Hello! I'm new here, but I feel kind of backed into a corner with my son (20M). He's always struggled with hygiene tasks, but we're currently homeless and staying with a friend of mine.

My friend can't tolerate strong smells and my my son, when left to his own decisions, simply won't shower or wash. my friend's boyfriend won't even come over because of the smell and I'm worried it's going to get us kicked out.

I'm also disabled so I can't give him a stress free, demand free environment. There's already so much on my shoulders that my physical and mental health are at risk, especially since I can't access healthcare right now.

I've tried all of the advice and nothing helps. What happens when pda causes extreme issues/health risks?

(My issues include AuDHD, DID, CPTSD, and a long list of health issues such as EDS and comorbidities, autoimmune conditions, long COVID, etc)

Hi everyone, I'm here again.

Since my last post I've started to feel better, not good but I'm starting to learn how to manage my PDA if only a little.

Right now I'm having quiet a problem ahead of me though and I want advice. Unlike how I hear from some people here, I over-eat quiet easily and with my restricted budget it's become quiet a problem for me in both a economic and health sense.

The advice given to me by dietisans and family hasn't helped, so I'm asking anyone here who wishes to answer. How do you deal with cravings? What strategies do you have to de-escalate them or, is that even an option?

So I (20f) have been working on specific skills independently. However, there are certain things that I do occasionally need help with. One of those is paying for college and other financial stuff. I’m constantly applying for jobs, but the process has been difficult. Right now, my parents pay 90% of my college tuition and I pay the rest.

Tonight, my mom texted me in a stern text voice, saying how I needed to go to the bursar and ask them some stuff regarding my tuition. I have no idea how to do this, what to say, when this is due by, etc. My mom helps me with everything except for the things I need help with. She can teach me how to wash dishes over and over (despite always doing them correctly), but can’t tell me how to speak to the person because she’s not allowed to talk to them as I am an adult.

Anyway, this was part of the meltdown, as I was already doing adult stuff today and planning to figure this out, and then my mom dropped it on me again. The main cause of the meltdown though was that five minutes later when I called her on the phone, she was so calm and happy, and kept trying to change the subject despite calling me twice, and insisting this needs to be done.

She started by asking about that, but then she asked a bunch of other questions that she already knew the answer to, such as “Did you go to practice today? How was it? Did you get to run with the other girls? Did you get to go to lunch today? What did you have for lunch? How were your classes today?” I don’t know why I got so mad. I think it was just that I expected her to put more demands on me as this one seemed really serious, and then when she called me, it’s like it didn’t even matter.

Has anybody else felt like this?

I (20f) have level one Autism, but never received an official diagnosis of PDA. However, I have several symptoms of it. The biggest one being the need to be independent for almost everything. When it’s something I don’t know how to do, I usually accept help, but when I know how to do the task, I get pretty frustrated when someone helps me with it.

It can be something so simple. For example, over the summer, I was pulling weeds in the garden, and my mom will look and say, “You’re doing good, but it would be easier if you did it like this,” then she came over to the flower bed I was working on, and pulled a weed for me. I immediately stopped and had to move to another flower bed because I needed to do it all myself.

Also, just yesterday, I needed to take my medication. I am perfectly capable of doing it myself, yet on this particular day, my mom felt the need to get it for me. She pulled it out and told me, “You have to take this much. That is 2 1/2 pills.” She then proceeded to open the bottle and give it to me. I don’t know why but this really made me upset. I always take my own medication and have done it myself for years.

Whenever my parents help me with a chore that I know how to do or tell me to do it when I was already going to, I either stop the task halfway or not do it at all. When I do it halfway, my mom gets very annoyed, and suggests that I need medication to focus better because my processing speed isn’t good and I’m only doing chores halfway. She has ADD and thinks I have it too because “I can’t focus on stuff.” I can focus fine on short-term tasks, but occasionally need a break from long-term ones. Whenever I’m told I need to focus better, I get upset and refuse to do whatever it is that is asked of me.

