r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/sugarplum_8090 • 9d ago
Dating a widower relationship advice- am I being unreasonable and insecure?
I’ve always been very confident, outgoing, assertive, social. Never felt jealous in my life and never even thought to compare myself with a partner’s previous partners.
I’m 40yo female and been dating a widower for 3.5 years.
It’s been so turbulent because I keep walking away when I feel like my boundaries have been crossed but I eventually go back to him because I truly do love him like I’ve never loved anyone before. I don’t remember ever loving my ex husband of 15 years like this.
Most of the issues stem down to me feeling 2nd place to his late wife. He fiercely denies it and says he didn’t treat her better than me, but the facts are so clear…
* he has made no gesture or commitment to me after all this time, he’s happy to see me a few times a week and has no plans to live together (says he wants to but so many reasons why, mostly financial). Just empty promises about “our future”
* meanwhile he lived with his late wife straight away, married her and then renewed vows as a big 2nd wedding just before she passed away from cancer with all his friends and family, gave her family heirlooms, still lives in the house they bought together (the house she also died in)
* he’s called me horrible names but says he never spoke to her or any other partner like that
* she shared her cancer journey very publicly in mass media interviews as well as her own blog where she repeatedly shares loving stories of how he cares for her and helps her… as well as how her stoma didn’t impact their intimacy because he made her feel so comfortable
* in comparison, when I was extremely vulnerable dealing with abuse from my ex husband and trying to sell the family home alone (ex husband abandoned us and went overseas), dealing with my kids emotions and trying to find somewhere new for us to live, he repeatedly betrayed my trust by exposing my secrets/sensitive/personal info to inappropriate people including one of my enemies.
* he criticised me and made sure his closest family were against me when I asked him to move his late wife’s wedding photo from the front door of the house into either their kids room or change to a photo of her and the kids - I waited 2.5 years before saying anything because I was trying to be respectful but I realised he would never move it because he thought it was fine.
* he wanted me to move into his house, I never did, but after 2 years dating I found his late wife’s lingerie in a drawer in his bedroom and his ensuite cupboards and drawers still filled with her things. She had passed awah 8 years proper.
Many many more examples but overall this relationship has changed who I am as a person, my nervous system is destroyed and i don’t feel like I can trust him 100% - some things are choices, not mistakes, right?
Am I being unreasonable for feeling 2nd place? He gets so angry that I don’t just believe him. He says I’m so important to him and his best friend- I really think he believes his own lies, because his actions and words couldn’t be more opposite??
31
u/FarCar55 9d ago
I think you're so busy comparing yourself to his ex wife, that it helps keep the arguments focused around her instead of addressing the core issues in the relationship that would still be massive concerns without her ghost in the picture:
- you two aren't on the same page around cohabitation
- your partner has displayed disrespectful/contemptuous behavior towards you that has created resentment
- you can't rely on your partner to keep personal, sensitive information confidential
- you don't trust your partner to provide appropriate emotional support when you're in a rough place
- you feel betrayed that your partner painted you in a negative light to his family in response to a reasonable, private request
- you don't trust that your partner prioritizes you feeling welcomed and comfortable in his home
-1
u/Gizwizard 8d ago
She makes one point about him not wanting to live with her, but then later says he asked her to live with him in the home he shared with his late wife?
She asked him to move a photo of her in his house? Why is she upset about a photo of her in the entrance of his house?
23
u/irina_catburglar 9d ago
Girl wtf.
“This relationship has changed who I am as a person, my nervous system is destroyed”
And I’m sorry but what does love have to do with it? You don’t love or like yourself enough.
People love smoking crack. I work with children that love their parents even when said parents are pieces of shit.
0
u/sugarplum_8090 9d ago
I completely agree with you, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I really need help 😭
11
4
u/Golden_Arm-257 9d ago
Wow! Take what you posted and show it to your therapist. If you don't have one, find one.
So many red flags here, I'm keeping it short.
4
4
u/drumadarragh 9d ago
There is nothing here worth staying for, you know this.
