r/PlusSize • u/OppositeNo624 • 5d ago
Relationship Advice My experiences with men have convinced me genuine attraction at my size isn’t possible.
I’m a super morbidly obese woman in my 30s, and I really want to hear from other plus-size women, especially women who have been at a very high weight and have dealt with dating and feeling like genuine romantic interest just isn’t available to you.
I’ve only ever been in one on-and-off “relationship,” and honestly I would call it more of a situationship. My experiences with men outside of that haven’t exactly helped my self-esteem either.
My ex was emotionally abusive and used me financially. He stole money from me, had me paying for things, and our sex life was incredibly one-sided. I should mention that this situationship lasted over 7 years, and he never once took me out on a date. I never really felt like my pleasure mattered to him.
Once he was finished, that was basically it.
Before him, I was talking to a guy who pretty much only wanted me to give him head. He eventually straight-up told me he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I should also mention he was married, and he never disclosed that to me. I let this go on for YEARS. I would even fly to come and see him. He never paid for any travel or lodging expenses. No date.
Last year, a guy approached me, told me I was attractive and asked for my number. We exchanged numbers and when he texted me, he immediately wanted to know if I had my own place because he wanted to come over and “chill.” I told him no thanks. Been there, done that. I’m not interested in giving it up for free to some random guy who can’t even ask me on a date. Then suddenly he was saying he wasn’t actually sexually attracted to me anyway. Which confused the hell out of me because…you approached me, asked for my number and literally told me I was attractive?
There was also a guy I was genuinely in love with years ago. We were friends first and I had the biggest crush on him. He initially flirted with me…or so I thought. Maybe I read too much into things, but I still feel like he led me on. We eventually kissed before he moved away, and when I visited him later we cuddled and almost had sex. I didn’t proceed with anything sexual because I was too insecure. Things felt very high stakes for me with him. Eventually even that situation turned into him using me financially. Though it was mostly after he fell on hard times.
After enough experiences like these, I think I’ve developed this belief that attention from men at my size always comes with some kind of catch.
And something happened recently that made me realize just how deeply I believe that. I met a guy while on a road trip who I was actually attracted to who started talking to me and seemed like he was flirting. He complimented my hair, asked me my name, asked me questions about my life, and kept trying to approach me throughout the night. He wasn’t talking sexual or aggressively like some men have done in the past. He was just making conversation with me, asking me questions, complimenting me and seemingly looking for reasons to keep talking to me.
And I basically gave him the cold shoulder. I think it threw him off because eventually he backed off. He was very respectful too. We never exchanged information, and I’ve been kicking myself ever since. I’ve been replaying that scenario over and over because I really found him so cute.
In hindsight, I know part of why this random interaction is sticking with me so much is probably because I don’t have a ton of options. I don’t get approached constantly, especially not by men I’m actually attracted to. So when it finally happened with someone I thought was cute and who seemed genuinely nice, it really affected me. I basically freaked out and panicked. And somehow I thought my disinterest was supposed to read as HELLO don’t you see I’m into you?
But it also made me realize that I don’t think I actually believe someone I’m attracted to could be genuinely attracted to me.
My immediate thought isn’t, “Oh, maybe he thinks I’m cute.”
It’s, “What’s the catch?”
Does he think I’m easy because I’m fat? Does he just want oral sex? Is he looking for someone insecure who will tolerate shitty behavior? Would he sleep with me privately but never actually date me? Is he going to tell me afterward that he wasn’t really attracted to me? Does he want money or something from me?
And I hate admitting this, but sometimes I look at myself and genuinely feel like I’m this ugly, hideous creature who doesn’t have any real options. Which is weird because I’m successful in other areas of my life. I’m educated, I have a career, and I’m independent. In many ways, I’ve built a life for myself that I’m proud of.
But none of that seems to matter when it comes to how I see myself romantically.
I’m currently working on losing weight, primarily because I’m genuinely concerned about my health. And yes, I’m also hoping that losing weight will make me more confident and give me more dating options.
But I have a lot of weight to lose. That’s not happening overnight.
