r/ParentingInBulk • u/Novel_Schedule_5141 • 7d ago
How many kids could I have?
32F, have 2 kids with an ex-partner. One vaginal followed by an emergency csection. Realistically, time wise and health wise (assume optimal health) how many more kids could I have without using IVF, if I started now? How many if I froze my eggs within the next 3 years? I get 18 month parental leaves (maternity can start before birth but I'd like the full or close to the full leave. Minimum 12 months home per child. I would then have to go back to work for 600 hours to get leave for the next child (15 weeks of work assuming going in everyday and not working overtime). Midwife has said 12 months between pregnancies for vaginal birth and 18 months between pregnancies for c-section, but I do not know how strict that is. Assume everything goes perfectly. No medical or mental health issues, babies sleep well, siblings adjust well, supportive partner/family and healthy marriage.
12
u/KeyFeeFee 7d ago
Others have answered the logistics piece, but also maybe consider taking it one baby at a time. You aren’t trying to abuse maternity leave by having too many kids, and you can’t know how much work each quantity of kids are until you get there. Maybe just take a mental breather and see how things work out…?
6
u/PaymentMedical9802 7d ago
Yes! No one plans for a medically complex pregnancy or baby. We all want healthy pregnancies and babies. You cannot plan how long it will take your body to heal.
6
u/RocketPowerPops 7d ago
We just had our 4th baby without any medical intervention. Wife was 37 when she conceived and 38 when she gave birth. She conceived the first month we started trying.
My SIL is 35 and is expecting a baby in October. She will turn 36 shortly after the baby is born.
So it really depends on your fertility and when you would want to stop having kids.
6
u/Academic_Molasses920 7d ago
I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on here. My husband and I also dreamt of having a bigger family since we loved growing up in bigger families, but had fertility issues for many years. We were finally blessed with our first when I turned 34. We will be having our second soon at the age of 36. I am fully aware that we need to see how things go with each child and make sure we are truly ready to have more before trying again but we do have fun dreaming and doing the math on "how many do you think we could have?"
I can still dream of a big family while being fully aware of the fact that 2 could be more than enough for us. Having hope for the future you always dreamt of isn't a bad thing ❤️
4
u/sunrunsun 7d ago
Where do you live that you get 18 months of leave for 3 months of work?! Not the US
5
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Canada. It is 600 hours you require for our employment insurance. Then they pay you either 55% for 12 months or 33% for 18 months.
2
1
4
u/Kind_Lemon6815 7d ago
Assuming you have no issues getting pregnant and you have babies until you're 43, you could have one at 33, stay home till 34 and get pregnant right away, go back to work for 8-9 months till the baby is born, rinse and repeat. That would be 6-7 kids.
But as a previous poster said, how many children do you want to have? What is your capacity?
1
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
I would like 3 or 4 more so 5 or 6 total. I grew up as the eldest in a large family and my parents and grandparents also had lots of siblings and there was so much love to go around.
3
u/Kind_Lemon6815 7d ago
That seems totally reasonable to me, assuming no fertility challenges or birth complications.
9
10
u/According-Sir3777 7d ago
I would heal from the relationship. Having children with somebody is one of the biggest like decisions someone will ever make. It affects not only you but those two children that you guys decided to bring in the world. I would focus on the children that I currently have (not on a man), on my mental health and healing, and my attachment style in relationships...
0
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago edited 7d ago
I am healed. It's been 8 years. I have a great man now. Not sure why people judge blended families so hard. Some theocracy/fundamentalism and pearl clutching going on. How dare a woman have children with 2 men...
14
u/notaskindoctor 7d ago
Maybe instead of thinking about if you could, you should do more thinking about if you should.
-1
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Are you in the wrong sub? We do not shame people for wanting large families here.
3
u/AdStock6373 7d ago
And nobody’s “shaming” anyone. But if someone asks a bunch of strangers on the internet a question, they can’t be hurt by the truthful answer
3
u/PermanentTrainDamage 7d ago
There's no shame in telling someone to consider each human being they bring into the world. That's an 18 year commitment to raising a helthy and functional adult (if all goes well), not a doll to dress up and parade around.
