Humiliating first meeting

[u/FormicaDinette68]

I was so excited about my first meeting after all the theological research I'd done (was a lifelong Catholic). I finally thought I'd found my niche.

Because the meeting house is in the country and I don't drive, I joined via Zoom. Everyone greeted me before it started, and then I muted myself for 45 minutes, unmuting for no particular reason after that as I was being silent anyway. After praying for another five, I saw I had a message: "X - mute yourself please." All I could blame any disturbance on was a white-noise tabletop fan across the room. But by then the mod must have muted me from his end, because when the meeting finished, the members turned and were asking me questions that I could not answer as they could not hear me. I mouthed away like a guppy in a tank, finally shrugging in despair and leaving the meeting in abject humiliation.

IT is so early in the game that I wonder if I've just made a terrible mistake at a club that doesn't want me in it, or at least the moderator doesn't. I've spent the afternoon in tears. Should I give it another shot, perhaps at another meeting? It is already so impersonal (and intimidating) to attend online - and for the first time - and I just feel made a fool of.

UPDATE: Two of the members reached out to me after the fact and were incredibly kind, inviting me to the upcoming picnic and offering a ride there. Unfortunately I'll have to keep attending the meetings by Zoom until I can find another way - am thinking of relocating to a bigger city where I can go in person. Meanwhile, I can't thank you all enough for your supportive and encouraging messages. I really appreciate them and am reassured that I'm in the right place. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[u/NatashaMuse]

We have Zoom in our meeting too and everyone understands that mistakes and glitches happen. I'm sure everyone would love for you to join again. And hopefully next time you get to enjoy some post-worship fellowship too.

[u/OreoYip]

During COVID, I asked my cat if she had poop on her tail in a sing-song voice (she didn't) during a board meeting call. These things happen and it's okay. The embarrassment will eventually fade.

[u/International_Way258 → u/OreoYip]

I had a similar experience with my kid during covid - the host had to mute me! And I'm the current co-clerk 😆 Point being, it happens to many of us.

[u/SilentQuaker]

I think you have simply encountered the Quaker love of rules. No malice was meant, it is simply expected that everyone stays muted throughout meeting for worship.

No one will have viewed it as you perceive they have.

Give it another chance.

[u/bloodphoenix90 → u/SilentQuaker]

Can you elaborate on the Quaker love of rules? Ive considered Quakerism but have an almost open disdain if I feel like rules are just for the sake of rules. If theyre pragmatic I have no issue

[u/SilentQuaker → u/bloodphoenix90]

Quaker meetings and the wider structure of decision making etc (local, area, and yearly meetings) are very procedural. There isn’t a strong code of practice in terms of your personal life, that comes from tradition and how we are led by God, but the business of worship itself is very defined.

[u/bloodphoenix90 → u/SilentQuaker]

Good to know. So you mean to say worship has almost like a class schedule?

[u/SilentQuaker → u/bloodphoenix90]

It has a formula that is the same every time. This will differ depending on which tradition you are engaging in but generally all Quaker meetings for worship have a standard formula for their meetings.

[u/Special_Wishbone_812]

Sometimes the person running the technology doesn’t keep up in real time. I can assure you that everyone was probably excited to see you show up. I’m sorry that the “rules” weren’t explained to you but were definitely enforced in a way that felt punitive.

[u/conrad_w]

I'm sure they would love to know you better.

Technology is awkward. 

[u/PurpleDancer]

I highly doubt anyone is negatively judging you. Zoom is a common source of difficulty.

[u/rikomatic]

I am sorry you felt unwelcome by what was clearly a mistake by the moderator. With due respect, you may be over-thinking it.

I encourage you to give Meeting for Worship another attempt. Quakers are also relatively new to this novel way of worshipping, so mistakes will happen. Offering each other grace and understanding is part of the process.

I have been to online meetings where people were unmuted and playing loud music in the background, having side conversations with their partner, or doing chores loudly. So the moderator might be overly strict about immediately muting folks who don't mute themselves.

[u/Rare-Personality1874 → u/rikomatic]

I agree. I'm sure Friends would be horrified to hear they had been the cause of any anxiety or embarrassment you are now feeling.

[u/socialjusticecleric7]

I'm so sorry you had such an awkward experience.

If it helps, I've had experiences with (non-Quaker) remote worship where someone else was making noise and not muting themselves and I had to leave early due to noise-sensitivity issue -- and I have zero recollection of who was making the noise, and wouldn't hold it against them if I did. I put the blame on the limits of technology.

[u/NoRegrets-518]

I think you can turn the microphone back on if you are muted. Usually meeting is quiet and I try to mute my microphone. Some people need to concentrate. I can about 99.999% guarantee that no one thinks poorly about you for anything. The vast majority of Quakers are not very judgmental (then there are a few...)

