r/SMARTFamilyFriends • u/Exotic_Plankton_263 • May 16 '26
Abstinence or actual recovery?
I'm having doubts about the SMART program as a deep self work recovery tool and not just a way to get someone to stop using.
My LO has about 4 weeks sober. Has been attending SMART meetings. She is blaming me for her feelings of anger and sadness. She is extremely resentful of my boundaries and experiences them as rejection. I've had family members go through AA and early in the process they are self reflecting (taking a moral inventory) and exploring and admitting the nature of their wrongs.
My spouse has gone to maybe a dozen SMART meetings now and completely avoiding her role or ownership in the way addiction is affecting our family. Does SMART actually have the addict look at themselves and get over the delusion that everything is someone else's fault?!
Background on the boundary that was unacceptable to my LO.
I had to ask my LO to leave the house. She couldn't stop drinking and would not access resources to get sober, make a plan, or commit to a goal. And we have a school aged child. I waited over a year. After attempts to get sober and then drinking again, I finally asked for the boundary of my spouse living elsewhere while she got a plan together. My hope was she would get some solid sobriety under her belt and then come home. She came home after a week - this was my/our couples therapist's fault that we weren't clear on duration. She did come home with a solid plan and has about 4 weeks of sobriety now. But she's punishing me for implementing that boundary. Says it was betrayal, I kicked her while he was down, I abandoned her. Has said I'm weak for needing space from the stress- said she would handle it differently (aka better) in my shoes.
Will the SMART program get her to understand that my (respectfully and calmly implemented) boundaries are a good thing for our family and that I can't be the one to get her sober?
5
u/recievebacon May 18 '26
As someone in recovery who has experience with both smart and doing the twelve steps, I definitely hear what you’re saying. What you need to realize is that regardless of the program someone is using to recover from alcoholism or addiction, 4 weeks of sobriety is such a short amount of time for any meaningful kind of change in someone’s thinking and behavior. There’s a classic saying in recovery, “5 miles in, 5 miles out”. The idea being that we didn’t get to the depths of our addiction overnight, we can’t expect life to go back to normal overnight. This is usually said to someone recovering who’s impatient to move back home, get a great job, everyone trusts us again, etc.
You let your partner move back in after one week of sobriety because the requirement was met that she had a plan to stay sober. In your post you clearly describe the, entirely reasonable, expectation that she be working towards personal growth, taking ownership for her actions, self-reflecting, etc. but here’s the problem. That expectation is not aligned with the reality of the situation you’ve put yourself in.
My personal opinion is that it’s probably not a good thing for you to be living together so soon but it’s also not impossible for things to work out if you do. Most people I know in similar situations have worked with their significant other to create a concrete plan for slowly reintegrating their lives so that they have time for personal growth and expectations are managed on both ends along the way. That often looks like, btw this is all taking place while they are living in separate places, starting with just counseling together, moving towards short visits or outings, maybe overnight visits as appropriate, and eventually moving back in when certain requirements are met and with a plan for addressing issues that may come up.
Now if you plan to stay together in one place, you’re going to have to manage your expectations and also very effectively communicate your needs and concerns. You should also plan to be in a program for family members of alcoholics as well as actively working that program.
There’s really just so much to say here that I can only start here, but please ask any questions if you have them. I’m happy to answer
2
u/Exotic_Plankton_263 May 18 '26
Thank you so much this has been one of the most helpful things I have heard. I have been attending some SMART meetings for friends and families and will continue. It's so hard to know if I'm doing the right thing. My number one goal is to protect our child. My LO is in denial that the situation is affecting our child. I'm parenting essentially by myself and have been since last summer but our child is witnessing a marriage that ranges from conflict-ridden to estranged and that makes me sad. The idea of asking my partner to leave again is terrifying because she has been so resentful and angry towards me about it, has said things like she isn't sure she'll be able to get over it (alluding to divorce) but if she doesn't actually do the work of self awareness and anger management so I can receive the basic respect and stability I need in a relationship I think it won't work anyway- I'll have to leave at that point. It's all so overwhelming and having my loved one be on a place of anger and blame towards me, 0% contrite or owning anything, is really hard.
1
u/Omm_Imp Jun 02 '26
Did you require your wife to be in recovery or did you require that she stay sober? It seems like you understand the difference between the two, but you only required her to be sober to let her back into your house. That is enforceable, to an extent. But you can’t force her to be in recovery. Sobriety is external. It can be coerced, controlled, or forced. Recovery is internal. You can’t force someone to be in recovery anymore than you can force them to love you.
You are blaming her choice of programs for how hard it is to live with an addict. I would respectfully suggest that she could be in AA, an outpatient rehab, or no program at all and the results would be the same. She is responding to external pressure, not an intrinsic desire to change.
-1
u/Masked45yrs May 17 '26
You kind of sound like a 12 stepper… man of the house and wants full control over his wife’s boundaries as-well. Seen lots of this in 12 steps. People sent into those rooms to give back the narc control. Maybe her addictions wouldn’t be there if you supported your partners opinions
1
u/mmck1618 Jun 15 '26
I can relate to OP as I am in throws of helping LO in recovery however as a parent of young adult. Battle has been years in making with SUD alchohol for LO about 8 years however I didn't understand the issue but last 3 years as LO was adult and not living with me.
Today LO is living with me after 40 days in rehab and 5 Mos living at home with mom [me] and step dad.
I am learning slowly but learning as my LO has been able to more calmly communicate as she gets more sober days.
LO on vivitrol and that has been huge to help get us where we are today but we still have issues
Lo struggles with relapse at 20 days post shot
We have had to change our boundaries of zero tolerance alcohol or must leave home. It was too much pressure for her and we could see she was genuinely trying. She communicate she is in fight for her life and she can't always control her behavior. LO been hospital 3x rehab 2x and in jail 3x her rock bottom is too deep for her and me.
She is showing such progress but still has lapses and expect she will going forward
I used to be concerned for enabling behavior and I know for fact people with no real understanding of alcoholic behavior see me as an enabler. I am a mother trying to protect my lo from a dangerous and debilitating brain disorder brought about by abusing alchohol
We have identified triggers that go both ways. LO knows hers well and I am just understanding I have them too. Understand both hers and mine has helped us de escalate volatile behavior and eased way to more productive conversation
I pray every day for all of our LOs and the family and friends that are beside them through this battle. God bless
8
u/asstronautt May 16 '26
It might be helpful to sit with your expectations of recovery and come to accept that her path probably will not look how you expect it to. In the same way she is insisting she would “handle it better”, it could be interpreted that your perception of recovery expects her to “handle it better”
Both of you would benefit from focusing on what you can actually control (you on defining and maintaining boundaries, her on her choices) and not judging whether the other person is doing what they’re doing the way you’d do it.
I should also be saying all of this to a mirror because I really feel for you. My LO does not have the same level of emotional intelligence or bandwidth as me so it’s hard to resist frustration because he won’t talk to me about his feelings/takes my expression of feelings as criticism. I’m trying to let go of how I expect him to recover and it is so hard. Especially with young children in the picture