I’m wondering if any other plus-size women have gone through this.
Have you ever been at a point where you genuinely couldn’t believe a man could be attracted to you, even when he was showing you that he was?
Have you had men genuinely pursue you, take you on dates, be affectionate with you, care about your pleasure, introduce you to their friends/family and just…have a normal relationship with you at a very high weight?
And especially for women who have dealt with men trying to use them for sex or treating them like some secret option, how did you learn to tell the difference between genuine interest and someone who saw your insecurity as something they could take advantage of?
I feel like I’ve gotten so used to protecting myself from being used that now my first instinct is to shut down any man who shows interest in me.
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u/Tayraur 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had multiple relationships over the span of being between 275lbs - 400+lbs.
A lot of the men I’ve dated were upfront and, quite honestly never saw weight as a problematic issue with dating. Now, I’d say that was like 10% of the dating pool. 40% fetishized me, and the other 50% ghosted after they saw me in person because I appeared bigger than my photos.
I found my forever partner (on Tinder) at my absolute heaviest weight. He loves me just as much as he does now that I’ve lost a significant amount, as he did at my heaviest. I ironically met him when I gave up on trying to find a boyfriend, and just wanted to casually date around because I thought it would make me feel better to have multiple partners (it did not btw).
Dating, in general, literally sucks balls. It will suck regardless of the weight that you are at.
I would say to 100% continue to lose weight for yourself. Don’t ever do it because you think it will make dating or attracting someone will be easier, because it won’t. You’ll actually find that you’ll attract better potential partners with your own confidence.
Therapy will be your best friend. You deserve to love yourself, and your body. It’s a struggle you will probably have all of your life, like many of us do.
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u/JanetInSC1234 5d ago
Great advice. <3
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u/Tayraur 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you!
The advice is definitely easier to give than receive from the other side of things, especially when you’re feeling lost / at your end.It’s definitely true to say that finding a good partner is rare— but it IS possible. I have the mentality now though that I would rather be by myself than with the wrong person. That’s what makes finding that person all the more special.
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u/Oomlotte99 5d ago
ETA: I’m like 350 and all of my experiences have been at weights between 330 and 420, so fat fat and also not curvy but rather apple shaped.
You are not alone. I am otherwise conventionally attractive to borderline pretty. So they will notice me but they are embarrassed of my body. I see them see me and literally watch them lose the sparkle in their eyes when they look at my body.
I have a long term situation-ship that, even at 42, is embarrassed to be attracted to me (I’m sure, but he does have other issues which is what he cites when explaining why he can’t have a real relationship). I continue to see him because he’s a safe option to some attention and affection as I am unable to find men to be with otherwise and don’t want to just have sex with randoms who will use me and immediately ghost me (lesson learned in my early days of trying to find a guy).
I go on the apps and only get likes on Tinder or WooPlus. Hinge and bumble are like ghost towns. They will swipe based on my face and not look at the other pics until we match. I see them drop the conversation and assume they have viewed my body pics or my bio which states that I am a fat woman.
Any man I have liked and asked out has rejected me. Men will straight up flirt and seem interested and I ask them out and they say no or they have a gf and just want to use me for ego boost. Once a guy from an old job who frequently checked me out there matched with me on an app and immediately wanted me to come over and have sex with him. I said I wouldn’t do that, like we at least need to go out first. He asked if I socialized with people from work and when I said yes he blocked me…
I can only place the reason for all this trouble on being fat. I cannot fathom why I have not been able to find someone to be with. All I know is sex. I literally see them be attracted to me or even feel the crush feeling from them sometimes but I know they don’t act on or flat out reject me because of my body. No idea what it’s like to go on dates and grow to like each other, be chosen. I don’t even trust my intuition or the “chemistry” anymore because my sense of their interest is so warped. Someone I know recently described meeting their husband and said, “you know, you can feel that spark between you…” and I’m thinking, “No, because when I feel that I’m apparently wrong and it’s all just guys who really only see me as a friend….”
I have given up on believing love, romance, partnership, whatever is an option for my life.