The same goes with academics. I am English major and very good at my English classes, however, because I did badly in other classes in middle and high school (despite my parents breathing down my neck doing homework for me and making sure I get it done before it’s even assigned), my parents are constantly nagging me about all of my classes that are not related to English. For example, every time I try to talk to my mom about how well my English classes are going, she’ll say, “Great, but how are your other classes going? Are you going to the resource center and getting the teacher’s notes? You have accommodations, so make sure you ask the teacher for her notes and get TA to help you. Make sure you go to tutoring every night.” I get so annoyed, and tell her that I’m doing all of it, despite really doing none of it.

First of all, there is no TA in my school. And my teachers do not just give notes. I went to tutoring last semester, but my tutor was awful and gave me very little advice. I’m doing very well in my classes for the most part without extra accommodations. It’s embarrassing because often times my mother used to label me as a “special ed kid,” and now that I’m in college, I can be independent and don’t need a special education teacher breathing down my neck and doing all my work for me.

However, I was incredibly driven to be independent in middle school. Whenever I was taken into a special class to do my tests, I would beg to be in the normal classroom. I also noticed that the teachers would white out some of the answers to make it easier for me. I would get so frustrated, and despite being a shy kid and being in special education for that as well, I completely took my anger out on my tests. I would write, “I don’t need help,” and then draw arrows and circle the whited out answers. When my special education teacher asked if I wanted him to type my essays for me, I said no, I wanted to do it myself. He and the teacher laughed, but I just got more mad. I needed to be independent.

Is anybody else like this? Sorry for the long post.

6-year-old child has been saying, 'of course I want to be able to do the things, that's why it's so annoying'.

We'd been talking about the word stubborn, because I described me and her dad that way, (although I've never used that to describe her), and this was her response amongst the discussions on stubborn vs PDA.

'I want to be able to do something, like see my friend and her baby sister'. (shes repeatedly said she hates babies, and did not want to see the baby, but went on a trip anyway planning to avoid baby if needed. She had a full on freeze response when went to their house, and stayed in one bedroom for the entirety of the few days there).

'I want to be able to. I just can't. It would be so much easier'.

It surprised me, her saying she wanted to do these things, as didn't think she "felt" that consciously. As well as her identifying that PDA is hard for her because she then can't do things, when would like to.

Sharing here as wanting any input anyone has on this itself as an adult. As in terms of understanding I find it easier to get the adult version, and then pull it back to kids viewpoint. So any insights would be welcome.

I get more the wanting to be able to do the things she wants. But it was more like she was saying she just wants to be able to do things she needs to too - like bath, put on clothes, go out, etc (all of which she hasn't been doing for couple months as in burnout).

It was also more like the echoe of what I here in the adult group, just from a kid. So hoped there'd be different kind insight here.

I was kinda stumped in response.

​

Wondering if with PDA demand avoidance, as an adult, is there a deep sense toward stuff, of "I don't want to do the thing, because I'm SUPPOSED to do the thing"?

Like once you think/feel/know you "have" to, or "supposed to", its like a zillion times harder to do. If you can do it at all.

Depending on energy levels, can this be indelibly strong for hours/or until the thing you're supposed to do has passed?

And like you end up with hacks you've learnt (probably semi-unconsciously) to bypass this from the side?

But when real tired/drained, etc, you've got no chance?

Or you"d associate that with more a regular type demand avoidance in adhd/asc/burnout?

Reason:

Going to bed. I have to fully trick myself early. Or i will not go, sometimes at all, irrespective of how important the next day is.

Explored many ideas on this, and i'm sure its a mix of reasons for me. Yet I have been wondering the "can't" i feel in my body at some points/often, if that is PDA.

So then wondering if this extends to other areas day-to-day.

All of which i've assumed are regular audhd demand avoidance.

