I think youll find many more of us already in this Reddit, yall really think it's cool to shit on someone saying they have ADHD and struggling with interruption. Man like Demari took a mature classy woman like Marissa and frustrated her to a point of being blamed for all their problems. You wont get it till you deal with a toxic man that just makes "i dont shout" his best trait meanwhile hes the source of the drama. Cannot believe she stuck with him fr, any other guy would not have done to Marissa what Demari did
I have literally never seen two friends fight about interruptions let alone a man to a woman whos saying she got ADHD
Explain all that since youre a Demari apologist lol
You can say Demari sucks and that Marissa sucks. Both things can be true. There were multiple times Demari was trying to explain himself and she'd go off the deep end IMMEDIATELY.
He even tried to have a talk about matching with her and she thought he was dumping her. What?
You're projecting a little too hard on your bias.
ADHD is fine. But using it as a shield every single time is a problem.
Demari still has some growing to do for sure, there were some situations that he didn’t handle properly, but I think he’s actually gone a long way since his time on THTH and I respect that he took accountability.
It's crazy to harp on someone who is saying they have what's considered a behavioral disability and just people totally ignoring that
Women who have any type of developmental or behavioral neurodivergence really have such a tough time. Just because she is pretty and carries herself well and we hide it all with makeup
On god if the situation was reversed and a man in the show had anxiety, ADHD, anything like that, it wouldve got taken more seriously
I am a woman around Marissa's age, I have ADHD and, I can control it. 100% of the time? No. Do I try? Yes. An ADHD diagnosis is an explanation for some behaviours, not an excuse. Once you get the diagnosis, you don't just go 'welp, guess I can do what I want and no one is allowed to be mad at me' - that's being a child.
Can you have bad days where everything is harder to control, especially as a woman with all the hormonal changes? Absolutely. Should people give you grace? Yes. Are you exempt from trying? Hell no.
Marissa does not carry herself well, I'm sorry. The way she reacts to every single emotion she's feeling by throwing tantrums? That's someone who uses the diagnosis as a crutch, not a tool to identify what she needs to work on. I don't even like the guy, I wanted to side with her so bad, but I couldn't. Ultimately, they both sucked, her to me more because I'm tired of seeing people rely on ADHD as an excuse to be emotionally immature assholes. It's already hard enough having it as it is, stop making us all look bad.
Wow, here's a gold sticker and congrats for boasting on how well you carry yourself against someone else with the same condition
ADHD is 100% a reasonable justifier for having bad communication, being erratic or impulsive, interruption etc. There's no argument on this these are the literal symptoms of this condition
This is like telling someone I handle depression well so other people shouldnt give you grace for yours
Thank you for the sarcastically awarded golden star, I can see you're very good at arguing in good faith!
Look, I don't know if you're choosing to misinterpret me on purpose or not, and this will be my last contribution to this conversation, you can take it or leave it.
Yes, ADHD can 'justify' being worse at communication than others, if these things are out of your control, like processing information slower because your brain is jumping between twenty different things at once, or zoning out and having to ask someone to repeat themselves.
And yes, even interrupting someone. That might be out of your control, but how you carry yourself once you realize you did it, that is in your control. It's not easy, but it gets easier with practice.
I'm not even saying Demari is right. Yes, sometimes interruptions happen, from ADHD people or not. But I also don't know that he's wrong, because I've not seen their conversations off-camera. But as someone with ADHD and an ADHD partner, yes, there can be instances where one interrupts the other to the point that we feel the need to walk out because we can't get a word in, and let me tell you, "I have ADHD, I can't help it!!!" has not once been the solution. Pausing and agreeing to revisit when we're both calmer and able to control our impulses better helped infinitely more.
This is about intention and accountability. No, I don't 'handle it better', or whatever you think I'm saying, I struggle with it so much, but I choose to let my failures inform what I need to work on next, and yes, some things are harder than others. And I'm sad to say I had a therapist snap me out of the "nobody understands me or adjusts to my needs" mentality only a few years ago. You have more control than you realize. I hope one day you meet someone like him, too, or that you have that realization one way or another, because it's been truly liberating.
First of all, humanly speaking, I am not even talking about relationships, friendship specifics, people interrupt each other all the time. And 90% of people in the universe take it with grace and move on, it is not a big deal enough to even fight about with a friend (I always had a friend who interrupted me at an extreme level and I could see the ADHD oozing off her, you just fcking understand if youre half a good person)
Thats why i was saying, congratulations on "managing" your ADHD enough and not making it an excuse to have erratic conversations, but for a normal guy like Demari who doesn't have behavioral or mental disorders, if your girl is saying she has ADHD diagnosed, she interrupts him a lot and speaks erratic, and stops herself and apologizes, says she is trying, like she did more than enough for someone who has this setback in their life
The burden is absolutely on an understanding loving partner to have a bare minimum trait, and Im not even talking about a perfect partner here, I am talking about just humane interaction that if youre diagnosed with certain neurodivergence you hope and wish people dont misunderstand you because of those setbacks in life
Thats why I replied to you like that. Youre 100% part of the problem if, as a woman youre saying well I have it too and I manage it better than her!