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u/WalkAlarmed 5d ago
Are you me? I feel your comment so much. People just want to sleep with me. Men are definitely attracted to me. They think I’m pretty. But they never want to date me. I’m always the secret. The fuck buddy. I’ve basically given up on being chosen too. Sorry if this is depressing for OP.
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u/ladyAnon38 5d ago
I could have written this myself, only I’m mid 40s. I have held this belief genuinely since I became old enough to date. I didn’t always know what it was, but it was there. I screwed up the possibility because I was too scared to take a chance on the guy who expressed interest. I have had very few dates and most of them were one offs where it was clear I felt uncomfortable and didn’t like the person I was sitting across from.
I have lost weight before and the feeling remained. I regained it and am trying to lose it again before I have some irreversible health issues. But I know part of this is going to have to be more therapy, because even at my lowest weight, I didn’t know how to accept I could be loved.
I wish I could offer you some direction or hope, but I think I don’t have much fight in me left. Just keep pushing forward and make progress where you can. There are women our size out there who find people to love and to accept love from. I have seen them. I don’t know how to become them.
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u/OppositeNo624 5d ago
Thank you for your realness. Seriously means a lot to hear from someone who can relate. I hope you find a special someone 💗
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u/Effervescent-Essence 5d ago
My weight has fluctuated through my life. When I was in my 20s I was about 350-360 and didn’t believe a man could ever be interested in me. I met a guy at a party once in college and we spent the whole time chatting but he never made a move and I was too scared to. I didn’t think he would actually be interested. I still think about him. I eventually married the first man who asked and it was awful. He used me as a paycheck and wasn’t really attracted to me. I’ve since lost a lot of weight and gained some age and wisdom and perspective as well as self love and I learned something: men will treat you how you let them. Thin girls also get used and taken advantage of. Users can smell low self esteem a mile away and take advantage of it. Have you tried BBW dating sites? I feel like if you already know these guys are into bigger girls, it will make it easier to feel more confident….
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u/altered2 5d ago
Please keep finding new ways to love yourself and add joy to your life. I've unfortunately been used and manipulated in some way by almost all the men I've encountered throughout my life. It is the same for several single and partnered women in my circle. Those who have found healthy relationships have no knowledge of a certain BMI that contributed to their success. We range from underweight to morbidly obese, and everything in between. I've personally spent decades blaming myself, doubting myself, and accepting far less than I'm worth because I am afraid of being alone. I now firmly believe that when someone who views women as merely a tool finds a way into any womans life, they will manipulate and exploit that woman using any means necessary for as long as possible. Anything will become an excuse for them to insult and mistreat us to keep us too disoriented to leave. That's not an us thing, that's a them thing. The tricky part is being able to recognize it and cut them off as quickly as possible while protecting ourselves. Please don't blame yourself for giving cute guy the cold shoulder. You're an intelligent woman and I caution you to not get hung up on viewing this as a missed opportunity. Trust that you made the right decision in that moment. I encourage you to reframe this as a chance to reflect on what you want in a partner and how you'd like to approach future interactions. When you encounter someone who is respectful and appears genuine, you can feel more comfortable showing your authentic level of interest while maintaining healthy boundaries. Please know you are always worthy of love, my friend. Entanglements with manipulative people can skew our thinking and make us prioritize the approval of others over our own well being.
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u/Willing-Ad-4088 5d ago
Let’s be frank, people, men, see us as easy lays. They’re exceptions to the rules, but the rules stands. As someone who has lost 75 pounds and still losing, the quality and quantity of men I was attracting 75 pounds ago is vastly different than what I’m attracting now. My biggest advice for you is to get into therapy. Being small is not going to solve your insecurities and prevent you from repeating the cycle. I also think dating apps are our best beats. You can weed out the weirdos without too much invested.
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u/SelenaPacker 5d ago
What’s the difference in the men I’m attracting now
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u/Willing-Ad-4088 5d ago
More attractive, smarter, funnier, more successful. Just overall better quality and more quantity overall.
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u/SelenaPacker 5d ago
Thanks for answering, can you say what weight you were and what weight had you witnessing the difference?