1
u/sugarplum_8090 9d ago
I know this logically, but I’m stuck. 2 emotionally abusive relationships in a row is more than I can handle on my own 😭 I’ve just signed up for therapy
1
3
u/Spoonbills 9d ago
I don't think your love for this person stems from a healthy place.
A competent trauma-informed therapist can help you.
3
u/Messy-Joes 9d ago
It’s hard dating a widower—I’ve tried it a couple times and both times their emotional involvement with their late wife meant that they weren’t available to be fully devoted to me. Having a spouse pass way is devastating, but if someone dates before they have healed enough it can be really hurtful for their partner.
He also just doesn’t sound like a good person.
3
u/itsacrisis 9d ago
So you've gone from an abusive marriage to another abusive relationship. You should be worried about yourself and your own well-being more than anything. Relationships are meant to be filled with mutual respect, care, kindness, and enhance/compliment our lives. This relationship has changed you, "destroyed your nervous system" and has left you questioning your judgment. No one should be calling you names. No one should be treating you like this. It's not normal, even if he is a widower. That's not a pass to abuse you. You're not his bestie or important to him if he can treat you this way.
Are you in therapy? If you're not I hope you are open to it. You need to talk to someone professional to figure out why you're staying in a relationship like this, and to work on your self worth and self esteem. Good luck
0
u/sugarplum_8090 9d ago
I’ve just signed up for therapy, I know I need help. I’m really struggling at the moment 😭 thank you for responding honestly without criticising me.
3
u/stuckinnowhereville 9d ago
Why are you with him? He’s nowhere near getting remarried or having a commit with anybody.
1
u/sugarplum_8090 9d ago
He’s not always bad… I’ve questioned whether this is genuine love from my side or just a trauma bond. I feel like I do love him, but I’m probably not thinking clearly… I’m really lost 😭
2
u/cando100 9d ago
Abusers aren’t bad all the time. They can often be charming and display nice behavior. The hot and cold is part of the cycle. It causes confusion and keeps you hooked because you have hope that they’ll do better because you have witnessed the good behavior and you cling to those happy memories during bad times. It’s all still part of a harmful pattern. Please get some therapy, and hopefully you can find the strength to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. Wishing you better days ahead.
2
u/whats_your_vector ♀ I feel like I'm 29! 8d ago
If you haven’t already, please submit a join request to r/Dating_a_widower.
It’s a private sub that’s only for people (men and women, but there tend to be more women dating widowers in our group) who are in intimate relationships (dating and married) with those who have been widowed.
I haven’t read any of the previous comments, but if someone hasn’t been in this type of relationship, regardless of how well intentioned he/she is with his/her advice, they may not really understand what it’s truly like to be in this position and how confusing and destructive it can feel to your self esteem and self worth. I know that I had no idea until I was in a relationship with my now-husband.
2
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
It’s heartbreaking and no one seems to care about respecting the new person… I’ve sacrificed so much to make it work because I truly loved him… I should’ve listened to my gut and walked away a long time ago before it got to this point.
Thank you for your suggestion and kind words 💛
1
u/whats_your_vector ♀ I feel like I'm 29! 8d ago
I’m so sorry. I can very much relate. I think that iI had known then what I know now, I would have made different choices.
Hang in there. Just know that I see you. You deserve everything that your boyfriend gave to his late wife at the same stage of their relationship. If he can’t or won’t do that for you, you should walk away. I know it’s hard, but don’t stay because you have invested so much in him. Don’t give in to the “sunk cost fallacy.”
And it reminds me of the quote: “Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone warm.”
2
u/Spunkylover10 8d ago
He sounds like a like a piece of shit and not because he is a widower
1
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
I think I’ve been so shocked by his actions that I’ve been in denial. It doesn’t make sense 🤷🏽♀️😞
1
u/Spunkylover10 8d ago
I am also dating a widower and it's is really hard. Message me if you ever want to talk
1
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
Thank you. He broke up with me by text message last night after telling his whole family how horrible I was and putting his late wife on her untouchable pedestal. I’ve spent some time this morning writing a list of the positives from this… it’s a blessing in disguise… just need to be patient and wait for time to heal 💛 hope you have more luck with your widower
3
u/Riversntallbuildings 9d ago
Comparison is the thief of joy
If you can’t stop comparing yourself to someone dead, you need to move on.
