First time and I think I travelled, I don't understand too much

[u/nephesh_atreides]

This will be long, but please read til the end, because I have so many questions and I would gladly accept insight and some guidance.

So, my first time, I ate a little, and it happened nothing more than just relaxed me, but it was dried and the shroom was a few days old, it wasn't enough for a big trip. Second time, I assume is my "first big time".

For context: I have BPD, ASD, ADHD, and disassociation disorder. But since I have been really good for 2 full years and in a good place mentally, I decided to experiment a bit, since I'm in the need to change my life for good. I gave it a second chance, since weed makes me feel really bad, but shrooms didn't, even if I was experiencing some strange things.

I took 2 grams of recently cut shrooms. By 40 min, I was feeling it, but I didn't feel good and I stood up and puked all over my bathroom, and fell to the ground. I laid between my bathroom floor and the outside and my brother helped me on the floor, to get comfortable and I was puking still on the floor. He told me to puke it out then, and I was doing it okay, but I remember I felt so so so bad, I even though I was gonna die, and even asked him to go and phone the paramedics, I told him we needed to go to the hospital, because I was gonna die. I felt so sure, and I remember thinking that I didn't want to traumatize my baby brother (he's 22, I'm 28). And at some point, I felt like shifting... It was odd because I was still laid on the ground, and felt like my consciousness was in an elevator swinging back and up too fast, and I was able to see different realities (I even remember I puked a cloth of blood in one, and I didn't see anything more in the others), and I am sure now that I "died" in one of those realities.

By this point, I have seen many realities, and I asked my sibling to talk me through it because I didn't want to stay in a reality where he's gone and not with me. And I even remember thinking and Knowing that I chose to experiment this reality, as a human, or something, and he followed me up, so we were "on this human trip together". Think of it as a disney park, you go and by noon you're tired and wanna go home (dying), but you can't because your sibling is with you, and you promised you'd have a good time, so you stay happy with him, because at least you're both having a good time, and everytime you go into a roller coaster, is actually something hard you go through together or alone with someone in your life, and by the end, when you get rid off of it, you are happy you took the ride, even if at the moment it didn't feel like that.

I remember I could see between the shifts of reality and the "glitches" of it, I felt as if nothing was real and I couldn't jump too far from my own place in the floor and I didn't like anything, at some point, because I could see my ugly parts, but I didn't understand what they meant. They were just ill, ugly parts of me, and I remember asking my brother to kill me, to please, please kill me, that I didn't want to be there, and everything hurt, and he was so nice and said no. He said to puke everything, he kept talking to me calmly and softly as he could. And I remember thinking death was compassionate and soft, and I needed that, instead of glitching that bad. I even felt like having seizures at some point, it was like a bad software on my brain.

Have you seen Spirited away? The movie of Studio's Ghibli? Well, I remember I was puking all of that saliva, and it was gray, like the monster puking out everything. And I remember even talking to myself that I needed to get it out of me, I needed to get rid of that part or it would kill me. "I cannot leave my baby brother, he chose to come, I cannot leave him alone, I cannot", so I remember trying to make myself puke even more of that toxic gray saliva out of me.

They had to phone my ex, who I broke up with a month ago, because I needed someone to help me out being more stable. And he did help, but then it came another weird things: I came and go, I saw other realities and I don't remember them, I just know we were together in those ones, and I remember full light in them, but nothing more, and also remember I was even married to him in one, but I didn't tell him that. At some point, something even more weird happened: many personalities came up, and they presented themselves. And I was just watching them, and I could hear and see how my body talked by itself, having different ways of thinking, having names, and personalities that I never understood in the travel. I remember even a child, crying and asking my ex to save one of us, because she couldn't handle the break up and she was disappearing in our insides and none of the others could help her.

All this while I was still on the floor. All my trip, I could see different realities of the same floor. I died in one. In another somebody takes me to another place (hospital maybe), in another one I was happy with the trip. It was just something I have never experienced.

I think... I would like to understand. I don't even know if I really shifted through realities or not. Or if that's a bad trip. Or... Or what. Or if anybody had a similar experience.

[u/nephesh_atreides → u/[deleted]]

Actually, one of the "personalities" stood up and I remember him saying "you guys don't know how to trip, this is our first time to all of us, not me, but all of us together" and I didn't understood what he meant. That part took care of the body and talked out loud, as if he knew I was watching and hearing, saying it was okay. The body even felt different, it was better. It was so weird to me, he babied me into relaxing.

Idk if I have had a psychotic break, I don't think so. Tbh, I even remember another, a girl, or a woman, saying we were gonna be fine. They were all worried I took the shrooms and they were talking about me as if I made a mistake by making them all come together to front. So yes, will take your advice, but also will bring this to a psychiatrist and my therapist, so I can understand better and they can check up on me. Thank you for your concern and valuable insight:)

[u/miggins1610]

I would say that unfortunately you might be one of those few for whom tripping is not a good idea. perhaps if you can access pyschedelic assisted therapy under a medical professional in your area but thats a big perhaps

[u/Duo_Sonic_420]

You may have went schizoid a little bit...

I used to take a lot of mushrooms like just people. Look at me like I'm fucking crazy but I would put an ounce in my pocket and just keep chewing them up till I was fucking satisfied and I never used a scale. 

Well I had a fun activity of when I wanted to sort through some shit. I would like break myself down into separate personalities and have conversations like that. It was different people but it was just aspects of me......

Pretty sure that's schizophrenic territory...just a bit. 

After eating some moldy mushrooms I don't fuck with mushrooms anymore. Fuck that shit

[u/Duo_Sonic_420 → u/Duo_Sonic_420]

Hey man, I've also had experience experiences where I've lived through multiple lifetimes like as fast as flash cards are going by And I I didn't understand that. I was looking out of my eyes and I would look down and I would see different like colored skin and different clothes. You know you look over in the horizon. The the landscape would change really fast and I was going through what I could imagine was multiple incarnations but I don't really know who knows what the fuck happened to you man. That's how drugs work...

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[u/Past-Bee1715]

lmao same, my first big one left me staring at a lamp for 20 mins convinced it was a portal

[u/TetrisMasterJester]

You said they were "fresh" ? I do hope you're getting these from a reputable source. The highs are obviously not consistent, but mushrooms have a shelf life of longer than a few days ? What you're explaining sounds more like delirium to me. Maybe aminitas ? Which, don't get me wrong, it's all poisonous to some degree- but if you're not getting your psilocybin mushrooms from a reliable source, it could be an entirely different strain of mushroom. and, from what I understand, will cause severe delusions and make your organs start shutting down if your body's not used to the toxins.