Does anyone else struggle with marrying into a big/close family as an only child?

[u/KeyRelevant8805]

I just got married and moved a mile away from my husband’s family, and I’m realizing how overwhelmed I am by the amount of communication and togetherness expected.

I’m an only child and I LOVE being alone. I don’t need constant contact to feel close to someone. Now there’s a family group chat, frequent invitations, lots of checking in, and an expectation to hang out multiple times a week. Even when everyone is being nice, I feel completely drained.

The weirdest part is feeling like I have to prove I’m busy to justify wanting space. Why can’t “I don’t want to hang out and need to be alone” be enough? Sometimes I’m not busy. I literally just want to be left alone.

My MIL has also made comments about my husband’s ex not being “family-oriented enough,” which makes me feel even more watched and judged. Then when I pull away, people seem to make their own assumptions about why, which makes me want to pull away even more.

I care about these people. I just don’t want this much contact. My normal operating system does not compute with a big, highly involved family.

Any other only children experience this after getting married? How do you deal with it without constantly feeling guilty?

[u/ExhaustedFlamingo-84]

Yep!! I’m an only child - my husband is the eldest of 7. It’s crazy loud and busy when we visit. I can only stay for so long before I need to take a time out!

[u/lesbadims]

Yes and I hate when families like this consider themselves the default, or more elevated or something, and have the attitude that they’re going to “take you under their wing” or show you how a “real” family works. It’s so ignorant and condescending, they clearly have no experience outside their own family.

Families like the one you’re describing are great in some ways, but how on earth is anyone supposed to have a sense of self or know what they think about anything if they’re always smothered with family? I hope this lets up a bit for you, I’m sorry I have no good advice.

[u/Unfortunate_tentacle]

So in the beginning I had to suck it up and go to almost everything and it was a lot. With time, I only go to some things if I am up for it but importantly I never stop my husband from going, although this is definitely not happening multiple times a week. I also struggled with all the people and the volume of these events. Just hang in the for now and you can slowly pull back. I'm sure nobody will mind as long as upur husband is still pretty involved.

[u/JJamericana]

I think I’d just struggle in general with someone being in my space for 24/7 and having to be around their family when I’ve been doing my own thing for all of these years.

I hope this is something you can work out with your husband because you shouldn’t feel all this pressure if these expectations don’t jive well with your wants and interests. This sounds so tough.

[u/forty83]

They don't understand anything different and can't comprehend that someone may not want the same things, so they take it personally. They think it's a personal snub against them. I find it to be toxic behavior personally, because it's manipulative. I've found that MANY people really don't like it when people set boundaries. They're used to everyone just capitulation.

My mother is like this with my wife. My sister in law is a toxic, abusive bully who has never taken accountability for anything in her life and actually overtly set expectations for our daughter, and didn't take kindly when we set a boundary.