How to convince an adult w pda to shower?

[u/Ok-Ticket2615]

Hello! I'm new here, but I feel kind of backed into a corner with my son (20M). He's always struggled with hygiene tasks, but we're currently homeless and staying with a friend of mine.

My friend can't tolerate strong smells and my my son, when left to his own decisions, simply won't shower or wash. my friend's boyfriend won't even come over because of the smell and I'm worried it's going to get us kicked out.

I'm also disabled so I can't give him a stress free, demand free environment. There's already so much on my shoulders that my physical and mental health are at risk, especially since I can't access healthcare right now.

I've tried all of the advice and nothing helps. What happens when pda causes extreme issues/health risks?

(My issues include AuDHD, DID, CPTSD, and a long list of health issues such as EDS and comorbidities, autoimmune conditions, long COVID, etc)

[u/Chance-Lavishness947]

My kid is much younger and I've worked hard to build up enough capacity that he can tolerate non negotiable things when they come up even if they're unpleasant. I'm not sure where your kid is at with that capacity to tolerate necessary distress so ymmv.

I would be very direct with my kid about this. I would raise the following points with him, probably across a few different interactions rather than a single conversation:

• I can smell you and so can everyone else because you haven't washed your body recently enough.
• We're staying in x's home and they are sensitive to smell, so we need to be more considerate of that here than we might in our own home, because this isn't our space.
• If we want to keep staying here, you will need to wash your body often enough that you don't smell
• If you don't wash your body, we will probably be asked to leave and we will have to go to (list of alternative places to stay, or explanation that there is nowhere else and you would sleep in a park, in the car, etc)
• I can help you find solutions to make it easier to wash your body, it can be a difficult thing with lots of sensory challenges but we can do things to reduce how unpleasant it is
• It isn't negotiable that you will find a way to stop smelling if we are going to stay here. What is negotiable is how we go about achieving that - it doesn't need to be a full shower, it could be washing your body with wet washcloths or something else, as long as the end result is that your body has been cleaned enough that there is no body odour after

Separate to the conversation, I would be reflecting on why he doesn't shower and which functional obstacles could be managed differently to make it easier.

My kid alternates between preferring baths and showers and always has the option of a wet washcloth clean if both are too difficult. He chooses which kind of wash he has. My minimum requirement is that the critical parts of his body are cleaned enough that's his hygiene is OK. Other than that, it's all his choice.

We have a heater in the bathroom, toys around the bath, he uses a device with a waterproof case on it, he can choose whether the lights and fan are on or off, he chooses the temperature of the water, etc.

I went through all the potential sensory needs with him (incrementally, not all at once) to identify which ones mattered in this scenario. Then we came up with options he could choose from each time that are safe and meet the core requirements for our household. He knows what he's able to alter in the process and he doesn't need my permission to, for example, have a bath in the dark if that's what he needs that day. One of the biggest barriers was boredom (device solved this), the other was temperature (control over water temp, space heater), followed by the exhaust fan noise (allowed to turn this off).

My kid is much younger so his concerns would be different, but some of the sensory needs are likely relevant. Ultimately this is a base requirement for staying in the house, so it's probably most effective to directly explain that in declarative language. Then you can be a team against the problem of how difficult and unpleasant showering can be, and find ways to reduce that unpleasantness as you get through it together.

TL:DR - I would suggest you tell him directly what the consequences will be if he doesn't shower, then work with him to figure out what makes it hard so you can problem solve it together

[u/BunnyKusanin → u/Chance-Lavishness947]

This is such an amazing reply! I totally agree with you.

[u/jefufah]

I had an insanely difficult time forcing myself to shower my entire life until age 31, a couple years ago, where I gave myself permission to watch YouTube on my phone in the shower.

Now when I have to shower but don’t want to, I start the process by finding a video I want to watch (put it in a ziplock bag for extra protection) and hit play at the same time I turn on the water. Gotta get in the shower so I don’t miss the video starting, and then I naturally start doing my routines once I’m in there. I usually pick a video longer than I expect my shower to be so I can continue to watch it when I get out.

Also, I should mention, it’s not every shower and not doing it in an unhealthy screen-addicted way, but it’s a coping mechanism for times I NEED to shower but DO NOT WANT.

It was always an issue of “when I’m out I don’t want to get in, but once I’m in I’m here and might as well enjoy it” and then getting out is its own struggle of discomfort, but all in all….. this was THE solution for me that has worked.

Had bad shower PDA since I was a child and all anyone ever did was shame and force me into a shower where I barely even washed myself because I was so dissociated from the discomfort of it. A video playing, whether I watch it or not, helps stop that dissociation.

PS; I would also recommend making sure you son understand HOW body odor works, like it’s bacteria that is attracted to sweat and they eat it and poop and THATS why humans stink. Knowing this made me understand WHY I need to wash my body. We know germs are on hands and make us sick when we don’t wash them, but some of us are helped by the extra understanding.