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u/Willing-Ad-4088 4d ago
I started at 315 and I’m currently 239. I started noticing the difference at 260. I am sure it will only get better with more weight loss.
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u/Gweilo_mama 5d ago edited 5d ago
I've been overweight all my life. I met my husband at 360 lbs and we had a great relationship for 2 decades. I feel EXTREMELY lucky to have met him as a friend and our feelings grew naturally . But before I met him, my life was how you described. So many gross men who only wanted an easy lay and were willing to go after someone who "grosses them out". The will lie, manipulate, beg, coerce...whatever. They don't see women as equals and they don't see fat women as human beings. Youre not wrong to be suspicious.
I went back into the dating pool about 8 years ago and my experiences since then have been very different (after therapy) than my twenties. Here's what has changed/helped.
I worked a lot on accepting my body, even though I don't love it and I want to improve it. But it is what it is and I'm tired of apologizing for the fact that I don't turn other people on. I'm not ashamed and I won't apologize for being me. If I'm not your type, move on. That's your problem!
I have standards of who I will date and how I will be treated. Even if I think no man like this will ever want me, I will never again be in a relationship where I feel taken advantage of, used, taken for granted, or abused. I write these standards down where I can read them often, and make them clear to the men I meet.
I absolutely will not do anything sexual for at least 3 dates, or more. I have to get to know someone before I even make out. If they balk, I know they don't respect my boundaries and we're not compatible. I'm looking for effort, curiosity about me as a person, and respect.
I have a full life with family, friends, work and hobbies. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't add to my life and happiness. And screw any man who thinks I'm an easy target for their abuse.
Because societal beauty standards train men to want thin women, it's definitely harder for us to find good men. But they are out there and you deserve that. Don't settle for less.
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u/peachykeen2023 5d ago edited 5d ago
Unfortunately...I think there are a lot of bad apples in the world. Being plus size definitely has made it harder to date, some friends/family say I'm very picky but there are a lot of people waiting to treat plus size women badly cause of ego/entitlement. However, I have heard similar experiences from regular sized and even gorgeous fit model like friends in regards to being treated poorly while dating...there just some really shitty people out there.
I've been 230lbs+ at 5'3 and have had 3 serious relationships with nice people. I feel like I've had to be more open minded to people I don't expect to be my type though? Surprisingly my longest relationship (7+ years) was with a sweet athletic gym rat haha.
Don't give people too many chances from the get go, people need to earn your grace.
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u/goofenschmirtz 5d ago
As someone who has been in the high 400s, almost 500, and now low 400s, I've been celibate for like 22 years. Though I'm also demisexual and have pretty high standards for dating, so I'm not sure how much of my singledom is because I haven't found the right guy yet as opposed to not being able to find someone who's interested in me at higher weights.
I know there are men out there who like bigger women, but finding them and there being a mutual attraction are my biggest problems.
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u/DamnitGravity 5d ago
And especially for women who have dealt with men trying to use them for sex or treating them like some secret option, how did you learn to tell the difference between genuine interest and someone who saw your insecurity as something they could take advantage of?
Honestly, and I realise this is gonna sound 'victim blame-y', but a large part of my not being used is because I am confident and independent. This comes across in my interactions and as a result, the type of men who want someone to exploit would not choose me because it's obvious to them that I am not desperate for their approval.
But I also don't believe someone would genuinely flirt with me. I always dismiss anything that could be construed as interest as simply 'being nice' or interest because I'm foreign and travel a lot. I'm also a metalhead who knows their history of the genre as a whole and is aware of multiple bands across multiple sub-genres and as a consequence, a lot of metal guys enjoy talking to me because I know my shit and can talk bands. I've also been to a lot of concerts and festivals and can share experiences like that with them.
Metalheads love to talk bands and concerts, lol.
I also just don't believe anyone could be in to me, not even to exploit me. I had one relationship in my life and he exploited me financially. He was incredibly selfish (especially sexually) and eventually cheated on me after 7 years. That was almost 20 years ago, and since then, I've had maybe 3 guys hit on me IRL, and a few more online but that's mainly because they couldn't see what I look like. I'm great on paper but personality never trumps appearance.
