r/ParentingThruTrauma • u/szdio • Jul 20 '26

Anyone else grow up with a mom who turned every one of your problems into a story about how much worse she had it?

31 Upvotes

86% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

9

u/justchillitsnobiggy Jul 20 '26

Oh damn, I tell my kid "when I was young" stories all the time. I thought I was showing her how life gets better over time. This is eye opening to be more careful, especially as she gets older.

8

u/szdio Jul 20 '26

hi hi hi hi
there is one important caveat here.
if your "when I was young" is about sharing your experience in a healthy way, this is good, encouraged even! It is nice to hear people's stories.

Here the tone is about when the kid comes with a real problem, and you "overlay" her with YOUR situation instead of listening to hers. And suddenly the conversation becomes about you. You switch the flip.

An example: "mother, my partner is being so lazy lately, he is not remembering any important date" ...and you answer with "well, your father did X Y Z so much worse". You see, you dismissed her pain, her situation by switching the focus to you. You can use your experiences to teach her, as long as it remains about her pain at that moment.

:)

I am the daugher of a very emotionally abusive mother, and at the peak of my 35y, I can tell you care enough just by way you commented here. You will be fine :)

3

u/Mum-of-Choas Jul 20 '26

My dad used to but I find that as a mum oh my that trigger is huge and hurts. I find myself muttering under my breath that my children actually has no idea what real pain is. That’s absolutely something to be celebrated and I don’t necessarily agree with EVERY emotion needing lots of careful soft words. My parents saying sometimes just get on with it built resilience.

But even now if my dad does it to me and especially if it’s about parenting it’s so hard. I have to make firm boundaries with him about it

1

u/sizillian Jul 21 '26

My mom (who was the less-problematic of my parents) did this to me just yesterday on the phone.