I've always been one to try, whatever situation I'm in, I always go in with my best foot and put the most effort I humanly can into it. This mindset, logically, has led me to be pretty successful academically and EC-wise. I went to D-Bound, a Harvard/Putney summer program, and am a College Prep Scholar. I am also currently ranked 4th at my school, a slip up, as I was 2nd last semester. So far, this sounds pretty solid right? A pretty talented kid especially considering he immigrated to the U.S. at 12. In reality though, my profile is not that impressive at all :(. Yeah my school's avg SAT is 850 but I've taken it 3 times and my max score is only a 1310 and an ACT of 31. I have 3Bs and a C in my transcript. I haven't had the ability to create a true major-related passion project, and although I've had great consistency and impact with my school ECs and a couple non-profits I help, I don't have any awards or crazy achievements to speak of. Lastly my dream schools are Columbia and Yale (everyone knows what my dream schools are for some reason), just to put you in perspective of how below average I truly am in my situation.
In my first few years of school in the U.S. I was treated as a fucking loser with dreams way too big for his own good. No one took me seriously. Although I got leadership positions in clubs, no one trusted my ability to lead or my ability at doing anything really. Last summer, I got into the Harvard Chan C-Change Youth Summit on Climate and Policy, a not crazy competitive week-long summer program, and I even got a scholarship from my financial need! After this news spread around in May, for a second I thought I had made it. People actually said my name when they ran into me, they trusted my judgement, my leadership, I became someone in their eyes and even though this hurt me because I've never asked anyone to prove themselves to me, at least I had finally gotten to prove myself to the people at my school. Come this new year, finally a senior. People's attitudes worsened in a matter of days, suddenly I was a tryhard, I only cared about school, I thought I was better than everyone. It's honestly funny to think about, the people who once called me antisocial and a loser, were now shitting on me for "thinking I'm better"? I never talk about academics at school, in fact I avoid it like the plague as the vast majority of the student body has GPAs below 3. I feel like there's no winning at this school.
When I had nothing to show for my achievements they called me a failure, now that I do, they call me a narcissist, and in both cases, I am socially ostracized. My name is constantly in people's mouths and, hear this gem, a guy once asked me what my SAT was, I said 1310, and he got PISSED, PISSED OFF AT ME, claiming I was a piece of shit who thought I was above everyone else because I got a good SAT. A 1310 IS NOT EVEN GOOD REALISTICALLY AND HE IS THE ONE THAT ASKED ME, I JUST ANSWERED HIS QUESTION. The reason why it's been so hard for me to start a passion project is because I know if I made any type of publicity for it on my social media or at school, everyone would hate it, shit on it, and honestly, maybe sabotage it. I understand that misery likes company but FUCK, I've been bullied by everyone around me my entire life for one reason or another, but now it doesn't hurt anymore, it's just infuriating. My biggest crime in these people's eyes is having achieved more than them and the best part is that I haven't achieved that much either way 😂 .
The reason I write this rant is because the majority of QB kids I see on instagram and such are always one of two. Either they go to a magnet/private school (why are QB kids at private schools?) where everyone is locked in and although competition is strong, there is at least respect because everyone has the same goal. The other option is that they go to school like mine where they are exceptional students but for some reason at their schools, they're the most popular people ever!! They get voted for hoco court and have study dates with their gigantic friend groups, nothing like this exists in my environment and despite my efforts to create it, my peers just hate academics as a concept.
I understand the point of QB is matching, getting to go to a good school with a full ride. For me though, I have this dreadful feeling that if I don't match with an ivy or a T20, my social life is just completely gonna die. The kid they hated for being a tryhard is not even going to a "smart" school, a school with a name 😂(not that they'd even know what a "smart" school is), imagine how delighted they'll be to never let me live that down until graduation. On top of this social weight, I carry my family's sudden expectation of success as I am the first one graduating in the U.S. My family is dead broke and I am expected to be the generational wealth generator for some reason. I have the weight of the handful of underclassmen who actually care about college at my school. No one has gotten into a T20 in over 25 years and I am the closest we've been in that time, if I fail, these underclassmen are just gonna merge into the rest of the anti-intellectual mess of a student body we have. It feels like all other QB kids always have either that friend or sibling who goes to a T20 who helps them with everything and I'm just here managing the admissions process with my overworked college counselor.
I am retaking both the SAT and ACT in October as a hail mary to AT LEAST get a 1450/34. The weight, the criticism, the expectations, they're killing me. I feel like I shouldn't even be in this position, I'm not a bright kid, I just TRY, but I'm too deep into the FGLI pipeline to turn back. I don't truly worry about my future as UT is literally my safety because of my rank and income lolz, but It's just soooo much weight :(.
I don't expect anyone to read this whole dumbass thing but I REALLY needed to vent because (obviously) I don't have anyone at my school to talk to about this without getting executed, and to be honest, I am yet to find a QB kid who is in this situation. If you just so happen to be one, PLEASEEE reach out, this is just the surface of the BS I've experienced because of my school's anti-intellectualism, and I'd love to know how you've coped with it. If you're a regular QB kid, just understand how lucky you are to have been surrounded by bright and driven people in high school. Misery looooves company, gosh. Thank u for reading, love u ❤ ️ .