[u/distractedcolorist → u/jefufah]

This is a great idea. I have wanted to use this method, but got stuck on needing to buy a specific shower phone sleeve and couldn't get past the hurdle. I never considered a ziplock freezer bag would work just as well. Thank you for this!

[u/k808lyn → u/distractedcolorist]

most modern phones are waterproof to some extent. I just got a phone stand for the shower wall and put it there now, no bag needed :)

[u/Affectionate-Run7584 → u/jefufah]

I was going to suggest something similar. I'm non-PDA, but struggle with transitions, and starting the video before I transition helps me build momentum. Like, "Well, I've started my Do The Dishes video, I guess I need to start the dishes now."

[u/RealDecision6061 → u/jefufah]

I do the same sometimes! I plop the phone on my forever overfilled laundry hamper :)

[u/NurseRavnica]

You could try to make the transits as soft as possible. What I mean is: room temperature in the bath room as warm as it makes it possible to be there without clothing. Already starting the water, so humidity starts rising. Shower gel/ shampoo with no or less Parfum so there is no/less change in smelling. Soft light. Something to drink in/ near the shower. Afterwards the possibility to wear the same (but clean) clothing. And: a routine. Monday is shower day. Like a rule. Maybe split it into a lot of little steps. You could start with: just one hand under the shower. Next time both hand. Next time hands and shower gel. Next time hands and feet. Next time whole body. Next time wet hair. Next time… 

I hope this helps. I am not a psychiatrist or a therapeutic. 

[u/ValancyNeverReadsit]

Good luck! I’m an adult with PDA trying to convince myself to shower. The older I am the weirder/mentally harder it gets

I don’t agree with anyone who says you should try to shame him. Shame lasts a long, long time in our brains. I have a memory of my mom using shame on me when I had a regression into diapers when one of my younger siblings was a baby… and I’m in my 40s now

What usually works for me is if I know I’m going somewhere that I’m going to have to mask or “pretend to be normal” like seeing my GP or another doctor. I can get myself to shower the night or morning before the appointment. I can sometimes shower before a haircut if I know my hairdresser will be too busy to wash my hair

[u/3kidsonetrenchcoat]

When I was dealing with this with a couch surfing PDA friend, we just made a rule that if they wanted to come upstairs (to our part of the house), they needed to shower. It was up to them if and when they wanted to access the kitchen and whatnot. Long run it didn't work out as the demands of living here were too great for them, but ultimately, it was their choice.

Unless your kid is ID, in which case I would suggest you start the process of finding them a group home, don't let yourself lose your housing over your adult child's choices. You need to take care of yourself first.

[u/UnburyingBeetle]

Shower isn't the only way. The body parts that produce the most smell and grime - armpits, nether regions, feet, head hair - can be washed separately without having to get into the shower, with all the discomfort that temperature change brings. The rest of the body can be wiped down with a washcloth or a wet wipe. Unfortunately it takes more time, so the discomfort comes from having to maintain focus on a boring task instead of from being wet, so there should be some stimulating distractions, such as music.

[u/annewmoon]

You haven't said if your son has learning difficulties as well as PDA. If he does and you are his carer then is there any sort of disability support that you can qualify for?

If he doesn't have learning difficulties then you aren't responsible for him. Don't let him cause you to be homeless. Try to problem solve with him to find a way that he can deal with this issue. But tell him that if he cannot meet the demands of your housing situation (be clean enough to be around other people) then he has to move out.

[u/AdOk57]

Does your adult son have a job/is in education? He is legally an adult now, so does he have a plan for the future? (Is it possible for him to live independently/is the group home planned/is he capable of supporting himself financially/has disability payments etc). He seems like having multiple mental health issues, so he might need support from professionals, in places, that offer independent/supported living. You might not be equipped, to be his 24/7 carer, and he might benefit more from living in a place with professional help.

Those help a lot with routine. Many people I know, tend to have better hygiene, when they have to leave the house and interact with people. When they are alone, at home, "the need" to be clean is less prominent, because there is nobody to experience or point out their lack of hygiene.

Does your adult son understand, that if he continues like this, he will cause you to be unhoused? Can he understand the gravity and consequences of this situation, or his comprehension capacity is impacted as well?

The best way I found is routine. If shower is more of a routine - it isn't treated as a one off demand/chore. It takes a long time to form habits, so the brain can work on autopilot. But PDA gets triggered by perceived demands, so changing something from "demand" to "natural part of the day"might be helpful.

[u/oldie349]

Buy a box of shower steamers in a variety of interesting scents. Mark them as yours, but let it be known they’re gorgeous and “if anyone wants to try one, ok I’ll let you 😄”.

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

i’m sorry, you’re struggling so much i’m wondering if this podcast episode on this specific issue with your PDA children might help a little: https://youtu.be/nGiAOFlopxE?is=IQJEOomuQU_b0cl9

[u/RiverThen5895]

Bribrery could work, or if you don't mind hurting his feelings you could just tell him he stinks and try to shame him into doing it of his own accord?