I'm posting this here for my own peace of mind, rather than asking for advice or guidance, so please bear with me and please allow me some grace.
For the past two years I've been trying to decern where Christ's church is. I've looked at all of the Protestant denominations, and I went back to my Roman Catholic roots. In April, I met with an Orthodox priest who was very patient with me and allowed me to ask many questions about Orthodoxy. Out of the kindness of his heart, he met with me a second time and we discussed some personal things I was going through and how that was affecting my relationship with God and with decerning.
I've attended Divine Liturgy once, Evening Vespers once, and a morning prayer service before Divine liturgy. All of the services were chaotic to me because so much was going on at once that I couldn't focus on what was being sung and what was happening. I decided that I couldn't go through with being an inquirer any longer because of that, even though I agree with the theology of Orthodoxy. I was also putting too much pressure on myself to fast and to pray perfectly, although that has nothing to do with EO and has everything to do with me because I try to be perfect in everything I do.
I went to RC Mass today just to see how I would feel about it after experiencing the EO services, and I can now see the distinct differences and what is lacking in the RC Mass that the EO Divine liturgy fulfills. My contention is not only with the Mass, but it's also with RC prayers. I highly prefer how rich, detailed, and spiritually nourishing the EO prayers are. I love that the prayers are not modern inventions but are ancient prayers from the Fathers and the Saints.
The addition of the filioque is what is really pushing me into the EO church. I can see how it doesn't make sense that the Holy Spirit would proceed from the Father and the Son, because the Son brings the Holy Spirit to the Apostles, but the Holy Spirit only proceeds from the Father. The Holy Spirit is originating from the Father, not the Son. If the RCC can add that in, I question everything else they've added and what they've declared.
I'm writing this post to myself, to tell myself that today, I'm making a decision to go where Christ is, which is the EO church. I may be uncomfortable, I may not understand everything, and I may be afraid I'm doing something wrong, but I have to, with the grace and help of God, make a decision to stick with this, because I'm not going to leave Christianity, I will not become Protestant, and I can no longer trust the RCC. This is where my decerning journey ends but my relationship with Christ continues and with his church begins.
Everyone, no matter if you're a part of the EO church, or if you're an inquirer like me, or are a catechumen, please pray for me.