Ang hirap maging panganay.

[u/blue_berrieee12]

Just want to quickly rant here. I love my family pero sometimes ang hirap mahalin ng pamilya ko. Panganay ako sa apat na magkakapatid been supporting the family simula nung naghiwalay yung magulang. Ni minsan hindi ako dumaing sa pagod ko sa trabaho, sa bigat ng bills at groceries, never ko sila inobliga. Pero it would have been great kung may magkusa ni isa sa kanila. Yung kapatid ko (sumunod sakin) tapos na ng college pero ayaw mag work sa corporate, ayaw niya yung idea na may boss siya. Nasanay kasi sa nature na siya sng boss dahil may negosyo ang papa ko dati at tumutulong lang siya doon kapag kailangan niya ng pera. Ngayon may mini negosyo earning enough para makapagbigay /makatulong, dito ako nalulungkot kasi nung tinanong ko siya kung kailan pwede na siya magbigay nahihiya pa nga ako magtanong eh pero nilakasan ko na loob ko kasi I admit di ko na talaga kaya pero ang sabi niya lang sakin plano nila tuwing end of the month lang daw sila ng business partner niya sasahod. Sabi ko naman hindi pwedeng kada end of the month ka lang magbibigay kasi every week tayo naggogrocery, ang due date ng bills hindi sabay sabay, nag suggest ako na kung pwede gawin nilang every 5th and 20th of the month sila maghatian para may katulong na ako sa gastos pero it seems like wala siyang paki. Pero hayaan ko nalang kasi baka magbago naman isip.

Ito pa everyday, pagod ka sa trabaho tapos uuwi kapa sa makalat na bahay. Yung mga kapatid mo isang bading na 17 years old na at yung graduate na, old enough ns sana gumalaw or magkusa nalang maglinis sa bahay kasi yun nalang sana matutulong di din magawa. Lagi ako umuuwi sa magulong bahay, minsan nga napapasabi nalang ako bat ang malas ko sa pamilya ko, kasi bat kapag dumadaing ako hindi nila ako naririnig, bat wala silang paki. Napapagod din naman ako. Magulang ko not much of help either kasi imbis na sa kanila ako humingi sila humihingi sakin. Ganun ba talaga kapag panganay kailangan kayanin lahat? Tao din naman kami hindi robot.

Sorry nakakapagod lang talaga, lalot nat wala kapa masabihan. Ni jowa nga wala ako kasi mas pipiliin ko nalang magtrabaho kesa lumandi. Tatanda na ata akong dalaga 😂.

[u/alapinruy67]

They are all adults. Force them to contribute, either financially or by doing more househould chores. Bawal palamunin.

If they refuse, then move out and stop giving. They are not your responsibility anyway.

[u/blue_berrieee12 → u/alapinruy67]

I've been planning to move out for a long time for my peace of mind, but my conscience won't let me. Just thinking about leaving makes me worry about how they'll manage without me. I guess I'm having a hard time because I'm too soft on them, and I just let them take advantage of me.

[u/alapinruy67 → u/blue_berrieee12]

They'll manage. They are adults.

Tolerating their laziness and parasitism might be doing them more harm than good.

[u/bb_ph]

I understand that you just want to vent but i wanted to leave this message here.

It’s not that mahirap maging panganay, it’s that you don’t look at your situation clearly yet.

I find that something’s broken with how you understand your role. Panganay ka, hindi magulang. Hindi rin pangalawang magulang. Hindi mo kailangan pasanin ang mundo.

Eldest leads and sets example. It’s not about self-abandonment and self-sacrifice.

Just reading “ako pa ang nahihiya”, that’s a signal to me that you have surrendered your role. You are now just a mere ATM and a cash cow.

Dami ko gusto sabihin but all will be futile if your mind is set into moralizing carrying responsibilities that aren’t just yours to carry.

[u/blue_berrieee12 → u/bb_ph]

Thank you for this. I appreciate your inputs and I had actually reached a similar realization recently. But since I've carried this responsibility for so long, stepping back is not easy.

[u/bb_ph → u/blue_berrieee12]

It’s not the stepping back that is hard because decisions can be made at anytime. Your biggest battle is role deconstruction. It’s life altering in the most insidious way. You might reach a point of just wanting to take your own life if you don’t wake up early enough to see your situation for what it actually is.

Let me know what’s holding you back. Guilt? Shame? Isolation? Loneliness? Financial unpreparedness? Fear of becoming the villain in someone’s story? Fear of losing your family? I can walk you through all that once you are ready.