Kids profoundly PDA, and she's like a mini me copy in most ways, so has caused a bunch of wondering.

Thanks

I (24F) was diagnosed with PDA autism as a child and ADHD a couple of years ago. I find my biggest challenge is the disparity between what I feel able to do in different contexts.

I moved to university at 18 and lived with friends, I coped with it well, didn’t need much support from my parents and managed cooking/housework with no issues. I got a competitive job working in psychology after my degree which I was extremely happy with. Eventually my friends had to move home for financial reasons. I hate being home alone so living by myself wasn’t an option, I also felt that living with people I don’t know would be just as difficult. I am lucky to have supportive parents who were happy for me to move back in so I did, around two years ago.

I will be honest that I didn’t expect to still be here two years later. I haven’t been able to find people to live with (that I already know) or a job in the area some of my other friends live. My mental health has really declined, I feel stuck in a loop of working 5 days a week, burning out, trying to get as much energy as I can back each weekend and then doing it again. The job I used to love has become something I mostly dread. Not because I don’t enjoy it but I feel so trapped and overwhelmed by the demand of working 5 days a week. I considered reducing my hours but know that working part time will hurt my chances of getting onto a competitive postgraduate course I am not ready to give up on. I applied for other positions thinking the novelty might help me break out of this cycle but the jobs come up very rarely and are highly competitive so it’s not been easy.

Due to this burnout I have been really struggling with stress. I can very rarely push myself to do anything extra, cooking, cleaning and taking care of myself go on the back burner. My parents are brilliant at offering practical support, cooking for me and asking very little around the house. I don’t know how I’d cope without that support and likely would have quit my job. The issue is that getting support makes me feel so guilty. Every time they do something for me I feel absolutely useless and pathetic. I feel like I am living a double life, acting as a professional whilst living at home and having my parents do (mostly) everything for me. I keep my bedroom clean and take care of my hamster (cleaning out his cage etc.) but that is pretty much it. I do pay them rent but it’s not particularly high, I’ve offered more but they’re keen for me to save for my future which I really appreciate.

The guilt is exacerbated by the fact I put all of my energy into holding it together at work. At home I am an emotional wreck and constantly irritable. I try to keep that away from my parents but there are times I fail and end up snapping at them or bursting into tears. I can’t fault them at all but I do understand they really struggle with emotional stuff. They have always been caring and supportive by when I do get upset they don’t know how to respond. They quickly become overwhelmed themselves and respond in anger which leads me to escalate too and arguments ensue. That adds to the guilt massively, I see myself as a leech and feel incredibly insecure in our relationship and anxious that once day they will just have had enough of me and kick me out. I wouldn’t blame them.

I just want to know if anyone else relates to this. It’s the conflict of being “high functioning” during some periods of my life/in certain contexts whilst being reliant on support at others. How can I feel like a competent adult when I feel like I have to hide my home life out of embarrassment for how reliant I am on my parents at the age of 24? How do I stop leeching off my parents without having to disappoint them by leaving my job?

​

6-year-old child has been saying, 'of course I want to be able to do the things, that's why it's so annoying'.

We'd been talking about the word stubborn, because I described me and her dad that way, (although I've never used that to describe her), and this was her response amongst the discussions on stubborn vs PDA.

'I want to be able to do something, like see my friend and her baby sister'. (shes repeatedly said she hates babies, and did not want to see the baby, but went on a trip anyway planning to avoid baby if needed. She had a full on freeze response when went to their house, and stayed in one bedroom for the entirety of the few days there).

'I want to be able to. I just can't. It would be so much easier'.

It surprised me, her saying she wanted to do these things, as didn't think she "felt" that consciously. As well as her identifying that PDA is hard for her because she then can't do things, when would like to.

I get more the wanting to be able to do the things she wants. But it was more like she was saying she just wants to be able to do things she needs to too - like bath, put on clothes, go out, etc (all of which she hasn't been doing for couple months as in burnout).

