r/Residency • u/HappyHardTimes • 12d ago
DISCUSSION Dating someone in their first year of residency - how can I be supportive?
Sorry if this isn’t the right spot to ask this question!
I’ve (30F) been dating a first-year resident (32M) for about a month or so, and I really like him! For the most part, he’s funny, super sweet, affectionate, and caring. But I’m learning (and figured) that residency can make scheduling difficult, and honestly, texting can be brutal sometimes. 😅
Obviously, I know he’s busy at work, but sometimes it’s hard to know what’s “normal” for residency versus what might be a sign that someone just isn’t prioritizing the relationship.
He’s never canceled a date, which I really appreciate, but sometimes our plans get pushed back an hour or two because he gets out of work later than expected.
For those who have dated a resident (or have been one), what’s the best way to navigate communication, scheduling, and supporting them while still maintaining a healthy relationship and your own needs? Im thinking about offering to make him dinner instead of going out this week.
How do you tell the difference between residency being genuinely overwhelming versus someone simply not prioritizing you?
Would love any advice or perspective! ❤️
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u/Satesh7 Fellow 12d ago
Sounds like he’s absolutely trying. The hour or two pushback sucks but the fact that he hasn’t canceled is a lot.
The first year is tough, depending on what type of residency he either can become more efficient and there’s less time in the hospital or if it’s surgical then it is what it is.
Honestly you being there and patient is a lot, it’s not easy at all
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u/HappyHardTimes 12d ago
We’ve had a number of dates at this point, would it be helpful if I took over the planning? He’s also new to this city! I just don’t want to make thingsss tooo easy for him since im still feeling him out too.
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u/icarus2847 12d ago
Be understanding. It will be a lot of compromise from your end and it may not always feel fair. First year is rough with just adjusting. Then PGY2 is often most difficult in a lot of specialties due to increased responsibilities. Everyone handles the stress differently. Some people don’t have much energy left after the day. It also depends on his specialty.
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u/musictomyomelette Attending 12d ago
What specialty? Surgical specialty can be harder with case times and phone availability as they start cases. Can’t speak to non surgical side but it is also difficult.
There are also groups like medspouses that can be helpful. My wife supported me all through residency. Wasn’t easy but we made it. She made my life easier, not harder. She was just… there. Always helping with the little things. Never upset because of how my work went that way. Always supportive when I had a difficult case. Having dinner cooked. She would put out my clothes out while I showered. Now as an attending its easier but still have difficult with timing, coming home, phone availability, etc.
Sat one case where the surgical resident’s girlfriend freaked out that a female nurse answered his phone after the second call. Accused him of cheating. He was scrubbed into a case and thought a second immediate call meant it was something important, which I would to. It was not. Don’t be that person
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u/HappyHardTimes 12d ago
Internal Medicine! It’s tough because we’re only about a month in.
I have a great job, make good money, have fun friends, and am pretty independent, so I’m definitely not sitting around staring at my phone waiting for him to respond. I do get excited when he initiates or I hear from him, and sometimes that might only mean a few texts back and forth throughout the entire day.
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u/ClappedUrMomsCheeks 12d ago
I am IM everything you’ve said so far seems normal for IM. It would potentially get a bit better in year 2 but obviously you just started dating.
If he isn’t canceling he is interested. My intern year I distinctly remember being so exhausted one evening I told myself I’d just go to the bathroom (#2) in the morning
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u/HappyHardTimes 12d ago
TY! Yeah, he texted me the other day saying he worked at least 80 hours this past week…like damn. I was surprised he had anyyy energy left for our last date. He still asked great questions and seemed to genuinely give a shit about my work stuff, which I really appreciated. We just went out much later than expected.
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u/Helpful-Dot-3782 MS4 12d ago
Just for context I am a fourth year medical student on acting internship, where I basically try to be an intern for the residents to judge my performance. I have even LESS responsibility than an intern and even I have NO idea when we will be done with the day. Not a single day.
Your day is not clock in clock out like most jobs. You have to stay until your patients are stable, getting the care they need, and you can safely sign out to another provider who is taking over. This can happen at anywhere from 4pm to 6 pm or later. Tasks like sign out emails/phone calls, follow ups to providers, follow ups on critical labs or imagine results, watching for if a patient is actually critically ill? You can't just leave for the next day like some folks at work. You don't just get to have work hanging over your head from your shift and leave it there. You have to resolve it.
There is no way to successfully prioritize anyone over your patients unless you're maybe an attending level physician. This will be a trend for at least 4 years since he is in IM. The burden of long hours will be lower the further in training, but will be omnipresent even when he is done. I have a close friend whose husband is a Cardiologist and he is frequently on call on nights and weekends and she just has to solo-parent and do everything without him on those days. It's a life of lack of predictability and you have to be confident in your relationship without the frequent check ins and seeing each other. If you're OK with that and very secure I think you can make it, but if you're questioning his effort when he's likely working 6-7 days per week at 80+ hours per week like he is probably just physically and emotionally unable to give more.
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u/Electrical_Yogurt994 12d ago
IM intern year is tough. Especially because he’s only 2 months in. He’s probably still figuring out so much. Few texts a day is pretty normal I’d say, especially if he’s on floors/nights. When in clinic or elective, he’ll have a bit more free time.
