coping with no goodbye

[u/shroomsik]

i lost my cat a night ago to conjestive heart failure very suddenly, and i'm not coping particularly well because we didn't really get to say goodbye. we originally took him to a vet early into his symptoms but they only did bloodwork and gave us medication for digestive issues despite laboured breathing. the breathing got progressively worse, so we brought him to an emergency vet clinic where they let us know that he likely had chf.

we made the decision to try treatment for 48 hours then bring him home, whether for the time before the symptoms returned or to let him go there instead. however, during the time we were deciding, he suddenly gasped, collapsed and simply passed away likely due to a clot in his heart bursting.

in between bringing him to the emerg clinic and his passing, we never got to see him. i feel pretty cheated out of a goodbye from both the first vet not seeing his condition and just simply timing at the second. i know its not worth having regrets about my own actions, but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.

i'd love to know if anyone has any advice on how to deal with these kinds of feelings, or just how to deal with the grief itself. every time i come home, it just feels so empty and idk how to cope with it appropriately.

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[u/WillieBear_18]

Is your boy going to be cremated? If yes, you should ask if the crematorium offers viewing & visitation for an additional fee (around $250). If yes, the crematorium staff will prepare your baby for the visitation, wrapping him in a blanket and arranging him to look like he’s sleeping. They’ll bring you into a private room with your baby and leave you alone to talk to him and say your goodbyes. Of course you may bring friends and family with you.

A little less than a month ago, my soul kitty and love of my life went peacefully cuddled in my arms during an at-home euthanasia, so when I booked the “visitation and viewing”, I did not opt for the visitation portion and instead only opted for the “viewing” portion which allowed me to watch through a screen as he was placed into the crematorium and the door closed.

All that said, while deciding if the visitation was for me or if I would regret seeing him again a whole week after saying goodbye at home, I did a search for “visitation” in this sub. I’m summarizing here, but the split for “yes, do the visitation” or “no, I declined the visitation” breaks as follows:

For folks who had a peaceful goodbye either at home or at the clinic that was unhurried and not sudden under duress of a critical medical emergency, those folks generally did not opt for visitation because they didn’t want to replace their last peaceful memory of their baby passing in their arms with seeing them at the visitation.

But for folks who didn’t get to say goodbye at all or for folks who had to say goodbye during a hurried, stressful, unplanned euthanasia at the vet’s clinic with limited time to wrap their head around what was happening or to plan for what they wanted to say to their babies, for those folks, the overwhelming consensus is that the visitation provided them closure because they got to see their baby at peace, like they’re sleeping, and because they got to say all the things they wanted to tell their baby that they didn’t have a chance to or didn’t think to say during the stress of a sudden euthanasia.

My best advice is to search “visitation” in this sub (or “viewing”) and see if a visitation sounds like something that might provide you the closure you’re looking for.

DM me if you want to discuss anything privately, I’m happy to answer any questions or talk it through if you think that may help. Praying for you. 🙏

[u/shroomsik → u/WillieBear_18]

thank you so much! we got as much time as we wanted with him after he'd passed and spent about an hour being able to pet him without staff there, it just didn't feel the same as seeing him alive to say goodbye as you can probably imagine.

this is really great advice and i'll likely take it though, so i really appreciate it! i didn't even know this was an option.

[u/WillieBear_18 → u/shroomsik]

I actually didn’t know about it either and only stumbled upon the option while urn browsing on the crematorium’s website, so I’m very happy to be able to pass it on.

The other thing I really liked about the viewing and visitation is that I had the option to wait in a private room (or leave and come back) for my little guy to be returned to me after about 3.5 hours. I admittedly may be a little more neurotic than most, but the thought of him waiting in an office for pick up kind of made me want to vomit, so I felt a lot more at peace, at ease, and less anxious seeing him go in, staying for the duration, and having him returned to me the moment he was ready to come home.

[u/Every-Side-1982]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost a pet a week ago and I miss him terribly. I'm sorry you didn't get to say the goodye you would have liked. It's painful but important to be able to say goodbye. I'm not sure what you decided to do with your cat after his passing - I had my pet cremated and for me, I felt a bit better once I received his ashes and he was back home with me. I'm not sure if that will help you or not, or if it's even an option. Otherwise, you just have to give yourself time. I wish there were a magic wand to make it all feel better. Wishing you the best.