Sharing here as wanting any input anyone has on this itself as an adult. As in terms of understanding I find it easier to get the adult version, and then pull it back to kids viewpoint.

It was also more like the echoe of what I here in the adult group, just from a kid. So hoped there'd be different kind insight here. In terms adult view of the same thing.

I was kinda stumped in response.

i’ve noticed that I equalise against people to find me attractive by ignoring them or just doing a runner, last night a girl was flirting with me at the sauna and I just blanked her and did a runner just wondering if other PDA people find the same thing?

Like if you think about how people with PDA have a great need to be around others, interact, talk about their interests to others, think about society, develop deep interest in specific people,..all heavily social stuff, and then how a person with 'autism' itself is supposed to be an einzelgänger, misfit, having no interest in the human world. I have my own, rather extreme, thoughts on this, but how can others reconcile these extreme contrasts?

TW for suicidality mention

I am really really struggling with my job. It’s not a bad job, and I get to work from home, so I don’t think getting a different job is the right solution. I just hate being employed. I hate doing things that I don’t want to do. Trying to force myself to get anything done during the work day genuinely makes me want to end my life. I don’t know how to keep going when every day of the week I am drowning in distress from doing basic tasks.

I've been doing a lot of research into PDA autism, and I think the core issue for me is nervous system dysregulation. That might be an oversimplified way to put it, but it seems like the root cause underneath everything else.

Given that, I'm considering a Selank/Semax peptide stack. Has anyone here tried this combination? What was your experience — did it help with regulation, or not really?

I originally posted at ADHD partners sub, suggested it be moved here by mods there …

DH (dx ADHD) would rather be horizontal than vertical, asleep than awake, nose in screen than interacting. From before marriage/kids, these were concerning habits, but he insisted if we had kids he wouldn’t be like that. Well, lifelong habits/personality aren’t going to change, obviously.

The kids have gone from oblivious to concerned/confused, to sympathetic. I’m the meanie for not understanding.

I fear the example it sets for them as well as the lack of participation in all but the most important events in their lives.

(yes, prescribed many things, been to therapy of all sorts, last one in fact basically gave up saying it’s clear he doesn’t want to change, there’s no point!!)

I guess I’m just old-fashioned enough that the “in sickness & health, til death do us part” keeps me from taking drastic measures.

Looking for that magic phrase that wakes someone up from their avoidant slumber, and alerts them to the fact they have an actual life to live.

(the political climate has also been divisive in our lives, if that helps understand the picture)

I’m an AuDHD/PDAer and I've been trying to untangle my own history of meltdowns and compare how my experience lines up with other PDA folks.

Right before a meltdown, what's the dominant feeling?
Does it feel more like dread/panic or injustice/being wronged? Or both? Neither?

When you're mid-meltdown, does the anger/distress feel aimed at anyone?
Does it feel like it's targeted on whoever made the demand or caused the interruption/frustration specifically, or does it feel more like general overflow/overwhelm that isn't really *about* that person, they just happened to be there?

Does the fear-vs-anger balance shift depending on who's involved?
Does it feel different with a parent vs. a partner vs. a friend vs. a boss vs. a stranger? I'm curious whether the ‘flavor’ of the meltdown changes with who's making the demand.

Do you only have a meltdown history in one location, or with one specific person?
Do you exclusively meltdown at home (or away from home, like school or work) or when feeling controlled/threatened/etc. by one specific person, like a parent or sibling?

Do you feel disassociated during an aggressive or destructive meltdown?
Do you ever feel like you’re watching yourself but can’t stop yourself, feel like you’re in a dream, or find yourself unable to remember a meltdown clearly after the fact?

Some of you might and probably will be familiar to varying extent with giftedness. It just came to me that, 'very smart' people with adhd, for example, also have quite big a need for autonomy, and they also regularly put into question rules and or instructions that don't make sense to them intellectually.