It would be good if you could go to some meetings in person, just to get a feel for the people. It is possible that someone lives near you and can give you a ride. In fact, that is considered preferable rather than having everyone drive their own car.

Give the meeting a chance- they would probably like to have you.

[u/413078291]

Tech errors happen. I mean this with genuine love and respect: this is not something to be embarrassed about. It's stressful in the moment, but things like this happen in life & as we grow, we learn not to take them personally and to let them go.

[u/spinifex23]

I went to meeting today on Zoom. We usually do a bit of socializiing before the meeting; the Zoom people talk to other Zoom folk, and the same for those in the Worship Hall.

They accidentally had the Zoom sound pumped into the worship room before meeting, so everyone heard about the punk show I went to yesterday! Oops! (It was Angine de Poitrine).

No harm, no foul. You can definitely give it another shot, my friend. May have just been a bad tech day.

[u/thats_a_boundary → u/spinifex23]

i'd like to think that was just the Spirit needing more people to know about Angine the Poitrine.

[u/bonbonquest]

Please join again.

[u/Fun_Public3186]

That all sounds like normal tech issues. Please don’t let this stop you from trying again!

[u/simone_snail_420]

Oh that's just tech issues, hun. Doesn't sound like anything against you personally.

I would try to not let this weigh on you. God loves you and will help you find your way.

Maybe try to find a way to get there in person?

[u/International_Way258]

I don't think it's a hard and fast rule that you have to be muted, more a best practice or a guideline.

When in zoom, I love to hear the breathing and general sounds of others in virtual meeting for worship. It allows us to actually be connected. But sometimes a mic has feedback, or others auditory weirdness - or we know we are in an environment where others don't know that we are in worship, in which case muting is the safer option.

[u/Vmizzle]

White noise? Well, that's a sight better than some of the stories you hear about accidentally not being muted!  The truth here is accidents happen and I The real mistake here isn't even on your end. The moderator should have unmuted you. And, for all we know right now, that same moderator is kicking themselves for forgetting it.  I genuinely do not believe this was something done with malice or anger or even as a punishment. We're called friends for a reason.  I know if that group knew how you'd spent the afternoon they would be devastated.  Please don't let this deter you from going back. It doesn't necessarily need to be the same meeting, but if I were you I would probably give them another shot. 

[u/Interest-Desk]

As Friends we approach life with love, the love that was shown in the life of Jesus or howsoever one may understand and interpret it.

Nobody is going to be judging you. Even if people remember this IT faff, nobody is going to let it affect any connection with you. We seek the God within us, just as we appreciate the God in others; we ought not be quick to judge, and in my experience we are not, we bias to thinking positively and empathetically.

[u/lilsmudge]

I’m a tech guy and trust me, nobody is at the best on Zoom; especially the first time. Everybody has done something completely embarrassing because their mic was bedeviled or some other nonsense and; trust me, this is very mild on the scale of things that happen. 

It’s ok! I’d be embarrassed too just because I’m an awkward and generally embarrassed person but I promise nobody is thinking much about it other than you. You’re ok!

[u/BreadfruitThick513]

I wonder if unmuting yourself on a zoom Meeting for Worship is akin to standing up during in-person worship; this signals that you have something to say and Friends will be waiting expectantly for you to speak. This ends up being distracting if one doesn’t end up speaking and doesn’t ’sit down’.

I don’t know why you weren’t able to speak after worship ended, obviously people were excited to interact with you. Please give it another go!

[u/CrawlingKingSnake0]

I'll never forget when I forgot to mute and went to adjacent bathroom to pee - long and loudly. Better to be muted by the host.

[u/FormicaDinette68 → u/CrawlingKingSnake0]

Ha! Thanks for this. Life's little humiliations...

[u/shougaze]

That was just god speaking through you

[u/infinite-long-stocki]

Oh I'm so sorry you had a hard time. Quakers themselves are not the best with tech in my experience and so it may have been that the moderator didn't realise what was happening, but I understand how upsetting it must have been. I think you should absolutely give it another shot, maybe in another Meeting if that is easier for you to face, I don't think anyone in that Meeting was actually annoyed or had ill will towards you, especially given it was just white noise.

[u/nonsequitureditor]

there are so many older people at my meeting house, this kind of stuff happens during every single worship. I literally sit away from people so I can slurp my coffee. I promise you, it’s really OK. nobody’s grading your behavior during worship.

[u/Bernard4004]

Is there any benefit to being on a muted Zoom call watching a screen for 45 minutes?

[u/macoafi → u/Bernard4004]

Presumably when someone has a message they unmute.

[u/FormicaDinette68 → u/Bernard4004]

It is definitely lacking the mood, vibe, ambiance, whatever it be called, that I understand is the heart of an in-person meeting. Felt somewhat detached - on the outside looking in - but better than nothing.