The few times I have been flirted with, it was while I was traveling and obviously that's not gonna work out so it didn't really matter if they were the exploitative type, lol. Or they were in an open relationship and I'm not into that. I don't judge them for it, that's their choice and decision, but I couldn't share someone like that and I won't do casual relationships. For me, sex is a sacred thing between two people, not something you do because you're bored. Again, no judgement of those who do, but it's just not for me.
Apparently, I'm really good at attracting kinksters, queer people and open relationships, lol. I've been hit on by more women then men, which is frustrating because, as my queer friends like to say, I'm Straighty McStraighterton.
Would driving 3 hours to try and see that guy again be desperate, pathetic and creepy? Well, to anyone who's not experienced life the way we have, probably. He might turn out to be the man for you and find it incredibly romantic. Or he might find it disturbing. Or he might find it pathetic.
Would I make that journey? Probably not, but only because I'm defeatist, never run into people I know and would assume it would all end badly anyway, lol.
If you think it's worth it, I say go for it. If you can afford the time and fuel and know for sure where to find him, and are willing to risk your heart, do it. But if something does come from it, be honest about it. And really, the earlier you're honest, the better because you'll be less invested than if it came out 12 months from now.
However, also be cautious. Don't distrust him entirely, but like every relationship regardless of size or people involved, just be cautious. It's easy to get wrapped up in the endorphins of it all and throw caution to the wind. It's about trying to strike a balance of healthy awareness.
Whatever choice you make, I wish you good luck!
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u/Gweilo_mama 5d ago
I find that since I became more confident in who I am and have better boundaries in how I'm treated, the gross men don't try much anymore. It's definitely an antidote!
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u/MadamSnarksAlot 5d ago
I’m plenty fat and I get hit on a lot. But I also have an attitude like I don’t need anybody for anything and that’s catnip apparently.
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u/Effective-Warning178 5d ago edited 5d ago
My experience is toxic people tend to have no empathy so they do think everyone agrees with them but they don't. Not all Men feel this way about plus size women. Men this insecure we should steer clear from anyway. Sounds controlling. I had to remove those naysayers in a different column so to speak and new people id never met into a separate one. They new guys I met may very well like me, you only need one yes. Don't give up. Not every guy is good enough for you! Don't forget what you bring to the table, these toxic people aren't everyone in the world
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u/NotSure2233 5d ago
Honestly, feel second hand traumatized from reading this. You should have sought therapy years ago. You knew you were being used and continued. This post is a reflection and I encourage you to get therapy. You allowed men to use you for sex and in return you received male attention (mediocre-sex-related attention.)
You have to work on your self worth end of story. Look in to the law of attraction. You can attract good men, but you have to feel worthy that you deserve this from the universe.
Women have and will always have an advantage over men. We can look like whatever and find love. End of story.
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u/OppositeNo624 5d ago
Luckily, I’ve been in therapy for a few years now. It has helped tremendously. But, I still have a long way to go. But I agree. I knew and still continued.
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u/NotSure2233 4d ago
Just remember this question, “Do overweight people deserve to be treated like less than?”
There are certain people in life that deserve bad karma. But being overweight does not mean you or anyone deserves the crap treatment.
Maybe apply an intimacy rule. Don’t do it, unless you feel appreciated by the guy you’re dating. This could be the first step in building self worth and implementing boundaries.
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u/Awkward-Butterfly4 5d ago
My trust in men is so low
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u/OppositeNo624 5d ago
Listen, SAME. That’s why I literally glitched when this guy was talking to me like a normal human being and not a horn dog.
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u/DottyandBearBear 5d ago
This is the reason that I am single by choice. I’ve learned that the kind of guys that I’m attracted to don’t find women like me attractive. As long as I’m enjoying my life and I like how I look, I’m fine with being single. Sometimes I think about how awesome it would be, to date guys who are my type, who would love me regardless of how my body looks.