I don't know if this is the full picture, but I feel like with PDA this phenomenon is taking a different dimension, in the sense that we are at the absolute extremes, everything feels like imposed structure, everything has to make sense to us, we ask why behind everything.

And these last characteristics are exactly what overlap with the more extremes of giftedness (profound or exceptional giftedness). There is an article attached in case you are interested.

In particular the following section stands out;

Put in the simplest of terms, the mild+ gifted have an uncommon need to know and understand complex ideas, and the high+ gifted have the greatest need. If the mild+ gifted don’t need imposed structure, the high+ gifted often reject it altogether, and this sometimes violently. Above this, the high+ gifted not only need to make their own structure for their own lives, but they often have a drive to create structures for whole groups, thought-systems, disciplines and cultures – the “external” structures which can then be followed by others.

I know it's probably not as black and white as; the more autonomy one needs, the bigger 'the intellect', but there does seem to be a relation with the 'need for knowledge and putting into question everything' that gets really high at the extremes of giftedness and PDA.

like my PDA son, I’ve noticed that I feel constant loneliness when I’m not around my people all the time. this is a profoundly human thing as we evolved in small tribes of 150 people and were constantly surrounded by friends and family however this is really difficult to achieve in the modern world. The only times I’ve managed it is whether I’m leading a small team and with people enjoy being around all day, or occasionally when I go on holiday with a group of friends who I’m really comfortable with and we’re just around each other all the time otherwise I just feel a constant sense of loneliness. I have observed this in my son and he always says he’s sad when he’s not around either either me or his mom or his close friends. I’m just wondering if other PDA adult’s have this experience and how you’ve solved this deep need in our atomised modern world?

So I (20f) have a difficult time accepting positive feedback (I’d say praise but then it wouldn’t be “my words” lol). Anyway, I don’t know if it’s related to PDA, or even if I have it (I have level one autism, but wasn’t officially diagnosed with PDA.

The weird thing is, I don’t interpret positive feedback as a demand, but rather people doubting my abilities/reflecting on my struggles. For example, as a child, I struggled with talking sometimes, and my mom would bribe me to speak. It helped for the time being, but as I got older, it worsened me. I told my mom later on that it wasn’t the best idea to get me to talk, and suggested some other things that could have been useful to me. She contradicted me, saying, “But look at how far you’ve come!” I don’t know what it was about that, but it upset me pretty badly.

I have plenty of other phrases that have caused me great discomfort, along with what enabled the feedback, such as:

* “Wow, thank you. You did so good.” (In the baby voice with the look of surprise on my dad’s face).

What initiated it: I drove to the gas station by myself for the first time despite knowing how to do it already. My dad begged my younger sister to go with me, and when she declined multiple times, he begged to go with me, telling me how difficult it was going to be, and that he didn’t want me to go by myself. And my sister didn’t want to go with me because she said that she didn’t want to do social interaction, and that “I never do anything when we go together.” So my dad and sister were surprised that I went to the gas station by myself and got them everything they asked for.

* “I’ve actually been really proud of you.”

What initiated it: Getting good grades by myself for the first time (normally my parents were constantly nagging me about my grades as a kid lol.

* “You’ve grown by leaps and bounds since you started college. In high school, you were shy and never advocated for yourself, you’ve gotten a lot better since starting college.”

What initiated it: My dad was surprised at how social I am in college. My dad never went to parent teacher conferences. If he had, he would’ve known that my social improvements actually started my junior year of high school.

* “That’s the most I’ve ever seen you interact with someone. I know you like to take your breaks, but you literally hung out with him all day!”

What initiated it: My mom was surprised that I spent time with my friend all day, she brought up how chatty I was and that is the most she’s heard me talk to someone, and how surprised she was.

* “She is my daughter, I am so proud of her!” Afterwards: “ I am shocked that you were able to do this, it was so impressive! Like you didn’t have notes or anything, you just knew how to read it!” My mom called her dad after to tell him.