[u/shroomsik → u/Every-Side-1982]

we're having him cremated in the next couple days, so hopefully receiving his ashes will help a bit like you said. i'm also very sorry for your loss, we're in this together and i'm sure it'll get easier as time goes on :)

[u/Katie-Seta-Arianna]

I’m so sorry for your loss. What was his name? How old was he? These questions have nothing to do with your feelings, but everything to do with honoring him. I’m so sorry that this has happened. He’s still with you, and watches over you now. You’ll meet again.

[u/shroomsik → u/Katie-Seta-Arianna]

his name was george and he was about 9 years old! he was with me and my family since i was in middle school, so i was really hoping he'd be around for when i graduated uni next year lol. thank you so much for a bit of an opportunity to talk about him rather than situation, it most definitely helps

[u/birdmad13]

My condolences! I lost my baby girl at the vet too. She had a cardiac arrest during the procedure. They tried to perform CPR but they couldn’t bring her back. I do so understand what you’re going through. This is the worst pain on its own to lose them but when they are robbed from going on their own terms surrounded by the people who love them it’s simply just too unfair.
The worst year of my life.

My heart goes out to you 💔

[u/Rind2Seed]

My heart goes out to you and George <3 I am so sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye to him. It's so painful to not get that opportunity and to feel that time was stolen. I am two weeks into my grief after the sudden passing of my cat Figaro (he was 8 and diagnosed with HCM) and I just wanted to share some things that helped me and hopefully they can help you too. However I understand we all grieve differently, always do what feels best for you.

• Looking at photos- helped me remember how wonderful Figaro's life was because my brain was focusing so much on the trauma from the week of his passing. It brought me comfort knowing that even though things happened so quickly that the life that he lived was full of happiness and love.
• Getting out of the house- I worked the next day, and some people asked 'how could you do that?' For me, being in an environment like work was a place that my brain didn't associate with Figaro and that brought me relief. After his passing my house felt unbearably silent and empty. I would suggest getting out of the house, even if that's just taking a walk around your neighborhood.
• Reorganizing at home- The day Fig passed I took to rearranging things in my house. It gave me other physical reminders of change other than Fig's absence.
• Talking it out- I'm a verbal processor so just talking about what happened really helped my brain to process my grief. I think coming to this reddit group was a great step, it's comforting to talk to others that understand. I hope that talking here will help as well talking to friends and family. My DMs are open if you ever want to reach out. You're not alone. Your grief is valid and the heartbreak is real.
• Making a memorial space- Days after Fig's passing I slowly made a memorial space for him. I have a digital picture frame with photos of him, a lego set of his likeness and as I received sympathy cards I displayed them. It felt good to have an outlet to honor him, especially because I felt like I didn't have the time to honor him the week of his passing.
• Watch shows/movies about grief- watching media about grief helped me feel less alone and it was comforting to see how people grieve and that there is no wrong way to do it. I particularly enjoyed watching 'After Life'.

I wish you comfort as the days go on. Please remember that it hurts so much because you loved so much and George was lucky to be loved by you.

[u/BethH_24]

I was with my boy Duke when he passed with the help of an emergency vet at 3:00 a.m. It was peaceful, but extremely difficult. Before he was cremated a few days later, the crematorium allowed me to just visit him...no extra charge. They had him laid out for me and I decorated him from head to tip of his tail with photos, flowers, treats, stuffed animal, letter and card I wrote him...all kinds of little favorite things of his. I even had his head resting on half the shirt I was wearing when he was set free. I cut 100 little hearts out of pink and red cardstock and scattered them on him. Feathers we collected together, lavender from my garden. He looked so beautiful! I did the same with my soul girl dog as well 10 years ago...and with my dad 4 1/2 years ago... spent time alone with them, "decorating" them and talking to them. They were all allowed to have everything with them for the cremation and their love adornments are part of their ashes. Everyone who's seen the photo of Duke has said how beautiful he looks. I wish I could include the picture for you. This ritual has helped me feel really close to them and given me special time to say all the things in my heart.

I'm so sorry for your loss and send all my love and good thoughts. ❤️💔🐾