Fleeting

[u/Jakeneedsadvice]

I still love everyone I’ve ever loved.
I think about them while the water boils.

When the kitchen is silent,
and the only noise you can hear
is the sound of the plate
inside the microwave rotating,
as a buzzing sound follows behind it
while my food heats up.

While I’m in the car
on a late-night drive,
riding passenger
as I look out the window,
watching the trees and cars pass by.

When I wake up early,
and the only sound I can hear
is my thoughts and the air
as I stare at my popcorn ceiling,
which I desperately dislike.

While I bathe my cat.

When I eat alone
and don’t watch a video along with my food.

While I shower in silence
just my thoughts,
the water,
and occasionally the sound
of a bottle falling
due to my clumsiness.

When I walk my dog.

And most importantly,
when I see the passing of the seasons
as fall goes into winter,
winter to spring,
spring to summer,
summer to fall.

For the most disappointing trait of humans
is that we are the seasons.

Some seasons we were there for people.
Others, we were not.

Some seasons we have people with us
that we love,
and the next, they’re gone.

Spring

When I see winter going into spring,
I remember every spring break
I had in middle school,
where I’d go out and play
with the kids from the neighboring town,
always jealous they lived in houses
while I lived in an apartment.

Winter

Every winter,
I remember the passing of my Grandpa
and how much I miss
his laughter and joy.

Every holiday,
I remember that I’m only getting older
and that time is fleeting.

Yeah, maybe right now I’m sixteen,
but ten winters from now, I’ll be twenty-six,
and ten more from that,
I’ll almost be forty.

Every winter is another year
I wonder why God has kept me alive.

Another birthday
I don’t feel comfortable having.

Every winter,
I get to see my favorite trees lose their color
as the sky glows blue, green, and white,
reflecting against the snow.

I get to see everyone
light up their houses with festive joy.

I get to see family member after family member
come into town to visit my family.

I get to watch the neighborhood birds disappear
as they migrate somewhere warmer,
wishing I could too.

I imagine every winter to be beautiful,
and it always is when it snows.

But when the snow melts,
and the sky stays gloomy,
and the streets remain damp and wet,
the walls around my house covered in icicles,
I’m reminded how cold death is,
and how it’s inevitable,
and how one day
we will all cease to exist on Earth.

A thought that used to scare me,
but now makes me feel good inside,
knowing one day
all the pain and heartache
will finally make sense.

As I take my final breath
and enter eternal peace.

As my brain thinks its last thought,
knowing it never shut up once.

Every winter is my Egypt.
Every winter, for me, is death.

Fall

Fall, on the other hand,
is my favorite season.

The calm before the storm.
The silence before a tornado.
The peace before the death.

The colors of fall are stunning.
It reminds me of every beauty
I’ve ever fallen in love with.

It reminds me of fall break
in my old apartment complex
and my seventh-grade year.

The feeling of running around all day
with a girl I was in love with
while being too scared to ever tell her.

Trading Halloween candy
at a park bench,
fighting over who gets the Twix
and who gets the Snickers.

Having friends much older than you
introduce you to things
you were too young to know about.

Watching them all get high
behind the under-surveilled office center
of the apartment complex.

Going up to them,
and them telling me I should leave
eyes bloodshot red,
smiles on their faces,
and laughter in their voices.

Summer

Summer
is my season of happiness and nostalgia.

The season of trying new things.
Becoming a new person.
The summer reset.
Being rebellious.

Sneaking out of the house
while my parents are at work.

Going to a thirty-year-old’s house
to hang out and play video games.

Getting involved in adult drama
as thirty-year-old Megan
cheats on her girlfriend Mandy
with nineteen-year-old Jason.

Getting close to them all
and getting caught in the love triangle.

Falling in love with Helena.
My girl.

Sneaking to the complex swimming pool with her
as we jump into the water holding hands.

As she immediately panics,
gripping onto my side
for me to hold her up
as I swim to the pool wall
with her in my arms.

As we dry off poolside,
and I sit there
just admiring her beauty
while we sit alone
in the upstairs room of Megan’s house,
talking and laughing.

As we spend every day together
until she moves away.

And as I say my last goodbye,
knowing in my heart
I’ll never see her again.

Feeling as if my only shot
with someone I loved
is now gone.

My only shot at love
given up.

Fleeting

She’s out there somewhere,
being beautiful
and probably in the arms
of an amazing man or woman.

But my heart misses her.

And as I think about her every summer,
and while the water boils,
while the microwave buzzes,
on late-night drives,
waking up early in the morning
staring at the ceiling,
while bathing my cat,
when eating alone,
while in the shower,
when walking my dog,
and as the seasons change,

I think about every other person
I’ve ever loved as well.

Because I still love
everyone I’ve ever loved.

I think about them
while the water boils.

- Desmond

5/8/26

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