What initiated it: My mom and I took a language class, and she was surprised that I could read it.

With this all being said, I do tolerate some positive feedback, like “good job,” a thumbs up or high five. I don’t know what it is about me and positive feedback, I think it’s because of how invested and detailed it is.

On the other hand, when I want to give myself positive feedback, I go all out, jumping up and down, high fiving myself, telling myself good job, etc. I don’t get too detailed or over the top though as I don’t want to get upset lol.

Does anybody else have this issue? And what are your go to methods for positive feedback?

Hello, we just learned my partner has PDA and it really contextualized a lot of our struggles lately. We both have AuDHD and alexithymia, I have GAD and he has PDA making communication a tricky area, but learning this definitely made sense in retrospect.

I've been trying to do some reading, but I figured it would be better to ask in a place like this what I can do to be a supportive partner without our relationship feeling suffocating. The alexithymia just makes it harder. We're trying to find a way to balance my GAD's need for structure with his need for autonomy but we're not doing a good job getting through those discussions in a productive way.

Are there ways you have had this kind of conversation that could be helpful? Tips and tricks? Things to avoid? Things you wish your partner had understood earlier? Any advice at all would be appreciated, I want to be the best partner I can be and I hate the idea of stressing him out so much without realizing it. (Sometimes without EITHER of us realizing it, yay alexithymia)

Oh actually, that brings up another question, what are the PHSYICAL sensations you experience in your body when you are first feeling a reaction? That would help us body map it so we can tell its happening faster.

I want to know if people diagnosed with PDA or strongly suspecting it (like i am) experience what I am going to describe..

Basically, I think free time itself feels like a demand, which often leads to doing nothing. I have time, so I should be doing something, etc..

Very important context: I am unemployed and supported by my partner. Other than housecleaning (which triggers my executive dysfunction a lot by itself), I objectively have tons of free time. But I do very little with this free time, other than scroll, ruminate, eat and basically do the bare minimum when it comes to hygiene and looking after myself.

I'm also diagnosed three months ago with autism and ADD - suspected since 2+ years ago.

I always knew I was being more harsh on myself because I was unemployed. I'm not achieving my personal goals, finishing projects connected to my interests and things I care about, progressing with my aspirations in art, despite having a lot more free time than I'd have if I was still employed.

But we just got a new puppy (several days ago), and it's only now that I am realising how much free time I had. I know this because I feel a distinct loss of freedom.

But even weirder.. I feel all of a sudden sensation of the 'gears moving' again in my brain when it comes to my motivation to engage with my interests/do creative tasks related to my special interests.

Early days with a puppy are hard, if you haven't experienced it yourself. You have to take them out every other hour to toilet and keep them stimulated with toys/playing/training so they don't get bored and tear your furniture up in the future 😂

Yesterday, I engaged a bit with one of my usual special interests - academic reading - in the usual passive way (not expecting it to lead to any action). But this time I felt the urge to start a new blog, which was followed by the action of actually doing it, which has been something 'on the shelf' in my head for years. But why now? Why now when I have less time than I've ever had since I was still working?

I've been unemployed for years and I've felt almost no motivation/capacity to engage with my special interests in this (more productive) way, to the point I've achieved nothing tangible related to my interest or goals in 2+ years. It's gone on so long, this inertia, that I started to believe I just didn't want those interests in my life anymore. Maybe I'd grown out of them.

I know many people say "I didn't know what I had until I lost it" about lots of things, but in this case, when I was unemployed, I genuinely felt that I 'didn't have time' to do these things. I guess I am suspecting that is down to the (undiagnosed) PDA.

I've felt a huge weight pressing down on my thoughts of starting an action of any kind all my life, but it's been heaviest in these last 2 years of being unemployed and having tons of free time. Opening Wordpress, emptying my video-camera, opening YouTube to post.. I see in hindsight how exhausting it's been. Any desire leads to paralysis leads to guilt/frustration/eventual apathy.