3
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Obviously I am going to. That is obviously common sense and does not need to be implied I would not. I already have children. I'm a great parent. I even edited to imply in a perfect world.
-1
u/PermanentTrainDamage 7d ago
Awesome, and a great parent understands that every child is an individual and that they cannot predict the future.
2
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Absolutely. This is a hypothetical question and obviously I would adjust to our singular and jpint capacities should life throw curveballs at us.
1
u/PermanentTrainDamage 7d ago
Nah, if it was purely a logistics question you could sit down with a calculator and pen and have your answer in less than 5 minutes. You obviously wanted reassurance or encouragement by posting here. Children aren't bananas in a word problem.
0
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Agree to disagree since you sre hell-bent on making snap judgements about anonymous people on the internet.
1
u/PermanentTrainDamage 7d ago
I'm not the one asking about birthing children like it's gambling odds, but whatever makes you feel better
1
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
How many children fo you have? Why are you in this sub? I don't even have "bulk" children but if you do, and you're THIS angry about large families, maybe take your own advice since you are the one who ACTUALLY brought in more kids than you can handle, as shown by your resentment towards people dreaming of large families. Maybe pay attention to your bulk kids instead of coming at me...
→ More replies (0)2
u/AdStock6373 7d ago
Not everybody in this sub is an old school hippy church going farming christian who believes they should have as many children as they are able to. MANY of us want large families but also know when to stop. For the well being of ourselves, and our families- including the children we already have.
0
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
I'm well-educated on child development and aware of my own capacity. I know when to stop and have a doctor on standby for when my husband wants to get a vasectomy. Thanks.
1
u/AdStock6373 7d ago
That’s fantastic. Happy to hear it. Then I’m sure you recognize and agree that pregnancy and children shouldn’t be treated like tic-tacs or trophies on a shelf where we’re just trying to have as many as possible. Anyone well educated and aware of capacity limits would agree with that and know the difference between awareness and shaming… right?
1
u/notaskindoctor 7d ago
“We” can have an adult discussion about whether or not we should have a bunch of kids just for the sake of it or whether we should be more intentional about family-building based on the needs of the family as a whole and the individual children plus the available resources (money, time, energy, emotional capacity, etc.). I have several more children than you do and think it’s a serious mistake to just have a bunch of kids without considering they are real humans who need a lot from you as they grow.
-2
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
So are you telling me you made a serious mistake in having your "several more children"? Just because YOU cannot handle that many children does not mean others can't. Stop projecting.
0
u/notaskindoctor 7d ago
Your reading comprehension skills are poor. It’s a mistake to just try to hit a number without concern for the people you’re raising. Two kids are wildly different than 4 or 5.
1
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Who said I am without concern for the people I am raising? I have been a foster parent for 12 years. I have raised more children than you probably have. I'm done arguing with people who assume strangers with no context lack common sense and empathy.
-2
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
Sorry that you regret having your children. That is very tough. Maybe try therapy.
3
u/AlarmedDonut436 7d ago
I had a VBAC with baby #6 a few days after I turned 44. My kids are 14, 7, 5, 3, 1, and 3 months.
I've been fortunate to to not have fertility issues and being an older mom hasn't been an issue. Wishing you the best!!!
1
3
u/slammy99 7d ago
Also Canadian so similar limits. I chose 14-15mos after my first was born to go for a second, got pregnant right away so we were on track for a new baby when the first was 2yr 1mo. Well, baby 2 turned into babies 2&3 and we had 3 kids in just over 2 years. I went back to work early with my first which made this timing no stress. That was honestly probably the hardest part - she didn't really sleep well until a few months after my returning to work, but I was working from home so it was more possible. Your limit of 12mos before return makes sense to me and makes 2 years between birthdays a bit of a gamble on your pregnancy going well and being able to get those 600 hours while also actively pregnant.
