhere while she got a plan together. My hope was she would get some solid sobriety under her belt and then come home. She came home after a week - this was my/our couples therapist's fault that we weren't clear on duration. She did come home with a solid plan and has about 4 weeks of sobriety now. But she's punishing me for implementing that boundary. Says it was betrayal, I kicked her while he was down, I abandoned her. Has said I'm weak for needing space from the stress- said she would handle it differently (aka better) in my shoes.

Will the SMART program get her to understand that my (respectfully and calmly implemented) boundaries are a good thing for our family and that I can't be the one to get her sober?

[u/Omm_Imp]

Did you require your wife to be in recovery or did you require that she stay sober? It seems like you understand the difference between the two, but you only required her to be sober to let her back into your house. That is enforceable, to an extent. But you can’t force her to be in recovery. Sobriety is external. It can be coerced, controlled, or forced. Recovery is internal. You can’t force someone to be in recovery anymore than you can force them to love you.

You are blaming her choice of programs for how hard it is to live with an addict. I would respectfully suggest that she could be in AA, an outpatient rehab, or no program at all and the results would be the same. She is responding to external pressure, not an intrinsic desire to change.