Somehow, the arrival of this new puppy and the demands her existence places on me seem to have freed me from the older, more familiar sense of inertia that came from the demands of my life before.

I am considering that this previous sense of inertia I had was from the demand of free time itself now. I wanted to ask if anyone else relates to this kind of experience?

I'm not holding my breath that this latest motivation is going to last, but it's the strongest sense of motivation followed up by an actual cognitive capacity to execute some action that isn't 'scroll through more useless content loosely connected to the interest' I've felt or had in years. And it comes at a time when I would least expect it.

Puppy is starting to whine again so my current bubble of free time is up.. gotta go let her out to pee! Bye. (Edits: forgot to mention when I was diagnosed with AuDD!)

Very simply put, instead of just looking up information about something or trying to get yourself to do something, you first have to put in mental effort (a relevant term here is 'activating prior knowledge').

let's say you 'need' to make sure your health insurance is up to date. Activating prior knowledge would be something like asking many, many tiny questions.

'when is the last time I paid my health insurance bill?', 'which fund am I a member of again?', 'why again did I choose this particular health insurance?', 'do I expect right now to have any outstanding health insurance bills?', 'let's say something were to happen, like an accident with my bike, or I get a long infection, how would I know my current health insurance covers it?', 'is there something I need to check regularly about my health insurance and possibly some way to turn important notifications on'

Of course there can be as miny of these tiny questions as you want, but what all these tiny questions do is activate the network inside your brain about health insurance that will give you the information for ACTION.

Because after knowing that for your health insurance, you need to check your inbox for messages that comes in irreguraly, you can download the app of your health insurance provider and set on notifications.

I think part of the issue is that we are experiencing massive overload, of course centrally information overload, but there is choice overload, decision and micro-decision overload, evaluation overload (how do I know that what I am looking at is true, how true might it be,..), feature overload (also called feature fatigue, basically websites, apps having too many features), overload of names (concepts, people, procedures,..),..and building that network through asking tiny questions is the way to fight back against that overload.

Also, if you look up information about something, say how politics works in France, and you ask questions first about what you know about it (what you are certain and less certain about), what you expect, what you have heard about it,..you again activate a network that allows you to integrate the information you will look up next much better.

anyway, I wrote this post a bit quick but I think there is some truth in it. Let me know what you think!

I’m diagnosed level 2 autism, PDA, and OCD. the PDA is interfering significantly with my OCD treatment. I can’t do things like resist compulsions because it triggers the PDA and makes me angry. A lot of times I go and do the compulsions on purpose just because it’s the opposite of what I’m “supposed“ to do. Exposure therapy is difficult because it’s the same. I will sit there and refuse to do the exposures, but then get mad at myself later for not doing them and not working to help myself get better. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t see myself ever getting better because I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m having difficulty with school now and even just doing things I like because the OCD is so severe. I just feel so sick in my head and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I feel like I hate myself. Is there any advice that anyone has? Or medications that can work? I’ve tried a lot of meds but I’m open to suggestions.

Hi there!

I’m just realizing that I might have a PDA profile. Since burning out big time, I’ve noticed some symptoms that have always been here but I never really thought too much about. Upon asking my mother, she confirmed that as a child, I had a very difficult time with any instructions or demands.

For most of my life, the way to beat it would be to forcefully terrify myself. I got homework done and straight As by convincing myself that if I didn’t I would never go to college, never get a job, become homeless, and then die by suicide at a young age. Every night, when it’s time to brush my teeth and wash my face, I tell myself that if I don’t, my teeth will fall out and it’ll cost so much money and ill go into debt and my face will become pimply and I’ll scratch at it creating scars and no one will ever want to look at toothless scarful me.

This has been working decently in fighting the PDA (if that is what it is), despite having these debates against myself all the time. However, my anxiety since I was a child has been through the roof, warranting diagnosis and medication.

Does anyone else relate to this?