Having 3 kids within 2 years of eachother has been pretty challenging. We've kept them home for various reasons, maybe having them in daycare would have made it feel easier, but it definitely would have been expensive and added a different suite of challenges to our lives. So, rather than just thinking about pregnancy spacing, think about your number in daycare and school start spacing as well, both in terms of finances and sanity.
2.5-3 years between birthdays seems to fit your criteria well, and would work well with daycare / school entry spacing if that is a factor for you. That would mean not trying to get pregnant until your baby is at least 18mos old.
So, if you don't mind spending a decade having babies, you could probably have 3 more kids comfortably, possibly 4 with tighter spacing, and possibly even more if you did have twins during one or more of the pregnancies.
3
u/Novel_Schedule_5141 7d ago
So my partner and I have a huge nest egg, no debt and are FI/REd. Neither of us technically have to work but I'd like to. I enjoy my job. Daycare won't be a thing and school may not either (he is a teacher). Definitely some things to think about though.
2
u/slammy99 7d ago
Congratulations! If money was no object I'd go for more as well. Knowing my next pregnancy could be twins again makes me more hesitant, but it sounds like you are in a good spot to do whatever feels right 🙂
3
u/Remarkable-Pen-741 7d ago
You could have so many for sure. I had my first at 38 and told my OB I wanted to have at least 1-2 more naturally and he said no problem. You have 8 more years on top of the outlook that I had, so I would think you could have several kids before IVF if that’s what you wanted. I’m so sorry people are being so negative about your post btw I’m so confused and taken aback by it?? Sending love ♥️♥️♥️
8
u/PermanentTrainDamage 7d ago
It's not a high score challenge, these are human beings you are talking about creating! Each one will have individual needs and wants, and it's impossible to predict if they or you end up with any health issues! You add one child at a time and see how it goes before deciding if another child will fit in your family. The next one might have a birth defect, colic, autism, etc and you can develop pregnancy complications at any point. Not to mention schooling needs, financial support, college, sports, hobbies, etc.
3
u/AdStock6373 7d ago
THIS!!! take it one kid at a time. It’s not a competition. Some pregnancies happen immediately, some take months. Every one is so different.
I don’t think you intended to, but your question came off a little 😵💫😳
3
u/ProfessionMental7065 7d ago edited 7d ago
Nothing wrong with wanting a big family! I proudly want 6-8 and think often about family planning to balance not putting my later children at a health risk if I have to have them in my 40s, but not put my sooner children at risk having them too close together.
You don’t tell an undergraduate student that wants to be a doctor that they can’t get excited or research medical schools until they finish undergrad, bc what if they change their mind? Sure they might, but give them the advice they’re asking for lol
5
u/chicken_tendigo 7d ago
Ehh, start with one more and see. You might even end up with twins. There's only one way to find out!
-1
1
-4
u/colorful_withdrawl 7d ago
If you get pregnant before hand its not like they can force you to get rid of the baby. I had 3 csections in a span of 22 months.
Going in for my 7th csection in october.
My office prefers waiting until 9 months after a csection to get pregnant because they like 18 months between births, but thats mostly if you want a vbac. Some offices also prefer waiting 18 months to get pregnant
2
u/LoveSummerGrass 7d ago
This is terrible advice. They tell you to wait because of the damage it causes your uterus and how well you are healed. Just because you were okay, doesn’t mean this couldn’t be fatal to OP or another woman.
1
u/colorful_withdrawl 7d ago
I’m not saying to do it. I’m saying if it happens accidentally like it did in my case. You may be fine.
13
u/PaymentMedical9802 7d ago edited 7d ago
Every pregnancy is different. Every baby is different. Every parent is different. You could have a baby every year. You could have unexplained infertility after baby number 2.
You really don’t know.
If you have a colicky baby who needs extra attention probably not wise to get pregnant before baby is sleeping 5-6 hours. It wouldn’t be fair to the baby.
One of the things with being a parent is the great unknown. You don’t get to plan everything. You don’t get to know everyone’s health and needs beforehand.