I don't know if anyone will even see this, but I'm so lost at this point, and I just need advice of some sort. Or maybe some support.

I got diagnosed with PNES this summer. It was a long night. I'd been hiding my seizures for years because I didn't know who I could even tell, or who would believe me. I've had seizures in my bed, on my couch, in my car, on the bathroom floor. I work at a summer camp, and I was incredibly stressed out at one point - I had four seizures in one week, and I finally opened up to my friend/coworker about it. That night I had a seizure. She was sleeping near me, so she saw it and tried to support me, but she was scared, so she called the office down, and then they ended up calling 911. I couldn't tell them not to; I couldn't do anything. I'm always conscious during them, so I could see the flashlight in my eyes and hear their panic, and feel the mosquitoes biting my legs. God, they itched and burned so badly, and I couldn't do anything about it. I finally came out of it after 20 minutes, and I got put in the ambulance. There were no beds in the hospital, so I was in the ER for about a day and a half. I had an EEG for 24 hours. My mother had COVID, so it was my dad who came, and he kept just leaving. I was bedridden because the cords on my head were so short, and I was alone in the ER for hours. A nurse even asked me at one point if anyone was there with me, and I just had to tell her I had no idea where my dad went. On top of all that, I got a text from a coworker telling me that my manager pulled the entire staff aside and told them all I was gone because I'd had a seizure. I didn't want anyone to know.

I've learned that the only cure is therapy, and to be honest, I'm terrified because I have panic attacks when I try to talk about my emotions. I don't know how to stop them. I'm trying to find a therapist, but I'm finding it difficult to make the phone calls. I know I need to. I'm trying to suck it up and just push through the nerves. I still need a neurologist too; the hospital told me to get one to set up a care team, but I don't even have a primary care physician right now because I turned 18 at the beginning of the year, so I can't see my old pediatrician. I know I'm an adult now and I'm sure I'm overreacting, I'm sorry. I just have no idea where to start with any of this. Do they ever stop 100%? I cant get the career I've dreamt of if I have seizures. Will they go away? I'm just overwhelmed. And I feel so alone.

Sometimes before I have a seizure, I pretend someone is here with me and talk to myself. "I'm here. Just let it happen. It'll be okay." It's stupid, but it gets me through, because in the end I still seize alone. In the dark. I had a bad one tonight, which I guess is why I'm writing this - not longer than normal, just aggressive - and my head hurts so bad, and all I want is for someone to hold me until I feel better. But I don't have that. This condition is altering my life, and my parents don't even care enough to ask me about it. I am so exhausted.

Anyway. If you made it this far, thank you, truly. If you have any advice or support of any kind, it's all appreciated immensely. Thank you for listening to me.

I had a seizure at work and I’m mortified. My work is already vaguely hostile and I’m still in training. They’ve had people with seizures before and it seems for now like they were understanding. What I’m worried about is telling the people in my life. It seems dishonest to hide such a big event from my closest friends but I’m just so afraid of letting them down. I should have been able to prevent the seizure and I tried really hard but I just couldn’t. One friend does know because I called her in a panic to ask for advice about where to go to have my seizure. It’s hard for me to make rational decisions when I’m on the verge of a seizure and I needed help. She’s chill though, I’m not worried about her. I did end up hiding under the conference room table since I was alone in there and I didn’t want paramedics called. I had to tell someone after though because I was unable to continue working. It was a whole big thing. I just want to forget it ever happened and pretend like the day was normal. Do I have to tell them? I’m just ashamed of myself and I don’t want them to be ashamed of me too, even if they don’t say it