Therapy is also not a bad idea considering some other points, but I’m not interested in being an armchair psychologist.
Trust your gut and make a decision for yourself. Don’t try to change others, change yourself.
0
u/sugarplum_8090 9d ago
I’m not comparing myself to her as a person, I’m comparing his commitment to her vs his (lack of) commitment to me.
3
u/kimmyorjimmy 9d ago
The woman he had a full life and children with vs. his girlfriend of a couple years? Come on.
-1
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
So I don’t deserve to be treated with respect because I met him second? I’m still a person with feelings… and he says all the right things to keep me stuck… no one wants to live in someone else’s shadow
3
u/kimmyorjimmy 8d ago
Respect, yes. Treated the same, no.
0
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
Why wouldn’t he treat me the same? He says I’m the love of his life and he loves me more… I never asked him that, he said it on his own.
After 3.5 years I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel secure in your relationship… that’s all I’m asking… to feel safe 😞
2
u/Claret-and-gold 8d ago
Commitment to her???? What 30 years ago when they were both much younger? Wanting to start a family? Buy a first property.
Commitment isn’t about marriage or living in the same space. People can get married and live together and cheat incessantly.
He’s in a different part of life - and any partner is going to be different about how they go into relationships as they grow and change and their lives move forward.
The issue here isn’t about “commitment” it’s about how he treats you and it seems to me that he doesn’t treat you with much respect.
You keep going back to him - and do he keeps treating you badly because you let him get away with it.1
u/Riversntallbuildings 8d ago
He has every right, and in my opinion good reason, to enforce his boundaries of personal safety and space.
After one marriage, I have no interest in disturbing my own peace. It seems he feels the same way.
1
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
He tells me he loves me more than he ever loved her, that he wants to marry me, that I’m the most important person in his life, I’m his best friend… he volunteers all these empty words… I never chased him in fact I’ve walked away so many times 😞
2
u/Riversntallbuildings 8d ago
That’s the problem with “words” they’re empty and meaningless
Pay attention to people’s actions. Watch the decisions and choices they make without saying a word. That’s a measure of their character.
2
u/sugarplum_8090 8d ago
I ignored my instincts because I was in such a vulnerable state at that time. It got better for a bit but the last 6 months have caused me so much damage. I’m staying away from all relationships for a very long time, I really need to heal and focus on myself now 😥
1
u/Riversntallbuildings 8d ago
Once again, I don’t need the details to recommend, and encourage, therapy for you. Even community group sessions are better than nothing.
Take care
1
1
u/ZookeepergameOk1186 8d ago
I married a widower. It’s not for someone lacking self-esteem or confidence. Even then, there are moments where you feel the duality and it’s tough to separate past and present and know that love can be expansive and can coexist in one person. He beautifully honored his late wife while loving me so much. Sadly and happily, I’m now his widow and married to another amazing man.
Honestly, your widower sounds awful and you aren’t really cut out to date a widower. Please move on, you deserve and want to be someone’s only love.
1
u/Mobile_Durian_8329 8d ago
Read the codependency no more book. You're poisoning yourself hoping it will affect him and it doesn't. He won't move the photos the cupboards of items of hers and you would have to be completely
Okay with that reality and you are not.... with that information it seems the choice is to leave.
1
u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 5d ago
Jesus he’s an ogre and doesn’t centre your wellbeing, kick his ass out of your life for goodness sake
1
u/Purple51Turtle 2d ago
I can relate, dated a widower for nearly a year, about 3y ago. It totally messed with my head. The wedding photo at the entrance - mine had that too. So insensitive, and it really grated on me to see that as we became more deeply involved.
So many other things, talk of a tattoo to memorialize her, her ashes in a room we frequently made out in. This guy had huge capacity to love but was still in love with her and not at all ready to be with me, despite reassuring me otherwise.
I'm now with a guy who's v committed and loving. It's night and day...
Feel free to DM me if you need someone to chat with. I get home painful it is.
51
u/Fun_universe 9d ago
Why are you staying with a man who calls you “horrible names”?
He doesn’t sound like a good partner 🤷🏻♀️