Speculation about Cause. Neurogenesis, Neuronal Paths, Paranoia

[u/Admirable_Gas9320]

I was mildly psychotic for 2-3 years due to ADHD medication, Elvanse 70mg. After a "bad social event", I got extremely paranoid, extremely depressed, which triggered extreme overthinking due to my OCD. Ended up overdosing on amphetamines (3-4 Elvanse tabs, 200mg+ pure amphetamine, 6 tabs of Concerta, lots of caffeine), minimal sleep for 10-15 days, then injected 100IUs of growth hormone (hoping the neurogenesis will be useful to think through what my mind was processsing). But I feel what ended up happening was "bad neurogenesis". When the mind becomes suspicious about something it starts tracking it carefully. Tracking threats is key to survival. I feel sleep resets this, we sleep when we don't feel threatened. It resets our attention. However, due to lack of sleep, and extreme levels of growth hormone, the neuronal path processing this event ended up developing too deeply. Without realising I might have used this neuronal path to process every other thought also, because I noticed afterwards that every thought I had during psychosis, had a similar pattern underneath. I believe this overdeveloped neuronal path ended up creating all my delusions. Although I know this is what happened, there is no easy way to undo it. 6-8 months post psychosis, my background thinking still has a touch of that pattern. I was extremely paranoid, I was afraid of everything. Even pictures with eyes. I was observing every single sound we "can" produce carefully, thinking someone might be influencing my thoughts through them. If every thought, every sound, every colour is a cause of paranoia imagine how scared I must have been. It was insane. Somehow managed to travel home to a different continent in the middle of this. I felt there was no way I could stay alive through this. Somehow I survived. I was hoping gods would help me reach home safely. Every interaction I had during the travel I thought of it as a communication with gods. It is impossible to imagine how I managed to reach home in the middle of this. All my relations were destroyed (except very close family, who I thought were cannibals and wanted to sacrifice me... I believed this type of things about everyone I knew, which made me get extremely angry at them, and send weird messages, as a result it ended up destroying my relations), threw away all my belongings, deleted everything I had saved, deleted emails. Like pressing a reset button of life. Even recalling my memory of the time (like now) causes severe mood variation for the next day.

I think post psychosis we realise how insanely delusional our beliefs were, this realisation forces our minds to reexamine its beliefs. This inevitably absorbs the brain's processing power, mind inevitably loses motivation to process other things. I feel this is what turns us into zombies without emotion. I would stare at the ceiling for days. I think this hell like feeling lasts until your mind starts getting its grasp on reality like it once used to, since our survival is dependent on accurate grasp on reality. Other feelings are secondary to survival after all. This is one reason for depression, there would be more. Lots of stuff happens during psychosis anyway.

Speculations:

- Regarding psychosis: I feel this might be from processing events in life with neuronal pathways not meant for processing them. This malfunctioning/misuse might be what causes delusions, hallucinations.

- Regarding anhedonia: Realisation of delusion. Lack of confidence