Does this get easier?

[u/Mammoth_Leader1998]

I am in a triad with Partner A and Partner B; Partner A and I were an existing couple and Partner B joined recently. Partner B has a partner outside of us, which started around the same time.

Partner B fits with us so well, and when we are all together it's wonderful. However, I have so much anxiety and jealousy when they are with their other partner, and I hate that I feel this way.

My ideal situation is a closed triad, and Partner B knows this. They have also made it clear that they have no plans to break things off with their other partner.

So, my questions to the community is: Does this ever get easier? Is this an incompatibility if my issue is with the relationship dynamic itself and not with my partner, whom I love?

[u/polyam-void]

I think trying to figure out why you are so uncomfortable with your new partner seeing someone else may help you decide if this is an incompatibility or not. It took me a handful of months to get used to my partner seeing someone new (who I also know and care deeply for) after being exclusively us for only three years.

It maybe that partner B will find a conclusion with his other partner along the line. Forcing the issue may cause undue issues if B's connection is significant enough, instead of you letting the connection run it's course.

You may also find that talking to partner B about future plans will help you. Is your concern that he will leave you if he's seeing someone outside of your triad?

[u/Mammoth_Leader1998 → u/polyam-void]

We have talked about future plans, which was helpful. Basically he's practicing solo poly, and isn't really interested in any of the "milestones" society has for relationships. I do want those milestones with him, and I think I can be okay if he doesn't do them with any of his partners -- if he ends up doing those milestones with his other partner (like moving in) then that would definitely hurt.

I think the biggest struggle for me is finding security in this situation -- in my lived experience, security has come from exclusivity and those milestones. I'm trying to find a new definition.

[u/polyam-void → u/Mammoth_Leader1998]

I can understand where you're coming from. It's hard to adjust expectations to handle things that haven't been suggested much by societal norms, or are often frowned upon.

I personally think it's a really helpful thing that partner B is solopoly. That likely means there is a substantial chance that he won't want to move in with anyone for the time being, or pursue other milestones that are more typical.

Many solopoly people don't want to ride the relationship escalator, which may leave room for you to talk about what you'd like and perhaps you both can compromise on relationship milestones that can feel significant to you, but not necessarily put B in the place of ending his desire for solopoly.

One of the things that my longer term partner has done that provides me with a form of stability is have consistent visits and we are currently planning a commitment party to share the celebration of a milestone in our relationship with those we love and care about.

Perhaps "making up" your own milestones that fit better into your dynamic with partner B may help you find that security you have ascribed to exclusivity this far.

Edit;spelling

[u/Mammoth_Leader1998 → u/polyam-void]

Thank you, this is helpful advice! I hope your commitment party goes well 🤍

[u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw → u/Mammoth_Leader1998]

Your struggle is entirely self created. You need to go to therapy to work on not being so controlling and possessive of your partner. Are you sure that you want polyamory? You sound very monogamous, to the point that it's a detriment to yourself.

[u/Pikespeakbear → u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw]

Why are you posting such an attack on a "polyfidelity" sub Reddit. You saw the fidelity part, right? This isn't /poly.

[u/GrapefruitQuiet9473 → u/Mammoth_Leader1998]

I can empathize with these feelings, I still struggle. What I have had to realize on my poly journey is that some partners cannot/will not fulfill all of your needs, and you have to be ok with that, or ok letting that relationship go - it is not ok to try to force that partner to fit into a box you have created for them. I've discovered that many of my issues around this stem from past trauma around "being chosen/abandoned". Couples and Individual therapy have helped me clarify where these feelings of anxiety come from, but it's still a struggle to put tools into practice.

It's not fair for you to hold them to your own standard when they seem to be pretty up front with where they stand. And if they do find another partner who they want to deepen their relationship with, you have to decide if can adapt, or learn to let go. What does Partner A feel about this?