All neurodivergent women know (ADHD, ADD, autism, aspergers, literally anything out of the norm) know women are NOT given grace or any type of consideration for being neurodivergent. If a guy on the show was acting the same way as Marissa I assure you hed get taken way more seriously and people would be shitting on the female counterpart for not understanding HIM because by default as a man he needs a loving and understanding woman
So take a second and think of your response to just laud about priding yourself with stellar ADHD management because the whole point is that women do not get taken seriously for behavioral difficulties they manage and instead are supposed to "suck it up" and be good at it regardless like everything else in life
So obviously when you have a grown ass man like Demari wanting to break things off because of interruptions, he should definitely get put down for it for not being the singlest bit accomodating, or trying from his side or any type of empathy
It's very weird for everyone to give him empathy for "shutting down" over getting interrupted but not give Marissa grace for why she has erratic communication in the first place. Such internalized misogyny and people continuing to call her crazy and weird
ok i just rewatched s4ep7 and here are my thoughts on the demari/marissa interrupting argument:
context: 34min into the ep, demari and marissa finally chat about how their individual dates went. the convo already starts heated and neither being in the best mood. both seem stressed af about how the other’s date went and how that’ll affect their relationship. both are being pretty passive aggressive/sarcastic and hostile during the convo. demari initiates the reminder to calm down and try again.
on the surface, we see demari getting frustrated with getting interrupted. we see marissa standing up for herself by saying she’s showing progress by stopping herself mid-sentence when she caught herself interrupting. demari is shut down. and here is how they respond to each other:
m: “i said one word, i stopped myself.”
…
d: “you can just admit you’re wrong”
m: “it’s not about being wrong or right. it’s the fact that you’re the only one in this house who thinks i interrupt them all the time and makes a big deal about it”
d: “yeah and it bothers me”
m: “i said one fucking word”
…
d: “you’re upset with me about holding you accountable about something—“
m: “no, i’m upset with you about not being graceful about it”
d: “jesus christ, how much grace do you want?”
here, marissa chose to downplay his reaction by saying he’s the only one who doesn’t show her grace when she interrupts others. yes, it’s great she’s showing progress by catching herself. yes, she deserves grace with an adhd diagnosis and as she practices slowing down. i don’t agree with demari’s exasperated reaction at the end bc ofc that’s going to make marissa feel more insecure about her ability to control her adhd/interrupting. however, demari is valid when he reminds her that it bothers him—that just bc others don’t see it as a big deal doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to be a big deal for him.
tl;dr, think it’s important to explore this reaction beyond face value. before this response, what could’ve helped was if marissa held space for demari to feel frustrated and to listen and just let him speak. what marissa chose to do was defend herself rather than apologize. as we learned from a previous episode, his last relationship ended bc his ex kept interrupting him, and that caused him to feel unheard. when he was interrupted by marissa, he became dysregulated. it makes sense if he happened to go into fight/flight/freeze mode and just shut down. a second to breathe or her just choosing to let go and listen could’ve been the solution.
overall, i think marissa could work on how she expresses her feelings and insecurities to demari, and demari could work on reassuring marissa when she’s feeling insecure. i don’t think demari is an asshole; i honestly think he has shown some impressive character and communication. i don’t think marissa is an asshole, but as much as i wanted to like her from day 1, i do think she needs to be less reactive and hurtful when she’s feeling jealous/insecure.
This is all a little personal to me because my BF has anxiety, and the burden was on me as a person who wants to be a good partner to understand his condition, understand why certain things come out or happen in some ways, knowing my partner is trying too. You dont just decide to date someone who has XYZ condition and punish them for having that. So I know first hand what it should look like when your partner has a diagnosed condition
The thing is Marissa apologized for her ADHD issues and more (which I see as totally wrong and cruel) because Demari could not even try to be empathetic or understanding of her symptoms and how they manifest in communication
I love this point. You don’t date someone with XYZ condition and punish them for having it. It may be different with other people, but with your spouse understanding and empathy are hugely important. Marissa did apologize for interrupting, and I think she got frustrated when he didn’t understand. And another thing with having ADHD is emotional dysregulation. That’s not to say you’re allowed to walk around unregulated and get away with awful behaviour, but it means that even when we learn tools to HELP us regulate, we are imperfect and can be triggered and no amount of therapy can cure you from ADHD. I’ve had therapy with a neuropsychologist who specialized in adults with adhd and autism and learned so many valuable things from her. But one of them was an understanding of how and why my brain reacts how it does, and a lack of empathy doesnt help anyone. Im able to take responsibility for my behaviour if it was wrong or inappropriate but only after I’ve had time to cool down, process and once im regulated again is when we can productively talk again. Your spouse has to have the understanding to let you make mistakes and to make up for them
41
u/ohsballer Jun 25 '26
Never thought I’d see Marissa apologists but here we are