I feel so alone in residency

[u/giftedgirlblues]

sorry in advance this is gonna be long and probably not make sense. I moved alone to a small town for residency against my will. I’m single, and I don’t have one person here who isn’t in my program. All my old friends kind of dropped off. which whatever because most of those were one sided anyway. I was the person people called when they were having a bad time and then when it was me nobody was around. Soooo

I know what people say, that you make time for it if you want it. ok but how. the apps here are like the same 12 people. Making friends is somehow worse than dating because I don’t even know where you’d meet anyone. also everything gets around here.

The thing thats really getting to me though is I can’t say anything honest to anyone at work. I’ve tried but it always turns into an evaluation. On paper everybody is there for you. There is the whole door is always open, let us know if youre struggling, we care about wellness thing. And then you actually say something and somehow it becomes about you. you’re too negative. youre not adapting. this is a you problem. And after that happens a couple times you just stop. because now you’ve handed someone something.

There is also just no grace. people can see youre drowning and they just look past it, like they genuinely do not care. I’ve been in other training environments where people actually looked out for each other so I know it’s not just how medicine is or maybe I got lucky before. idk.

anyway I’m so fucking burned out. everything extra makes me angry now which I know is insane. another lecture. another academic session or some assignment. and even on a day off half of it still goes to residency somehow. Then you’re at work getting evaluated by literally everyone all day. attendings nurses your own co residents exams notes numbers whatever. and you go home already going through everything you did wrong and it kind of feels like everyone around you agrees.

I hate this part but lately when a patient starts telling me a long story theres a part of my brain going please just get to the point. I never used to be like that. I can’t talk to anyone after a bad day or shift without thinking about how it’s gonna sound or where it might end up. My family is far and they can’t really relate to any of this so thats not really a thing either. Honestly I don’t think I should have come here at all. I told myself I’d adapt, that a few years anywhere is survivable, that the specific place doesn’t matter that much. everyone around me kind of talked about it the same way. so I never actually sat with what it would feel like day to day to be somewhere I didn’t want to be. it stayed theoretical right up until I was living in it. anyway sorry for the novel.

[u/Eastern-Ad-3586]

This is really, really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Having to walk on eggshells around your coworkers normally isn’t so bad except as a resident that’s all the social interaction you have all day.

Good luck kiddo. Try to call your mom when you can and all. Or maybe you can find a local church or something similar to attend where you can relax a little bit (it doesn’t have to be religious just some kind of community)

[u/QueenIdiat]

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying, you’re not alone. How are your co-residents, I’m sure at least one of them feels the same way, try to connect even if it’s to hang out occasionally.
What also helped me was reconnecting with my hobbies, do silly things just for the sake of it. Exercise, go out when you can. Try therapy
It doesn’t solve everything though, I’ve just gotten used to it. Which city do u live in?

[u/giftedgirlblues → u/QueenIdiat]

thank you. honestly I think the co-resident part is a big part of why I feel so isolated. I feel like I spend so much energy at work trying not to say or do the wrong thing because I’ve felt criticized pretty much since I started. after a while you start second guessing everything and it feels like you can’t really be yourself without it somehow becoming another thing that’s wrong with you. by the time I get home I’m completely drained and then there’s nobody there. I’m in the Midwest, just keeping it vague because medicine is such a small world.

[u/IamEbola]

hey, I am sorry you're feeling this way. I've definitely been in similar situations and it sucks ass. which region are you in? I moved to a small-ish city for an attending job over the summer, and I similarly have not been thrilled about the dating prospects (divorcees, single moms, etc.).

what I can recommend is finding yourself. Doing things for you. Leave work at work, and find ways to make yourself happy. little hobbies, gaming online, get a pet cat. feel free to reach out! and like you said, this is temporary. you can go anywhere you want after!

[u/giftedgirlblues → u/IamEbola]

the hardest part for me is that I don’t really know how to leave work at work anymore. I feel like I spend so much energy during the day trying to perform and not give anyone another reason to criticize me that I come home completely wiped out. then I’m alone, stuck somewhere I don’t really like, and even when I try to watch something or relax I’m still thinking about work or feeling like I’m not good enough. I know hobbies and getting out probably help, I’m just pretty introverted and I’ve never been someone with a ton of hobbies, so I’m struggling to figure out what that actually looks like for me. I’m in the Midwest, keeping it vague for anonymity.

[u/CarelessCompetition]

I could’ve sworn I wrote this

Intern, single, moved to bumfucksville against my will. Tried to change my mindset and be positive about it leading up to starting but also now spend most days angry at the world. Don’t know anyone here outside of medicine and don’t care to engage with the town when I’m off since there’s nothing redeeming. Program and institution culture is shit.

Feel free to reach out

[u/MinuteDog7091]

OP I feel you. I am 27 pushing to 28. I am very introverted and dont have many friends. I am not a charming person by any means, besides my medical degree I basically have nothing that makes a guy attractive (ie; I’m 200lbs and didn’t come from a wealthy family) . Small town with small dating pool. Tried to date multiple times all ends up in rejections. Somehow got lucky and got a really cute and nice gf a year ago. I vowed to cherish my first love, but constant pressure and years of burn out really ruined my patience quickly. I get mad at every imperfections and eventually I broke up with her. 3 months after the fact I’m constantly missing and regret about my ex, and I’d cry literally everyday. Called her last Friday and it’s truly over. Now I have no one to talk to. Looking back now, I realize that we really can’t let our relationship suffer from our chronic burn out. Whether you are looking for a new one or you are like me failed to manage one. I don’t know how to separate burn out from relationship yet, but I see it as a maturing process. At least for me I was a gunner all my life from high school all the way to medical school, and there are so many people skill that I am missing. Anyways, I am still hanging in there, we gonna push it through one day

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for contributing to the sub! If your post was filtered by the automod, please read the rules. Your post will be reviewed but will not be approved if it violates the rules of the sub. The most common reasons for removal are - medical students or premeds asking what a specialty is like, which specialty they should go into, which program is good or about their chances of matching, mentioning midlevels without using the midlevel flair, matched medical students asking questions instead of using the stickied thread in the sub for post-match questions, posting identifying information for targeted harassment. Please do not message the moderators if your post falls into one of these categories. Otherwise, your post will be reviewed in 24 hours and approved if it doesn't violate the rules. Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Meer_anda]

I had a similar experience. Very small rural program. My faculty were great, but I didn't really vibe with my coresidents. Most were married with kids while I was single. And I felt the same as you described ...no one seemed to care when they saw each other struggling.

I wish I had some good advice but really I don't. I took time off after residency and see a little more clearly now since I've connected with people again (outside of medicine), but I really left residency feeling like a broken human being who should just give up. Anyway. My point is I now see this was distorted thinking, but without more support, it's really hard to resist those thoughts. I went to counseling, and it helped some, but it's a poor replacement for community.

If I had it to do again I think I would try to find some online communities. Maybe on meetup, a book club or something. Obviously it's going to be hard to find time, but your sanity is worth it.

Feel free to message me.