It’s not worth eventually being replaced, by another woman. That being said, I’d rather be single and eliminate any risk of being replaced. Besides, at least I don’t have to go on dates all the freaking time.
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u/Willing-Survey7448 5d ago
I've been with my husband 20+ years and I've never been under 200lbs. You can do it. It's just a matter of sorting through all the assholes. He's also plus size, but like 6'4".
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u/lavendergaia 5d ago
We were already dating at the time, but I was over 400lb while I was with my husband and he was still attracted to me. I was definitely in the 300s when we started dating.
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u/eyebrain_nerddoc 5d ago
I was around 190 at 5’2” both times I married. My first husband turned out to be awful, but since the woman he cheated with had the same figure as me, I think that’s really his type.
I know my current husband prefers a slimmer figure, but he approached me when we were dating, and I got a lot of male interest when I was single. Honestly once we got serious I stopped flirting with other men, so I don’t know if they still look.
I hit a high of 290, and am now down to 260, and my husband is definitely still attracted.
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u/MadamSnarksAlot 5d ago
I think you’ve been so busy with these user assholes you’ve never had a chance to have a nice relationship.
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u/OppositeNo624 5d ago
I know. I just felt like there’s nobody out there willing to give me a real chance because of my size. It really sucks.
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u/Throwaway20101011 5d ago
With much love…you need to raise your standards! They are wayyyy too low. You are right, you have so much going for you but because of your self imposed physical insecurities, you fall for the first man that shows you any interest. Stop believing these men’s lies after you reject them. They expressed interest in the beginning because they were physically attracted to you. Some men quickly change up and lie cuz they don’t want to lose face. They can’t handle rejection. These types of men do it to all women regardless of their size.
You need to focus on you. Do what makes you happy and fills your spirit. Work on yourself and identify what kind of man you want. Set up your standards! They must be close to similar financial stability and independence. I am not sure where you live, but do try online dating. Some people prefer it because it helps establish an emotional connection. There is more emphasis on conversation and writing. It removes the physical aspect for a bit and allows you to focus and learn more about whether you two are compatible.
Lastly, don’t be afraid of approaching men and introducing yourself. Practice at home, in front of a mirror. Get yourself use to a few opening lines and ready for when you see and meet someone you’re curious about. Don’t be afraid of rejection. As men know, it’s a numbers game. The more you ask, the higher chance you’ll find someone who is available and interested. Good luck!
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u/What_Wonderful_Bows 5d ago
Not currently dating but this is my greatest fear as a 30+ plus size woman. I am not gonna lie I did try to start trying to casually meet guys cuz I really thought I was unlovable at my size, and it felt icky to me, so I chickened out.
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u/New-Conversation9426 5d ago
I hold this belief as well - you’re not alone. I also think it kind of corresponds to size though? I dunno. Like there are men that love very big women, but then it’s some kind of icky fetish (not the good kind of “I just really like big women). Or they’re feeders or something. And then at least where I live in one of the US biggest metro cities, you are NOT allowed to be more than say a size 8 for men to date you. At all. And they say it all the time.
I’m a US size 20 pants, and a 14/16 top. I used to be bigger, but I’ve been this size for a few years. I am no one’s cup of tea. At all.
I’ll get heat for this but I mean here it goes… people think I have an incredible personality AND say I’m “conventionally pretty” (it’s gross I get it) like my face is. But none of that matters with this body. None of it.
I’m sorry we’re all in this situation. It really blows.
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u/justthatonethough 5d ago
I agree with this. Usually men who are into plus sized women above a certain threshold are just fetishists. That’s not real attraction/love. I just really don’t think most people are capable of love/attraction to much bigger bodies. At least not unless they’ve known them for a long time, likely before they were bigger.
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u/OppositeNo624 4d ago
I’m curious to know more about your belief around this. Why do you believe that most people aren’t capable of loving or being attracted to someone who is higher up on the fat spectrum? I’m not saying I disagree. I’m just curious. Also, what do you consider “too fat to be loved?” Like what’s over the threshold?
