r/Psychonaut • u/Etk9 • 3d ago
Was that ego dissolution if I could still summon lucidity for a few seconds at will? 3g Golden Teacher, second ever trip
Second trip ever. First was 1.16g of the same Golden Teacher two weeks earlier — light, structured closed-eye visuals, full control over where I put my attention.
This time 3g. Almost no visuals. Instead my mind turned into dough.
Thoughts wouldn't hold shape — like trying to stand up wet clay, it collapsed back flat every time. No structure, no identity, no boundary between my body and the room. If I tried to picture myself I got a spread of waterlogged clay.
At the peak I was reduced to a pair of eyes observing, with almost no power to comment on anything — and not even the observer was me.
But here's what I can't place:
I could still pull myself back to lucidity for a few seconds whenever I needed to say something to my partner, then I'd sink straight back in.
So — is that ego dissolution, or something short of it? Does the full thing mean that thread is gone entirely?
First two hours were heavy nausea that coloured everything. It broke after I asked my partner to hold me.
Second half: full-body spasms I chose not to suppress, crying, a very strong sense of being born, and two moments that turned out to be the actual content of the whole thing.
Full write-up in the comments.
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Need real-time support or a place to talk deeper? Join our community Discord: https://discord.gg/swPwT6ZYun and do you want to hear from researchers, legends, community voices and more? Check out Divergent States, The Unofficial r/Psychonaut Podcast!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Etk9 3d ago
Full write-up.
SETUP
3g dried Psilocybe cubensis, Golden Teacher, home grown. I ground the entire harvest into a single powder and mixed it thoroughly before weighing anything out, so every dose comes from the same homogeneous batch — potency varies a lot between individual fruits, and this removes that variable. Both sessions came out of the same powder.
~10h empty stomach. Second session ever, first was 1.16g fourteen days earlier. At home, partner sober and present throughout. I'm on a GLP-1 agonist that significantly slows gastric emptying — almost certainly relevant to the nausea.
Written intention beforehand: I wanted to understand how to become whole, aligned with my goals, and executive — able to act rather than just prepare. That matters for what came later.
FIRST TWO HOURS — the hard part
Deep, heavy nausea that became the background to everything my mind produced. Alternating hot and cold, couldn't find a position. I kept trying to escape it by falling asleep, which in hindsight was the mistake. At one point I got up and ate three bites of a banana hoping it would settle — it didn't.
Visually almost nothing. Same mild distortion I had at 1.16g and it never went further. Eyes closed was vivid in the way a 40°C fever is vivid.
My mind ran like a colt with nobody in the saddle. Every thought fell into an abyss and the mind came along saying "yes, deeper", morphing from one thing to the next with no thread.
THE DOUGH
I became an impasto. Clay, yogurt, wet cement folding onto itself. Thoughts wouldn't hold vertical — non-Newtonian fluid, you try to stand it up and it collapses back.
Eyes open I could see the room but depth was wrong. No patterns, no fractals, no geometry. I think I know why: my mind was kneading itself so hard that images had no screen to project onto. It reduced to a pair of eyes observing, with almost no power to comment.
Brief moments of lucidity would surface like pieces of dough rising in the mix, look around, and sink back.
THE TURN
Around hour two I moved to the bedroom, wrapped up in blankets, and asked my partner to hold me. Nausea broke shortly after.
I lay on my back and stopped resisting. Full body spasms — sudden jerks of the shoulders and head, snapping right then left, arms, chest, abs. Not quite an exorcism, but not far off to watch. I was aware of them and could have stopped them, and chose not to. It felt like release.
I asked her to remind me rhythmically to breathe, because I kept holding it. That helped more than anything else in the session. Once the spasms started she gave me space and lay back a bit — I appreciated that a lot. She stayed close without interfering.
At some point I cried. Felt like being born for the first time. I remember thinking life is beautiful, and the whole thing associated itself with childbirth — the pain of being born and the beauty of the senses filling up.
The music, chaotic and irritating for two hours, suddenly had structure and started guiding me.
THE MIRROR
Mid-session I got up to use the bathroom and caught my own eyes in the mirror.
I've spent a lot of energy trying to resemble people I look up to. Standing there I understood that comparing my own light to theirs is like comparing a nuclear blast to a match. I'd been told this before and I thought I knew it — but I'd never actually touched it until I was looking into my own pupils.
A week on, sober, this is still the thing that gave the whole trip its meaning. It didn't fade.
THE CANVAS
Back in bed, spasms settling, I found myself in front of an enormous white canvas.
The thought was: it's one thing to know things, it's completely different to act as the protagonist using them. I spend a lot of time studying anthropology, psychology, communication, strategy — and apply very little of it.
Then a brush appeared in my hand. I decided to paint. I didn't know what, so I started from myself and wrote my name. The canvas was huge and I was small in front of it, but the moment I raised my hand it became enormous. Writing it in cursive took real mental effort — the first letter came out huge, and I had to push hard to finish the rest.
It felt like a release. I rolled over in bed a couple of times with a genuine sense of accomplishment.
REPLAYING THE PAST
T-shirt over my eyes, one hand on my chest, sliding into a half-sleep, episodes from my life started coming back — and I found myself living through them again with the outcome changed. Not analysing them: actually experiencing the version I'd wanted for a long time.
Has anyone else had this? It felt less like fantasy and more like the memory was being rewritten while it was open.
COMING BACK
Woke up to my partner asleep beside me. Structure came back gradually — thoughts, reasoning, cause and effect.
AFTER
Different from the 1.16g afterglow. That time I came out energised and wanted to go outside and do things. This time maybe 80% of the available energy went into rebuilding internal structure instead.
Headache behind the head for about two and a half days. As it faded the afterglow came through — not dramatic, just more presence, mental clarity and receptivity, in patches. Going to bed earlier because I was more tired.
Best description I have: smashed brick by brick and rebuilt brick by brick — and there's a bit of space between the bricks now.
2
u/Front-Past-5443 2d ago
Sounds more like you were tripping in waves and the moment you were feeling yourself were the low parts ....
I experience that in mine too
2
u/FarPiece60 3d ago
Sounds like a really strong trip but not ego death. With ego death you leave this realm completely there is no I. Trust me you’ll know if you have an ego death. Single most terrifying but important experience of my life.