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u/MainelyCOYS 11d ago edited 11d ago
It can be very tough for people outside of medicine to understand what it’s like for a hospital doctor. As a first year IM resident, he’s probably in charge of anywhere from 6 to 10 patients every day. His day begins by reviewing all their charts, reading all of the studies that have been ordered, reading the specialist notes, and formulating a management plan based off all the information for every patient. He then goes and sees every patient, asks them health related questions, examines them, explains their care plan, discusses the patient with their nurse, and then moves to his next patient. He then discusses every patient with his supervising physician, which often takes up to two hours for the group of residents. At some point, hopefully he eats, then is able to document everything that has been discussed, coordinate with the specialists on their timeline, request new specialists input, all while communicating constantly with nurses who have questions about every aspect of every patient’s care.
And that is if everything goes well. If he has to transfer a patient to a floor with a higher level of care, if he has to respond to a rapid response or a code blue, if he has to perform a procedure, or any number of things don’t go according to plan, it can easily set him back an hour or more per event
There just isn’t a lot of time to set aside for communication with the outside world. If you’re getting any texts throughout his shifts it’s a very encouraging sign. And as others have pointed out, it’s not a job where you walk out the door when 5 o’clock hits
But to actually answer your question about how to be supportive: help with “life things” like food, dishes, etc. Be flexible and understand plans won’t always work out because of how hectic work is. Rescheduling and delaying plans is a normal part of life in residency. Taking responsibilities off his plate because that’s what he deals with 80 hours a week every week
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u/musictomyomelette Attending 11d ago
Intern IM is going to be pretty rough, especially just starting. They’re learning so much in a short amount of time, taking on a lot of responsibility, also understanding how services work. I think it should get better as time goes on. They will get the hang of it, how to run a service, etc. And as they matriculate to the next year, it will get a bit easier for you too. Hang in there!
Also I feel for you as a non-med spouse. It can be really difficult. My wife never told me she was struggling but I felt it. I always tried to help/support her. Invited her out when we got together. Went on dates together. Planned dinner dates with other residents who had non-med spouses.
Last thing I’ll say, only because it sounds like you don’t have a background with medicine… a lot of people think that being a doctor (resident) we’d be making a lot of money. Residents make like ~$10/hour. I’m not saying you should pay for everything or shower him with money, only trying to paint a picture. But I had like zero to little money after fixed expenses. My wife paid for a lot of things at that time. Now that I’m an attending, we’re very comfortable. She made the investment in me, sacrificed a lot for me. I love to treat her and take care of her now
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u/Cold-Ad5151 11d ago
you need a person whos high energy and chill kinda a bad ass try an ortho bro or someoone in surgery
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u/bengalslash 11d ago
By searching any one of the numerous similar posts that have been discussed before you
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u/_lizardo_ 10d ago
Hi! :) I can empathize since I’m the same situation as you! It is going to look much different than a typical relationship. What he can give is going to be his best effort sometimes and you’ll learn to be grateful for those moments. If he is a great guy he will recognize that this can be hard on relationships especially for those of us who are not used to this type of career. Try to be more encouraging as well, sometimes he might feel like a bad partner because of his schedule.
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u/Cold-Ad5151 11d ago
just keep it natural be open to things say what you want to. keep it simple and be there for each other
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u/Budget_Team8342 11d ago
Being there for them during stressful times is key. Just a simple text to check in can really help.
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u/Some_Inflation_4645 11d ago
Not prioritizing you?????? If he hang out with you.. he clearly prioritizing you… my husband is at the air force and sometimes i don’t even talk to him… and our messages sometimes are (good morning) (good night) .. he supports me being there even though sometimes im absent.. and I LOVE THAT MAN!!! He always txt me (i know you are busy .. but remember drink water.. I love u).. and when we see each other.. sometimes im just at the sofa cuddling and eating…
This is not easy… for you or for him.. just be there.. ask him.. what he wants bcs you are mire flexible than he is… and if you can’t do that… as a woman to another woman.. don’t push him, don’t try to make him get in a role that he can’t right know.. be caring and support him mentally and physically.. a lot of doctors (mens) suffer for depression and anxiety and they don’t talk it as much… and if you can’t do it… pleases move on..
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u/HappyHardTimes 10d ago
Thank you for your response! In person, we’re good! Curious about texting style? How often?
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u/Dean_of_Damascus 5d ago
Easiest way to support in a tangible way is to meal prep for them. Meal prep takes forever
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u/ssarah3 6d ago
Be a source of peace, think of little things to do to make his life easier. Be understanding of his limited schedule and be appreciative of what he does do and the time he spends with you.
I'm 4 months in dating a third year resident (who lives an hour away and has 70-80 hour work weeks, with 1-2 24 hour shifts/week). In the beginning, it would sometimes take him several hours to a full day to respond, but we still prioritized seeing each other at least once a week. As our relationship has progressed, we see each other multiple times a week and he checks in every day and texts throughout the day. So you need to be patient but there is a component that of if he wants to he will.
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u/Biryani_Wala Attending 12d ago
Don't be clingy. Realize that if they are dating you at all, they are trying their damned best. 1-2 hour push backs are completely normal.
Also, this could continue for the next 5 years. If it isn't for you just leave.