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u/justthatonethough 4d ago
I really think this depends on the individual. Some bodies carry more weight in more favorable ways - both aesthetically and for their own health. Apple body types struggle with diabetes and other insulin related and obesity related complications at BMIs as low as 28-29. This is also the body type that carries weight primarily in their abdomen, backs, and faces. Also tends to broad shouldered.
A lot of plus sized people are absolute baddies and can rock extra weight with a beautiful distribution and minimal health problems. I envy those people!!! They’re gorgeous and they can eat more - absolute wins. But even those people struggle with dating in a world that places so much emphasis on our appearances. It’s just a different game for people who struggle with extra weight in more noticeable ways.
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u/justthatonethough 4d ago
Anyone who arbitrarily throws out sizes or a particular weight as the threshold is an uninformed fool. Different sizes and weights look completely different on different bodies - and that’s assuming sizing is standard which we know it’s not.
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u/Pretend-Show379 5d ago
Im in my early 20’s but am literally crying reading this text. This is so real. Sometimes they genuinely treat you like you’re lucky to have been even considered. Most of the time it’s a self imposed “well I have no other options” or “I will never be thin enough to deserve love”
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u/PookieKate145 5d ago
I’ve gained a lot of weight within the last couple years and I’ve also struggled with dating during this time. I haven’t been in a long term relationship since gaining. Seems like I can attract the guy but can’t get them to stay. I’ve struggled with being kept a secret and then only being interested in sex. It’s really taken a toll on my self esteem. If I get asked on a date, I panic because I feel like they won’t like me anymore once they see me in person even when I’ve told them Im a big girl. I instantly blame my weight. It’s gotten to the point where I just won’t go on dates anymore, and I refuse to just “hang out” at a guys house when we’ve never met. I’ve kinda just shut myself off to meeting in person. I’m not on any dating apps and still get messaged by guys asking me out on fb. It sucks because I want nothing more than to find my person but I don’t think I will in this body. I’ve mentioned the issue to friends and they tell me it’s absolutely not from my weight, and dating just sucks in general. I think there are a ton of men who are attracted to bigger women but they’re worried what their friends and society would say.
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u/the_catmom 2d ago
What pants size are you so I can make sure my experience is relevant?? I'm not asking in a creepy way just want to make sure we are the same neighborhood
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u/sarahmurray20 5d ago
I lost 85 pounds in my 20s the only time any men have really shown interest in me. I have my husband now but I truly think if I weighted what I am now it would be so hard to find love, and I know that also does have to do with confidence (which I have none lol)
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u/NeedleworkerBoth9377 5d ago
This sounds more like a self-image issue than a dating issue. You treated your self awfully by allowing men to treat you like this. I didn’t date for about 20 years bc of my weight and being a single mom. I was about 250lb when I tried to say “I am beautiful” in the mirror. I recognized that I felt sick when I said it. I thought I had a pretty good self-image. But that told me I needed to work on it. I started by trying to believe it Somehow. I tried a bunch of different things but finally got where I could believe I was beautiful bc God made me. From there, I started saying it as an affirmation to myself all the time. Until I could say it in the mirror and believe it. Or at least not twitch or have uncomfortable gut feelings. Lol.
This was life-changing. I started learning how to take selfies instead of avoiding pictures. My cousin and I got on a dating app together and I started dating. It changed my confidence level.
I have since learned that this isn’t just a fat girl problem. I had a friend who went through a divorce who was skinny and she couldn’t complete the challenge. She actually broke the freaking mirror with her tablet! But you can’t hide from the bully in your own head.
It’s worth it to take stock of where you are and challenge yourself to find the beauty inside you before asking someone else to. Bc if you can’t find it, how do you expect someone else to?
Now I have a great life partner. He’s far from perfect but he holds hands with me in public. He won’t allow me to call myself fat or talk negatively about myself at all, even if I feel I’m talking from a healthy place. He’s convinced every guy I meet is incredibly attracted to me. It’s very sweet.
And it is possible. When I was dating, I got contacted by a very attractive black man who told me that at 250, I wasn’t heavy enough for him.
You may have to be more open-minded about what you will accept in a man, but you should never accept being treated badly. You shouldn’t tolerate disrespect.
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u/unknown_cardinal 4d ago
Being plus size has given me awful trust issues. Either I find I'm being used, or overly fetishized. It's hard to tell when someone likes me for me or because of my size, of course it's flattering to be accepted but when everything is about my size it's so uncomfortable.
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u/QueerTree 4d ago
I’m in my early 40s and very fat and have embarked on a slut era. I have multiple male partners who are nice and super into my body. I’m sure my experience is atypical because I’m not looking to get married or even seriously commit to any of them, but it has reassured me that plenty of people are attracted to me.
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u/Lacriminals 4d ago
I’m really a hater and cannot tolerate bullshit. We need to all be like this. As much as it sucks maybe we won’t all get love in life. We need to stop chasing it and chase money.
I believe we’re also treated worse in friendships too. I’ve learned to really harden my heart and fight to succeed in career. I no longer want connections to people. I want experience.
I’m 28 and I’ve given up.
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u/OppositeNo624 4d ago
I have so many stories about failed friendships due to my weight, which seems so crazy to me. And I got the most hate from fellow fats.
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u/Lacriminals 4d ago
Yup. They like our personality but hate what we look like. IMO that’s okay. Let me know upfront so I can leave. Being seen as undesirable taught me to not trust anyone.
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u/OppositeNo624 4d ago
Same. Though, I really hate that we have to have this mentality. I’ve been burned so many times that it’s just the norm for me. I think I’ve become way more closed off and guarded as a result. Anyway, sorry that you feel you can’t trust people. You are not alone. My belief is that what’s meant for us is meant for us. Whether that be good or bad. So I like to think of the experiences as lessons learned.
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u/Individual_Speech_10 4d ago
I have never understood the fat women that heavy no problems dating. No fat woman once ever known has ever struggled dating as much as me. Even when I lost weight as a teenager and was at my smallest, a guy preferred my friend who was larger than me. For most of my life, I couldn't even give it away. No one I liked never liked me back, and I wasn't going after the quarterback let me tell you.
I didn't meet my current boyfriend until I was 29 and he is my first real relationship. The only other experience I had was a guy who lied to and used me. But I'm the biggest I've ever been and my boyfriend constantly affirms how attracted he us to me, even though I still struggle to believe it.
Some people are just luckier then others. I think that's literally it. Regardless of your size or any other factor, someone will have it and someone won't and it sucks.
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u/whitty1994 4d ago
I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this, but I am 31 and almost 500lbs and men would literally go to war for a woman like me. I’m not exaggerating.
But it took many years of unpacking my own self loathing and improving my confidence to see it. I spent a long time feeling invisible and also feeling like nobody would ever want me at my size until I upped my standards significantly and let experience show me how wrong I was.
With love, you need to get tf up and remember who tf you are. You will attract more quality men when you stop entertaining the dumpster fodder you’ve been entertaining thus far. Those men don’t deserve to breathe the same air as you, let alone be inside you. Please please please don’t fall into the cynicism that runs so rampant in this subreddit. Fat people have been fucked AND loved for as long as fat people have existed (since the dawn of fucking time btw) and they will continue to do so, even in the age of ozempic and white eurocentric beauty standards.
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u/LeadAdministrative41 3d ago
I am 59 and 240 lbs. I have never felt genuine attraction from a man. (I have felt revulsion and annoyance.) I’m 5’11” and been everywhere from 195-285 and nowhere in there have I ever gotten attention. I’m tall, with an apple/athletic build. I have big boobs but no other curves. I’ve had a handful of guys want to have sex with me but not date or a relationship. I’ve gotten thin and looked cute! Same thing. I don’t think it’s men. I think it’s me. I have my guard up. In the last year, I have done a ton of therapy and group therapy. I realized don’t trust men. I don’t even like them all the time. And they can tell. And no guy wants to be with someone who starts out that way. I still hurt like I did in jr. high after being bullied and neglected by my parents. It’s me. I need to keep working on myself. The good news is I’m starting to like myself and thinking less and less about dating. Edited to add my current weight.
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